In “Nikea” publishing house published a new book entitled ” Man and woman, from I to we. How to build a happy family life. ” This is the second book of a priest Andrei Lorgus and psychologist Olga Krasnikova on family psychology. It is – of those relationships that can grow into a marriage, about preparation for life together and what distorted stereotypes of masculinity and femininity prevent a full-fledged relations of love. “Matrony.ru” website published a chapter from a book on the topic of different motives for marriage – healthy and neurotic.
“I have 20 (25, 30, 35, 40 …), and I do not have a family. What should I do? Want to get married”. This request for psychological counseling in popularity can be compared, perhaps, only with queries “I am very unhappy in marriage” and “Help to go through a divorce.” Men rarely come to a psychologist with the subject of marriage, but it happens. The request is almost always the same: “I want a family, but I did not get anything.” However, the problems lurking behind this wording, can vary greatly. To understand them, you can learn the real motives that drive a person in this endeavor by all means marry.
People are hungry, “have a family” by a lot of different reasons. Study and description of the motives for marriage are devoted to research on this topic defend dissertations, monographs written. In this chapter, we will express their views on the known facts and laws, and show what is the essence of the spiritual-oriented approach to the issue. But first of all we would like to determine what motives of marriage may be risk factors for the development of the marital relationship, and what will be the key to a strong union.
In psychology, there are different criteria for the classification of marriage motives. For example, the reasons may be different degrees of awareness – of thoughtful, informed decision to unconscious motivations. A person can have serious problems with the “bifurcation” of motives, when at a conscious level, he declares one, such as “I love you!”, And he begins to believe it, but the real motive is different ( “I want to have sex with you” “I want to praise you in front of my friends,” “I want you to bore me children,” and so on. d.).
There is motivation to achieve: “I want to be with him, because I was with him well.” This motivation comes from the completeness, usefulness, satisfaction – from good to better. And there is avoidance motivation: “I do not want to be alone, without me ill” – of inferiority and frustration … hope to change for the better. After all, if without bad, it does not mean that it would be okay with it, but it may be “not as bad as the one” – the choice of the lesser of two evils. Motivations differ in purpose, they pursue:
Marry . Here is an important fact of marriage, no matter with whom, and the partner is only a means, without which it is impossible to obtain the desired stamp in the passport. “Help me to get married!” – “Who?” – “No matter!” In this case, put the cart before the horse: first, there is a desire to have a family, and then the person begins to search / selection of potential partner. The main thing – do not meet then (after marriage) true love, or even a stamp will not keep.
Marry a certain type (marry successful and rich, to marry a young and beautiful). In this case, some important characteristics of a partner, and not himself. The main thing – to find and then someone “better” not to have to change a spouse on a better option.
By marriage with a loved one – the choice of a partner as the sole. That is, I meet his love, and it was then think about marriage. In this situation, the desire to get married there after we feel a desire to live with this person to create a family with him, to give birth to children with him. The first point – meeting, the second – the decision to link the fate. The main thing – do not think that love alone is enough for a long happy life, and do not forget about the acceptance of their responsibility for the further development of the marital relationship.
You can try to arrange entry motives in marriage and on other parameters, highlighting the social, situational, economic and psychological. The most common among social motives – stereotypes . They are formed in the bosom of family and tribal or socio-cultural life. For example, when the older son in the family bugged or grandchild: “Well, when did you get married? I was your age already … “Or when friends joke:” You are the one we stayed nezhenatik “and girlfriends speak maliciously:” What is your prynts not yet born? Or not divorced? One girl, too, was waiting-waiting for the prince on a white horse, and the postman came and brought her a pension. ”
There is such a thing as “social clock” – an idea of the specific age of marriage rules. In some traditional cultures after 25 years Man has started to consider a spinster, and its value as a bride sharply decreased. And now sympathetic relatives at the meeting interested in: “Well, no fool you offer is not made?” – Is understandable because that “marriage illiquid”, “stale goods”, which “shelf life” ends soon but the fool no one attention and will not pay. This attitude demeans the dignity of the individual. But at the heart of the wrinkle there – “Love for all ages”, and in order to wait for your love, you can donate by public opinion.
