Under what circumstances love grows into love? How to distinguish love from love addiction? Can I learn to love truly? How to build a pair of durable emotional and spiritual foundation of a relationship? This is what we have talked to one of the authors of the edition “Love, love, relationship,” released last year by the publishing house “Nikea” Archpriest Andrey Lorgus .
16096Father Andrew, now leaves a lot of books and articles on the theme of love, love, relationship as a couple. What prompted you to a colleague to write another book? This topic is still a lot of unknown?
The main motive for two. For a long time, I have probably 8 years ago, my colleague Olga Krasnikova lectures on this subject at the Institute of Psychology of the Christian, and one of the sites put them at as videos. The popularity of these videos showed that the subject is extremely topical. We have continued to develop it within the framework of the course of family psychology, and, accordingly, the book – it is a logical result of our thoughts, clothed in the text. This is the first of a series of five books on family psychology.
The second reason was that pre-marital relationship between a man and a woman in love relationships tend to contain those nodes, the problem points that subsequently occur in family relations. A large proportion of family conflicts are laid even when meeting. Rather, even earlier – when choosing a partner
Psychologists have a little rude expression in this regard: “My husband – a man of my neurosis.” As a matter of our choice may already be some problem, and we would like to talk more about this in the pages of the book.
Yes, there are really a lot of writing about family and relationships of men and women. But in the Russian science is still, there is no developed theory of family psychology. The simple fact is at the Faculty of Psychology, the central institution of the country, there is the Department of Family Psychology.
That is, the development of family psychology is mainly borrowed from foreign studies?
No, can not say so. We have already accumulated a considerable amount of domestic research in related disciplines and, in fact, in family psychology. Russia has its own school of family therapy, which is headed by Alexander Chernikov and which develop many very interesting authors. We have quite a serious number of family therapists who have studied it professionally. In addition, in our country it is common counseling method Bert Hellinger – is also family therapy. This involved local experts who learned from him, but they are already venerable and experienced therapists. But academic psychology of the family still does not exist. Although already released a large number of books.
Our series of books, certainly will not claim to be a textbook – a popular publication. But as complaints about family issues are becoming more and more, we felt it necessary to offer the reader the experience that we have accumulated in the course of their work. It may be interesting as people undergoing treatment and those who do not need special care.
In the book, you spend distinction between love, love and love addiction. In a nutshell, how do they differ from each other and in each other go?
Love – it’s still an altered state of consciousness that can not last forever. Love short. Most often it ends in six months, rarely – lasts one and a half years. And love can last forever, she has no time limit.
Love can be a tremendous resource. Because love – a force of incredible power, it allows a person to break the cocoon of their security, secrecy and isolation. Blow up the capsule of fear and escape for a while the free world relations, to build a solid foundation for yourself, where can already start a new life.
But love often ends with the man returned to sink their defenses, fears, neuroses – and love fades. The man did not take advantage of this resource, not built a relationship.
An important resource of love also that love allows you to see the other person – the object of his love – a head taller and more beautiful. Lovers idealize each other. This idealization is a chance to see the man is not the way it really is, and how it can potentially be – and believe in him, encourage him, to show the best of it. This is a huge resource. But if idealization idealization and remain, this could lead to a profound disappointment and the breakdown of relationships.
Not always love passes into love. Love can only create the ground on which then will grow or not grow love. To love grew, the relation of man to whom he loves to be active.
What does this mean?
It means to move from feelings to actions. You can be in love, to sigh from afar indefinitely and nothing at the same time do not try to express their feelings, do not try to change their behavior towards humans. Here a lot of room for the manifestation of human passivity, infantilism.
As for dependence, then a completely different picture. Love does not enter the relationship, if it is a healthy love, that is, active, honest and sober. Can a relationship go in love? Also no. But the trouble is that many people take for love relationship. That is the danger lies.
Between love and dependence is a fine line?
Not subtle, but just not up to the end of the clearing. The fact is that in our culture, in principle, there is no psychological training. Once it is naturally contained in the bowels of the traditional society, the traditional family. it is not now. Therefore, in our time, when a person grows up, it is poorly understood his feelings, his emotional world, and did not imagine the alphabet relations. Its one that is not taught. And he takes a relationship of love.
The main difference between dependence and love is that love is unthinkable without freedom. In love, freedom is preserved, and the dependence of the freedom does not play in any way. Dependence – is by definition a deprivation of liberty.
Dependent people feel inferior without the other. “I can not live without you” – this is the motto of dependence. It is the cry of a small child. An adult is aware that he can live independently. A dependent is always childish. So when his love away from him, slamming the door, it does seem that life was over, that he was killed. And so he is ready to roll on the floor and keep your feet favorite to not only one left. He really at this point it seems that he was going to die. But it is the cry of the little man, from whom my mother out.
On the one hand, we say that a healthy plant an adult: “I can live without you.” On the other hand, in the Gospel we read: “It is not good for man to be alone.” Is there a contradiction here?
The fact that a person can live independently, it is neither bad nor good. This is normal. But independence does not mean some kind of ivory tower. No, human beings are made to live together. We do not live alone, and in the family, in society. So what kind of being alone can be said? We live together, but the theme of love, the theme of freedom from addiction is not something that I can live without you, but what if I love you, I wanna be with you. But if I can not be with you, I will not die from it. Although, to love and be together – is, of course, the suffering.
