The publishing house “Nike” released a new great book by the psychiatrist and psychotherapist Valentina Moskalenko called “When Love” too much. ” How to be happy in love and marriage ” . Matrony.ru publish a chapter of the book.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes, always perseveres. Love never ends.
(1 Cor. 4-8)
“Lyubogolizm” and its scenario
How to distinguish love or healthy, secure attachment of an unhealthy, pathological? In other words, the difference between the love of a happy painful?
Let us listen to Natalia. This is a young, very attractive woman with higher education. Successful in his affairs, secure, economically independent. She is 31. Married never was. She says:
“I am chronically unlucky in love. I do not understand the reason. The character I have flexible, they say, even pleasant. I am sociable, cheerful, I can revitalize any company, good dancing. I am engaged in fitness, watching the figure. Men like me. I also like a man – serious, solid, intelligent and temperamental.
I recently had a love story, as always, a short-lived, it lasted only four months. At first all went well. He showed an interest in me, I liked it too. I did not notice when and how it happened, but he was dearer to me than anything in the world. I’m on it “hung”. Yes, I too often called him. Yes, I made it clear that it is for me – everything! I took on all his affairs, it was full of problems. I suffered when he began to give me less and less attention. In the evening I could hardly stop myself not to call him. I sat and waited for a call. I think he knew what I was able to. And I stopped calling altogether. We broke up”.
Natasha had a couple of stories that took place on a similar scenario. At first, she and her new friend like each other in roughly equal measure. Then inspiration comes: “This – he” Natasha nothing can not help it, it “hangs”. Own interests, his business, and even her friends she throws. And just about anything else, except for his beloved, no longer thinks. Her love resembles an obsession, addiction. It absorbs man his attention. He “can not breathe”, it is not a psychological space for their own lives. Its boundaries are violated, she invades his personal territory, as the occupier is trying to subdue. Its boundaries also ceased to exist. And now – it goes away. It is “strangled” him in his arms.
Woe Natasha limitless. Every time she thinks that life is over. While not break out a new love, looking at her hurt. Eyes go out, she moves as if through force. From afar, it is clear that she has “no one.” Finally, a new meeting … and everything is repeated.
It does not remind you of the state Natalia dependence on alcohol? Euphoria, depression, ups and downs. Insatiable need for love as an unquenchable craving for alcohol – that is, if not fatal dependence?
There is even such a thing – “lyubogolizm”, by analogy with alcoholism. “Lyubogolichkam” always that little heat, which gives partner. They can not accept the fact that in the world live two separate “I”, they want to be a single “we”. And this desire shows an internal lack of freedom, dependency. If a person is dependent, in front of him looming danger of becoming unhappy. When a lover slightly weakens the love begin suffering. And if the changes, leaves – the severity of the woman left the state in this case is reminiscent of the state of the acute shortage of substances to which developed a passion. Hangover. Man needed a new breath of love – in one case, alcohol – in other to become easier.
As alcoholism – relapsing disease that is repeated and “lyubogolizma” scenario occurs again and again. Alcoholic gives vows – that enough is enough, it is necessary to tie. Abandoned woman can also say: “It is decided, I will no longer fall in love. Some people suffering from this love. ” This is an attempt to get rid of the problems on a rational level; it fails because the powerful subconscious mind rebels against the “change of course”. And representations of the person about their dependence, helplessness and worthlessness are amplified.
Girls dobrozhelatelnitsy-whisper: “Look at him. Is he worthy of your tears? “There is anger. As if someone had flicked a switch. It was the love and suddenly – again! – Hatred. It is a great misfortune.
As long as a woman is not able to relate to the former lover who brought her suffering, quietly, recovery will not occur. As in alcoholism. While strong craving for alcohol, no vows, no horror, no encryption will not help. Recovery is possible when a person disappears morbid craving for alcohol (or a partner).
If there is harmony in the soul, the love, no matter how strong it may be, it does not compete with other drives. On the contrary, a healthy love as it multiplies all the inner strength – nourishing creativity, reveals talents, gives a special depth of friendship, care for children, relatives.
When love addiction with men occupy in the lives of women disproportionately large place and displace, devalue everything else. Do not you drink alcoholic rule of life, displacing or absorbing all other interests? Unrequited love are peculiar to the changed shifted experiences. What was Natasha so involved in the problems of the beloved, to leave even their girlfriends? When he called, it cancels any other meeting, any scheduled job.
Stereotyping, repeatability situation resembles the features of alcoholism flow. When not suffering from alcoholism, people going to a party, it is impossible to predict how it will behave there. It is possible that it will happen a lot to drink, but not necessarily. Everything will depend on the mood of the company that will meet, on his own plans. And the behavior of the alcoholic at a party can be calculated in advance by the hour and minutes from the first drink to the point where it becomes unbearable and it will pack off. There are women, the fate of which, unfortunately, is also possible to calculate in advance.
One oak tree does not grow in the shadow of another
Whatever bitter days or had to endure mentally healthy, emotionally mature woman, she always has a future. She tries his plan. The circumstances of her life are changing, and a new meeting can always give a new course of events. The most important indicator of mental health – a wide range of different possibilities, psychological flexibility, the lack of obsession with one thing.
The life of women suffering from love addiction – is a non-stop exhausting search for a man who “give it everything.” It is, according to its expectations, it will change entirely fate even in the case where this is not necessary to overturn.
