Hundreds of women within the network flashmob # YaNeBoyusSkazat publicly confessed to the assault on them and sexual harassment. Sometimes it’s the story of adult women, more often – on Children and Adolescents. What gives society a collective pronunciation of injury? There is a danger here for the victims themselves? His point of view is divided into an existential psychologist Irina Beletskaia .
“It is unacceptable to leave the man alone with the injury, which he scratched himself in”I see this flash mob ambiguous. Its good that some of the group to get the effect of exposure: women felt solidarity, have received support from the society, they saw that they were not alone, that they are supported by both men and women are the same as they are. The problem became apparent. This is a plus.
But I doubt the form of: the fact that it is carried out on the Internet, where everything is largely impersonal, where people distanced themselves from and where – this is important – a person has no opportunity to process these experiences. Do not just make them visible and properly handle, evaluate, give yourself the opportunity to experience the horror and accents correctly. Failure to do so may result in retraumatization – re-experiencing trauma not resulting in healing from it. This is the first negative flashmob.
Thus when a person makes in the public space of its deepest intimate experiences such that can be shared by no means all, and maybe even at all to anyone, because it’s too personal, – that he has erased the boundaries of intimacy. In this second big minus. In addition, the broken relationship with him: after exposing such intimate things to the public, I cease to be in contact with you, at this point I kind of look at myself on the side. Then who am I? What I therefore feel? Or I do not feel anything, because I was so ashamed that I have to stifle their feelings, to be able to make their intimate experiences in public space? In this sense, a flash mob is bad. He leaves unclarified important questions. As a person will live? To which he would build? Whether his relationship with yourself? This is the third serious drawback.
That man was able to speak about it, his courage – it positively. Now the man knows himself to this side. However, the basic human experience of survivor: “With me it’s wrong, I’m not,” does not change. It is replaced by the experience: “I’m still not so, but I can talk about it.” To come to the feeling: “I can appreciate and respect themselves, in spite of my traumatic experience”, you need a special way to treat an intimate experience in a safe environment in the therapeutic group or during individual psychotherapy.
Of course, it is important to draw public attention to this issue, show that violence exists, and that women survivors of this experience, we need support, including from their men. But the big question is whether or not each man who read the recognition of women, those necessary knowledge and skills to support their women? Were they able to develop as a result of reading his own attitude to the problem and to take their own position? What is it for them is how they are involved in this? Or is it for them just another shocking news that satisfies the curiosity of fact: today heard and forgotten tomorrow? But this is really a very important issue.
There is also an important educational aspect. Internet is used by all the texts read by children and adolescents. How it affects them? After all accents problems are not clearly separated. Who is to blame in this situation? Can it be prevented? What conclusions do those who read it? There are more questions than answers.
I believe that the theme of support for victims of violence needs to be addressed, it is necessary to speak. But the question of whether women make such a public recognition? Or a safer option and healing for victims of violence will be the interaction with a psychologist or therapist, or the passage of group therapy, where you can also get the support of the group? I support the idea that a person in need of psychological help, he could get it. And standards for such work does not involve a public confession.
It’s not just “unpack” all the complex feelings and make them visible, but the “process” and “collect” them again to a person, a new feeling about myself. It is unacceptable to leave the man alone with the injury, which he scratched himself. When this theme is infinitely Teasing, but one can not recycle it, to come to a new sense of themselves, to rebuild their lives in a new way – it causes him harm.
What can be the prevention of violence? This issue requires serious attention and special measures. The children – both boys and girls – have to train, what to do in such situations. How to recognize the impure intentions? How to respond? The very first thing a child can do when he feels sick to his interest – as soon as possible to find other people. Run to where there are other people and ask for help.
We must explain to the child that this is not a joke, it’s really very seriously. But they must tread lightly, so it was not a trauma, so as not to disturb the natural contact between the sexes. Do not be intimidated: children should not experience the horror of the opposite sex, just to understand what happens. The child must be mature position: yes, this may be, it is unpleasant, it is payment for what we live in a society and in this world, and it should be easy to keep in mind. And to know how to behave.
If there is an opportunity to meet a child after some of its activities, it is necessary to use it. But I would not advise to establish total control over the lives of children. First, the child can not be controlled completely. Secondly, thus you deprive him of the right to the intimacy of the border, the fact that he was a part of life, which he may not want to let you. Maybe he does not want to be all the time with you? Are you willing to give him the right to live their lives, make their own mistakes and gain experience, including possibly traumatic? There is no single answer: someone ready and who is not ready. It is a matter of parental courage, and every parent makes the decision himself.
It is important to know that we, as parents, have a right to their feelings, including fear for the health and well-being of their children. Sometimes we do not cope with these feelings and start to totally control their children. I believe that it is important to tell your child about his unwillingness to give him a lot of freedom to the child understand that we are not talking about the fact that he did not trust, and that parents have their own complex feelings about this, that they have not yet can be recycled. Yes, a parent can not help but feel fear. This fear is so strong that the parent has only one way to cope with it – total control. This is an unhealthy form, but if the parent is in another can not, it is important to still be open and honest with your child, talk to him about it. And then the child will be able to better understand the parent in his attempts to total control, will be able to perceive the threat of violence seriously, and even to support and reassure parents, to say that he knows the rules of safety and will try to follow them. Then it will be a mature personal dialogue. It is much better pressure. Open discussion of feelings and experiences of a parent, in my opinion, will be more useful than total control.