On the men envy women psychologically married to their moms, and those who fear panic, depending on their wives – a clinical psychologist and psychoanalytical therapist Elena Kadyrov .

Women talk about men scenariosElena, whether the marriage choice and behavior scenarios exist in a family, it is typical for men ?

Yes, of course, purely masculine scenarios exist. Despite the fact that as a child we are going through the same stages of development, this process has its own specifics in girls and boys. And the girl and the boy are in the first dyad with the mother and get their first experience of intercourse, the first experience of being as such it is paired with a woman. And then the boy what happens is what happens to the girl – the process of identifying change. First, he identified with his mother, not knowing the difference. But at some point, the boy realizes that he has a physiological and biological differences, and he begins the process razidentifikatsii with his mother and an identification with the father. Usually this happens for two or three years, although this process is extended in time.

Changing the identification takes place against the backdrop oedipal relations in the triangle of mother-father-child. And depending on the mother’s relationship with her father, how she interacts with the boy as a father talks to him, it is the formation of the core psychological gender role identity.

But what about the boys who are brought up only the mother or only the pope, or even grandmother? Or those who grow up in children’s homes and taken out of context of traditional relations?

We are talking about a perfect model, but it is clear that if the boy had no father – a big problem. The child should be some way to identify with the male subject. And that is either absent or, let’s say, very bad. Really bad or criticize his mother and believes so. In order not to spoil relations with the mother and for her to be a good boy so afraid to identify with the pope. Because the relationship with the mother of paramount importance to him: on the one hand, scared of losing her love, on the other hand, it is in early childhood, it seems powerful, and it is very frightening its possible hostility. There is an internal conflict. And if the father is not at all, the difficulties with the identification of even more.

Clearly, this is compensated, the boy begins to imitate other men, appearing in his life – his grandfather, the other boys, teachers. Formed certain behaviors – he’s not in a vacuum is. Moreover, a so-called fantaziruemy father, whose image is subsequently adjusted reality if men are present in a little boy’s life.

A children’s home for a child – it’s such a psychological trauma, which is compensated if anything, it is the exception rather than the rule. There is of particular importance, the trauma is applied at any stage of development. The children in the orphanage – a separate big topic and problem.

In an attempt to avoid dependence

What’s in the development of the child most affects the formation of the future of various scenarios of male behavior in a relationship with a woman?

One of the key factors – it is a feature of residence of the first year of life, depending on the phase-out of the mother or caregiver adult. A child can not in any way, except for crying, affect the fact that it’s vital needs are met. He is at the mercy of the mother, which is, on the one hand, a source of pleasure – when feeding, caring, giving emotional warmth and understanding, and on the other hand, the source of suffering and even horror – in those moments when needs are not met.

It is clear that the mother can not be with the child 24 hours a day, and no matter how trying, frustration is inevitable. Moreover, a certain frustration, even necessary as a developmental factor. But if it is excessive, if a child for a long time is one, or it is fed by the hour, or the mother is depressed, the child, the fixing at this stage of development of both traumatic and formed various scenarios based fear of addiction and attempts to escape. These scenarios are, of course, unconscious – a child at this time has no speech and the ability to think in words.

For example, it may be psychologically unconscious desire to return to the intrauterine state of fusion, the same lost paradise, where the child and mother were one body, and all the life support is automatic. In adult life, it will manifest itself in an effort to blur the boundaries between themselves and the loved one in some undifferentiated “we”, where a person loses the sense of the “I” is not able to understand and feel what he wants, what his personal needs and interests, attempts to dissolve completely in another and perceive any attempt to demarcate the second half as a rejection.

Another strategy, especially characteristic of men – an attempt to control the relationship in terms of its replacement. These include various types of addictions, including chemical dependence – addiction to nicotine, alcohol or drugs. Man unconsciously replaces cigarette mother’s breast, bottle or drugs, but now it is as if he controls the satisfaction of needs, regulates the level of acceptable mental discomfort or, on the contrary, pleasure. The catch is precisely in this “as if”. In fact, the attempt to control the relationship leads to dependence on the control means.

In family relations, such a man is likely to form a codependent traditional tandem, in which the wife would be in the same trap: trying to control drinking behavior of her husband, she gets into an emotional dependence on his behavior. The circle of its interests, emotional life is narrow and simplified to a few reactive states. This is a very painful condition, from which it is very difficult to get out. But drinking spouse can finally get in excess, though in a negative context, is most interested attention, which is likely he did not have in his early childhood in the relationship with the mother, or if he received it only in the case of problematic situations.

