When the thought “Maybe a divorce?” First came into my head, I felt the ground slipping from under his feet. All the insides immediately protested: “No, how can you avoid all the petty thought in your head ?! this does not happen in our lives! Never, no way! “In the five years up to this point I was getting married to the man she loved with a firm and unshakable conviction that we will live together forever. Otherwise – why get married?
However, even now, has long gone through a divorce and all of its implications for their lives, I stay with the same opinion: to found a family is only when there is confidence (or belief) that it is – the project of a lifetime. However, the reality is often not considered with our plans. People change, and one is not beautiful day, we may find that we live not with the person who was loved. Or … well, I’m not going to list all the possible reasons for divorce.
Whatever the occasion, a divorce – it is always a terrible pain, the collapse of the major expectations and fear. I still remember the period of divorce as one of the darkest and painful in my life slowly dying doubt the correctness of the decision, fear of the future, endless hell of memories, and daily self-torture reflection – where and what did I do wrong? My experience with women shows that this “emotional tail” often occurs in situations of divorce.
Doubts. And I doing the right thing? Maybe it is a little more patience? Maybe he will change?
Autoaggression. Self-blame, guilt, and in front of the children. I probably she did something wrong …
Fear of the future, fear of loneliness. Who do I need? And suddenly I am now left alone for a lifetime.
The first problem – doubt. “Perhaps, after all, to come back?”
Doubts do not disappear at the same time making a decision. No, these insidious parasites penetrate into the consciousness with enviable regularity – both before and on time, and after the divorce. And I doing the right thing? Maybe we should wait a little more and everything will change? Well, he even asked me to forgive him for his behavior. And a bouquet from a florist ordered. And there is something about the psychologist mentioned.
Sometimes at this stage of the relationship is really renewed. But rarely “second attempt” is successful.
Why? Because apology bouquet (even ordered from a florist!) And oboronennye words “and not go to a psychologist?” Are not changes in the relationship, or even their signs. Yes, the usual patterns of behavior can be changed even after ten or twenty years of marriage. But this requires, first, time, and secondly, bilateral effort. Was this the work done by you and your spouse? What, other than apologies and gifts, you have a guarantee of fast changes? What is your reason to hope that things will be different, other than its own illusions?
I am familiar with one pair, where the situation is “on the verge of divorce” is repeated already in the third round. From time to time the husband goes to the “spree” and is temporarily living away from home. First wife was crying, and then change the locks and files for divorce. After some time the husband comes with a bouquet and begs for forgiveness. Behaves like a young lover, waiting at the door, gives expensive gifts – diamonds and machines. Elena forgives him, and a few years later he goes to the next adventure.
She makes herself by plastic surgery longing, goes to the fortune-tellers and psychics to understand – what’s the problem? And the problem is that even the most precious gift – an attempt to buy off guilt, and not a sign of change. And even on the contrary: the husband acts the old tried and tested pattern, not seeing the need to change their behavior radically. And why, if everything is working perfectly?
Even the most sincere welcome and a promise – “I quit drinking!”, “I’ll never look at another woman!” “I did not raise my hand on you or the kids!” – This is just words. A word – it’s just a goal. Base the future based on them – the same thing that settle in the house, painted on a paper. It is necessary that at first he was incarnated in reality.
What actions can serve as a reinforcement of words? For example, if you offer to go together to a family psychologist. Or if the man himself is recorded to a psychologist / she refers to the confessor in order to solve their problems. If it is the first day (and not next Monday!) Begins to behave differently, and you will feel these changes. If a person fulfills the obligations, changes relevant to the child starts to apologize for those things that are unpleasant to you.
Any promises only make sense if there is a specific time frame for them. If you give the relationship another chance – mark the time boundary of this chance. For example, check the calendar six months – as a point of no return, the day when you make the final decision. Otherwise, all this can turn into a long-playing story: “I’ll start a new life next Monday.” How many more are you willing to wait?
the second problem. Autoaggression. “It is my fault!”
One of the most painful and long-running feelings, which often covers his head after a divorce – is a sense of guilt. Pass weeks and months, you are looking for hard their mistakes, and of course they are, because – well, who among us does not make mistakes? And now begins the mental dance on the coals of the questions – “if I had checked herself and did not express him all that boiling?”, “If I just slapped a similar appeal to me …” “If I myself more respected …” And the inability to return to the past becomes as painful as daily migraines.