Obviously, the “social clock” is an indicator of concern society primarily about procreation of healthy children, not about personal happiness. “It is time to settle down,” “when the time is running, choose not have to” – similar arguments based on stereotypes, pushing the marriage of men and women who do not like each other and are not going to live with each other. He and she did not choose this path independently and freely – that is a serious problem.
For social reasons may also include a service need . With this encounter, for example, graduates of military schools, which are sent to the place of their service, and they need to get on the status of his wife. A similar option – graduates of theological seminaries. To get the parish to be ordained to the priesthood, and this should already be married, because the priests, deacons, being in the rank in marriage does not come. With such service and the need to face the sailors, and airmen and diplomats who need to go to foreign trips with the family. From the creation of the social family motivation note even the desire to avoid military service or the desire to be married, to be registered, to obtain citizenship.
Situational causes – is, for example, the so-called “marriage after” when before marriage has already occurred sexual life, pregnancy, and to legitimize the birth of a child, people get married, trying to “keep up appearances”. A child who has become the “cause” the wedding can even put in the future, guilt, that “because of his” parents had to sign: “If you were not supposed to be born, I did not have to marry your father, my life would have been in another, and perhaps it would have been happy. ” Of course, the child is objectively in no way to blame, but the subjective feelings of guilt such conversations impose fairly easily.
All of the above cases fit the definition of “forced marriage” , concluded not entirely “voluntary” rather under duress. Once the stressful situation has ended, with the “circumstances” were successful and all breathed a sigh of relief can come unexpected and sobering realization: “We rushed to its decision, succumbed to momentary impulse, in fact we would not be together for life.” Lots of unhappy marriages began with coercion of one or both spouses to the design of the relationship.
A coincidence as a motive for marriage – is even impossible to describe how there are unimaginable situation, far from conscious decisions mature people. Here’s a typical story: a guy from the army came, did not intend to marry, first he wanted to “work up”, but … “The girl on my block lived, we had a couple of times in the nightclub went, and then I was in the stairwell neighbor says:” And what did you not marry her? “Well, here I am married.” There can only dissolve hands, because even difficult to determine, it is – avoidance or achievement.
Mercantile desire by choosing the “right” wife to raise their social status, improve the financial situation, to obtain the necessary facilities, communications, change the place of residence and lifestyle, commonly referred to as “marriage of convenience” , adding “only thing that calculation was correct.” But whatever may have been the best pragmatic calculation, ignoring his own feelings and bodily needs a gift for the person does not pass. The consequences of “emotional anesthesia” can affect both the psychological state and on physical health, which for all the good things of the world can not buy. Stories about girls falling from the “golden cell” in the clinic of neurosis depression or a nervous breakdown, drug treatment in hospital with chemical dependencies or psychiatric hospital to a suicide attempt – is not only the plots of soap operas, but the real tragedy of the living. “What does she just not enough ?! Since fat is mad! “- Talk about their people. Therapists are well aware of how the inner emptiness, a sense of meaninglessness of their existence, the bleak loneliness may be encountered in a luxury mansion for the three-meter fence.
How to treat similar reasons – social, economic or situational? They are not bad or sinful, and we can treat them with understanding. But often such marriages are risky. Social, economic and situational motivation short-lived marriage, that they do not create a fundamental basis for relations between the spouses, which grow long close, trusting relationship. Can there be a relationship of trust with a random marriage? Of course, everything happens in real life, but in this case the probability of “happy ending” low.
Separately say about a group of psychological motives for marriage, which most likely could be risk factors for marriage. This group includes usually called neurotic motifs .
