Ralph and Susan have been married for 13 years, and they have two lovely children. They lived measured life: a house in the suburbs, work, kids, school, clubs … For none of them the marriage was not an end in itself, but in general they felt that they had a normal relationship.
Susan beginning to suspect something when I noticed that Ralph talking on the phone more than usual. Sometimes she could not help but ask, “what’s happening?”, But in response only heard “anything, just check the news,” or “in the office today, hell, I need to be in touch.” And she believed him.
When Susan found out that Ralph is overwritten with another woman, she was completely suppressed. Her world collapsed. She never thought did not admit that Ralph – man, able to commit treason.
First, Ralph denied everything. He felt he had to protect Susan from a terrible truth. But when the evidence was more, he could not continue to lie. He was having an affair on the side.
He could not understand how it happened that he began a much deeper relationship with another woman. It just happened. He and his colleagues began to communicate more often. He was pleased to meet with the person who always listens, who considers him special. For a long time he and Susan did not have such a close relationship.
The novel developed, and Ralph had convinced myself that Susan anyway. He felt that he was no longer interested in her sexually. Their life was more like a life roommates than loved ones.
As a psychotherapist, I have heard many similar stories in the past 15 years. Any betrayal, emotional or sexual plan, destructive. Both spouses are suffering. But cheating does not mean that the relationship came to an end.
Post-traumatic stress disorder with treason
Deceived husband covers a wave of emotions. It overwhelmed the pain, hurt, anger, humiliation and despair. After an injury that caused a betrayal, it becomes fearful, anxious and doubtful, he is always thinking, how and when will the next blow – almost the same symptoms of PTSD experienced ex-military.
The head is constantly spinning the question: “What else do not I know? As it was, really? “. And at night, and the day before the eyes of the image appear in which your spouse with someone else, and life becomes a nightmare.
Guilt because of infidelity
Traitor is also experiencing a variety of emotions. Terrible to see how your spouse is suffering, and to know that you can do nothing to alleviate his suffering. Feelings of guilt, shame and humiliation become almost unbearable.
How there is treason? Why the couple decided on deception? The answer to these questions are not so easy to find the reasons may take months.
Recover after infidelity possible
Is it possible to recover after infidelity? For most couples the answer – yes.
Many couples with whom I worked, were able to build on the ashes of treachery more powerful, wealthy and close relationship. Of course, to do this was not easy and not quick. As with any serious injury, needed time and a special therapy to heal the wounds.
It is tempting to think that in due course all will pass by itself. But if the problem is to sweep under the rug, the anxiety, fear, anger and guilt, which initially feels deceived spouse, develop into a grudge – slow smoldering anger, which subsequently lead to contempt for the traitor. However, research by Dr. John Gottman shows that contempt deadly effect on the relationship.
Family therapy can help a couple to find out what happened. The deceived husband should get answers to the questions when and where the affair began on the side, as it lasted. The one who betrayed, to try to understand how and why there was cheating, and how to make sure that this does not happen again. He also needed to sequence stories from conversation to conversation. All I know? You’re lying to me?
Questions about the features of sexual relations is better not to ask. These issues tend to do more harm than good, as it conjures up images that will later haunt the deceived husband.
When the deceived husband feels that he received answers to all their questions, the couple can begin to restore confidence. These couples like Susan and Ralph over time, gradually moved away from each other, with the result that was made possible by Ralph treason. They neglected to care about the relationship between them.
When the connection is re-established in a pair, spouses need to re-tune to each other. Susan and Ralph noticed that avoided each other in order to avoid conflict. Setting relationship means that you need to talk about the problems – both current and past, although it can cause pain.
Recognize that conflict is inevitable
Conflict is a natural part of married life. In any relationship, people experiencing conflicts due to differences in values, beliefs and life’s philosophy. When these differences are discussed calmly, with respect and understanding, the couple acquires even greater intimacy. But sometimes, everyone pulls the blanket over himself. It is necessary to practice the communication skills that such discussions took place smoothly.
Once again the couple turned to each other face, it would be useful to invent for themselves some important rituals to save this relationship. To this can be creative, to create something special and unique. One couple with whom I worked, decided together to drink coffee in the morning and 30 minutes. They discussed the news, the day ahead and tried to listen to each other.
In another family, the couple put the children to bed and filled the large bubble bath. They said that all the best conversations between them were held in the jacuzzi.
Sexual and emotional infidelity inflicts a terrible blow to the relationship, but it does not necessarily mean their end. The strong spirit of a couple who were able to escape and seek help, after infidelity have created a much more meaningful and intimate relationship.