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Many people have a sense of his life is called love. Most of us want to love and be loved, but not all and not always succeed. Why is this problem often turns out to be complicated? Why do not people find love, and why did they lose it? We were asked to comment psychologist, philosopher and priest – people whose profession involves the closest familiarity with the inner world of man.

What prevents us to loveSvetlana Mardoyan, psychotherapist, existential analyst :

To try to answer this question, we try to describe what is love.

F. Dostoevsky wrote: “Love – is to see man as God intended it.” You can add, that love – is the most intense form of closeness. This state is the highest confidence, the desire to be together in time and space, with shared values and implement them rejoice; respect the other in his individuality and uniqueness and to receive the same. This is an amazing state of happiness, which wants to continue and fruits. And of course, chemistry …. Love – is the care and attention, the desire to give all of himself.

What prevents us to love? Give without expecting return? It is a question of what the state gives to another person, if this is due to the state of the internal heat deficit and love, all his expressions of love are intended to gain for himself what he gives, but many times more. This is manifested in the fact that people constantly compares how much he received from a partner compared to give back, he thinks of something, he loses his prejudice is not enough appreciated and loved. There are expectations, claims and grievances.

A big obstacle for love is the fact that many people have difficulty with the ability to experience feelings. In our time, priority is given to cognition (mind, intellect) and very little attention is paid to the feeling. People accustomed to live only by reason, paying less attention to the feelings. As a result, feelings are muffled sound in the man, and the ability to love is blunted, because love – is, first of all, feeling.

Loving, respecting and appreciating your partner, without trying to alter it, without expectations and claims, perhaps because of the state of fullness and surplus (excess) when delishsya the fact that you have – the warmth, closeness, concern and love just because you yourself it is filled. This state, which we call personal maturity.
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Ruben H. Apresyan, Ph.D., professor, head of the Ethics Institute of Philosophy :

The question “What prevents us to love?” Inertia restrains interference considerations of love, suggesting that love and loving prevents something outside. The proposed discussion item hear another: chtó in ourselves prevents us to love? The word “prevent” arbitrary. For them – and “that destroys love?”, And “that hinders love?” And “what does not love be?”. All these questions about the noise of love in ourselves. We ourselves, and stop yourself from loving.

Famous ancient idea of love – eros, philia, agape – convey its essence together. Eros – a relationship of sensual desire and passionate enjoyment. Filia – friendliness friendly relations and mutual goodwill. Agape – attentive generosity and caring. It is not different types of love. Eros, philia and agape ancient thinkers discussed as a special kind of spiritual and communicative experience, but not as a kind of something in common, called “love.” I think in those days and there was no such general concepts as “love”, surprisingly lag in the same way these different, although often intertwined, aspirations in human relations.

What unites sensual desire, affection, care, so that recognition of the other. The recognition of the other – as if worthy of my attention, need me or entailing I – the smallest, without which love is not there and does not continue. In recognition of the other appears therefore, without whom I feel inadequate to exist, meaningless, impossible.

Recognition – least of all a rational procedure. It happens in fact turning to another. We must turn away from him, to turn to another, to feel the other, admire, love, love.

The inability to feel another can be fatal – as a consequence of disturbances in one part of the brain is responsible for emotions, in particular, the ability of empathy to another – empathy. But more often this failure is the flip side of self-centeredness – emotional and cognitive deafness in relation to another. Failure to extinguish attention to themselves, to reduce the care-of-itself is the fact that “interferes in love” – is hampered not only take care of others, but also the mutual arrangement, and even delight in the sensual attraction.
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Ruben H. Apresyan, Ph.D., professor, head of the Ethics Institute of Philosophy :

The question “What prevents us to love?” Inertia restrains interference considerations of love, suggesting that love and loving prevents something outside. The proposed discussion item hear another: chtó in ourselves prevents us to love? The word “prevent” arbitrary. For them – and “that destroys love?”, And “that hinders love?” And “what does not love be?”. All these questions about the noise of love in ourselves. We ourselves, and stop yourself from loving.

Famous ancient idea of love – eros, philia, agape – convey its essence together. Eros – a relationship of sensual desire and passionate enjoyment. Filia – friendliness friendly relations and mutual goodwill. Agape – attentive generosity and caring. It is not different types of love. Eros, philia and agape ancient thinkers discussed as a special kind of spiritual and communicative experience, but not as a kind of something in common, called “love.” I think in those days and there was no such general concepts as “love”, surprisingly lag in the same way these different, although often intertwined, aspirations in human relations.

What unites sensual desire, affection, care, so that recognition of the other. The recognition of the other – as if worthy of my attention, need me or entailing I – the smallest, without which love is not there and does not continue. In recognition of the other appears therefore, without whom I feel inadequate to exist, meaningless, impossible.

