Once upon a time two friends, Anna and Tanya. Friends since childhood. Day nursery, school, college, discos, visits – all held together. There were no secrets between them and secrets – all shared with each other. Almost simultaneously, got married, had children. Life went on as usual. Periodically girlfriend met, walked with the children about their husbands told various funny stuff discussed. All as a child. Or not at all?
Tanya’s husband, senior bank manager had a respectable appearance and always evoked keen interest from the opposite sex, that is terrible and annoying wife led to frequent scandals. Flirt he called the usual courtesy visits to various evening of presentations – professional necessity, long-legged female colleagues with predatory smiles – “just colleagues.” Claims Tanya genuinely did not understand, saying that it winds itself from scratch. Before his marriage he led a turbulent personal life, and it was the place the first serious love, which Tanya knew. And, most worryingly, it turned out that her husband was in the past six months is often seen with her first love. She also held senior positions in the company, which cooperated with the bank spouse. The Earth is round, and Moscow – the city turned out to be small.
According to the husband, he was seen with his former passion exclusively for work. But there were little things that Tanya alarmed, suggesting gloomy thoughts. His suspicions she periodically honestly shared with her husband – sometimes gently persuade her, sometimes reproached of being too violent fantasies. And one day, together with ex-girlfriend went to some three-day seminar (sure, however, before that, that he was going with the head). Apparently, this was the last straw: collecting her husband’s things into a suitcase, Tanya demanded that he vacate the apartment. And he did not want to leave – with what is to become ?! Word for word, to remember all the accumulated claims to each other, all the mutual insults, accusations, reproaches. The scandal rattled through the night and in the morning my husband still left.
The next day, Tanya wrote a friend a message that had a fight with her husband, kicked him, and this time, it seems, seriously. Anya said something neutral, they say, time will tell, try not to get upset much, think about the baby. Then the girls walked together, recalling the events of his childhood, discussing movies and stupid advertising on TV. About men did not speak.
But what was the temptation! You can in fact it was the pain in his voice to say: “Wow, what a bastard! And it certainly went for it … “, then poohat, sigh -” they’re all the same! “. Think aloud: “And for that he got such a treasure for a wife! And how much more it will be poor, to suffer! “Thus fulfilling his” podruzhkin “debt. But Anna knew that in no case should not say anything like that. It does not matter, was treason actually empty or it fears – this is not it “podruzhkino” business.
But the most revealing in the story, in my opinion, the behavior of Tani. No complaints. Nobody. Not a single bad word about her husband. Just about the situation: “deceived, hidden, uttered by each other, of course, too much”, but personally addressed to him – no “goat, you bastard, I broke all my life, but you should have seen it, you would have heard!”. By the way, at the time of the quarrel the couple accidentally learned mother-in-law (mother Tanya) and reacted very cautiously: “It happens.” Why? Because it turned out, had no idea that there are some problems, I have decided that we are talking about small household quarrel in her daughter’s family.
After this story, I thought (hello Carrie Bradshaw!) And then came to some conclusions. Nothing will not impose, it is only my personal thoughts.
First. We all know the saying that to wash dirty linen in public is bad. But, unfortunately, in practice, we act contrary, engaging in our family “dismantling” a large number of completely unnecessary where participants. This also applies to husbands and wives. We’re all a little bit turned into pop stars, generous comments on his personal life in the pages of different-sized magazines and newspapers.
I know cases where people have all their family problems detailed in the social networks, and then discuss with the commentators. And often include commentary and sympathizers are no people who do not really care, who really hurts the heart for you, and sometimes it does strangers, virtual friends, passers – trampled and left. What for? Do you benefit from it?
If you need to discuss something, then the second half to come to some kind of result, not wasted rend the air. If a married woman in the old days came to the family home with the claims to his family life, his mother and father had not stroked her head and said in unison: “vV you have a husband! Go to it, solve their problems together! “And I think it made sense. Of course, if we are not talking about crime or violence. But now is not about that.
Because … The relationship between husband and wife – it’s merely the two of them. All the problems and disagreements, they should decide themselves, without the help of third parties. In extreme cases, the faithful can ask advice from a confessor, and unbelievers – to go to a therapist. Together. Not behind his half, namely two.
