Relationships often do not add up, because in the depths of our soul lives the fear to move closer to another person. Too afraid to love and to afford to open. A man, whom we trust, can go, to hurt or be a tyrant and take control of our lives. People usually difficult to recognize in themselves these concerns, because simultaneously with it they want relationships – romantic or even just a friendly. But if the fear is strong, the relationship usually does not even tied.
The most common scenario avoidance attachment
“I just have no one comes.” A good way to avoid attachment – set the bar for the standards, which may not correspond to any one person. Partner should be soft and gentle with me, but resolute and firm in the outside world, ready to take on any challenge, but at the same time relaxed and emotionally sensitive, to be successful in business and to spend a lot of time with me, very beautiful, but in no case is not fixated on the exterior.
Of course, this does not mean that we should underestimate their requirements and agree to a relationship with someone who you do not like and are not interested. But if time after time you are faced with the fact that no living person does not meet your standards, it is worth considering why the need to have your ideal partner enters into such sharp conflict with the desire to be with someone? Whether it is this desire? You may need is safer to be alone? If so, is much more useful and healing will recognize it, yes, now I’m afraid of intimacy, it seems frightening.
In this case, the next important question to him would be: what’s wrong – not good, but it is wrong, wrong and dangerous – I get entered into a relationship? The honest answer to this question can show any “hot spots” in the attachment are for you. I tie the man, and he will leave me, can leave, die or exchange me for someone else. Or, for example, will hurt me, without leaving the relationship: manipulate ( “Your friends just you do not appreciate someone should open your eyes”), force me to agree to something that I do not like ( “Yes, okay, great movie, you’re just boring “), to mistreat and to issue it for care (” I do not need you headache tablets, the body must handle himself “).
In such cases, psychologists usually ask customers: this is similar to what happened to you before? Scenarios of events, especially negative, we usually draw from past experience gained in the parental home or in previous relationships. How to release the parent script or past trauma? It is safer to do it together with a specialist – not least because the injury well disguises itself, but seen from the side. You can reflect on the old wounds and grievances alone with diary. Sloshing on offense paper, unfulfilled expectations and helps the pain gradually release themselves from difficult feelings. And the prospect of a new relationship is no longer so hard to scare.
Roller coaster in relations
Oddly enough, the merger – also a symptom of the fear of intimacy and affection. The merger has no place another person in it, as it were, two become one body. In fact, as we understand, this is not happening – just every member of the pair is living in an illusion of complete understanding and similarity.
This “sticking” is derived from fear to give yourself and your partner space to be different, not to agree, not to share something. Fear says that the slightest difference or disagreement lead to rupture. The thought is unbearable, and therefore need to achieve a similarity in everything: in musical tastes, political views, and culinary preferences.
But such a close contact can not last long, and the merger should be a violent quarrel, which makes it possible to move away a little bit and be alone with him. After that, usually followed by a new reconciliation – and the merger is resumed. Thus the relationship begins to resemble a roller coaster. On the one hand, it gives a lot of vivid emotions, on the other – is exhausting. And most importantly, in such a novel very little real intimacy: captured a succession of ups and downs, people do not have time to really get to know each other, to be near.
In fact, it is the avoidance attachment, just in a different form. Bursts of adrenaline, which give such a relationship, allow escape from the sadness and loneliness. If you are thinking that this scenario – your, try instead of another scandal calmly tell partner about your needs. – “I do not have enough of your attention, you are all the time lost at work, it seems to me that I was not valuable to you.” Calm discussion helps to understand the point of view of the partner, and therefore, gives a chance for a genuine rapprochement.
“Do not be parted with freedom,” when the fear of intimacy carries absorption
Tradition of education in our culture is such that the outside world is often considered dangerous and evil. Anxious parents, wanting to protect the child, but also often unwilling to part with him, frighten him. Many childhood heard phrases like: “And who are you so want, but us,” “Mom and Dad you are the closest people, but they can be trusted,” “Circle and only think about how to cheat you!”. Often, teens, fearing a natural for this age teenager aspirations to their peers and to reduce the authority of his own family, his parents being blackmailed loss of the most valuable, that he has a – their love and good relations. “You’re friends more than their parents – you do not want us to meet the New Year!”. “Come on, get involved with bad company, to end up in the gutter.”
And growing up a man reads the message: “Either I will love a loved one, or the rest of the world.” It turns out that payment of love – is the impossibility of at least sometimes be alone, to have an opinion, divergent views, separate friends, private space in the apartment.
Then closeness seems a heavy burden: who wants to give up an interesting life? But still I want to be with someone, because love – a natural and essential human need. The choice is painful. People who have inherited such a scenario, “free” tend to live a very busy life, which has everything but love. And entering into a relationship with someone, like a sharp hand over positions: go to work, or refuse to increase, starting to get sick over and over, at least go to his friends, even begin to dress differently, less bright. To implement this scenario, not necessarily even choose a tyrannical partner: just quietly “cut” pieces of colorful and interesting life. Mom and Dad after all made it clear: the price for a close relationship, which means that you have to pay.
If the parent family you have not received a positive experience together, which does not absorb the person, it is important to look for other good scripts. Look back: surely in your surroundings there are couples that can stay together without giving each other a lifetime. If this is your close friends, ask – how do they do it? It is important to believe and feel that really be intimate with someone, without losing yourself.