One day my old friend bought a pack of large, 5.25 “floppy disks. Well, who remembers – been such a huge floppy disk in the floppy plastic shells. Operation not yet proved to be all – only 8 of 10 pieces. When I asked him what he would do with the rest, which could not be formatted, it is said that they, of course, also can be formatted, but some tricky way. Only and read them, and work with them in the future it will be possible this most artful way … So it is better to leave them alone.
The same thoughts often come to my mind when I somehow confronted with the question of how to encourage, to put it mildly, a man to marry. Especially if up to this point, this is the man in every possible way evaded wedding bells …
The situation is typical – live happily ever after in the city, and perhaps in a big city girl. For his age, it is mainly decided with work problems with the apartment, but – the years go by, and next to it so no one there. If she does not suffer from this, then fine; but not that the case in question.
And there’s someone in mind. The girl has long been a plan for this “someone”; it has long walks on the salon of wedding dresses; She has even written a whole wedding scenario; She knows who will witness – it is all currently nafantazirovala. But he is in no hurry. It is generally not in a hurry. Disappears for weeks, does not ring and winces as soon as it comes to marriage and children.
And when she wants to understand the essence of the problem – the first thing it is necessary to solve the main question: he does not want to marry at all, or specifically on here is this girl?
In that case, if you do not want to marry at all – a kiss on the cheek, patted his shoulder and shut the door behind him. Forever. Hurry to part with your illusions! You posedeesh in methane and doubts, chasing a ghost, miss the person who would be able to create your happiness. After the closed door and psychological, page turn over your life – you can throw in a pair of wall plates, brutally beat a pillow or tear the newspaper on the smallest pieces. Just as in that joke – “She died, so he died.” Not one step back – you will eat! And then start to make a new life.
Immediately, as a psychologist, I can say that most of all, in this case we are talking about trivial infantilism. All that is hidden behind the words “intimofobiya”, “lack of family values” – is nice for us to disguise the root of the problem.
Complex cases where he does not want to marry it to you. In principle, the situation is clear – just do not trust. According to one reason or another. Marriage is not only print in the registry office; Those who say such things do not want to see the essence of it. Marriage – the obligation is not just “pretty pictures” and arranged good life. Why not trust you? Why do not want to let into your life? Replies can be here more.
1. He wants a very different life
For example, to jump to a different social stratum. And for that he needs a wife, is quite different – for example, the daughter of a rich and / or socially meaningful Pope. Therefore, if your father is not rich, you tell him, no matter how hard you try, no matter how environmental concern – not a couple. There is a saying about the type of men: “If you have a poor father, then you are out of luck; if you have not test, you – fool “.
2. He is displeased with you
But feel free to tell, because you will be hurt. Therefore, you “cut the tail piece by piece …”
3. He does not see you in the role of wife
Your habits, lifestyle does not fit into the picture of his future family.
4. He does not relax you
With you beside it feels that it is necessary to constantly monitor themselves. Women are generally prone to petty control. And his men react nervously – either aggression or sabotage.
5. It does not feel support from you as a man
An important point – you are in power you can measure it as a man, and to appreciate the extent of the understanding to say something, but if he does not feel …
6. It saves you from yourself
Perhaps he somehow sick, or afraid that will give your child a hereditary disease; or it – a hidden alcoholic, sadistic … This state of mind can only be fully praise. A person can literally hold themselves “on a string”; and there is no way to imagine himself as a sort of savior, a sorceress, and assure themselves and the fact that the power of your love all prevail against itself and all the save. In the world nothing is impossible, but it is unlikely.
And a tasty. Let us return to our tricky intimofobii. As I wrote above, intimofobiya almost always associated with some personal infantilism. Contrary to the direct understanding intimofoby – not those who are afraid of sex itself. No. Sex, erotic love of the Infanta, they are often there just aces; perfectly understand how to adjust to the desires of the woman, for any “strings” to pull her to use sex and its appeal to different manipulations.
Under intimofobiey commonly understood, first of all, the fear of deep, open and meaningful relationships. Not that intimofob absolutely could not see the woman in the next person. It is incredibly difficult to open up, to show themselves present – and in front of strangers, and in front of a loved one; we met these people – they live in the emotional armor, the armor is often apparent ease – joker, joker, rake, which is closed from the realization that people can be hurt; maloemotsionalny machine confidently to calculate everything and everyone; cruel deceiver, carefully calibrate responses – and their own, and your …
For intimofoba people – is, first of all, media functions with their responsibilities; he knows very well that he who should, but just want to try to get him something for yourself – support, sympathy, help, even approval. He or immediately poured righteous anger – “You are using me!”, May just get lost suddenly … He should be comfortable with the person; interests and needs close intimofob not notice – if the notice is in fact to react somehow necessary, but it is hard and difficult.
Intimofob will do everything to meet a real, true feelings oblige, have in this life is only true that the emotional and moral truth, which is called conscience.
But, ladies! We ought also to see her and falsehood, to distinguish it from the true state of affairs.
If we are deceived people, then we, too, lied – words, deeds, filing false hopes; if we do not trust, look at yourself – perhaps we deserved distrust? What is in us that draws us frivolous and unnecessary? Most often, it is the desire to make yourself happy – at any price. We are ready to stoop to endure worldly dirt, running on tiptoe at the first whistle – for the sake of possessing a man. Even for the sake of the illusion of possession, for the sake of visibility. How much love in ourselves?
To answer the question: “Why did he not marry me,” we should openly and honestly look at yourself. Otherwise, we have a lifetime risk we linger in this “vicious circle” of illusion and error …