It seems to us important to digress and explain what the concept of “neurotic.” Neurosis – is not a disease, and conflict within the individual between “must” and “can” between “want” and “must”, between expectations and capabilities, requirements and needs, etc. As a result of this conflict, people live in constant tension.. and discomfort, lose touch with their true feelings and desires, his perception of himself, other people, relationships, distorted, and emotional responses are inadequate situation. It affects this state and motivational sphere – for their own purposes and choice of the person ceases to be guided by the inner personal meanings and values, and are increasingly guided by external criteria.
The degree of neuroticism can be different – from subtle to very deep, bordering on a nervous disorder or mental illness. Neurosis is not always accompanied by a pronounced physical symptoms (various tics, nibble nails and so on. N.). It happens that only experts or the closest people can notice any abnormal behavior, perception or emotional manifestations of man. Internally, the “neurotic personality” may suffer from an inferiority complex, worthlessness, feel a false sense of guilt and a sense of helplessness, depend on the opinion of others or try to control everything. “Nobody loves me, I’m no use to anyone” – a very typical experience for neurotic.
From our point of view, the main reason is the loss of a sense of neuroticism unconditional value of his personality and his life, humiliation, self-esteem and self acceptance, which may be deeply rooted in the personal sense of self from childhood. Catholic priest and psychotherapist John Powell writes that “the pain generated by self-loathing generated by a sense of worthlessness, so diffuse that it is almost impossible to understand and how to explain.” People have come up with many ways to cope with the pain and reduce the internal tension -.. Drugs and alcohol, immersion in work or hobbies, care in illness, depressed, extreme sports, etc. One of the strategies to get rid of this suffering may be that to compensate for an inferiority complex due to marriage.
Neurotic motif of marriage – is an attempt to compensate for the expense of the other person’s own experiences. Men and women, burdened with personal problems converge in the hope that a change in their personal lives will make them happy. As a result, they face great disappointment, because their happiness in each family brings with it – as brought, so it will be. But many people think that the family – is a way to solve psychological problems. What are the problems people are trying to cope with the help of marriage?
Separated from the parent family to prove to parents: “I am – an adult, because I can create my family.” This motivation by itself just is an indication of the immaturity of the personality, emotional dependence on parents. Correct, if I may say so, the sequence of events: a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh (Gen. 2:24), and not vice versa. Marriage, of course, change the formal status of “child”, but does not help in the struggle for emotional independence from the “ancestors” and does not save us from the need to build adult relationships with parents. There is another “gotcha” if the couple finally feel that parental authority over them began to diminish, this motive is no longer working, the purpose for which they have entered into a marriage, achieved. What if nothing else, except the desire to get out of the parental nest, did not joined the husband and wife?
Find yourself a “good parent” and fill the deficit of attention, care, protection, warmth or to become for someone a “good magician”, replace “bad” parents and make the other person happy. This is a classic example of where the responsibility for your emotional state is shifted to the partner or, on the contrary, it has taken on the responsibility themselves. And in fact, and in another case, an attempt is doomed to failure.
“Baby, you’re my own mother?” – Asked his friend Karlsson. Adult men and women often ask the same of their partner. “I want to be worn on the hands” – the dream of many girls. “It is important that she anticipate my desires’ – describe boys and experienced men of his ideal wife. Of course, they will find themselves the person who will realize their dreams in life, but after a while, “otogreyutsya” and get stronger, will find that have outgrown child-parent relationship and ready to partner. A spouse is not always ready for such changes. Similarly, those who wanted to bring happiness to the future spouse, taking parental position, can realize that they are tired of “coddling” to save wear on your hands, understood without words, feed with a spoon, and I want to, and care for them, provided they support, understanding.
Matrimonial relations fundamentally, qualitatively different from the parent-child, which parents give and children receive. Marriage – the union of two equivalent of mature individuals, based on love and reciprocity: mutual respect, mutual assistance and mutual understanding. This “two-way street.” At the same time for the satisfaction of basic own psychological and physical needs, for your mood, for happiness and fullness of life everyone is responsible himself. Yes, ever have to admit it.
