1Remember, at one time the city was plastered with posters social advertising, “Call your parents?” At first glance, a very simple, humane and intuitive appeal. In the second – is not the most unique story. It has adult children, obviously living alone, eat them, perhaps quite elderly parents and some difficulties between the first and second, do not allow to make a call without such reminders …

Quite a lot, and often writes about separation from parents, but would be nice to see what happens “on the other end.” The process of something, anyway, mutual. Difficulties of separation, and sometimes impossible to complete it, and lie in wait for their parents. In this article I will not discuss the difficulties encountered by parents whose children are in their teens. Here, the separation from the family in the phase of active hostilities. I want to talk about the parents have adult children. This will make the assumption that a significant part of his race children still held. On the psychological level, they are more or less mature person with prostroennymi, but sufficiently flexible boundaries. In social terms – an independent life, ie home, work, and may already own family. Various options are disadvantaged with addictions, antisocial behavior, and in this there will not be taken into account.

Life Sketches

Let us first see what it looks like not having undergone separation of a parent in everyday life.

Picture 1. Mom visiting an adult son / daughter. Come for a visit with a shopping bag full of different products. And it’s not “something for tea” as a tribute to tradition. Sweet in the product set can not be, if the mother believes that her sweet “baby” is harmful. No, it is all in the bag for cooking borsch, supply of cereals for a couple of years and is still something useful. To start cooking immediately, bypassing the stage of tea. In some cases, it may come with a ready sudochki borscht. Then just go to the next step to restore order in the apartment, and in the offspring of the head. Attempts to stop the highly offended and often sadly repeats: “I try for you.”

Picture 2. Mom calls many times a day, interested in well-being, the dinner menu, grandchildren, if any, and other people in the household. Immediately gives valuable advice on all voiced items along the way finding out a other details of life. If the child tries to reduce the frequency and duration of interrogation, immediately retorted: “I’m worried about you.”

Picture 3. With Mom always something happening, and it requires immediate intervention of her adult children. Among the incidents that anything from the tap leaked or need to dig potatoes to a heart attack. If the request is not met immediately, should any threatening, “You do not feel sorry for his mother?” Or compassionate: “Who will help me except you?”.

Picture 4. The object of close attention and control mother becomes the spouse (a) of her favorite child. Describe the relationship in this triangle does not make sense – for me it did folklore. I note only that the number of jokes and anecdotes about the wife’s mother is many times the number of stories about her mother in law. And there is good reason: the first to joke about when something is definitely loved a woman in a man’s life – our own peril.

Picture 5. Let alone the popes. If you omit the ideological differences over football teams and political parties, the Pope often handed out advice on how to work. Compare successes offspring with their career, and other life events during the same period. Displays detailed plans and instructions on how to achieve regular Olympus, under the motto: “I know better.”

Parents usually have in the arsenal of a few favorite strategies that combine something of the above, and many other methods of influence. The apotheosis is often the phrase: “I’m a mother / father!”, Which should put an end to any debate.

Oh, and attempts to reason with parents using the memo about how many years, “my child”, how long it lives alone and his mind, often cut short phrases such as: “But for me you will always be my little baby.”

What really lies behind such pictures?

Manipulation. All of the above expressions are established. (Briefly remind you that manipulation – this is a specific way to make the subject of the desired feature that manipulative message contains some truthful part, due to which it penetrates the consciousness and the false part, which in combination with the truth enters the brain. in a stupor).