When we begin to criticize her husband with her mother or a friend, we do not solve their problems. In the best case – to utter, at worst – cheat yourself further. And if the tender-hearted mother or girlfriend took your side and also abusing your mate, then a speedy and peaceful resolution of the situation you can forget. With such “support”, instigated by the words “yes it can!”, “So long as you still will suffer!”, Confident in his unshakable uprightness (because you have not been able to calmly analyze the situation), you will again throw at recess and aggravate conflict.
Once on this topic, we talked with a woman 80 years old, and she confidently said: “The worst enemy of the family – a girlfriend. Not because it will lead her husband, but because their advice you ward off from him. ”
Second. To friends. Do not advise her friends to leave her husband because he is the bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard or all together. Sympathize with, tell me what you know, how it is heavy and hard, calm. Do not impose your opinion, ask what exactly it wants.
If we are so eager to give some advice, think together (with it!) About how you can make a difference and save with the family. Yes Yes. As long as your friend she had not taken a decision to get a divorce, it is not necessary to hold an aggressive position in relation to her husband. Do not abuse it was worth. And especially no “yes you just beckoned, find themselves ten of these!” And if you can not find? Even one? And if it then to weep and suffer, that left her “villain” who is to blame? You. Friend. Generously dispensing tips.
Remember: you do not know the whole situation, do not see the whole picture, and are guided in their judgment only by the fact that said girlfriend. That is your opinion about their quarrel is very biased, subjective. The husband has a girlfriend can be a very different opinion, and not necessarily wrong. In the end, the conflict is usually to blame for both.
Third. Moms. Mother-in-law. Their participation in family disassembly must be reduced to zero. They generally should not be where the husband and wife find out the relationship. Ideally. If not, then at least do not run to my mother and did not complain about your other half. Understand, for mom (it does not matter, it’s mother-in-law or mother in law), you are a child, a jewel krovinochka. And your spouse – bastard, which is a treasure offended.
Just imagine the mother feelings when hurt her baby! Presented? So once and forget this insult as a second mom will not soon, if ever. Unlike us, who look for a husband / wife with new eyes (lovers), and ready to forgive, forget, put aside, my mother hardly so simple it will be able to switch and keep a good attitude toward your spouse. And it certainly will affect your life in the future.
Illustration of life. Guy married and the first two years came regularly to her mother complaining of his young wife: and prepares bad, there can not be, but he has a stomach sick ( “Mom, well teach you it!”), And the house a mess ( “Mom, I’m so not used “), and he is rude to others (” is it right? “) and on ad infinitum. Rather, he simply utters, looking for a mother support, advice, since they were very close. But these complaints resulted in the end in what mother does not tolerate several times and arranged daughter in law, decent dressing. Of course, the relationship between the two soured, and they can not be called a psychic, even after several years.
Another tender-hearted mother so earnestly supported his daughter when she called and scolded her husband, which eventually persuaded to get away from this “despot” and return to parents. Time passed. Former in-law helps former mother-in to do repairs in the apartment, solve everyday problems, carries it to different cases and needs, and each time the mother-in-law returned home, perplexed: “And as my daughter could not get along with him ?! Gold because people! “. She does not remember how she nodded, and chimed in-law found fault at every little thing.
It is very important to be able to maintain a fine line between “good cry on a shoulder” and “make dirty linen in public.” And if the first we women sometimes forgivable, the second best avoided. For the sake of himself same. For the sake of their families. By the way, if you really want to talk, it is better to do it with a friend, with a man. Firstly, it helps to look at the situation through the eyes of men, and perhaps something for you to become clearer and clearer, and secondly, of male solidarity will not tell your spouse that you are complaining about him. Or choose really indifferent person, which – and this is important! – Will try to please you, and look at the situation objectively.
Tanya and her husband, by the way, have reconciled. Moreover, her husband is no longer delayed at work, he refused to travel, and the functions of personal assistant to entrust her to his wife, that she absolutely had no cause for fantasies.