Why screams and scandals in the family for us the norm? Why people do not know how to build family relationships? About emotional abuse in the family, we are talking with a psychologist Archpriest Andrei Lorgus .

Emotional abuse – more complex topic than physical violence. Physical abuse can be documented; it somehow, but jurisdiction. Emotional abuse is almost not subject to documentation (it can even be accompanied by a cry) and is outside the law (with the exception of “incitement to suicide” article).

Disappointingly for victims

Emotional abuse is not gender: rapists can be both men and women … And women and men – “different” rapists or the nature of the violence is the same?

The fundamental difference. Methods of emotional abuse are almost identical. Manipulation (you did it, so I’ll do it), worsening (as you deserve; you always do what you expect from another), comparison (the neighbor / neighbor is better at). These are typical methods of emotional impact, they do not have sex, they are the same. Here you can not select a specific female or male.

Although traditional weapons woman – language, and men – a fist, so women often resort to it is emotional abuse. Woman “sawing” the man says nothing, but his anger is accumulated. When patience comes to an end, he hit a woman, and the woman screams, cries and wrote a statement to the police. This is a simplified scenario. The reality is more complicated, but the ratio of manipulation and violence is about. It may be the opposite: a man manipulates and woman “respond” – leaves the house, change, or even hit her husband (rare, but it happens).
Archpriest Andrei Lorgus
And what is the original cause of violence? Why is it happening?

This is the most difficult question, and the answer is disappointing for victims. This is only because the victim provide this opportunity. Violence can not be made where there is no interest, where there is no emotional significance of the relationship of the victim and the perpetrator. It’s always emotional dependence.

The dependence is present in any family?

No, not at all. Relationships can be quite functional. There are people who do not enjoy that sort of thing, and build their relationship openly and directly.

This requires a certain experience?

Or desire.

For example, a woman is ready to have her husband’s encouragement and support, and he starts to humiliate her …

This already has some disturbing note … Some women live by the principles of “I’ll do anything, just take me to marry you,” “I’m all for you, just do not leave me.” Men also show a dependence on women. The abuser feels it, and he has a desire to manipulate. “You want to make me happy / happy? And I do not want to, I better pull out of your veins. ” And start nitpicking – not cooked, not bought …

What do we have? In the case of physical violence we have come to the conclusion that to speak of “fault” of the victim’s immoral and not constructive. And in the case of emotional abuse, it turns out, “samaduravinovata”? Well, or “samdurak” …

It is better not to speak of “fault”. It is a question of responsibility. So, the responsibility always lies in relationships on all sides of the relationship. The responsibility is not the same, but it is not consistent with the severity of the possible crimes, and to the role which falls to the share of person. The role of wife, the role of the husband, the child role. That this responsibility can not fail to take if you were at home. Your husband is an alcoholic, or a psychopath, but you are his wife; husband hysterical woman – also her husband. And here – responsibility.

Incidentally, the emotional abuse is more difficult not only to convict and punish, but … even notice. You can be a victim of emotional abuse and find it years later. For example, a man retired after myocardial infarction in the hospital undergoing rehabilitation with the therapist and discovers that many years and subjected to depreciation charges on various occasions, which led to depression. And he endured for the sake of the family “of the world”, for the love of his wife. Is not he responsible for his condition?

If the violence is repeated, one must understand at least two things: how there is tension in the relationship and why violence did not receive the appropriate rebuff. That’s about the last we say.

If a woman was the victim of violence, why this could happen again? If it each time after beating goes to conciliation in the hope that her husband will change, become calmer, will respect it and regret, it actually stimulates new act of violence on his part: the rapist gets used to the fact that the victim as “possible.” This is the first option.

The second option, psychopathological, – a “benefit as a victim.” On it is written already: from Erich Fromm in his book “Escape from Freedom” from Erich Rupert in the book “Trauma calls and family constellations” in the book Ilse Kutschera and Christine Scheffler, “What is with me.” The phenomenon of violence as a paradoxical relationship in a pair is found, alas, often. The paradox of it is that a woman does not leave such a relationship until you die.
Why sacrifice there is “interested” in the violence?

It is not interested in the usual sense of the word, that is not a mental phenomenon and unconscious emotional. This passion complex. It’s like the “enchanted princess”: it beat, and she returns to the abuser. Psychologist is too difficult “spell” the victim. To do this, you need to take responsibility for the fact that “me” is derived. A victim of this particular and fear! “How, – says the woman – I hit, and I should be responsible for this? Never!”. That is the first thing that you need, although it is difficult and very painful – to take responsibility for the relationship. The second thing that has to do – give up trying “to change it.” Here we are talking about the turn of emotional attention from him to themselves. As long as a woman does not take himself and his fortune as used on greater value than the attitude of the perpetrator, she can not change anything. And the third – the victim must accept the installation of the application of austerity measures curb violence: physical protection, the police and the court.

Will the potential victim or the one who is absolutely not ready, because his family is not practiced?

For the first time it could happen, but the second – no. It is not broken self-esteem in the human soul, integrity, chastity, it will not be a victim. Relationship “abuser-victim” are formed, usually in co-dependent relationships.

How to avoid the co-dependent relationship?

With a deal. Man Having dealt with them, can not tolerate manipulation. When people blindly enter into complex relationships, not understanding that they are carried out of the parental families, it threatens to hit in such a relationship.