In any human union and love in particular, each of the participants to pass the half way to meet the other. But “lyubogolichki” irresistible impulse in his hurry to run the whole distance whole – for himself and for the partner. As a rule, they do not understand the essence of the problem. They even perceive benefits in their ability to love, to consider their ability to sign election. This is their natural psychological defense, which helps to live. And it also keeps them sober look at the failures and try to change.
One of the significant differences between women, capable of a healthy love to meet both partners’ relationships and those who are suffering from love addiction, is a self-assessment of those and others. The first value their mind, different qualities of character, his spiritual wealth, his identity. They do not wait for them to appreciate the outside by someone else. These women know what they want from life and what they can do for themselves. In general, they expect their lives. They are able to make active efforts to realize their life plan.
The latter usually crave recognition from the outside. Only the approval of other people a few sates, fueling their fragile self-esteem. “If I will not be his wife, I will feel frustrated man,” – said one quite worthy woman. She considered herself a valuable just next to a man, but he could give her a sense of safety and security, a sense of “I – okay.” She thought that without the support of a man she does not even be able to exist.
Healthy women differ in emotional maturity. They can use all your senses and experience suffering, loneliness, difficulties in overcoming that is forged, tempered character and refined person. They are well alone. They know the answer to the question: “Who am I” They have developed self-discipline – they can postpone the satisfaction of their desires. They do not suffer from mood swings, and the amplitude of the vibrations of life twists and turns they are not so great.
In dependent women, despite the intensity of their suffering, feelings still shallow, immature reaction, like a teenager. No wait or choose a worthy partner, they can not. Feelings change frequently and their shakes “from hell to heaven.” They seemed to matter to depend on anyone, if only there was someone. It is difficult to discipline themselves: they can not postpone the satisfaction of their desires for later, just like children.
Perhaps this is because in their childhood lives feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction craving attention. They seek how to fill their inner emptiness, to satisfy this hunger as soon as possible. A hungry man is bad shopping: he rushes and grabs that comes handy. These women are thrown to the wind its best qualities, even honesty with yourself is not for them a meaningful value. It formed a “hole in the soul.” They lose some part of the personality, lose integrity, lose sense of identity and determine the “Who am I?” Only through a relationship with another person.
If healthy women are actively building their lives, the associates take a passive position. Men and even children are seen as the source of their happiness and fullness of life. If “lyubogolichki” unhappy, they think others are responsible for it: “He is guilty, he ruined my youth!” As a result, they are often spiteful and feel defeated, destroyed and even more devastated. For them, life – continuous frustration.
Perhaps the root of their problems in the absence of self-sufficiency. In fact, no one can make another person happy. For a person with high self-sufficiency is characterized by a feeling of “I can be your favorite (favorite) and so loved (love).” So it will be as long as a woman is true to itself, while it appreciates itself for what it is. In dependent people perverted the logic: “I loved – I mean worthy of love.” The very ability to cause the attachment is made dependent on external circumstances – the ratio of the individual. It is as if the deficit makes up his own “I”.
Mature, self-identity for a long time psychologically separated from their parents and are now able to form a new emotional attachment. When they build a family, the separation of roles is not so tough it like a dependent. Healthy family members may switch roles, which reduces their interdependence. At the same time, this flexibility training session will survive alone in the case of loss of a partner.
Dependent people are very difficult to separate themselves from their parents for a long time to change the boring work or even relax, find their hobbies. The loss of a partner for them so terrible that they can not even make the preparations for this event. They are very hard to part with addiction, to find a foothold in life besides love object. One woman even asked me a question: “What is the meaning of my life? What am I doing here, in the flat of my husband? “And that question arose in her after years of waiting and searching for” his men “and the marriage with him. Now it is time to awareness of its emptiness. These women give more freedom to hurt another person and their own freedom, they do not realize. Therefore, the role of the family in such a solid, ossified, which often becomes a breeding ground for conflicts.
Dependent people tend to increase even infantile interdependence, rather than reduce it. If we are talking about non-free psychologically of two people, they do not welcome the professional growth of each other. They interfere with jealousy: what if he or she will be self-sufficient (self-sufficient) and leave me? Men require women to give up work and insist that good wives stay at home, raise children. If the woman agrees with a man (and actually want something else), it reduces thus its importance, sabotaging their freedom. Freedom partner dependent people are also constantly undermined. Women ostentatiously refuse to learn something new. They hope their helplessness to bind to a partner. Their position – passive expectation, without applying their own efforts. They want only to receive love and care. They “give” and “take” is not balanced, in this scenario prevails or the desire to take, or total sacrifice, forgetting their own needs.
Inability to accept and respect the separateness, uniqueness, “drugizm” lover – is very common among these women. However, they themselves also not perceived as individuals. This feature is a source of many unnecessary suffering. Of course, other people exist for them on an intellectual level, but in fact they are only a reflection of women’s existence. At heart, the whole world – it herself.
Between the banks of souls truly loving people splashing sea. Sometimes it is good to be near, but not too close, otherwise there is a psychological anguish, and there is no space for the development of each of the partners. One oak does not grow in the shadow of another.
When one person says to another: “I can not live without you” – it sounds very romantic, “like in the movies,” but it is not love. This may sound harsh, but I must say that this parasitism one person to another. Love – the free choice of the two people to live together with each of the partners can live alone.
If you get rid of love addiction easily, probably would not have existed in the world a good half of literature, art, songs and romances. Yet each of us chooses for itself – to suffer and suffer with or without cause or be free.
Melody Beattie in his book on codependency leads the following characteristics of love and love addiction (addiction). She believes that there is love in an open relationship system, and passion – in private. Here’s how it proposes to compare the characteristics of love and unhealthy addictions.