I do not know whether there are people who never throes of envy. But despite the prevalence of this feeling of envy is not to say frankly. It is possible and permissible to discuss many details of his personal life – but people rarely say, “I saw him a new book and realized that I wish this book a complete failure.”
There is a certain cultural standard that prescribes for us about this:
– Do not be envious of anyone;
– If so unbearable – the envy, but hide it from everyone;
– Well, if you absolutely can not hide their feelings – tell it – “white envy”, based on admiration.
In fact, we propose a rule: to hide their feelings and not particularly interested in a sense of jealousy that arises from others. When one of our friends said that “never did envy” – will give us the courtesy not even raise an eyebrow in surprise. These things are not kidding – you can really hurt people, if you make a “visible” his envy. And just behind the closed door of a psychologist or in anonymous chat rooms people are recognized in envy.
Let’s look at the “Overheard” project site, revered as the people anonymously talk about their secrets (source: ideer.ru/secrets/zavist/).
“… It would be fun to be able to view their stats. For example, how many people in the subway thought you handsome, how many did you break the heart of much envy you, how would you make friends, and so on. ”
“… I have a beautiful girlfriend. I envy her. And collect its bad pictures. ”
“… Since childhood I live in a resort village near the sea. Friends from childhood, which played before, come summer vacation by the sea – all are successful, married. I hide my eyes when they pass by, because that trading Semko and hazelnuts in the old dressing gown and flip flops at the very sea. ”
Let’s try to understand what makes us so painful to experience this feeling, and to understand whether it can “refine” and make the basis for something good.
Envy and self-worth
The main cause of envy, perhaps, become a deficit of self-worth .
Value in itself – it is not self-esteem, it is not connected with the comparison. “I’m done!” – A self-assessment, which can be situational: good exam, so well done.
The intrinsic value of the same is not situational. This is a fundamental experience which can be expressed by the words: “It’s good that I have. Well, what I am, as it is, and that I live. I – in their place, I want in this world, I have a right to be. That I exist is certainly valuable. ”
Parents have a huge impact on a child a strong foundation of self-worth can be laid through them, in which the person grows steady, strong and very envious. If education becomes the main way of comparison (with the sample, with a “more correct” children), the intrinsic value remains undeveloped, and instead rely on their internal sense of the value of life, man is trying to rely on the opinions of others. This makes us prone to envy, and still – vulnerable, unable to take criticism.
The Alfred Langley, psychotherapist of existential-analytical direction, described three factors that help to enhance the intrinsic value of childhood. They are found in the behavior of the wise parents whose children are not very envious. These factors are: respectful attention , recognition of the value and fair treatment .
If a child just is not enough, if the child is unfairly judged and compared with other, its absolute value not recognized, it is treated without respect – growing up, people can not detect in himself the experience of self-worth. He was not sure that is good enough for this world. He – “little gray bird”, and all around – “Swans”.
Deficiency of a fair, respectful and friendly to himself man then moves on to other people. So there is envy: it seems that others are doing or have is valuable, and what do I have (and that is myself) – it is not valuable.
It is easy to say: “Take care of yourself and stop envying.” It makes it much more difficult than it sounds.
HOW NOT TO BE ONESELF evil stepmother
Tale of Cinderella – is, in many respects, a fairy tale about the lack of self-worth.
Cinderella knew that his father and fairy godmother love her as she loved and her mother while she was alive. Togo respectful attention, recognition of the value and the fair treatment that was in very early childhood, it was enough to self-worth had time to take root and grow strong. That’s why Cinderella is easy and without envy, suffered the vagaries of her stepmother and stepsisters. Cinderella was to them in their own indulgent, because I understand: despite the carping, dirty clothes and hard work, it is in actual fact good enough to go to the ball too. When the fairy godmother offers her a beautiful dress, a carriage and glass slippers, she did not doubt for a second. She does not need a spell “After all, you deserve it.” It can be easily transformed into a princess, because I always felt that her life has value.
But stepsisters and stepmother are very unstable in the experience of the values themselves. They then show off to each other, that assert themselves by humiliating others, the dream of finding a rich husband. They were able to quickly switch between the poles “I am the coolest!” And “What if me will laugh at the ball?”
Lack of self-worth does our impression of themselves is very unstable. We fervently wish that our value confirmed some other people. And if we have something does not work – we act as their own enemies: mocks him, “poisoned the wounds”, engaged in self-flagellation, talking about himself in a derogatory manner. As if we become “stepmother” and the offending part of ourselves – “Cinderella.” And we ourselves unjustly punish, rather than to support and comfort.
And of course, self-worth deficit makes us very, very jealous. Because now someone else’s success as if destroying the value of our lives is in our own eyes.
“… Brilliant picture portrayed the daughter of billionaire American Vanderbilt in evening dress. There were fur and feathers, silk and pearls, extraordinary ease of cut and gorgeous hairstyle. That settled it. – Wow! – Said Ellochka itself. This meant that. “Or I, or is it”
I. Ilf, Petrov. The twelve Chairs.
Often we as Ellochka-ogress, find themselves “vanderbildihu”, which is both envy and imitate. We try to keep up. This gives rise to envy and a sense of superiority and snobbery – but sometimes our best achievements.
