When the event of a problem in a relationship, we are used to look for a compromise. But is this method is effective? On why because compromises sometimes crumble strong relationships tell the teacher and aspiring writer Andrew Yakomaskin.


I’ve always liked a parable about the relationship.

– We did get in fights all the time … We can not be together, right?
– Do you like cherries?
– Yes.
– And you spit out the bones, when you eat it?
– Well yes.
– And in life. Learn to spit out the bones and simultaneously love cherries.

People often perceive the relationship apart from the obligations which are attached to them. They want to get the attention, affection and tenderness, but when a crisis strikes, prefer to step aside rather than solve the problem.

In 2010, Dr. James McNulty (James McNulty), one of the most renowned experts in the field of family psychology, completed a study devoted to the impact of problems in the relationship.

Ten years McNulty studied 82 couples in terms of their satisfaction with their marriage. By the end of the study couples were divided into two groups.

In the first group of pairs, not only is almost completely absent, domestic disputes, but there was a significant strengthening of the spiritual and emotional connection between people. And the second group of pairs of problems escalated into a systematic crisis, which constantly made itself felt, and in some cases even led to divorce.

The reason for the differences in the results lies in the answer to the question: “How do you solve problems?”

Couples in the second group answered: “If we quarrel, I immediately tried to find a compromise that would satisfy both.” A pair of the first group gave this answer: “When there was a problem, we tried to find the cause and fix it together, that’s more to her not to come back.”

In other words, in the first group of pairs of people have tried to understand that does not suit their partner and work together to overcome it. They worked together to solve the problem, sacrificing their own interests to each other.

In the second group of couples simply stated the fact of the quarrel, and then found the solution to her to hush. How nice to say, “We have come to a compromise,” On the one hand, this means that the output is found that is acceptable to both. On the other – that no one their beliefs and interests are not going to change. Unfortunately, long-term relationship can not be built on such terms.

We are ready to look for solutions to problems that arise in a relationship, but are not always willing to make sacrifices in order to translate this willingness into action.

In 2016 McNulty conducted a study in which 135 young couples completed questionnaires, which indicated their standards are married and share them with your partner. As a result, it was found that in couples where both partners were willing to continually raise the bar in a relationship while working on them, mutual respect and love just grew and strengthened.

This simple result once again proves that the relationship is not destroyed, it is necessary not only to recognize the problem and come to terms with it. Much more important is to constantly improve the standards and jointly decide what to do next. To achieve this, do not be afraid to talk about what they would like to change, and always be ready to listen to your soul mate.

Azerbaijani writer Elchin Safari said:

I know only one reason destroy the relationship, it is not associated with a stamp in the passport. Innuendo. It all starts with her.