On his sixteenth birthday, my nephew said that he would never, ever marry. For no reason. For women of all evil and trouble in the world, and spend his young life on whimsical fifochek he did not intend. Maybe old age, thirty years more and you might think, but not in his youth. And without it, life is beautiful and amazing. Again, the children will go. Snotty and always screaming, and he had had enough, and her brother, whom he teteshkal 14 years. Come on, have suffered. My sister and neighing at him and made a bet on a case of champagne that marries Acne exactly after the army (village lad all go to the army, so it is got here).

We spent it in the army, my mother cried, as usual, but the time flew by quickly, the whole year are now.

Call. Hello, hello, how are you all alive and well, the son came back …

– Len, that voice?

– Vitalka zhenitsyaaaaaa Yyyyyy … …

And howl in the tube as for the dead.

– Do not you whim, normally explain it is that the director of your club for a wife takes? (Which they Shipka hero of the Battle of Poltava and how old she is – no one knows, and you can only navigate on the orders).

– Nooo, it is of Maymyyy … Menshikov, come, come, please! I myself can not do it with them!

What my sister, incredible endurance woman, absolutely generous to any emotion, called for Far Far Away land to solve marital issues made me think for five minutes, and ten I aviaseyly wool in search of tickets Moscow – Gorno Altaisk. Without asking questions. Because if women like Lena, start crying, it means really matter seams.

The ticket was found quickly enough, and a heavenly horse morning brought me to land of their ancestors to the next day for lunch. This hurried by me, no one was waiting for me in a hurry, too, no one called, so the guests from Moscow nobody met. A ride quickly domchalis me on a deserted winter Chuysk to Munov.

At the trot, I slipped past the bakery, the church, broke into the house. Silence … Nothing. Sister school, a nephew also at work. Without undressing, Bach in a chair, pull the legs … Silence … Outside the window, swaying pine and cedar trees, mountains in the snow prop bright sunny sky. Silence…

– Who is there! – A sharp cry from the hallway.

The room comes untidy babischa forty-five. Loosely-prostokvashnaya face – pan meter and a half, the tenacious little evil little eyes gleamed. (Swat, see, Welcome, rushes into my head, already occupied house rodstvennichki).

– Hello. Ulyana, sister Lena.

– What are you without warning, we have not waited for me to anybody about you do not say! – Comes babischa unkempt.

– Did you, in fact, who, aunt, that I warned you?

– Irina myself, my wife Vitalik!

– Who?

– Wife! Vitalik! And who are you, and what is there in the midst of the house clave boots ?!

Then I realize that even second – and exactly like a sister, I’ll start howling puppy quiet weeping. O Lord! For what? As it so happened that the first handsome man in the village, the sadness of all the local girls, chose this bucket of brew? A bucket razduharilsya, and their feet, giants, comes, the answer requires at me like I’m so-and-so has dared to come into the house without her blessing.

Slams the front door and into the house, somehow not businesslike, sideways, shuffling, includes sister.

– Ira, Ira, calm down – babbles sister – She is my sister, her vacation, she came to visit.

– Why did not you warn me, huh? – Tank barrel is set in the side of her sister.

I sit speechless as Zacharias. Saints! What deetsya here? My Sister, threatening the school head teacher, Kosonogov bird jumps near that grenadier in plush robes and trying to justify my visit to her own private home. Look, my stomach is moved to the lush “Vitalik wife,” and in the twisted brain cramp begin to leak some thoughts.

(Opa! Grenadier something, apparently, already, in the position. Judging by the size teddy abdomen, months, six or seven. My God, when I have time, then? Vitalka Well month as from the army returned … Or maybe it to it went on a date? .. But what it there, bromine porridge enough sleep, or what? ..).

Meanwhile tetya- “wife Vitalik” pushed my sister out into the corridor and, judging by the noise support, tortured her there through poker.

– What are the guests ?! Today, my mother should come tomorrow father, we all have to solve their family! Who called her ?! Who?! You?! Let goes home! We need her, her family all solve the case!

(Hehe, I’m scared, you see, brew some stuffed something like it mangles ish).

I go out into the corridor, pull out of the poker sister, do very peaceful face towards teddy monster and offer all participants an unforgettable meeting, a cup of tea.

– Tea, no! – Chop sweet “daughter in law” and is removed in the bedchamber.

– Len, and you still have not written here, by any chance? Let’s go take a walk on the river bank, our family business poreshat.

Come on. Scourge the cliff, white light can not see. I rage I can not even talk.

