“The husband and wife should spend time with each other”, – they are usually psychologists. And as his pay, if the family – many children, dad at work, busy mom children, in the evening, when the children are finally in bed, the couple do not have forces not like to talk, but also to share a few words? Describes family psychologist Catherine Burmistrov, mother of eleven children.
– How to find the time a husband and wife to each other, when all the power-consuming work, housework, carrying children – in school, in the “music school” in “hudozhku” in the pool, and so on?
– It is interesting that the same family, in which the father and mother can not find a minute for each other, often find incredible opportunities that children receive the best education. Build complex scheme with interception of children in different parts of the city, to go to the best coach or the best music teacher. That is, the education of children is placed on top of the family’s preferences. And someone at the top of this can be cleanliness, order something else on that first of all go time and effort. On the relations of the spouses, they are distinguished by a residual principle. The rhythms of the modern city to them there is nothing left. The bottom line – zero or negative, and full of weariness.
And this time there will be never, if you do not change the structure itself, if you do not understand that the fish goes out from the head, that the attitude of the parents – the most important thing that happens in the family, and not the number of attendance. Unfortunately,
often work with couples who are challenging phase in the relationship: the proximity to the divorce or the divorce itself. It turns out that the people who did all the best for the children – giving them an education, earn money on it, came to the conclusion that their relationship is destroyed, simply because they did not have time.
There are financial planning in the family, and if you do not leave 10 or 15 per cent of the rental, vacation you will not have: not what will go. Similarly, if you do not leave conditional on a 10-15 percent ratio, you get the void instead.
So if the time on each other husband and wife is not an urgent need to review the power, financial, family time costs. Say, for example, that we can go and for children’s performances on tour in any of the Saturdays, but most of the time allocated to the independent campaign of parents to adult activities. We are willing to pay for this babysitter (just means you can save those children most tours, and so on), we’ll call her grandmother.
– But stay for the first time alone, without the usual worries, parents may begin to quarrel …
– Yes, on the first Sunday, when the couple somewhere got together, they often simply cursing: accumulated a lot of things. Instead of getting the pleasure of communicating, they rake emotional blockages. But if they continue to work on their relationship, gradually enter into the taste, easier to distinguish themselves this time.
Gradually, children begin to respect the joint right of parents twice a month, for example, to get away somewhere together. They understand that parents – not the staff, who always carries, nourishes and cares. It turns out that they have their own interests. They can easily go to a cafe, on a visit to the violin concerto. That is, at the same time we show that adult life has value.
It would be good if there is no baby (or taking with them grudnichka), a wedding anniversary or any memorable date that parents leave for a day or two. And for the first time, again, you need to prepare for the fact that there may be difficulties, perhaps – in advance to pick up topics of conversation: to introduce new traditions is not easy.
Well enter and little tradition of mom-dad, when you do not have anyone to call and go anywhere, for example, come morning Adult Evening tea.
– At the tea party the children will also be permanently wedged …
– First, to be: they have no habits. Like any habit, like any skill, it must produce. And it goes on no less than five – seven weeks. It is necessary to explain why it is important for adults to drink tea together together, to talk, to see some adult transmission. And do not feel guilty for having “kicked out” of children. What children really traumatic – it’s when they feel the tension or cooling in relations between adults, when they see that adults do not have to talk to each other …
If the parents do not pay relationships with each other attention, all the forces of spending only for children, they show a distorted model of relations, which then they can broadcast later in the their families.
– And if you still can not afford to nurse, grandmother – far away, and the children – the same age a little.
– In this case, as long as they are small, we are not talking about an hour or more. Select 15 minutes – 20, while the children are engaged in cartoons or play with themselves – really. Just this precious time is not necessary to spend on debugging economic “tails”.
I think parents need to understand with the weather a period of time, which does not do without assistants. It may be volunteers, relatives, friends, with whom you are changing children. While all children are small, need some kind of at least one-time, at least once a week, help.
If adult relationships are in order, they have come up with how to improve the lives of children. Energy will have more forces will be more to be more willing to invest.
– In large families dad often sends his wife and children out of town for the summer, and the – work in the city …
– This is very harmful. Separate housing for three months, and years – it is a huge risk of corrosive. And no fresh air does not pay for the broken relationship.
My experience of the program “Club of large families” (as it is already 13 years old) says that in functional families where the relationship of husband and wife develop, fathers find an opportunity to reschedule their activities so that at least part of the summer with my family. Then simply re-issue – what to put on the top of the hierarchy? Fresh air or relationships. Sometimes, the father thinks, “Going to a more comfortable place family, and he will not go, I will continue to make money.” That is to go with your family for two weeks, or send his wife – children for a month somewhere, and then another two months to the country or to the country – this is usually the result of a choice.
– How to start this building relationships?
– It would be nice when people are only at the start when expecting their first child, wonder – who is going to hedging. Then there should be a feeling that the child ate all the time and all the power and they are not left on the husband (wife). It does not matter whether we are one child, two there, three and so on.
But the preservation of relationships require a special effort. Spouses need to make it a rule to break away from the everyday life of a family context. After all, the family, especially large – it is such a thing with a large gravitational mass, which is addictive. One can not surfaced – and not for the sake of self-interest, namely in order to develop the family.
Often, people find time possible, understand what to do when a relationship has given a fatal crack. But it is better to not to bring this state. About tomorrow need to think right now.
Interview Oksana Golovko