Life Stories

The preparatory group of kindergarten, playground, winter.

Julia (stepping on Sasha and clutching a shovel):

– Why do not you play with me ?! I want to be friends with you!

Sasha (hiding his head between his shoulders and retreating to the veranda):

– Julia, today I can not be friends with you.

Julia (energetically waved his shovel):

– And I want! Let `s play!

Sasha (almost crying and looking for support):

– I will not! I have a headache.

Julia (stomping their feet and waving a shovel).

At this point, I found it possible to intervene.

– Yulechka, – I said – I think you’re very angry.

– No! – Julia exclaimed angrily and stomped her foot for emphasis. – I am not angry! I just want to be friends.


Our culture is not made to be angry. Especially the girls. Especially open. The bosses yelling – angry woman screaming – naughty. You can grumble, mumble, sarcastic, insert pin and pout. You can take offense. In severe cases, it may be a direct insult to the interlocutor ( “idiot!”), But for what you can not scream, as in American films: “I hate you!”. Not accepted. Because evil, angry, aggressive individual of a female – it’s very scary. It can afford only those who have nothing to lose, for whom the label “psycho bitch” nothing will change in the destiny.

Our lovely Yulechka and Sasha brilliantly demonstrated the full range of possible reactions. Judge for yourself. Julia expresses his desire: “I want to be in contact with you.” Imagine for a place of her drunken husband, came home late (too late – because at the time Sasha was busy playing with other girls) and requiring anything from dinner to sex. It requires roughly, without foreplay and strokes. Neither you flowers, not even a ritual, “Honey, how was your day?”. On the face of power and authority. Well, or fantasy, that the strength and power on his side.

In response, Sasha takes the pose “the weak and defenseless,” I feel bad, I have a headache, I’m sorry. That is, rather than to precipitate a cad, to show that she is afraid of him, in the end, just quietly call for dialogue, Sasha hides in the disease. It also “adopted”: to deny her husband the pretext of a headache. It has become so cliché that’s not even funny. But Julia is not retreating, she is angry stronger turns purple and is ready to use force.

It’s amazing how children are all taken. After all, if we can show this scene to parents, they are not for anything in the world do not recognize themselves in the characters faces. Why go with Julia began attacking? Because she was already spoiled the mood, right here in the morning. Maybe not awakened in time, perhaps she herself becomes ill, but not yet realized this. There is a version that it was some sort of a plan for a walk: to build a house Sasha, for example. And Sasha was intercepted by the other girls. And she was angry. And instead of scream on the street: “Sasha, I was waiting for you, and you’re playing with the other!”, Julia tries to keep up appearances. That is, trying to hide his anger and speak politely. Only the text is not the same as the non-verbal, bodily messages: the language of the “let’s be friends,” and in the body, “I want to hit you.”
Since mankind has found it (the word) much later than sign language, we all react in the first place for them. In gestures. On the position on the facial expressions on the intonation. You can hiss: “My dear” – expensive and prefer to stay at work, but would not hear and does not see these declarations of love. And you can call your child’s monster, and it will be perfectly happy, in fact, may even be presented this nickname. Because the main thing – tone, posture, gestures. Even a child can embrace so that it will either suffocate or purr.

With Julia’s all clear, let’s look more closely to Sasha. Sasha – small, fragile, with huge eyes, a soft voice, a copy of his mother. When she was three years old, I worked with her over the many fears, taken over her mother. Previously, her mother did not work and was afraid of everything. Last year, she went to work and began to build a life: her voice has changed, gone pleading and whining tone, she learned to answer: “No, just no.” And Sasha, too little gained strength, sometimes even bosses in the group (in the absence of “superiors”). But in a standard situation, it is an attack that reacts standard: if possible – to comfort the aggressor, to adapt to it, ulastit; if not impossible – it flees. My practice as a family therapist says that in this way the aggressor not stop, they just pluck.

Able to express AGGRESSION

I suggested to Julia: “Let me teach you the right to be angry. Look at me! Make a “brutal” face. The most evil, only what you can. No, do not, do not pose the muzzle just bared his teeth, wrinkled his nose, frowning and straining every muscle. That’s right. And now – Roar. Just no words, low sound from the middle of the abdomen, Roar: “P-rr”.

Julia carefully growls, it turns out.

And now add the legs, come on, Yuille, stamping their feet stronger. Squeeze hands into fists, but do not wave them as a mill and shake near the body as if threatening. And add sound more “A-ah-ah-r-r-s!”.

We were tightened still children, yet simple look. And what we stand, nothing to do? Come on, stood in a semicircle, and all together, “P-rr! How angry I am! Now I’m just bursting with rage! “. The teacher interested tightened.

But the theme is not concerned with all the children, most of their games continues. And rightly so: not all have difficulties with expression of feelings.

Please note: no direction, this anger has not. We are talking only about themselves and their feelings, no one no one else catches, so all is safe. Compare the two fierce shouting, “I hate you!” And “I hate you!”. Just – “I hate” someone unknown. When a person says about himself, it does not hurt others. All training takes no more than three minutes. But it’s done, Julia obviously “let go”, she relaxed, turned pink, breathing easily. Surprisingly, it is suitable Sasha, looks into his eyes and quietly said: “Come into the house?”. The others disagree.


We have lived the emotion of the body. We did not attack anyone, not rushed with his fists, not shouted: “You stinking freak!”. We first realized his feeling ( “I’m mad”), named it and allow your body to react. All this on the spot. As the saying goes, “no animal during the shooting has not suffered.”

After the emotion recognized, named and lived in the body, it goes away. If this is not done, we will start to hurt, the body appears painful clamps and blocks have to swallow pills and go for a massage. The main cause of headaches in both children and adults – surface tension in the back of the neck, due to the aggression suppressed.

IF you angry …

tell yourself: “I am furious!”;
Breathe deep the nose, squeeze fists, tense muscles, especially the shoulders, forearms and face muscles. Make a “brutal” face;
if possible – exhale with a growl, trying to push down the sound, as if from the stomach, but not the vocal cords;
– if not simply noisy exhale with force, also down;
and relax your muscles.
Even the most responsible of the meeting you can always jump to the toilet. And there growl. I guarantee: work. And the head does not hurt.