– Tell me where it is a miracle overseas to you was …

– Uhl, who is also from the army came with it. It it to Miami at the junction met already with a suitcase and came together. I vstrechiny prepared, his friends all gathered, girls … Well His whole village waited for the return, rejoiced. Immediately the house was decorated like a good wedding, Dima called with an accordion, a guitar … I dragged two bags of dumplings Nalepa, pig bought a barbecue, pickles clocked as he likes, waiting-waiting for son. Sunset. He told me: “Mom, meet, this is Ira.” I looked at her like, then my heart and went. Then he remembered how in-law did not love me all my life, pulled herself together, I think – a person not to drink the water, maybe it is people peace, good. Your mouth on the lock shut, cried in the closet for five minutes, and where to go? He grew up the son, chose not asked me, and I did not ask for when Slava met. I went into the house, and there is no one – neither the boys nor girls. They sit together at the table Vitalka Ira and all. All as the wind blew. I ask, and where, they say, guests? Il me: “Everything ran away, Acne is now a family man, not to the guests necha supposedly do, stomp the floor! I sent them home. ” I looked at his son – he sits as the paddle hit or two or a half. I waved to them hand and foot and to Catez paramedic with dumplings and pig went. Mark vstrechiny. And since that day we have all that. He walks like a frozen. Neither friends nor companions, God forbid, if someone from classmates, even married, call – cry scandal, nearly stabbing. Sit as owls, home, she did not go anywhere. He eats so sleep … Not pricheshet or outfit. Pullets … I asked him: do you like it? He was silent, his head down. I do not know I do not understand anything …

– Mother … Are you crazy, or what? You debelen grass-drugged? Bathtub with this test has fallen a couple of times on you? Let him at least for its bozhnichku sits down, you’re out here with? What happened to you? Or do it too strange love loved? You’re the one to whom look like? In his home as a lodger living? So … tell me more – she’s pregnant?

– I do not know…

– Parents who?

– I do not know…

– Yes, you are sure everything is set off the mind, and you’re in the first place! She opoila than you?

Then Lena began to shake and cry coward small, I hugged her and five minutes later found himself not less shaking and crying.

Shaking and crying on a cliff I do not like it. Meetings with relatives, I prefer to spend over a richly covered with fatty foods and strong rural drinks table, but not at a hundred evil winds blown rock steeper.

– Good moaning, Linen, went into the house. Now I have this Jane Eyre will eviscerate as Beowulf, Grendel’s mama, protect Heorot from the accursed monster. Nechay here … Reign.

– Ulechka, so you do not hurt her, please, what if he really loves her and – continues to whine Lena.

– Yes, let it at least mangy dog from the gateway loves. Just do not stay at your house and you are not to the detriment of. Come on. It’s cold here, I was cold and hungry as a bear fight. Or are we here and spend the night?

– Let’s go slowly, of course, but you do it … Not much lyutuy, okay?

– We will see.

And we went, like Jonah in the belly of whales. Through the power, but with the hope of a speedy deliverance.

It was dark, and on the way home a couple of times, we are well hryasnulis ground, slipping on rocks and roots.

– Well at a party – I grunted, getting up after a fall – mentally. That way, in five years, we did not sit in the house, for the bath will sharpen fritters or a cliff, in a tent. Today this harpy mother arrives? Look, we still will not be allowed to sleep, naming rodstvennichki. Len, and they are already married, or what?

– No.

– And what she Lyada wife navelichivaet yourself?

– I do not know – rustles sister.

– Ho-ho, baby, so it is fundamentally changing the business – in alabaevski I have barked and young Mustang pogartsevala toward the gate.

– Ulya! Ulya! Only without manhandling, I beg you!

– How God willing, no wheezing arm. And then you get divorced here almshouse, a shelter for the elderly pious pilgrims.

We had time to go in three hours to become someone else’s house, nevestushka our already sitting at a table, intently destroys loaf of hot bread, drink milk from a jar.

– Well, my dear daughter in law, swords dinner on the table, the relatives went hungry.

– And who napriglashal guests, and let him cook. I did not expect my mother’s not coming, but the more I did not call anybody.

– Uhl, but we are with you do, quickly-skorenko all prepare. Ira, go and have a rest.

Here I was quite serious about magical little thing thought. The character of Lena is such that the nose of the dog on the other side of the road run across when they met, and here … Wonders of the wild forest.

While preparing dinner, nephew to work granted. I unfold it with the threshold, unfed, bride not caressed, deduce the yard.