Overcome personal, professional or spiritual crisis : the death of someone close, the loss of meaning in life, inability to realize themselves at work – in these cases the person is driven by the illusion that marriage will quench the pain, give a new meaning. At some time, perhaps, he would be able to escape, to feel relief and even the influx of new forces – a new life after all. But sooner or later on the way back there will the same unresolved issues that have to deal again, and then it will be difficult to avoid the complaints and hate the partner does not cope with its mission to become the “light at the end of the tunnel.”
Marriage as a way out of the crisis can not justify the expectations imposed on him as marriage – it is also a crisis that requires great emotional and physical costs. In order not to die in the prime of life in the rubble of collapsed expectations, it is necessary to deal with their own lives, without expecting that someone will do it for us.
To assert himself / compensate for feelings of inferiority , to fit into the social standards: to be “like all normal people, who should be the family.” The problem is that by placing a “check box” in front of one item from the list of requirements the society expectations, a person is faced with the following: what a normal family can be without a child (one, two, three …) without large apartment, without a car, without a country home and so on. d.
To satisfy all the requirements will still not work – and not because they are too many. Just among them are mutually exclusive. Many successful and work to make a career, to be perfect hostess, the perfect wife, a wonderful mother and caring daughter – combine all this at the same time can not afford anyone. Fighting his own inferiority complex in this race for the ideal norm or pre-played – a sense of “with me that something is wrong, I’m kind of not so” will only get stronger. Even if at some time be able to create the right “facade” of forces in its creation and maintenance leaves much that sense of satisfaction and joy they are no longer enough. After a few months / years (as far as my health will allow) people find that a lot of things he “has”, but nothing more than fatigue, not feeling, and worst, lost myself.
Revenge . Imagine that a young man with a girl broke up, they are going through hard. Pretty soon every one of them, or some one enters into a new relationship, concludes a marriage, but not for love, but to ease the distress, to overcome the pain of separation or to prove something else, to take revenge, “See, I’m getting married. Then I evaluated, I loved. Now you will know who you’re lost, “an echo of children’s imagination:” Here I die (bury themselves in a marriage without love), and then you will cry, but it will be too late. ” In the case of marriage / marriage such an act often leads to the fact that crying is just “the avenger”. Living in a marriage based on revenge, it is difficult, especially after the recognition of its responsibility to consent to such a marriage.
Wink generosity, gratitude, regret . Good intentions, leading to tragic consequences. So I want to remember ordinary phrase: “We wanted the best, but it turned out as always.” Man thinks that he is driven by the most good intentions, he wants to do is noble: “After a night spent together, I, as an honest man, had to marry her. I loved another, but love had to be sacrificed for the sake of honor. ” There are women who marry out of pity, to help, to save, “He is I do not like, it is not my type, but he was an orphan, alone in a strange city, the institute failed, nowhere to live, no one desired wandered for some -That distant relatives began to get depressed, I felt so sorry for him. ” Here are some of the same series, “I can not leave him, although I do not like. If I throw it, he sopetsya “.
And someone marries out of gratitude to repay “good for good”: “It has helped me so, from this hole I pulled. I could see that she loves me, and could not admit that he himself it is nothing but gratitude, do not feel. ” Why all these noble spiritual impulses can not replace the love? Because the partner realized that it did not live for love, but of some other, even the most noble reasons, feel humiliated and cheated.
