This phenomenon has gained momentum in the last seven years. The whole generation of young people who “do not want anything.” No money, no career or personal life. They sit out for days at the computer, they are not interested in the girl (perhaps just a little bit, so as not to strain). They are not going to work. As a rule, they are satisfied with the life that is already there – the parental flat, a little money on cigarettes, beer. Not more. What’s wrong with them?
Sasha brought for consultation mom. Excellent 15-year-old man, the dream of every girl: sports, language is suspended, not rude, lively eyes, vocabulary not like Ellochka-ogress, plays tennis and guitar. The main complaint mom, just cry tortured soul: “Why he does not want anything ?!”
What do you mean “nothing”, I’m interested. Nothing at all? Or is it to eat, sleep, walk, play, watch a movie he wants to?
It turns out that Sasha does not want to do anything from the “normal” things for a teenager. I.e:
go to courses;
help my mother with the housework;
and even ride with his mother on holiday.
My mother in anguish and despair. He grew a hefty man, but much good from it – both from goat milk. Mom all my life for him, all just for his benefit, currently around refused, took any job, took me to clubs, to expensive clubs drove in language camps abroad sent – but first he sleeps till noon, and then turn on the computer and to the night rides in toys. She was hoping that it will grow and it will become easier!
I continue to ask. From whom is the family? Who makes money in it? Which one function?
It turns out that Sasha’s mom for a long time alone, divorced when he was five years old, “my father was the same sort of sluggard, maybe it is genetically passed?”. It works a lot of work, because it has to contain three (myself, my grandmother and Sasha), comes home for the night, tired to death. The house rests on the grandmother, she is engaged in farming, and Sasha followed. Only trouble is – Sasha really strayed from the hands, Grandma does not respond, not even snarls, just a deaf ear.
He goes to school, when he wants to, when you do not want – do not go. He faces an army, but it seems that it is not a bit worried. It does not make any effort to learn at least a little better, though all the teachers with one voice repeat, that his head was golden and the ability to eat. School of the elite, the state, with history. But that it be retained, it is necessary to take tutoring in core subjects. Still, a quarter of two, and can be deleted.
At home not doing anything at all, even for a cup of not pomoet grandmother with a cane forced to carry heavy bags of groceries from the store, and then the tray on his food to a computer is.
“Well, what’s wrong with him? – Already almost crying mother. – I gave him all my life! ”
As I see Sasha next time one. Indeed, a good boy, cute, fashionable and dressed expensively, but not provocatively. Some very good. What is he dead. The picture in a magazine for girls, glamor prince, even if the pimple was somewhere, I suppose.
With me holding a friendly, polite, his whole appearance shows an openness and willingness to cooperate. Ugh, I feel the character of the American series for teens: the protagonist at the reception of the psychoanalyst. I want to say something to the mat. Okay, remember, who’s a pro.
You will not believe it is almost word for word the text reproduces my mother! 15-year-old said as the school teacher: “I am lazy. My laziness prevents me to achieve goals. And I’m very unassembled, can stare at one spot and sit as an hour. ”
And he-what you want?
Nothing special wants. The school is boring, stupid lessons, although the teacher class, the best. Friends close there, the girls are not. There is no plan.
That is, he is not going to bring happiness to humanity in 1539 by any of the methods known to civilization, he has no plans to become a megastar, he does not need wealth, career and achievements. He does not need anything. Thank you, we all have.
Slowly begins to emerge the picture, I will not say that is very unexpected for me.
Since about three years Sasha was engaged. First, preparation for school, swimming and English. Then he went to school – Add horse riding. Now, in addition to training in the mathematical high school, he goes to English classes at MGIMO, two sports clubs and to the tutor. In the yard does not walk, he does not watch the telly – once. The computer on which you complain so mom plays only during the holidays, and even then not every day.
Formally, all these activities were voluntarily selected Sasha. But when I ask him what he wanted to do, if it was not necessary to learn, he says, “to play the guitar.” (Options, heard from other respondents: play football, play on the computer, do not do anything, just walking). Play. Remember this answer and move on.
What’s the matter with him
You know, I had such clients is a week for three person. Virtually every call about a boy aged 13 to 19 years it is about this: nothing wants. In each case, I see the same picture: the active, energetic, ambitious mother, missing dad, home or grandmother or nanny-housekeeper. Most still Grandma.
The family system is distorted: Mom takes the role of men in the house. She is the breadwinner, she makes all the decisions, in contact with the outside world, protect, if necessary. But at home it does not, it is in the fields and on the hunt.
The fire in the hearth supports grandmother, but she does not have the levers of power in relation to their “common” child, he can not disobey, and rude. If it were my mother and father, my father would come home from work in the evening, my mother would he complained of inappropriate behavior son, father to him nakostylyat – and all love. And then you can complain, and no one nakostylyat.