BRIGHT SIDE OF ENVY
Envy – a sister event, consequently from a good family.
No matter how frustrating and devastating experience envy, it makes sense to admit it himself, rather than to mask and hide. Firstly, from the mental health reasons: the fact that we hide from ourselves, acquires a thick “crust” of mental protection, “inflamed” and becomes a really big problem.
But there is another reason: envy is not only brings harm. It may be useful. In a sense, envy – a bad adviser. It makes clear our goals, values and desires for us. Very often only envy helps to detect those desires and dreams, in which we currently do not recognize.
For example: people jealous neighbor who has a lot of money. On a conscious level, we hear this explanation: “Yes, I envy him millions. More precisely, his luck. But his arrogance and unscrupulousness of envy do not want to. ” If we look a little deeper, we can see the country. These same “arrogance and lack of principles” (and in fact – determination, resourcefulness and determination) and this was the object of envy, and not the money. One simply can not decide to start a business, and the envy he tells: “It is time to decide”.
When we envy someone, we want ourselves to be like him, too, have something that envy: a beautiful voice, mathematical talent, the ability to appoint a high price for their labor or knowledge of languages …
WHAT TO DO?
American novelist and screenwriter Julia Cameron, in his book “The Artist’s Way” pays much attention to work with envy. It offers every reason for jealousy to find his “antidote”.
Exercise “Useful envy” looks like a table of three columns. In the first column you write, who are jealous. In the second – why . And the third – you can do yourself (or for yourself), to soothe stinging feeling of envy.
To envy : Colleague N.
Why? Knows French (Italian, Portuguese), and it’s so romantic.
What can I do? Resume the study of Spanish.
Julia Cameron has a very funny example:
To envy? Joseph Brodsky.
Why? He – a great poet.
What can I do? Try to publish their own poems.
Please note, we are not talking about the right to demand of himself: “Become a great poet, and immediately.” From envy cures (well, almost cures) the very fact that we have started to do something, began to develop in that area, where previously only jealous of others.
It turns out that “white envy” is quite possible and constructive – if we maintain respect for yourself and understand that they themselves also will try to reach its maximum in the selected area.
To fully realize their people envy a little.
Who enjoy the fact that he envies?
So, white envy – a pointer that tells us what we ourselves want. Black Envy – is non-constructive self-abasement and sabotage. An interesting question is: why a lot of people specially created such a situation that they were jealous of others? For example, most of us spreads in social networks pictures that embellish a little life. And along with that there are people who have never spoken publicly about their successes, victories and achievements – do not want to be envied. Why do we sometimes want to be the envy of us have experienced, even strangers?
When do we envy with a deficit of self-worth, then when we are jealous, gives momentary calm: “I have all good, just jealous of me.” Fair treatment and respectful attention and recognition of the value of others, we still do not get, but we replace these treasures cheap “substitute” – a prize in social comparison, a victory in the competition. So we compensate the experience of their own inferiority, inadequacy. What is the experience more disability, the more it hurts – and the more a person gets relief when he was beginning to be jealous of others. If these envious, in reality there is – he invented them, because without envy his life has no “high cost” in its own eyes.
How to behave when you are faced with envy?
Of course, it is very personal, even intimate experience, and general advice here can not be. I will share only those rules that I try to stick to itself.
If you notice jealousy in yourself, then:
It makes sense to find the cause. To understand what is really lacking.
Good start to do something to bring itself to the value pointed to by envy.
Do not copy other people’s achievements literally – let the man who has caused envy, will be the “muse-provocateur” and not a template for others to follow.
Strengthen your self-worth. In relation to the currently valid act carefully and with respect. … Be kind to yourself.
If you are trying to provoke the envy, boast, then:
It is useful to understand why and what man does;
Better not to devalue the achievements of others. Do not tease the man: “And that’s not jealous!” – In this state it can greatly hurt;
not included in the game if possible. Keep your distance. To respect and to demand another to be valuable, and to himself.
If you are jealous – that:
Try not to be immersed in the experience of “vindictive triumph” – is, though an intoxicating narcotic, but very unhealthy feeling.
If a person is aggressive and jealous clearly “black” – do not provoke him, and be very careful. Such people can be really dangerous and desperate in a fit of jealousy can commit terrible acts.
If you see that the person you pull, because he “sees himself in you,” he wants to do chto-to “by your example,” and thus he is not aggressive, he observes a respectful distance and not intrusive – it is good to help the man. Tell him how you got all the things he envies. If people hear you and believe in their abilities – you gain a friend and associate. But you do not need help – do it only if you really feel the sincere desire to share. If the “in good envy” wants to do something, looking at you – it makes sense to help. If in fact this is not no “white” envy – it is better not to get involved.
“If you only got a sour lemon – make lemonade.” And if, looking at other people’s success and another’s joy, you feel jealous – try to use it “for peaceful purposes”. But in any case – and when you are envious and jealous when you – remember the three things that are really deep can improve anyone envious. Fair treatment and respectful attention and recognition value. When it’s all there and in abundance – we really do not envy, and just admire and enjoy other people’s success. This is perhaps one of the happiest states of mind.