All of the above reasons for marriage are obviously neurotic character. But there are other, not so unambiguous. Some motifs, depending on the place allotted to them in the hierarchy of motives can be as quite positive , creating a solid foundation for the complete family, and inadequate neurotic. That is one and the same motif can be called neurotic, if he becomes the master, but if it is not put on the main place, in a number of less significant it can be seen as quite adequate and even necessary. Here are two examples:
Having a stable sexual relationship . Yes, it is a constructive motive, but whether he can be a major? Sexual attraction to a partner – one of the most important but not the only or the main component of a happy married life. This is especially evident when, for one reason or another (pregnancy, business trip) the spouses have to temporarily refrain from intimacy or sexual relationships become impossible due to illness. The amount varies and divorce on the grounds of the problems in the sexual sphere is very large. Does this mean that people, in addition to sex, nothing did not hold together? It is difficult to say definitely, but there is something to ponder.
Realize yourself as a parent , to continue the race. It is a natural desire, and even socially approved. So it is when the children – the fruit of the love of the spouses to each other. But not all so simple. Imagine the situation. At the reception to the psychologist comes a young woman (a little over thirty) and with threshold states: “Help me to get married!” – “Who?” – “All the same! I do not need a husband, I just need to have a child – age, you know? “-” And what will happen when give birth? “-” I divorced three years later, when the decree on the job back. ” This woman knows that it is not ready to live with a man and to build a marital relationship. For her family pattern – grandmother, mother and child, the model, in which she had grown herself. A man once there, it is only necessary for conception. But the woman in the above example at least honest with herself. Much more often people are not even aware of the their true motives.
Motherhood can be felt by a woman as the main meaning of life, as the only authentic realization of the person, and thus to her unconscious motive of a family will be compensation “female” feelings of inferiority due to lack of children. Not only women, but men often say: “Children – it is the meaning of my life.” If the meaning of life is not spiritual development, not the creation of a House of the Holy Spirit, then a void swept the parlor (see .: Matt. 12.44), and the void want to be filled with something. You can fill the job, hobbies, pleasures (including sexual), but you can – children. Often couples who suffer from infertility, turn to the Church to bless or in vitro fertilization to take foster children. On the question of why you are in that no matter what you want to have children, often a woman, but sometimes both say: “We are without children feel inferior.” This is the neurotic need. By the way, the child is necessary not only for self-affirmation, but also as an “alibi” in an unsuccessful career or personal life uncomplicated – “work / husband was not lucky, but I have a child.”
If the birth of a child – it is the main or only motive, the marriage may face many dangers. First of all, children can not be. In this case, marriage loses its meaning, since the purpose of marriage (children) can not be achieved. If a child is born, it may be another danger: the crisis of family life associated with the advent of the baby – a very serious challenge for people who have no links other than a child in common. Many difficulties, new responsibilities, changes in responsibility, physical exhaustion – so need emotional support! Different views on education, in the relationship, parental roles and functions, and to negotiate and compromise, understanding and mutual respect is necessary. But to build a healthy marital relationship needs a foundation – the love, and the desire of both partners to preserve and develop their marriage.
There is another motivation, not included in any textbook psychology. It is the desire to follow a predestined fate . Someone believes in horoscopes and follow the advice of astrologers, someone trying to get a guarantee of family happiness, goes to the fortune-tellers – just would not make an independent choice, someone is trying to calculate a “proper” wife with the help of numerology or following sotsioniki principles. These adult games in the supernatural, the search for specific signs and symptoms often lead to a loss of touch with reality. In some cases, there is a kind of dependence on the predictions and soothsayers, without which a person has to step and step can not.