“Never again”

It turns out that a person injured as a child dependent, be sure to back it gets?

It turns out, but there are scenarios where it is not so obvious. Sometimes a different strategy to combat the fear based, looking like quite successful adaptation. In this case, the mind tries to “forget” totally dependent stage of infancy as a nightmare and is fixed at the next stage of development, during which formed the first self-service skills and autonomy. In other words, the fear of dependence leads to fixation on the desire to be completely independent. I call this scenario “Never again.”

Since the full autonomy – is an illusion, and the man still needs the other, there is a mechanism triggered the depreciation of the partner to the role of the functional use of the object. Mom becomes a servant, that he serves. So a boy is trying to get rid of their fear of addiction, from the former “omnipotence” mother from the deep unconscious terror of the archaic maternal principle, which embodies life and death. Later this attitude is transferred to the women with whom a man engages.

How a man with such a scenario at all able to build a serious relationship?

The problem is that if a person is afraid of dependence, he is afraid and affection. He does not distinguish between these things. Such a man committed to a certain full, non-existent in the nature of autonomy. And so the need for the other person, he feels as a dangerous dependency for him. To avoid it, it builds a relationship where true intimacy impossible. He is doing everything to control its autonomy.

Such a man is fenced off from the woman even formally a relationship?

It may be that the ability to have an intimate relationship, attachment relationships are not formed at all. And then, on the one hand, the person will be deprived of this, and on the other, he will not understand what it is he does not have. It may be feeling some sort of emptiness and lack of something, but in general it will not be aware of the problem.

By the way, there is a category of men who dissociate his libido so that sexual relations they are implemented with the woman, and love in its emotional aspect – in relations of close friendship and intimacy with other men. They’re going in the company of men, and families do not need them – they have their own community, where men love men. Homosexuality is not irrelevant. The woman is a sexual object, but love in terms of interest, attention, emotional warmth is not covered. That is, in this case it is not about male friendship as such, but about one of its forms, which is a substitute for the family and a close relationship with a woman.

It should be noted that the redundancy of frustration at an early age is very strongly influenced by the ratio of boys to women in general, the ability to integrate different aspects of the mother in a holistic way. After initially the child’s relation to the mother’s ambivalent: on the one hand, he loves her, and on the other, in moments of frustration, hate. Of course, the child does not realize it – he has no such a “machine”, everything happens on an unconscious level. During this period, the child’s perception of black and white. Before his psyche faced with the task to protect the “good” beloved mother who feeds and cares, from its own own aggressive impulses. And then the image of the mother is split into two entities – a good mother and the bad (in the fairy tales this fairy and witch, a good mother and a wicked stepmother, the witch). On a bad mother, the child projects his own hatred, while the good mother becomes idealized object of love.

Normally, during the development of the two halves are integrated into a complete image. But if the fixation has occurred in the previous stage of development, integration does not occur, or it is unstable, and then a man will always build a relationship not with real women, and with various aspects of “good and bad mothers’.

FOR LIFE stay with my mother

It turns out that fear of becoming dependent on women creates a confirmed bachelor?

Besides the fear of dependence is another key factor in forming future scenarios – oedipal situation. We will talk about it, not only in the context of Freud’s teachings, and considered more broadly – as the situation of the Third presence. This is the third in the original dyad “mother-child” is the father. It is present from the beginning in the mind of the mother, and then increasingly appears the reality of the child.

On the one hand, the child perceives the oedipal situation as a challenge – he does not want to lose its exclusive right to the mother. Parent steam generates in him a painful feeling of exclusion, jealousy and envy. In the psyche of the child there is a temptation to “place”, that is to project their negative feelings to his father – again split, but on the other line. In this case, there is a good, a perfect mother and a bad-bad dad, regardless of its real qualities.

If the mother while indulging behavior, it gives the boy to see if he wins psychologically from his father, the child there is the illusion of victory, which in psychoanalysis is called “Oedipal triumph.” It is clear that this victory does not maintain contact with reality, but in some version of the fantasy she saved and inhibits mental separation process.

After all, this is one of the basic and most important tasks in the role of the father of the third – to help the child to separate from the mother. And if the boy’s psychic reality does not form a stable parental couple, he has a great temptation to preserve the illusion that it is able to fully replace the mother’s husband, be it a pair. He does not live “oedipal defeat” his father, allowing realize the real state of affairs, then to build their own relationships in adulthood. He seems to be stuck at this stage of relations, psychologically remains in a dyad with the mother, and the images themselves and others are not integrated to a holistic perception.