– My golden child, tell her aunt, as a spirit that does it all mean? What Kriemhild settled in the house? From what rotten swamp you pulled this miracle?

Silent, plays nodules.

– You are a person here does not shake me. Words available, words can explain to me, as I did not take an ax and chopped your family happiness in splinters.


– Good. Tell me, son, you love her? You live with it seriously and gathered in sorrow and in joy to the pyre? If so – not hurt, but hurt the mother will not give, and know.

– I gave the word.

– Who?

– Her. Irina.

– What’s the word, do not pull you, my God!

– The word given that marry. I can not break the word. I can not.

– Do you love her? You tell me just that. With your vows, we then understand, Hussar.

– I gave the word. All. The word man – the law. Dal – do. He Said – marry, then marry. Love has nothing to do with it.

Then the old man and sat down.

How to split any man, even if he and all of a Orpheus, Eurydice suffering for? The recipe is simple and for centuries was used for different purposes. On-by-it.

I do not know a more effective recipe, so wise not to become. The tempo allegro vivache we sister have thrown on the table the most zhirnenky pet snacks, Navarro left over from the failed “vstrechin” ravioli with maralyatinoy, darted into the cellar for gribtsami-cucumbers, fished out of the refrigerator a couple of salted grayling, I bird Gamayun flew to the village shop for the most delicious vodka (three on zero seven, one on the table and two in the freezer), crossed themselves, read three times in the “our Father”, “Let God arise” intelligent and knocked on the door of the bedroom, where the young were sitting suspiciously quiet.

– What, Mom?

– The kids, go out for dinner will.

– We do not want (from the door).

– Vital, well, ugly, so my aunt came, let’s sit down, not like human beings as well.

(Outside the door whispering. We hear sounds of a struggle).

About two minutes later the kitchen comes disheveled nephew.

– I will not drink. I surf a little bit with you. Ira headache.

And we have two piles namahnuli with her sister, relaxed.

– Too early …

– What’s a bit early, aunts Uhl?

– Too early, I say at your not frightened nymph’s head starts to hurt. You have not been in a registry office. Take her dipyrone, and he sit with us a hundred grams for the meeting. I offended.

Vitalka furtive glances at the door, waving his hand, sits at the table, pouring tea into a mug of vodka, drinks quick.

– Do you drink?! You drink ?! Without me?! We agreed that you can only drink with me! You gave the floor! Why are breaking ?! – In the doorway fiercely sways plush bathrobes.

(Lord, this fool go and also under all the blood oaths subscribed).

– Er, foolishness do not toil, eh? Sit down at the table and let us, as you say, in a family sit. Once you have decided to combine legal marriage, the family has obtained general, relatives did not throw off the accounts. We know him a little longer and your not going to give up. Sit down, have a drink with us, relax, let’s not beat.

On-pan face appear and disappear mounds. Thinks. After a couple of minutes walk firm rushes to the table and sits down.

– Come on, Il, for familiarity, for the meeting – I pour with the tender expression on his face. – How to you by my father?

– Losifovna …

– Um … Ira, we now have a nice opportunity to convert to Judaism and emigrate as a family in Izgail? – I try to make jokes.

– Kudaaaa ?!

– All-all, the question is removed.

Quickly pour all present, clink glasses, eating.

– Ira, and how old you are, do not consider to be rude?

– What? – Nabychivaetsya Ira. – What’s the difference how old I am?

– Twenty-three aunts Uhl, four years older than me. Total…

(Rumble dropped jaws. Lenka something, too, it appears, was not aware of).

And then to me this Irku humanly felt sorry. Well this is what kind of life a person had, or his life was so that the flowering twenty-three she looks at the worst of all possible forty-five? I mentally start to figure out how we pohudeem, tonsured new’ll celebrate his eyebrows, and maybe nothing will recover once? I beheld, and his sister under the frontal bone of the same thought moves. We drunk – compassionate, a family. On the move the person look at the bulging puztso bride slam another ryumashku.

– Er, life-then you what?

– Second – it swings another glass.

Pressure fungus. Whoever immediately pasted expression of four Jewish mothers. I looked at her sister, she either did not hear or did not understand, she has a face like the face.

Then Irku suffered. Rattling one fist on the table, the second throwing his mouth alternately glass and dumplings, UNIC began broadcasting on our enduring family values and how she teaches us the value of love. I truly enjoyed this stream of consciousness formed by the TV program “Dom-2”, partly Domostroi and a third magazine “Watchtower”.