You mentioned that you love without freedom is suffocating and is not growing. But any relationship still involve some measure of restraint of liberty. As one goes with the other?
It goes well. Love includes compulsory condition – freedom. And freedom engenders responsibility. One without the other simply does not happen. So, of course, the restriction is present, but the limit is not dependency. Restriction – is, above all, self-restraint. I enter into a relationship – and the narrower limit myself. It’s not even in marriage, and in the relationship itself. Relationships always involve a self-restrictions in anything – and that’s fine.
And in love, and, depending on the feelings filled, overflowing the whole person. As in this case to distinguish one from another?
The main thing is still not in the feelings and in relationships and actions. Reliance on feelings too shaky, but reliance on their beliefs, actions, attitudes toward another person – this is a decent stay.
When a person says, “I live for you,” then what is it – love or addiction?
It is believed in many classic works of literature we read that in love one person gives to another of …
You do not need anyone to give themselves – is neurotic victim. If you give, the specific things: time, attention, behavior, care, and so on – but not themselves. No sacrifice in love, we do not bring. If given time, commensurate with the fact that you can give. If given concern, commensurate, as I am now able to take care of the other, to give him time, and so on. All this is a very specific thing.
Whenever people start to blame each other – it is not love. As soon as a motive: “If you love me, then …”, then this is manipulation, and dependence.
That is, to truly loving person can not be dissatisfied with something in a relationship?
Well, why not? I am angry that you do not clean up your room. I’m angry that you scatter around things. I’m angry that you smoke or swear bad language. A man may be unhappy, but it applies to specific things. This is normal.
If a person is aware that he has a dependence on the partner, like it to be? Work with your plants? Where to get power to love and not to be dependent?
It forces everyone enough, because man is a living soul, and there is always a surplus of those forces which he needs in any situation. Another thing is that not always it can actualize them, to mobilize and use. But the only way out of dependence – is growing up. The path of maturity. Dependency – is a manifestation of immaturity, and the only means of healing in this case – to grow up.
Can we still say that a love relationship – is a kind of inevitable and natural part of human development, such as, for example, is almost inevitable unrequited love in his youth? Or is it not characteristic for healthy people?
Dependence – neurotic distortion. This is a sign that in some age personal development stalled for some reason or went the other way – not growing the way, and the path of the device.
Imagine that in the relationship of men and women one person feels a love relationship. It turns out that the second of the pair, the one to whom experience this dependence is not very well, in a sense, need to depend on him? Or healthy people, too, enter into such a relationship?
The dependent relationship can not be established with an adult and mature person, because the adult and mature person does not need such a relationship. He asks himself: “Why” and abandon them. It should be prone to addiction try to manipulate him, offended, and so on, he simply turns and walks away. I do not need him.
And how, avoiding dependence, not to fall into the other extreme emotional detachment and excessive self-sufficiency?
This is the other side of addiction, which is now also beginning to explore. It is also a form of addiction, so-called “kontrzavisimosti”: a person feels a tendency to dependent relationship and begins to form for themselves antistsenary, that is, run out of the relationship altogether. If I can not love, but can only fall into the addiction, then I generally avoid relationships.
In fact, it is also dependent, but with a different scenario. With the helplessness with which a person can not cope on their own. On this subject it is already good, translated from the English books, such as “The Flight from the vicinity of” Barry and Jenny Uaynhold. From kontrzavisimosti, unfortunately, it is even more difficult to get rid of – so strong and stable relationship fears and avoidance skills relations. Usually, once a person with kontrzavisimosti felt that the relationship becomes a little warmer, improving, he avoids them breaks. Testing at this terrible fear, panic.
If the dependence of man brings suffering, love – it is always about joy, trust, respect, peace of mind?
Trust, respect – of course. But no peace of mind a person in our sinful world, by definition, is not. Of course, love is happiness and joy, there is pain – do not cancel one another. There is no way of human existence without suffering.
How can we learn to love, what steps to take to move in that direction?
Learn to love can love – and nothing else. No other way. Do not run away from a relationship. Feeling love for another person to build relationships. Sensing this relationship building as a school. Learn to take risks, to do work on the bugs, trust each other and share each other’s experiences and reflections, discuss them. It is the experience of living together in the broadest sense – not only marriage, but also friendship, partnership, joint activities with other people.
The hardest thing here – to study critical of yourself. Talk about your feelings, talk about how you do not like, that unpleasant. This process of “learning” love does not stop. We change, change our relationship.
Is there a chance the two neurotics to cultivate genuine love, in which there is freedom, intimacy, trust?
There is a chance, but you need to bear in mind that this is going on, if these individuals develop honestly, soberly. Occasionally there is an optimistic scenario, in which the passions are gradually declining, and people go to some kind of compromise, in which they have learned to live without the need of each other love. We learn to live, to adapt to the dependency and having won in this relationship some their distance. It happens. But then you need a very strong will to to save a relationship, because they are very heavy. However, the chance to grow up and find love, of course.
Interviewed by Anastasia Hramuticheva