Of course, to deny its responsibility is not necessary, and analyze their mistakes, in general, useful, hard to argue. But if you face the truth, then who among us during the emotional intensity is able to engage in sober “analysis”? As a rule, during this period attempts reflection turns only in fierce self-flagellation. And besides invisible scars on the soul, benefit from it a little bit.
Guilt – it does not work on the bugs. Moreover, sometimes it just takes us from the real and constructive reflection, as it becomes a kind of substitute for it. Guilt – a kind of redemptive meal that satisfies our conscience: we also suffer enough, so then you can do nothing. Of course, this is not a conscious decision, and trap the subconscious. But to get into it quite easily, if you stay with the guilt alone.
Just so their responsibility analysis is done with the help of specialists, or at least independent helpers: open-minded friends (if any), psychologists, coachers, confessors. Those whose opinions you respect. And it should be just the analysis and the analysis of the situation and not attempt to justify or blame anyone, including yourself.
In addition, even if you find some of his actions, which contributed to the collapse of the relationship, you should remember about the other side. Each person is responsible, first and foremost, for themselves. Yes, a man, especially if his feelings are hurt, can shift the blame on the shoulders of women (we are no better, by the way!).
– You provoked me! I did not want, but you …
– If you were not such a …
– If you…
No. All this is not an excuse any treachery or ill-treatment, do not neglect. Dot.
Attempts to take full responsibility for the problems themselves – a kind of protective reaction of the psyche, which is called introjection. This reaction is typical, for example, for very young children, where self-centered consciousness. They see themselves as the center of the universe, and accordingly, and the cause of all disasters. When eighteen months the child closes his eyes, he said, that the world is immersed in darkness. When my mother dvuhletki angry, he considers himself to the cause of this anger – regardless of what actually caused her emotions. The same reaction we give two-year, when the pin all the blame for the marriage collapsed on his shoulders. In fact, it is exactly the same infantilism, as a complete abdication of responsibility.
But autoaggression as any aggression – it’s genie trapped in a bottle: a powerful energy, which requires the release. If you do not give her a splash, she somehow start the process of self-destruction as a psyche, and probably. body – through psychosomatic mechanisms. But “out” does not necessarily mean imposing the penance. Optimally – to direct this energy to the search for constructive solutions. Move the focus of your consciousness with the thought, “Why?” And “How could I ?!” to the question – “Why?”. What is important for me to understand in this situation? What a life lesson I’m going through? For example, it’s time to realize that if you are constantly forgive spouse infidelity and physical abuse, it is – the indulgence of his weaknesses, which leads to the corruption of man.
Interaction with autoaggression like our relations with any other negative emotion. It can become a brake on our movement, and catalyst. In order to use it as an incentive, we can draw their own conclusions / solutions in the form of a vow or a promise to herself .
– I will never again deal with a so … (because you can not violate human boundaries, to humiliate him, to insult).
– I will not keep silent about their desires and feelings … (I learn to eco-friendly and well talk about their feelings, will enhance its culture of dialogue).
– I will not tolerate indifference … (In my heart of love lives, and I’ll see that it only grows).
And your autoaggression can speak just a good emotional anchor-fixer for this kind of promise.
Fear of the future. “What if I stay forever alone?”
He can not even pronounce these words, but they will be read in an ironic grin, or pejorative view, or the persuasive intonations.
– Who do you want this ?!
And then willy-nilly start to think: “But, really, who?” In her something … thirty, thirty-five, forty years. With the first wrinkles and gray hair (shaded, but still!). And often even with a child.
Lonely woman in our society, and without feeling the disgustingly intrusive social pressure, especially after thirty. This problem – a consequence of one of the most popular social myths. According to the value system of the society a woman is always in the waiting position. I mean, men walk on the fair brides, and women modestly stand aside, “handkerchiefs hands tugging”. In this sense, a happy relationship is really perceived as an accident or a charism.
But in fact, the reality has changed for a long time. A woman with a sense of dignity and an active lifestyle is possible to create a new relationship and a new family at any age. Today is full of opportunities to socialize with the opposite sex: all kinds of hobbies, sports, joint campaigns, common friends, dating sites.
And talk about what normal men after tridatsati do but it is nothing more than stories elderly neighbors out of the house during your childhood. Firstly, many people, early married, just divorced after tridatsati (sad, but true!). And often it is the collapse of his first marriage becomes a powerful lesson, after which the man and woman are aware of their mistakes in a relationship.