Mom tries to give him everything, everything: the most fashionable entertainment, the most necessary razvivalki, any gifts and purchases. A son is not happy. And again and again sounds that chorus: “do not want anything.”
And I have some time just begins to scratch in the question: “And when he want something? If for him for a long time mom othotela, otmechtala, he planned out and done. ”
That is when the baby is five years sitting at home alone, rolls on the carpet machine, plays, growls, hums, builds bridges and castles – at this point he begin to emerge and ripen desires first obscure and unconscious, gradually forming into something concrete: I want a big fire a car with men. Then he waits for work with mom or dad, and expresses his desire to receive a response. Usually, “Be patient until the New Year (date of birth, pay).” And you have to wait, to endure, to dream about this car before going to sleep, look forward to the possession of happiness, to think of her (still the car) in detail. Thus a child learns to communicate with his inner world in terms of desires.
And as Sasha (and all other Sachs, with whom I am dealing with)? Wanted – written text messages mom sent – Mom ordered over the Internet – brought the evening. Or vice versa: Why do you need this machine, you have not made lessons, you read the two-page primer speech therapy? Time – and broke off the beginning of a fairy tale. All. Dream no longer turns.
These boys really all there: the latest smartphones, rasposledny models of jeans, a trip to the sea four times a year. But the possibility of simply kicking noodle they do not. Meanwhile boredom – the most that neither is a creative state of mind, without it is impossible to come up with something to do. Little child should get bored and homesick, there was a need to move and act. And he is deprived of even the basic right to decide to go to the Maldives it or not. Mom already decided everything for him.
What parents say
At first I was in for quite a long time listening to parents. Their complaints, frustration, resentment, guesswork. It starts always with complaints like “we all to him, and he replied – nothing.” The enumeration of what is impressive “all for it.” Some things I know for the first time. I, for example, and had no idea that 15-year-old boy can be led in the handle of the school. And until now, I thought that the limit – this is the third class. Well, the fourth for girls. But it turns out that the anxiety and fears of mothers push them to strange things. And suddenly it will attack the bad boys? And teach him bad (smoking, cursing bad words, to lie to their parents, the word “drugs” often is not pronounced, because it is very scary).
Often this argument sounds like “You know what time we are living.” To be honest – I do not really understand. I think the times are always about the same, well, except for very very severe, for example, when the war is going right in your city. In my time the girl to go through 11 years of a vacant lot was deadly. So we did not go. We knew that we should not go there, and abide by the rules. And they have sex maniacs, and in the hallways sometimes robbed. But what was not – it’s free press. Therefore, the summary of the criminal people learned from friends of friends, on the principle of “one grandmother said.” And after going through a lot of mouths to feed, the information became less frightening and more blurred. Type abduction by aliens. Everyone has heard that it happens, but no one has seen.
When it is shown on TV, with details, close-up, it becomes the reality, that is, side by side, in your house. You see it with my own eyes – and yet admit it, most of us have never in my life did not see themselves the victim of robbery? The human psyche is not adapted to the daily observation of death, particularly violent. It causes severe trauma, and to defend himself from her modern man does not know how. Therefore, on the one hand, we seem to be more cynical, and on the other – do not let children walk the streets. Because it is dangerous.
Most of these helpless children grow sluggish and those parents who from an early age were independent. Too grown too responsible, too early to themselves. From the first class to come home themselves, the key on a ribbon around his neck, lessons – for yourself, eat warm up – yourself at the best parents in the evening they ask: “What have you learned from?”. In the summer or in the camp, or to her grandmother in the village, too, especially where there was no one to attend.
And then these children have grown up, and there was a restructuring. Complete change of all: the way of life, values, guidelines. There is something to be nervous. But the generation of adapted, survived even became successful. Extruded and diligently do not notice the anxiety remained. And now all fully struck on the head only child.
A child of the charges imposed serious. Parents completely fail to recognize their contribution to it (children of) development, they just complain bitterly: “Here I am at his age …”.
“I’m in his age already knew for what I want from life, and he was in 10th grade only interested in toys. I am a third-grade lessons she has done (well, that I am the first, except it’s about saying something -? KD), and he was in the eighth could not sit at the table until the hand will not fail. My parents did not even know what our math program, and me now have to solve each example with him! ”
All this is said with a tragic tone, “Where is rolling this world ?!”. As if children have to repeat their parents way of life.
At this point I start to ask, and what exactly the behavior they would like their child. It turns out pretty funny list, such as a portrait of the ideal man:
to do everything himself;
to unquestioningly obey;
I engaged in those circles, which will be useful later in life;
He was sensitive and caring and was not selfish;
It was more assertive and breakdown.
In the last paragraphs I already sad. But the mother who makes the list, too, sadly, she noticed a contradiction. “I want the impossible?” – She asks sadly. Yes, no matter how bad. Or singing or dancing. Or do you have an obedient, willing Excellent all-nerd or energetic, proactive, disruptive troechnik. Or he will sympathize with and support or nods and goes past you to your goal.
