We often hear, though in modern times in children too many rights, children’s rights that are destroying traditional for our society’s system of values that give the right to raise children means an increase in crime among minors, etc. When I hear such speeches, I understand that people living near me, do not divide clearly the concept of “rights” and “privileges”.
Rights that exist in children, based on the main children’s and human needs. It is the right to life and the right to the opportunity to meet vital needs, the right to protection from the dangers that can endanger the life, health and development, the right to play (because the game – it is a key factor in intellectual development and development in general), Law rest , the right to receive education , the right to maintain personal space (children – developing the individual as well as adults, and they have every right to ensure that every minute of their lives do not spread in the form of photographs on Facebook), etc.
Benefits – these are the things and actions by which we satisfy the desire (and need not) child. Child’s needs – there is a healthy variety of foods in optimal amounts, but a privilege – for the child’s wish to buy him expensive and harmful sweets in the quantities in which it wants a child. A child has a need in the game – in accordance with his age and individual characteristics, and the purchase of a set of Lego Maynkraft from the latest collection – it is a privilege.
In the first case, the privilege is obviously dangerous for the health of the child, and in another – is problematic (consumerism, we have brought up at the stage, and the need of the child in the game may well be satisfied with the usual constructor). However, people whose children regularly eat sweets, get the latest models of Lego / Barbie / notebooks with Elsa or “Star Wars” and so on, often say that today’s children are too many rights. In fact, the following occurs: parents and teachers important rights confused with useless and even dangerous privileges. In addition, in this case the predominant parenting style, which confuses the child confused: a mix of authoritarianism and connivance.
If you try to understand it better, let’s imagine your boss. Often, a person who makes it clear – either openly or by hints – what will happen with the consent of his position and the unconditional subordination orders, and no matter whether or not they thought. It is necessary to do, period. Or: “I think we should do that and then some. What do you think? Well, when there are different opinions, but we still do like this. And the point. ” On the other hand, your boss (or boss) from time to time to forgive “podvorovyvanie”, “priviranie”, “nerabotanie” – you know that there are people who sometimes with impunity skip work, admit blunders and work very badly. Head important that these employees were loyal and obedient demonstrative, rather than to respect the boundaries and their work rules.
Our rulers are no exception, and we’re all pretty similar to them. This is especially true when it comes to raising children. In my opinion, the majority of parents in our community want their children to be respected and “listen” to have seen the authority simply because they have parents. They think that children should accept what they say, as the ultimate truth (even if there are no serious arguments, even if they do not find time to again and again to present their arguments, as in principle is to do with the kids) children are expected to behave as parents say (even if they stick to habits that children are forbidden and from which children are warned), children must meet the educational and other expectations (even if the parents is not an adequate model to study the plan, no interest in school the success of the child and do not seek to learn), etc.
Key phrase that we hear all the time when you were little: “As long as you’re in my house, you will listen to me and do what I say, because I say so.” It is an authoritarian parenting style in its purest form – the authority is based on strength and power, rather than on the respective qualities that a child would understand: you deserve to have listened.
This traditional approach to education in our society leads to a number of negative consequences: fear of the strong and the power of personalities, obedience due to fear, danger to the child or others hiding the truth out of fear, as well as protest and rebellion, up to harm himself and others .
This style of parenting today received a “superstructure” as its exact opposite – and connivance “razreshatelstva” in education. Often, these same parents buy children things that are clearly beyond their financial capabilities or simply useless in educational as well as in the educational plan; allow to sit for hours in front of computer or TV, hanging on the phone. Allowed to walk at any time, turn a blind eye to the lessons of absenteeism, criticized the world for the problems that exist in the child, and so on.
The worst thing about this “confuses” the education that the child does not know what will be the reaction and behavior of the parents in a particular situation. The child does not know what to expect. Imagine a parent who first slaps, insults and yelling at the child because he did something or did not do, and then hugs and kisses the same child, abolishes the punishment and even makes him gifts. Or screaming due to poor ratings and tells the child that he was lazy, and after a short while showering undue praise and affection (often due to a well-founded sense of guilt).
As a result of the “pendulum”, which no one knows where to swing at any given moment, the child comes to the following conclusions:
parents are unreliable and can not be supported and enabled, but if they are the parents, and the whole world too, so – insecure, fearful and unstable;
parents are actually dangerous, and it is better to hide from them the facts that do not decorate the child;
parents is impossible to please – it is not clear what they expected of you;
parental love excludes rules of conduct, because love is manifested only when life is terminated by the rules;
the child himself “a poor and inadequate” because it can not understand what it means to be a “good and adequate” for parents. But the fact that the parents do not understand, but as a result and can not make it clear what is expected of the child and thus further knock him off;
from parents (and later from other people) can get nice benefits, which are easily accessible, but in reality does not have much meaning for a child, because they do not satisfy the need for love.
Why is it so?
In one issue, and agreed model of behavior of adults, which is transferred from generation to generation, and personality traits of their parents, and sometimes – and mental health disorders. A parent who after a day at work, falls on the couch watching TV and opens one, two, three bottles of alcohol in order to “calm down and cheer up” … Parents who are themselves prescribed and uncontrollably over the years take sedatives … Usually they can not collect will in a fist, to get out of bed to check that children do, or start a meaningful conversation with your child. None of such parents and resources for consistent alignment of their actions. It is a depressed parents (or even more often – anxiety and depression).
The level of alcohol consumption and arbitrary “sedative” drugs i do not want to talk, but even the most superficial acquaintance with the statistics shows that the abuse of alcohol and antidepressants huge. There are many people who do not accept the above, but can not help themselves and move to an open aggression – and this is another side of the coin.
What we can do?
We can stop waiting, which will be solved all at once (the mountain of problems will cease to exist – we will work, a good relationship with her husband, a beautiful home, a reliable country, etc.) or stop to despair over the fact that all at once and never not settled, and begin to address a little bit the little problems that might solve.
We can put on the oxygen mask on yourself, to be able to do something for their children. We can begin to be treated and to admit that we have problems. We can persistently seek help for themselves. We can tidy up the space around them. We can enter one rule per month, which will consistently carry out and in respect of themselves, and in relation to the child. We can be honest with yourself: maybe something we could not succeed, but we also have to achieve, and a lot of good. Maybe the society in which we live, does not support the correct educational principles, but there are things that are within our power, but we do not yet. I think we are quite capable of it.