In addition, the age limit of marriages increased gradually. And quite a lot of men are choosing a new lifestyle, a career first, then – the family. Only my close circle of two women married after thirty years for women, who have never been married. One of them at that time was 33, and the other – 36. And these were not “mama’s boy” or another example of infantile boys in the spirit of Eugene Lukyanov. No, one of them – the written handsome, clever, athletic, well-read young man. Simply expressed introvert with very narrow circle of contacts. Another – a joker and humorist, who had 35 years of life most of the time dedicated business and therefore did not feel ready for the family. And I know a lot of men in the region of thirty who were not yet married.
But the problem is that the fear of loneliness is largely irrational. Even watching around a lot of examples of happy marriages later, we can be difficult to get rid of it. Especially if it is attached to the wounded dignity of women, youth injuries, self-doubt. With the study of these things difficult to handle without specialist. But you quite able to gradually shift the emphasis in the perception of yourself and the situation.
Once upon a time in a long period of loneliness I spoke on this topic with his psychologist. And I decided to finally announce a very painful and shameful, I thought recognition.
I have a feeling that without a man I like is not quite complete. How sick or crippled.
I then perceived loneliness is a kind of inferiority, which need to hide, disguise and quickly corrected. But the psychologist told me a very wise thing.
– Why do not you reconsider? It may not be flawed, but by design. Your current situation is very particular on a number of parameters. It gives you endless possibilities how to work on them, and the search for a partner. You have to come now travel!
Much later I watched the short film “The Circus of butterflies.” And there I again heard such a dialogue. The owner of the circus, without talking with disabled hands and feet nailed to the troupe. It motivates him to become an artist, and gives the example of other circus performers, who also passed the hard way, being originally the dregs of society, outcasts and marginalized.
– But I’m different from them! – Will helplessly says, alluding to the lack of limbs.
– Yes! And this is your advantage! – Meets the circus owner.
For me it was the most powerful moments of the film. The absence of arms and legs can be regarded as damage, and can – as an advantage. What, for example, well proven not only the hero of the film, but also played his man – Nick Vujicic, a well-known lecturer, author of several best-selling books and a happy family man.
His loneliness can be perceived as a problem and flawed, and can – as an advantage and an opportunity.
Departing from a failed marriage, you agree to take a chance to get another chance at happiness. These changes can be regarded as a painful test: abyss – not break through, will survive – will not survive. And it is possible – as a complex, but one of the most exciting adventures of your life. Or – if you close this comparison – as a pilgrimage.
This, incidentally, is very close analogy. Any pilgrimage is associated with overcoming the weaknesses and fears, difficulties and risks, with the rejection of all superfluous and this search. Here the same thing – as you begin a pilgrimage to one of the most holy purposes, which can be in this life. To his mind, to his real feelings, to true happiness. I would say – to the true love that includes mutual respect and trust and thanks to which we have a chance to find true spiritual freedom. Because – what else?
And a few important things to remember
Grieving after the divorce – this is normal.
Do not suppress his resentment, pain or bitterness. Do not hold back the tears. Divorce – it’s hard to shock, grief, trouble, and need to give yourself time to adapt. Year – this is a normal life in order to recover. During this period better not to start any serious relationship: psyche, as a rule, it is not ready yet. It is better to pause to think about themselves, their interests, their values. Take this time to repair itself.
Trying to be objective is not necessary.
The fact that the first phase of an effort to be objective often become emotional suppression. You are filled with bitterness, and loud you argue that, on the whole, is “he is not guilty, it just happened.” Do not. The objective we will later, when the time will pass. Then it will be possible to analyze the behavior – both his own, and his wife, to draw conclusions. At first, allow yourself to be yourself.
The transition period – this is so stressful. Do not aggravate his struggle with his feelings. If you cut yourself with a knife, you experience pain and express it – screaming, irritation, tears. Yes, you know that the knife is not to blame, but the emotion is. Let it pass. And then you still have time for reflection and objectivity.
Seek the help of a psychologist – this is normal.
Do not neglect the psychological help, if you feel you are not coping with emotions, guilt, resentment. Divorce – it’s not a joke, it’s a real disaster. If you feel that your strength is running out, no need to pretend that everything is fine and in fact you are not wounded deeply into the heart of what your – light! right! a human being and as a woman is very clear! – Dreams of “living together happily ever after” is not true.
I wish to advice from this article, you do not ever come in handy. Strong family relationships and you most happy marriage!