From somewhere it came from the idea that, properly engaging with your child, you can somehow magically protect him from all future troubles. As I said, the benefits of numerous developmental activities rather relative. The child misses a really important step in the development of: games and relationships with peers. Boys do not learn to think out a game, activity, do not open new territories (since there are dangerous!), Do not fight, do not know how to gather around him a team. The girls do not know anything about “women’s circle”, although with the work they have few better things: Yet girls often give handmade in different circles, and “score” the need for social dialogue in girls harder.
In addition to child psychology of habit I do more and Russian language and literature with students. So in the pursuit of foreign languages parents completely missed his native Russian language. The vocabulary in modern teenagers like Ellochka-cannibal – within hundreds. But proudly declares: a child is studying three foreign languages, including Chinese, and all with native speakers. A children understand proverbs literally ( “Without labor not to catch fish from the pond” – it’s about? “-” It’s about fishing “), word-formation analysis can not do, challenging experience trying to explain on the fingers. Because language is perceived in communication and from books. But not during lessons and sports activities.
What kids say
“I was not listening. I want to walk home from school with friends, not with a babysitter (chauffeur, escort). I have no time to watch TV, do not have time to play on the computer. I had never been to the cinema with friends, only with his parents and their friends. I was not allowed to visit the children, and to me, no one can. My mother checks my bag, pockets, mobile phone. If I stay in school for at least five minutes, my mother immediately calls. ”
This text is a first grader. It is the students of 9th class speak.
See, complaints can be divided into two categories: trespass ( “check list, does not wear what I want”) and, relatively speaking, the violence against the person ( “nothing is impossible”). It seems that the parents did not notice that their children have already grown out of diapers. It is possible, though it is harmful, checking pockets at first-graders – at least in order not to wash these pants with chewing gum. But 14-year-old man would be good to have come into the room with a thud. Not a formal thud – knocked and entered without waiting for an answer, and while respecting his right to privacy.
Criticism hairstyles reminder “Go pomoysya and it smells bad on you,” the requirement to wear a warm jacket – all this indicates a teenager: “You are still small, you have no right to vote, we are behind you all decide.” While we all want something to protect it from the cold. And it really smells bad.
I can not believe that there are still those parents who have not heard: for the most important part of teenage life – socializing with peers. But this means that the child gets out of parental control, parents are no longer the ultimate truth.
The creative energy of the child is blocked in this way. After all, if he is forbidden to want what he really needs, he abandons all desires. Think how terrible it is – do not want to. What for? I still do not resolve, ban, explaining that it is harmful and dangerous, “the lessons go better to do.”
Our world is far from ideal, it really is not safe, it is there evil and chaos. But somehow we live in it. Allows himself to love (although that’s really it – an adventure with unpredictable plot), changing jobs and housing in crisis inside and outside. Why do not you let your children live?
I have a suspicion that in families where there are similar problems with the children, parents do not feel their safety. Their life is too hard, the stress level exceeds the adaptive capacity of the body. And so it would be desirable that at least my child lived in peace and harmony.
But my child does not want peace. She needs a storm, achievements and exploits. Otherwise, the child lies down on the couch, disclaims all and ceases to please the eye.
What to do
As always, discuss, make a plan, stick to it. To begin remember what your child is asking before, and then stopped. I am quite sure that the watch daily “absolutely useless” walk with friends – a necessary condition for the mental health of adolescents.
You’d be surprised, but meaningless “baldenie in the box” (view music and entertainment channels) needed for our children too. They enter into a kind of trance, meditative state during which learn something about yourself. Not about the artists, stars and show business. About myself.
The same can be said about video games, social networks, phone calls. This infuriates scary, but it is necessary to survive. You can and should limit, introduce some kind of framework and rules, but totally prohibit the inner life of a child – Crime and short-sighted. Do not learn the lesson now – will be covered later: the crisis of middle age, moral burn-in 35, the reluctance to take responsibility for the family and so on..
Because nedoigral. Nedoslonyalsya aimlessly through the streets. I do not look just all stupid comedy without neighing of Beavis and Butthead.
I know a boy who lead up parents to a white heat that lay for hours in his room and knocked on a tennis ball against a wall. Quietly, not much. They were irritated not a knock, but what he does not do anything! Now 30, he is quite spravno man, married, working, active. He needed 15 years to stay in his shell.
On the other hand, as a rule, these children are sorely underused life. All they are doing – learning. Do not go to the grocery store for the whole family, do not wash the floor, do not repair electrical appliances.
So I would give them more freedom inside and outside limited. So you decide yourself, what you wear and how you will deal with in addition to studying, but – here is a list of household chores, start. By the way, the boys very well prepared. And they know how to iron. And like gravity drag!