Unfortunately, the Orthodox people who want to take the vows, sometimes try to guess “will again” and shift the responsibility for its such an important step on the spiritual father or elder. But to receive the blessing of a priest to marry a particular person or by crook to ensure that the father himself of them made the decision – not the same thing. It should be noted that some of the clergy abuse their power and taking advantage of the confidence and dignity of the Church, to impose its decision. Here is what he said about such situations Elder Paisius Holy Mountain: “Good God made man free. God is noble: It honors the freedom of man and leaves everyone free to follow the path that he liked. God builds all in one line under the laws of barrack discipline. Therefore let the young leave themselves free in the spiritual space of the freedom of God … In the choice of way of life a person should not be subject to anybody’s influence. Parents, clergymen, teachers, without exerting pressure on the young man, without stepping on his throat to help him choose the life that his shoulder – and to follow his vocation. The decision to choose life paths to be taken by the young. ”
For the desire to “be obedient” to the spiritual person and marry / marry the blessing is often worth the infantile desire to avoid responsibility for possible errors ( “father knows best with whom I will be happy”), to reduce the risks ( “if the old man is blessed, then we do we will live happily ever after “). And then if something goes wrong, if the marriage breaks up, and the responsibility for this rests with the priest too. Once, during a confession woman loudly at the temple he said to the priest: “You are my marriage with this alcoholic blessed, so do with him and live, but I can not!” To ask the question: “Do you own something which looked? What were you thinking about when to marry “- surprised woman replied,” I come in? The priest must know best, it is God’s will know better. ” What can I say ?! To call in question the authority of the clergy, saying that priests are just people can be wrong? Or recall the personal responsibility? Questions about interference with privacy confessor spiritual children were considered at the meeting of the Holy Synod of the Russian Orthodox Church in 1998, which on this occasion was passed a number of resolutions.
Often women come to us for consultation with complaints of depression, loss of interest in life: “It is strange. I have a wedding soon, and I do not feel any joy. And I do not feel nothing but sadness. ” – “Do you love your fiance?” – “Yes, what’s the difference? I have long wanted to get married. I prayed a lot. That the Lord sent him to me. The bride is good, pious, we in the church waited on at the altar. We met in the temple. This is not just. So there is the fact of God’s will. ” And indeed in such a situation it is difficult not to fall into despair. And the thing that is the motivation for marriage is replaced by painful religious and mystical fortune telling on “what God wants from me.”
Healthy motivation – this is when a woman marries, not because “God wants it” or “it to me, God sent”, but because she loves the elect and sees in it, for example, a responsible and courageous partner. The will of God can be seen as love, desire and joy of her fiancé, and not as a forced marriage. Belief in “God’s blessing” can not cancel the freedom of choice and responsibility, on the contrary, it requires the blessing. If God sent people to mutual love and “tied” to their mutual sympathy, so they have to develop these relations “in God”, ie. E. Be careful and responsible in a relationship because it is special, God sent relations. But we can not shift the responsibility for marriage in God!
They say: “Marriages are made in heaven.” But the trouble is that people do not listen to the heavens, and choose other, “earth” options. How often men and women, refusing to love, choosing a marriage of convenience. Or take the love and passion for love. But the most serious consequences partners have choices dictated by the fear of loneliness or a sense of helplessness, stereotypes or family circumstances. Then the choice becomes a life sentence, which is reflected not only in marriage, but affects the whole family, and is transmitted to children and grandchildren.
The most bitter regret in their choice of spouses catches up with those who “together and it is already impossible, and without each other terribly.” How players say stalemate. Often in such cases, it was the choice of co-dependence, not only creates the illusion of proximity instead of love, but also … the illusion of hatred. Why illusion? Because sometimes the couple just seems that the partner – the main enemy in life and all the problems because of it. In this situation, it begs the question: if you hate it so, why do you continue to live with him? But to leave, to leave the relationship no one is going! In fact, a person is difficult to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions, and honestly look at their contribution to the marital relationship – it is easier to blame the partner of all mortal sins, and to make him a scapegoat. Indeed, recognizing its imperfections, will have to change, and so can be anything with them not to do, and only require a change of the spouse.
In such cases, it is important to remember that “to resolve conflicts from the perspective of” what is happening to me? “Is much more productive than trying to understand the situation, when you’re gripped with anger and I am sure that all the problems are enclosed in a person who is near and, in your opinion , does not suit you. ” The marriage is, as it is sad, and a real hatred. In such cases, as a rule, can not do without assistance. Hatred blinds, makes it impossible to adequately assess what is happening, so it needs a hard look human, not included in the emotional conflict between the spouses.
