I never thought I’d be afraid to see the two test strips. That’s fair! From that moment, I realized the girl herself, and realized that it was a girl give birth to children, and only they, I realized that I would give birth. When I grow up. That is the fact that I have children, and I will be their very loving, I realized earlier. And when I realized that in order to have their appearance bothers me – I took it for granted.
I grew up in a large family: we have mom and dad nine pieces, I’m older. The appearance of each new baby was a joy. We waited for his appearance in unison, running to pump up the cradle, and then fed with a spoon, proudly carried the baby to the Communion. For 13 years, I knew that the children I will be a lot. Well, not as much as my mother – nine just very difficult to imagine. But five or six … Another scenario was not in my head. I’ll be a mom. I really wanted it, at some point (in 11 years), even went to the maximum bulging belly and imagined that my child there.
You do not think, I did not stop sectarian. Just the children for me – this is normal. This did not prevent me to finish school with a gold medal, with a pretty good university diploma and continue to work with the advent of children. Just kids – is a necessary part of my life. They – like the air.
It so happened that after graduation I married. Less than a year later our first son was born. In a year and almost two months – the second. It has been variously and hard, and easy, and joyful, and sad and happy. And sometimes all at once. But I have never regretted that the children were in my life so quickly, completely changing its whole rhythm and way of life.
But despite this, I suddenly came fear. However, fatigue came into my head the idea that I can not imagine how it is possible to have a third child. I’m tired, not getting enough sleep at times, I always did not have enough time or over or for cleaning, the mountain of diapers, this runs, the second is trying to creep.
And I had fear. Fear see the two strips. Potential child suddenly ceased to be desired. If before the second pregnancy I was thinking about the strips with humor: “And that same age – it’s probably cool,” but now I’m waiting with hope every “holiday”. And scared. I was afraid of this child.
It is said that every child should be wanted. Western society understands that phrase in his own way: if you have no desire to give birth to a child right now, better get rid of it. And he, the poor, will be unwelcome. Strange position is fundamentally wrong. I wish to be any child. When he appeared, was born in you – all, it’s your deathly pale. It is necessary to love and protect. It does not matter why he came – planned or accidental, of wealth or poverty. Everyone will find a place in the life and heart of my mother.
And to my mind obsessively climbed thought: “Maybe even get pregnant, I do not know about it – will be delayed a couple of weeks and it’s over.” These thoughts I carefully drove away – because it’s so close and to thinking about abortion roll! And that I have something that is so like a lot of children … to which every child should be a wish! And it’s not five, not six, but only a third.
I paint is what will happen if they come. No, not “Holidays”. Two strips. Senior year and eight, the youngest – seven months. And I – mother of many children. Honestly, in my mind I did not have time yet to meet two children, who, here they are, running (or crawling). What’s really nothing to talk about, to imagine one more!
If the thought of another pregnancy I started to shake hands, I hide in a corner, and there is not to get out. I felt bad there, I started to step back from her husband. In the end, I just burst into tears in the pillow by his helplessness and dullness. How to fit in my head its unwillingness to have another baby and the idea that actually I want children, but not right now?
But I honestly tried. And then he realized how stupid of me did not share his fears with her husband, did not consult with him, do not ask for support. Once at nightfall we had discussed this issue – and I have not presented their own, as if plunged into a new reality. So I wake up in the morning, do the necessary manipulations. My heart skips a beat, and … the test is positive. What then? If you do not panic? And suddenly, all my fears seemed so silly! Everything that I think up myself and naboyalas suddenly fell apart at the sight of these two imaginary strips.
I imagined how I put a hand on her stomach and say, “Hi!” And I wanted this child, I realized that if God gives it to us, I’m afraid of losing him, afraid for his future. I can fit it into their plans, in our family life. Yes, parents will not be easy to hear this – the grandson of the third row! My husband remarked with a sigh, that I then have to lie a lot, so that nothing happens, and there is no money for a babysitter, so the children have to sit him, except that the third time will come aunt sometimes help. We sat and just imagine the future, which can be – safely, without nerves and juggling, and most importantly, together.
I wanted this child. Not sometime later, and in the near future. I realized that I’m not alone (what a stupid I was when thought so!) That the husband will always support me comfort that he would love a third child as much as the first two. And I clearly realized – God is free to give us both the child and not give. And do not depend on us, I see two strips or single. Everything is in His hands.
Two strips – a feature of the boundary, the closed gates of the past – as a double solid, which can not be crossed. So, as it was already will not be exact. Because the new man knocking at the world – and I have no right to interfere with him. The most difficult thing – to realize that nothing in life happens for a reason. All sent to us for something. Perhaps our fears – the fear of difficulties that will lead us to salvation? And the fear of something, we instinctively understand that this is the best way, but it is also the most difficult?
Maybe … Because children – it is difficult. This time, nerves, energy, sleep and peace of mind. It’s part of our lives and our hearts. “A woman will be saved procreation.” A time will be saved, so it is not easy. But happily!