Everything was simple, and difficult at the same time. In short, it all boiled down to a few points:

The husband should give her all that matters. Put on the altar of the house of love, car, savings account parents.
The husband does not have friends, friends, relatives. Exception – his mother, she has to babysit grandchildren and give their salaries and pensions for their maintenance.
There were no guests and no one to visit. Nothing to hang around.
Distant relatives have the right only to send remittances and parcels with presents, not hang out here away for free. We found the resort. We arrived – at the rate of pay.
And in general all pay. Because I’m such a great all come to you.
A woman should not work. Dot. Because she gave the best years of life, waiting for your son, nephew of the army.
Between points Ira deftly, like a man throws his glasses through time zanyuhivaya head Vitalik.

– And tell me, princess the fair (a wild creature of the wild forest!), Where Ma will put, if the house you will pay, and what for you is listed dowry except a robe?

– Aunts Lena let us live, a big house, then on the spot sarayki where gestating pig lived, we will build a house for tourists, warm, there can be, whether it should be a lot of places. And we have a family. And my robe and except something there. Not an orphan. And my dowry – none of your business. We ourselves, as a family to discuss, without extraneous.

And I suddenly realize that a bucket with a brew was not joking and mocking. It is quite seriously in his doctrine that believes.

I looked at Lena, which is more than twenty years of Ridicule in-law, and then there was not a phantom perspective as the daughter starts to spread rot no less translate a look at a completely suppressed and oppressed by this prostokvashnym velociraptor start Vitalik and quietly become brutalized. But sitting silently, anger pours. Only adds to all, if only his hands were busy, so home stabbing was not the end. Fiona Maiminsky, ish, in a house without mirrors, but the TV was brought up … I see. One thing led to respect, because it is absolutely uncomplicated Irkin confidence that she is worthy of all this. Worthy! Axios!

Napo I all to wonder, divorced ladies on Boudoir, and nephew of the Adam’s apple dragged into the bath.

– Sit down. Tell me. Everything from start to finish. As it is. Without his sayings, about “the word given.” In detail.

(Then the story is told from the victim’s word).

– We met internet, chatting, her photo was very funny. Then he moved to the PM, she sent me another picture. I saw and fell in love, she is very beautiful they were. They began to talk almost every day. Then she was gone, almost two months, I am very worried, wrote to her every day, she did not answer. And then he answered, said she was sick, lying in the hospital, in intensive care, she could not answer (yeah-yeah, Ira done, the correct course – author’s note.). Well, all I’m writing to her – she sends me pictures, beautiful. Even before Dembele ask her: “Will you come to meet me?”. She told me: “No, do not come. I changed a lot from illness, fear that razonravlyus you. ” (Great idea! Transplants Full torso and head, it is no Bollywood has not yet invented. Five plus, Ira, bring zachetku!). And I told her that I do not care, I love her, and together we will solve all the problems. (Durachochek you my honest, that’s what life-giving imprisonment with the men do!). And she asked me to promise that I would marry her. I gave … And when I saw the first bit scared, and then I think – who needs such a sick, ugly? Pity was, that’s all. Well, the word is given, as it is now?

– Answer me one question, and go to sleep. Do you love her? If you love, live as you like, but not the mother. Remove the house, dig a dugout, a hut on the bank, build, on this mother fun I will not let you think of Cthulhu, bones lie, but not the ladies, mind you.

– No I do not like. It is a pity just the word …

– All, go to sleep, tomorrow will understand this transplantology. You’re a fool, what a fool you are.

In the morning, another eight were not, I hung the phone and to the south found that “seriously ill” citizeness Irina N. losifovna, twenty-eight years of age (and here nabrehala, an infection!) Has a history of two previous convictions for theft and fraud.

Our conversation with Irina Iosifovna was brief. Muna is not Moscow, of course, but here the crocodile tears do not believe. I helped her pack plush bathrobe in a bag and put on a twelve-hour bus to the wishes Maima never me more eyes to keep out. After the departure of Irina Joseph ‘was found missing a gold chain and a pair of rings, but to celebrate, we decided that we meet, even in the courtroom, we no longer wish to “nevestushkoy”. Morok slept, and finally to remove the spell, we called a full house of guests (vstrechiny is not held, you remember!), The rest drank vodka, drank a new, ten times drove up to the store, eaten dumplings and grayling. Bayan this time not broken, that is strange.

Half a year later. Early summer. June.


– Ula, hello! How are you? In Moscow, even ?! Departing immediately, Vitalka married !!!

But that’s another story …