From dependence to independence

So how can you get out of a destructive family scenario? Very often we hear and read popular articles on psychology: You were beaten and humiliated parents – you’ll beat and humiliate their children, mother “nagged” dad – you “saw” her husband, dad beat my mom – you will find a husband who will you beat.

First of all – put a different question. If you’ve seen a child that my mother did not respect dad, and my dad was rude and rude to my mother, do you think that is good and right? You do not stop loving mom and dad, but think you can not behave this way. Once the child admits the critics, for actions – not the individual – his parents, he becomes an adult, no longer carry the features of these “family heritage”. Enough of a critical attitude to the family in which you grew up, to avoid this in his new family.

Society is gradually inclined to think that when a husband beats his wife – this is an unacceptable situation that can not endure the beatings of a husband and have to leave at the earliest opportunity. And if the victim is subjected to psychological pressure, whether it is necessary to endure? Can I reformat such a relationship?

Yes, only if you both want to do something. From both need a lot of strength, patience, health.

How to help the perpetrator aware of their situation, what to do if the victim wants to help itself and the abuser to keep the family?

Helping both necessary, this alone can not achieve. Usually, unfortunately, one of the couple said: “Our family is unsuccessful, go to a psychologist,” and another: “No, I have everything in order, it is to you that something is wrong.”

To the psychologist necessarily to go? We can not by yourself?

It is possible, if both will understand the situation.

Do you personally know such cases, when people corrected their attitude?

We had to face it. People say, for example: “Five years ago we had a crisis, but we have solved the problem.”

Now popular joke – wife or husband asked, “You want to be happy or right?” I mean – if you want peace in the family, never argue, to agree with everything.

No, it’s just a way to codependency. It is necessary to pronounce that you do not like or what you want. Another must not guess, the game of telepaths and partisans ineffective. Of course, we must understand that there are fundamental things where you have to defend for his position, but there are occasions when it is better to give up.

I prayed there for the night Desdemona

Often emotional abuse manifests itself in the form of unfounded jealousy, and not always to the merits of the opposite sex – jealous of your friends, a hobby, a work …

This – a consequence of already disturbed conjugal relations. Work only with jealousy pointless. If the spouses do not discuss what they feel, hoarding it in yourself, then it spills over jealousy, screams, scandals.

In a normal family jealousy can not be?

But why? Maybe it will be just the subject and situational. And when aimless – this is a sign of disturbed marital relations. My wife went to the corporate, waiting for her husband, she comes to fun, it smells of alcohol … it is clear that her husband does not like it. Or the wife knows that her husband was at work surrounded by young women, and is afraid that he is carried away by someone, even looking husband correspondence with collaborators. This feeling is not constructive, it is destructive, it is a passion, but if there is a reason – this is normal. But if there is no reason, then it’s not jealousy, but in something else.

The problem is international, but the social

Most of our families live in a constant situation of emotional abuse. And in other countries?

According to the literature, both in America and in France, and in England the same problem.

That is not to say that Russia’s worst …

In Russia, indeed, the overall situation worse, but it is not a psychological and social problem. This stems from the accumulating aggression in society, which we carry in our souls and spill over into violence. It is a known phenomenon, and the dependence here – direct property. When a man comes home from work in a rage, he pours out his anger on their home – to a spouse, to the children.

That is, roughly speaking, weary parent at work in a prosperous country, knowing that the child was a deuce, just express displeasure, and in Russia will yell at him and may even hit.

Yes, even without Deuce – Do what you can complain a little. The question is the degree of humiliation that this man was at work, the degree of its tension in the society, in fear, in depressions.

It turns out that the perpetrator is not guilty? It is liked to say in the nineteenth century, the “environment devoured”?

Here, as in the case of the victim, it is necessary to speak not of “guilt” and about responsibility. The responsibility of the perpetrator remains on it. But if we want to understand the phenomenon, we must take into account all the factors that led to violence, including social.

“Domostroy” is dead, long live the? ..

The problem can not get rid of? In a society will always be emotional abuse?

I do not know – how can you know what will happen in the future. family culture only develops and how everything is just folding culture, very primitive. Past family and tribal culture in our country has been destroyed.

But with the family problems were also up to 1917 …

The problems of the patriarchal family went along with it. The patriarchal family is partially maintained before the war, but it was destroyed in the postwar years. In the empty space there are new tradition. For our country is characterized by the culture of “detotsentrichnoy” family, the meaning of life when their parents entered entirely in children. We have received widespread existence of single-parent families. There are weekend family vacation family where spouses live in different cities, more people live together, not making out a relationship. This new family ties, which do not know what will happen, but one thing is certain: that the family, which has been in the past, does not exist, it is created anew.

That is the call for a return to the patriarchal family unconstructive?

Absolutely. It is not, no one knows in what way can it be to return and whether to return. Young people get married and do not know what to do, and no one can tell them. And this situation of social vacuum, when the parents are afraid to say something to your children, to marry. They and their experience does not want to share, and are afraid that the kids just will not listen to them. Therefore, the majority of parents are now thinking: “If only lived, and well!” And the young people are in dire straits, endlessly stepping on a rake. They and their parents are not willing to listen, and a critical attitude to the experience of the parents can not, because they do not have matured.

It turns out that the prognosis is dire …

Only consolation is that the family is in the nature of the person, then the person will always build family relationships. He needs a family. He loves his family. But what a family really need it – an open question.

Interviewed by Tatiana Kirillina