Codependent relationship in marriage can create (and often create) the intolerable conditions of life together. Love (passion) and co-dependence – motivation risky marriage. This does not mean that such marriages break up necessarily. Sometimes they last a lifetime. And the number of such marriages is large. But the problems of spouses and their children and grandchildren are sometimes formidable family legacy of future generations.
“So what now, remain on the shelf, without a husband and children, if your mutual love of the impossible? Then, because life will pass in vain! “- Are often ask us at seminars and lectures dedicated to the family and marriage. But the value of the person is not determined by the presence or absence of the spouse and children, and the meaning of human life in a family and procreation. Of course, marriage and parenting may be an important part of life, but it’s not the only way to realize their personal potential. We now have in mind not only the monastic way, as an alternative, especially since the idea of “Family could not have in the monastery to go” – misleading people do not really understand the essence of monastic life, because it do not go because of the failures in his personal life, and the love of God. In addition to monastic service, there are many other worthy choices for people who do not have their family, although from the point of view of human nature “is not good for man to be alone.”
Unfortunately, human nature corrupted by original sin and the whole history of humanity, so life is not all and not always have the opportunity to meet the higher purpose. Nevertheless, in spite of the pressure of the conventional, to those who “spends his days” alone does not necessarily fall into depression, suffer from an inferiority complex or to engage in soul-searching for answers to the questions “why is this happening to me?”, “What is wrong with me? “and” what I do? “. Not everyone is “destined” to become her husband.
So motives for getting married are extremely diverse. Which of them are constructive and should be leading in the decision? Which leads to the creation of a strong, reliable family? As we have seen, local psychologists are four main clusters of motivations for marriage: domestic, everyday, moral-psychological, family and parental and intimate personal. We consider this issue from a slightly different position. In our opinion, the leading motivation for marriage – spiritual and personal, then family and tribal, religious and moral, and finally, the socio-historical. This sequence is determined by our methodological basis – the Christian anthropology.
Man creates a family independently and responsibly, based on their personal and emotional desire to love, to grow, to create, transmit heritage, to build a house church. This is an ideal picture that in my life, of course, is rare. The most reliable in the psychological and spiritual points of view is a marriage of love – the active, mature, full of friendship and desire, responsible and joyful . Unfortunately, the percentage of mature relationship based on love, is very small. There is no clear definition of “true love” does not exist, there is only a description of its various features and displays. It is best described and studied the dependence, which many mistake for love. As a rule, love is distinguished honor, without idealization and devaluation, knowledge of the other, the willingness to give it time and attention, taking care of its development, the unconditional respect for his person and his freedom of choice, adequate responsibility – and all this must be combined with personal maturity of loving.
That’s because true love in our time has become a rarity, we have so many divorces. According to statistics in recent years, only 19% of couples motivation for marriage was love in Russian: “Do not part with your loved one.” This, however, does not mean that other motivation do not create strength in a relationship. Marriages of convenience can also be durable, which, however, does not make them functional. “For the future development of the marital relationship is extremely important degree of coincidence of motives of each of the partners, which determines the measure of matching expectations for marriage. For example, match a pragmatic motivation of both partners creates the basis for the stability of marriage. A marriage of convenience can be sustainable and meet both spouses “- says psychologist OA Karabanova. We would have objected to this view: such a marriage can be stable as long as one spouse is not like the real thing. Experience shows that no benefits and jointly acquired property will not stop a person, finding love.
We hope that in this chapter we have been able to show the difference between a passionate desire to have a family, “I want to get married / get married” – on the willingness to start a family with a loved one, “ready to be the wife of this man / is ready to become the husband of the woman”, and Mount and in joy, with responsibility and understanding of the potential risks, with the desire to keep faithful to each other and together to overcome crises, lying in wait for any, even the most wonderful relationship with hope and trust in God’s help in all good endeavors.