So, the truth is that the parties are closely related, can take care, worry, help each other. A lie in the fact that:

– A parent-child relationship, which is characterized by including a vertical organization and method of communication. Child-parent relationship ended at the moment when the child became an adult at least formally. Further co-operation should be built in the plane “adult-adult”, that is, on an equal footing, that does not exclude the reverence for elders;

– Mother / father only on the basis of what they are they can break the boundaries of their adult children. They can not: the boundaries of the individual performing the same function as that of the state. No boundaries – no state, there is no full-fledged mature personality. Crossing the boundaries of others can only be with the permission of the host country and in compliance with rules established by it;

– Parents know best what you need and how, as they age and life experience have more. But nobody has the right to determine what is best, or you need another person, unless it is officially recognized as incapable. Even if an adult child makes a mistake, he is entitled to it – it is his life;

– Grown-up son / daughter must endlessly for what they have given birth, grow and the list goes on. This is perhaps the most difficult point. “Duty” for the gift of life given … life itself. the birth of children, creative activities. The measure of attention, care and support quietly aging parents determine much more difficult. It also depends on the existing relationship, and on many external circumstances and by cultural practices and traditions. One can say that if this “debt”, the separation has not yet taken place.

Helplessness. Let us return to our sketches. It is easy to notice that the third picture describes the situation where a parent takes a child himself a position, meaning that in relation to his other side takes an adult takes care of position. But this helplessness also manipulative.

And there are other helpless parents – to their own lives. This so-called “empty nest syndrome”. The role of the child’s parents has ended, and to the fore once again in a new role as the face of women / men, a spouse, a variety of social realization. Not everyone is psychologically ready to deal with them. So by all means and pulls chicks back to the nest to drown out his own anxiety to the tasks and challenges of the changing realities.

Power and control. This is the flip side of helplessness. His change the life of a parent is difficult to control, and parental control process lined up and perfected over the years. And the fact that he grew up, trying in every way to avoid the supervising eye can even warm up the excitement.

As for the government in a negative sense, when an adult is asserting itself at the expense of the child, it is initially skewed and dysfunction. A look from the top down and the appropriate tone of statements in respect of an adult are direct aggression. Such messages sound like an order serf owner. I believe it is appropriate to this comparison, and nothing to do with “superior-subordinate”. Community adequate to superior and subordinate comes in a slightly different plane. This communication from the top down, regardless of the intention, is a gross violation of personal boundaries and automatically makes you want to protect them – that is, reciprocal aggression. It can be expressed in the passive form: in response to silent or agreed to appear, but in frustration and anger, which then will fonit and to spoil relations.

Mistrust. Here I will refer to the concept of E. Erikson, in which, in particular, is such thing as a “basic trust in the world”, “competence”, “generative”. The latter refers to the age of 25-60 years and means the ability to produce in the broad sense. But this is not enough, you need to create became a contribution to the flow of life. What is the return of “debt” of life as earlier people mostly only takes the resources of the world.

So, these terms are applied to our problem can arise in the following combinations:

parent does not feel very competent, do not trust yourself in the child’s upbringing. As a result, his work is not well, and before you release it to the world, you need something else to finish, dovlozhit, dovospitat;
if the parent challenges with confidence to the world, then there is the world becomes not good enough for his works. And then there will be an unconscious desire not to let the child into adult life terrible;
the combination of the previous two patterns – a dangerous mix. If the child is able to somehow separate from their parents, it is very likely accompanied by a rupture of relations.
Unrealized ambitions. Mention of them in one line – about this issue, it is written, and shot enough. To recall the film “Black Swan.” Child try to oblige to live the life and to realize that it was not possible at the time parents. Good comes out of it a little.

And the more a parent tries to use the strategies mentioned above present in the life of adult son or daughter than actively enforces outdated models of behavior and the role, the more the tension in the interaction and the stronger the desire to distance himself from the children. That is, the effect is the opposite desired. Whereas the communication of adults, built on mutual respect of each of the pictures of the world, careful dealings with other boundaries, only strengthens the kinship relationship.

If your relationship with your parents is present any of the above, do not rush to show them an article. This was most likely lies the desire to “re-educate” them to gain if not ideal, then good enough parents. And that means that your separation is far from complete.

Therefore, train neutrality, explore and learn to defend their borders environmentally non-aggressive ways. We’ll talk in future articles about how this can be done. And then your parents, too, will be able to join the adults on the rules of the game.