Recognition – least of all a rational procedure. It happens in fact turning to another. We must turn away from him, to turn to another, to feel the other, admire, love, love.

The inability to feel another can be fatal – as a consequence of disturbances in one part of the brain is responsible for emotions, in particular, the ability of empathy to another – empathy. But more often this failure is the flip side of self-centeredness – emotional and cognitive deafness in relation to another. Failure to extinguish attention to themselves, to reduce the care-of-itself is the fact that “interferes in love” – is hampered not only take care of others, but also the mutual arrangement, and even delight in the sensual attraction.
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Father Alexis Uminsky, priest, rector of Holy Trinity in Khokhlov :

The reasons that prevent a person to love, do not lie in the external world. We are not talking about the absence of a man of some talent. We are talking about the deeper causes of the spiritual nature.

Love – it’s always a question of the content of the inner man. After all, we understand that not every attachment can be love. Not every expression of love, uttering words of love implies that love.

When a person says “I do”, he is referring to? For example, a person says, I love the motherland, I love the weather is nice, I love the sea, I love pasta, I love my mother, I love Masha. Agree, each time saying the word “love”, the person fills it completely different content. And very often people do not realize that they do not like. Because their relationship is determined by the other: attachment or consumption of one person by another.

In this regard, I am reminded of a passage from the book of CS Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, “in which the old devil Balamut teaches young imp Gnusika destroy people. In one of his letters of instruction, he argues as follows: Christ (which Balamut calls “enemies”) loves man, but let him go free. We, when we love, – says of himself that the devil – so dig in a man, so it is absorbed that nothing remains of it. “But you ask, I love you or not! I Love, like any tidbit, which I will add fat. ”

Too often, unfortunately, people want to love this way and to be loved in a different way. They want love, consuming, eating, assigning a person who is close by, but they want to be loved in a different way. They want them all shared, so they all open to let in their little corners in the deepest soul to trust them. To the one on whose love they expect, it was for them completely open, completely accessible, completely covered all their faults his gentleness and kindness.

The same applies to the parent-child relationship. It often happens that parents look at their child as an object of manipulation, and not as a subject, a person. Children are perceived as their own clones, which shall be supplied by the parent pride, to implement parental ambition, fit parent notions of right and good children.

Not always, but very often parents do not notice: who all their children? they hurt? that they are happy? to aspire to their soul? what their inclinations and abilities? Parents do not listen to children, try to use them, calling it love, care, dedication. And then outraged: “We gave you all the best! We hired you the best teachers, and put you in a better English school! Why are you such-and-so, do not we ?! sootvetstvuesh “.

A child does not want to. A child may need been a good friend. Catching butterflies. Fresh air in the suburbs. And do not give because it is unfashionable, unpopular, not cool.

The fact that children can enjoy their parents do not even have to talk. Parents sometimes can only exist as a feeder for the children.

That is why the word love requires very serious consideration: it is necessary to understand how the people themselves to articulate themselves as they look at what is love. Does not it, that wanting to feelings, we remain on the level of instincts?

If a person wants to revise his understanding of love, to make it deeper, I always recommend the same thing – read the Gospel. Read how closely as possible to look into the face of Christ, to hear His words, as far as possible to understand all of what Jesus says in this book. And through this to understand what love is talking about Christ and that Christ loves.

I believe that only through a person can truly learn to love – in imitation of Christ. Because God is love, and God – this is the love that is always open, the love that always gives himself, is not thinking of himself. This great apostle Paul writes in his 13th chapter of the Letter to the Corinthians: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes, always perseveres. Love never ends”. It seems to me these words of the Apostle Paul should be in school teaching. And every man should be as often as possible to read these words, and his love towards people, to relatives, to the distant, to friends, to enemies – these words all the time to check.

Ask: What then should be the love of self, if the Gospel says that loving gives itself, a divided? It lies in the fact that man can understand himself only in understanding their relationship with God. A person who does not connected with God, can not love yourself. More precisely, he can love himself, but this love is equal to narcissism and selfishness. To the love of self was not a manifestation of selfishness, a person must be a connection with God. If the love of God is not bound, it loses its meaningfulness.

If you understand that man – is the image and likeness of God, then it becomes clear what it means to love yourself, what dignity, which can not be lost, that person is obliged to protect – as his own and other people’s. Then it is clear what it means to the human person, because if a person – the image and likeness of God, the Lord Himself it display itself. Then it is clear that a person can currently see, appreciate, love – that which the Lord has put into it. And if a man – a highly developed creature that walked on two legs who uses human speech and modern means of communication, it is nothing at all can not be. In this case, a person can only be a function. And the function of converting others.

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