How often we are going with the spirit to do something? How many conversations, phone calls and meetings endlessly postponed, because we are afraid? In our changing world by self-doubt suffer even quite accomplished people. Can I get rid of this painful properties? Meets Orthodox psychologist Vladimir Mokhov.
– Lack of confidence in itself – it is an inherent property of nature or a result of upbringing mistakes? The uncertainty is characterized by humility?
– Are two completely different questions for me. I believe that insecure person, both your possible answers are a convenient loophole – because neither in the first nor in the second case, it is clearly not responsible for his behavior and is a victim – in one case of “hereditary”, another – “Error parents “. And then we suddenly find that insecure to be profitable – you can never have to answer, and nothing delat.Poetomu during consultations, I prefer to switch to the questions ” why is I had the” questions “why do I need to be sure” that specifically a person needs in life is now to solve.
About humility I respond much harder humility still more religious category. It seems to me that one of the answers might be: “uncertainty” – a situation in which a person thinks (feel, feel) that he was something lacking, a situation of shortage . In it there is a conflict and a struggle in which one side – the desire or need to do something, but on the other – feelings of fear, helplessness, uncertainty itself. Humility is the same for me as soon as possible would be directly interpreted as ” presence of peace” inside. Uncertainty – a lack of humility … But it’s still private and not a professional reasoning.
– Can the uncertainty be a downside of perfectionism? For example, a person has to do some work, but overestimates the bar, wants to do everything perfectly, then he realizes that it is impossible, and remains inactive …
– Yes, of course it can. Only again, I would also add here his responsibility for what is happening. In a sense, rather unconsciously, people then overestimates the bar that was an excuse to remain idle. This, of course, not always the case. But often.
– What if insecurity prevents live? For example, a person has to agree on a business meeting, but he was afraid to call on the phone or come to the right person? How the person can deal with such problems than he can help others?
– There, you see, and you ask about the “fight”, and I often hear such statements from people. A paradox – how to deal with the absence or lack of something? There need not fight, it is often fruitless, and understanding. One might suggest, first, to abandon the idea of “wait confidence” and concentrate on the task, not on feelings. If you need to call – call, but do not wait until the fear passes. Secondly, if the fear is really strong, with him to “talk” to learn it. I allow myself a metaphor: Your mind tells you that you need to call. And that “speaks” to you fear? Can you understand his message to you? If we are able to listen to his arguments, we is easier to decide whether to follow them. Unfortunately, this is not easy, and assistance in such “talks with the senses” – one of the most frequent problems of my work. I think it is important to others rather than hinder than help. Often a person and he reproaches himself for his weakness and fears, and the surrounding pour oil on the fire: “What are you, you can not call something?” Allow yourself to feel insecure, but to act confidently – one of the most important steps in coping with fears.
– How to raise a child in an adequate self-esteem? Do you agree with the theory that low self-esteem is often the case with people who are parents of a child too much criticism and not enough praise?
– As well as those who praised excessively and is not the case. The key word in this question – self-esteem. Foster’s the necessary first of all the ability to evaluate themselves. It is easy to understand that the assessment on the part of one side is an example of an assessment, on the other – interferes, as does self-assessment itself is not required. This topic is about the size of a book, and such a lot of books, very much depends on the age of the child. In the context of self-confidence is short, I would say probably the following. Firstly, there is confidence in the child (with teenagers harder, but does not negate what was said below) not from the estimates and of confidence in the safety and support of adults. The basic message – “I close and come to the rescue when needed and only when needed. I’m always on your side. ” Secondly, confidence arises from the child when the parent maintains his right (not the obligation!) To have their own opinion and their own assessment – both positive and negative, and are not afraid (parent not afraid!) That the estimates and opinions of different people may vary. The basic message: “You like me, you have the right to self assess what is happening. In the world can be seen from very different points of view. ” And third, the most famous – not evaluate the child, not its quality, not his feelings, and his concrete action , that is the only thing that depends on him. The main message: “I support (or not support) the way you act. You can always save or change the modes of action. ” Here, the parent must himself very clearly understood that the unconditional love and support ( “I love and support, no matter what you do, and whatever you was how”) and contingent valuation actions ( “I am happy when you bring five and angry when you bring two “) – a completely different reality, one should not confuse them.
– Do you think that exacerbated if different complexes associated with self-doubt, in recent decades? It differs in this respect whether today’s young people from the generation of their parents and grandparents?
– I do not even want to grumble on the theme “Young people today are accustomed to luxury, it is different bad manners, contempt for authority, no respect for elders, children arguing with adults, eagerly swallow food, harass teachers” (this statement belongs to Socrates), and special studies I not conducted. I am inspired by those almost unlimited possibilities that I see a person who has decided on the present is something in itself to change, and I know that any person seeking his confidence is sure to find it.
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