How to understand that the relationship with their parents are poisoning your life, and what to do if it does? These questions are answered by the American psychotherapist Susan Forward, in his book “Toxic Parents”. Impressions from reading the book, and experience in the application of the principles described in it to share with us a reader Elena Okuneva Matres.
The fact that a good psychologist to find as difficult as a good confessor, I was convinced of their own experience. Partly for that reason, but more due to the peculiarities of temperament and upbringing, I prefer “self”, mainly through books that I find on the net itself (including and to Matron comments, so thank you sisters) and are advised to “fellow sufferers “.
This I advised my niece Olga. Together, we often discuss family history and try to find answers to difficult questions.
Susan Forward book “Toxic Parents” was written in 1989 in collaboration with Craig Buck, based on 18 years of experience the therapist.
The theme of the book – child abuse. Child abuse itself is terrible when the here and now. But more frightening is that injuries in childhood, affect the rest of his life. Many people do not realize why their lives (and their children) can not be arranged, invent myths about the “family curse.”
After all, it is very difficult – to recognize that serious relationships with parents have a powerful influence on the rest of his life. Even a one-time episode of physical or sexual violence has consequences – low self-esteem up to self-destructive behavior. According to the author, “abyuz in any form it leaves scars identical.”
But the most important thing – these people can be helped. The methods of treatment, as well as bodily injuries, are also similar.
So I started down through the circles of hell, from divorced, perfectionist, controlling parents until the last type – sexual abyuzerov. The topic of incest in the book is given the most attention. Probably because this theme is the heaviest. I would not advise to read this chapter impressionable people. As the saying goes – “the nerve please retire.”
Sometimes it was curious, sometimes bitter and hurt, and sometimes scary. She read for 2 nights. On this Olga he said, “You’re crazy, SO 2 pm do not read, you can blow up!”. I did not explode, but perechuvstvovala much … Sometimes I wonder to what only did not think parents are trying to take control over their child! Sometimes it sneaks chill in my stomach, like before an exam. Sometimes it was an aversion to nausea. Never before in reading such books my feelings did not come out on the physical plane.
The author believes that it is necessary not only to treat the symptoms, but also to get to the root, to break the link with past traumas. I am a maximalist, stick to the principle – “all or nothing”. Therefore, the book caught by the fact that the author is ready to help, to support, to explain, to teach, to lead “until victory”. Susan seems to be saying, “Do not be afraid, you will succeed!”
The book is a “know-how” in the literal translation – “know how”. First, the author suggests the diagnosis – a small questionnaire, in order to, according to the author, “to feel the pulse of your psychological.” I realized that I had all bad, since the first group of questions. Two follow-up – is “the resulting consequences.”
Sometimes in such patients books, which the author cites appear some schematic and predictable invented in order to illustrate a particular case, the method of treatment and outcome. From the stories told in this book, I had the strong impression that the author talks about alive Uninvented people. What is striking is that it is not exceptional cases, but the most common, though some of them are terrible.
Books that came across to me before, say that only we are guilty of what happens to us, so we must all understand and forgive. But S.Forvard question the healing of such forgiveness. In order to forgive really, not to bury all his pain even deeper, you need to go through all the stages of therapy, one of which – a confrontation with his parents.
Susan offers to work with their experiences, in accordance with its own rhythm. In the book, there is no rigid schemes, there are just suggestions.
One of them helped me to take an important step.
The author acknowledges the influence on us already deceased parents. Requirements, risks and expectations of parents continue to operate for many years after their death. For me, as for the Orthodox, it is supported by another and belief in the afterlife.
However, I was convinced that after the death of the parents be charged becomes impossible. The powerful taboo does not allow us to judge the dead. The deification of the dead parents performed almost automatically.
But S. Forward believes that begin to deal with these relationships is never too late.
She offers to write a letter to parents, and even results in short – by 4 points – the message plan and the approximate expressions, many of which begin with the words “How could you … or” How could you … “. When I learned that the parent abyuza no statute of limitations, I like burned – this is mine, this will help.
At night I was bad. Ideas floated in the head by a swarm. I’m not praying. Poor asleep.
I could not procrastinate, write and rewrite the message, as long as it does not like me. Moreover, I felt that I could never get together to do it. I was a little scared.
I decided not to write, and talk to your parents. Go to the cemetery and sit on the bench and express all that boiling in his lifetime and that stumbles on the defensive. My father always said, “You are well settled – in all blame the parents! I’ve been with her so long to you, “Mom:” Do not you dare talk to her mother, that’s going to die, then you will regret. ”
All day long thought that to say, remembered. Inside, everything is opposed! First – “I will not go now, it is too late …” to force myself to go. Already arrived at the cemetery, I suddenly thought that I can not find graves now get lost here. Although it was a completely irrational – May 10 was a day of remembrance, has only recently been here and a good guide.
He came and sat. And suddenly – a word went by themselves, all in order, all the sick … I cried bitterly as not crying long ago. I thought I had already forgotten how to cry so. I cried just as if a teenage girl whose mother used to say that all normal children, and her daughter thick bungler, that we should go to school and tell everybody what I’m rubbish really, it is necessary to me as should be punished … I came back 40 years ago. This time I was not gagged, and I said everything. It is such a relief!
The book I was shocked. The first shock – a change of roles. We are not bad kids, is said or thought our parents. What they are to us, too, have their own reasons, but that is no reason to continue to cripple in this life. Especially if we have children.
The second shock – in my case, the methods proposed by the author, so worked well and so helpful.
I think I’ll come back to this book, and whatnot’ll be able to use it to think, understand and decide to do.