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Following the publication on our website, “the article I had a miscarriage ,” the editorial office came a short, but full of pain and hope of a letter from a reader. With her permission we publish it here.

There is pain, which is not to say. I lost Reb e nka. He was not yet two weeks. Just a few drops of blood … The pain that you hide behind a smile on duty. The pain, which is not delishsya not to become esch e painful. The pain that scares its size. The pain pushed entirely e deeper, because you have to pull yourself together. Pain that pressure turns into despair beznad e zhnosti, anger, fear. The pain, which, like a rotten apple, poisons nearby feelings. Pain that does not have the right to be, because life goes on … My life. Not his. And I have not even left his name …

At some point the pain flowed over the edge. I could no longer hold e e . It flowed with tears and despair, guilt flowed. She screamed about its e m existence of the pillow, wailing through the clamped mouth palm izlamyvala Voltage e Goes body, straining every nerve, but retreated … The pain does not go away with tears, but sobs bring relief. I continue to live, albeit with a hole in the heart. But in the same heart there is a place for the whole world. I feel the warmth of the sun, hear the wind song, laugh and sincerely believe in good. Though my pain with me.

No matter how many weeks was your Reb enku – let yourself seq ezy. After all, you – the mother who lost Reb e nka. Let the pain be a part of your life, but do not let it become your life.

Elena Bird

How to survive such a loss? Is this even possible? We were asked to say a few words about this priest and poet Sergiy Kruglov .

Often severe moments of doubt, sadness, sorrows are looking for the support of the saints. I leafed through the book, which contains letters and mothers diaries Teresa name and deed of mercy which are known to millions, and met there evidence of the impenetrable darkness of abandonment by God, through which Mother Teresa for years bore his cross of serving the people, the evidence of another grave her feat, domestic, the unseen world, but familiar to many a saint … I remembered her words, she said, on the day of the death of Princess Diana, mother Teresa who considered his spiritual mentor, “Sometimes I do not understand God.”

So sometimes I do not understand God … I can not understand, find a rational, theologically well-founded answer to the question why it is not clear how life and death of a person, why some, before they reach the age mafusailovyh already and the hardships of life, full of senility or serious illnesses, and ask God for death, but life they continued to drag on, and others who would like to live yes to live, die in the flourishing age? Why, for example, died in the womb of my mother the little man, are not stretched and ten weeks – of the mother, who wanted him so, so loved and waited in advance. What kind of life is so short, what is its meaning?

– Father, I have lost him at a very early stage of …

– Him?

– Yes. I’m sure it was a boy, my son, my husband and I already picked his name … We both wanted it! And the health of your monitored carefully, and prayed for a child … And then again – pain, bleeding, and all … For what? Why should I? Can you explain?

– No I can not. Yes, apparently, this question – “what” – and there is no answer …

– And how is it, “no answer” … I have not been able to recover. Neither eat nor sleep, nor could not live. My husband persuaded: it is necessary to God, it is necessary to the temple. Was I in different temples, the monastery went – such answers had heard … That’s for sins. It is for the sins of your ancestors … For what sins ?! And why for someone’s sins must pay the life of an innocent child ?! It is that God is in us such that he wants blood sacrifice? Or again: the will of God. It is that God first gave life. And then PPase – changed his mind and took back? One more angel decided to do a little of it in the sky? I do not believe that God can do that, he’s our father! Forgive me if I say blasphemous, but am I not right?

– Of course you’re right. You know, all the people hastened to confidently give you the answers that they thought orthodox and pious … Why people are trying to quickly find a simple explanation of the hardest things that simply can not be explained? I think fear. Quickly explain something to fit in a simple framework of our everyday experience – and it becomes clear, nothing to worry about, and it is possible to live, pushing this “something” out of the heart and mind, not to pay more attention to him … And yet – from the lack of faith. Fear and lack of faith in fact related: do not believe in eternal life, in the reality of Christ, his resurrection, the resurrection of its own, and the fear of sorrows, sickness, persecution, the unpredictability of life, afraid of death … Here you have “explained” … Yes, but not only that you have caused new wounds on top of already existing mental. You told a lie. And you certainly feel it, and you can not calm down.

– Yes! That’s it! By this I do not believe the explanation – and I can not find the truth, and that is why I am suffering …

– You know, while looking for the truth until it hurts and vybalivaet your grief, and we must still do something. That is the question more urgent. Grieve, cry of a child – it is necessary. But it is necessary and continue to live. And the child – pray.

– I understand that it is necessary to pray … But then again, if you can? I asked a friend, she was for many years in the Church and knows everything, she says to pray about it can not be because he is unbaptized and all unbaptized inevitably go to hell … And the candle box in one temple told me unbaptized – means note on a memorial service for him can not serve. And another friend, she is not a believer, but we have long been friends, at school yet, so tried to console me: “What are you all crying! In this period the embryo and of the soul, no, he is not a man yet! Well, all this is just physiology … “. What is an embryo, it killed my son, I know! Father, I’m confused …

– Well, if you can not write in the notes – and then do not write. Benefits and comfort your child will be, if you pray about it themselves. You’re a Christian, part of the Church? That, and pray. And it will be – the prayer of the Church … How much have faith, so much, and pray to God. And not to “beg” the child what his “begging”, he did not have time to sin and fall away from God, and the Lord knows all, He loves your child not less than you. Remember just how able and pray about yourself, about strengthening your wounded soul with grief for the husband, he was in fact too hard about their neighbors … Pray at home, in your own words, or, if you find a suitable church prayer. And in the temple is not forbidden to pray – it is better to myself, so once again not to embarrass others, not cause them the tempting desire to give you advice so … Stay teachings. Sooner or later you will meet again with him, eternal life began in our long-suffering of earthly life, death – is also part of it, but life is never end, it is an integral part of our Christian faith with you. And at this meeting, you will already know what to say to his little son and ask him that, when your life is a big part is over, when, with the help of God, will understand much in it …

… In all that I have said, I myself am convinced. I do not know what happened to this woman further, just know that prayer – is an active action, movement. And the movement – that’s life, it helps to get out of the cocoon tsepenyaschego his grief. And God always answers prayer, in such situations, somehow in a special way become convinced that he – really close …

But I do all of these questions continue to look for an answer – and I continue to not find. Except that one answer – but it is not taken as a quote from the catechism or theology textbook …

“Sometimes I do not understand God ‘…

But God understands me.

And he said something like this:

“Why is the life of the little man was so short, some sense in it? And what’s the point in life? He is, and you know it, do not mind, and the heart, and I know that you know. Brevity is it and blood – from evil and death, which is impregnated with a fallen world. I came into this world to save him from this evil. And with me it was the same thing with this child – look at the cross. ”

I look. And I understand all without words.

“I could not do it, do not enter into the death. But I love you all, and could not go. And I have conquered death. And his and yours. Do you believe in that?”

Yes, Lord.

I believe.

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief Himself.

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