It is very likely that such a man in adulthood will be psychologically married to his mother. In this case it does not necessarily shun other women to be “mama’s boy” or to live with her mother – although many of these stories. He can support his masculine identity, even Don Juan, but in fact it is just a way to compensate for their male ‘I’. In this sense, Don Juanism have an unconscious way to remain faithful to one woman – mother.

And how can build a normal relationship in this situation – without such severe consequences?

If we talk about the favorable oedipal relations benefit to the child, then it is very important to recognize the parental couple and learn how to maintain their exclusion, feeling it not as a rejection, and as a natural consequence of the existence of the relationship in this pair. The child in this case receives the valuable experience of being in the position of someone who is not involved in a relationship, and watching them psychologically. This mechanism is formed by the “internal observer”, which allows to see and feel the situation from different angles, from inside and outside, putting yourself in the other, as if looking at himself from the outside.

All this is possible when parents show empathy, flexibility, attention, love, and if the broadcast to each other and to the child. Then he does not feel a sense of ejection of the relationship: “Yes, now the parents look at each other, they have a relationship in which I do not participate, but on the periphery of their consciousness of my existence. I am. I am loved”.

Well, who is best?

Is it true that if the father does not become a figure of separating a pair of “mother and child”, the probability of a troubled scenario is very high?

Yes it is. There are times when my father, because of his own immaturity can aggressively compete with his son in the oedipal competition, stifling him, humiliating, denying that the boy could identify themselves with him and dreams of becoming as strong in the future. This father samoutverzhdayas and protected from the fear of their own vulnerability, trying by any means to translate his son that he will never be able to catch up on some quality, provoking his son inferiority complex.

As an adult man, the son will experience severe painful self-doubt, and it will prevent it in all spheres of life. Or he will go all to “prove” force that is worth something, and it will take most of his psychic energy, depleting other areas of life, making it difficult to get joy and pleasure from a relationship.


How else disadvantaged scenario could follow a man in adulthood?

Some men tend to experience envy, for example, a woman’s reproductive capacity, its ability to create within ourselves a new life, to the relations of deepest intimacy between mother and baby, in addition, to be another living being the source of life and pleasure – as it is in the process of feeding.

Envy of the maternal role is seldom realized – this works against social stereotype, but you can see it in action, when a man in his behavior seems to be saying: “I can be a better mother to her child than his real mother.” Such a man would make insignificant the fact of pregnancy, parturition, lactation, devaluing everything that hinders erase the differences between the sexes, and most likely, again unconsciously, chooses as his wife a woman with poor maternal instinct, the complex nature or insufficiently psychologically mature to it really lost in comparison with him in this competition for the role of the “real” mother.

Another motive for such a scenario may be the very desire for an imaginary self-sufficiency when not bear the thought that “I am in this life is something I can not, or someone looking for.” And then a woman – just a biological tool, “which I use to have a child myself, but this is my baby, and I am his” real “mother, who only called the Pope, but his future achievements, and love should belong, first of all, I and identified with me. ”

Another modification of this scenario – when a man seeks to be a parental figure is not a child, and his wife. Then he simultaneously appears in two forms: as a father, teacher, and as a nursing mother material goods. This is the case of voluntary misalliance (actual age difference is not required), when relations are based on the fact that the women’s – a children’s (infantile), and the male – a parent.

It naturally follows that these relationships can be maintained only at the expense of giving up personal development. And not just your partner. She does in this case, are denied access to adult authentic femininity, so – to the source of vitality. A man in a pair himself voluntarily “condemns” himself to a lifetime as a parent and also stops in personal development, in its ability to build a subject-subject relationship. And the man himself at the same time harbors the role of “teacher’s wife,” not seeing the contradictions pledged in a situation – any development partner threatens the strength of these relationships.

As a result, both become hostages of relations: one hard, another stuffy, but any change means the destruction of the system, and all sense of hopelessness. This inevitably gives rise to aggression, which, as a rule, with an excess is present in such co-dependent relationship.


In the opposite scenario, a man sees his wife a new mother, and a woman this role willingly takes. But as soon as the need for the presence of the parent object is satisfied – “at home mom, and all is well,” the man turned, as befits a child back to the “mother” and face to the world. Now he wants to continue to “grow and develop”, to be friends with the “boys,” and he begins to more actively glances at the “girls”. Wife this situation, of course, do not like, and she tries to rebel control, on the man responds, as befits a teenager, a protest against the infringement of his rights and freedoms. He may rebel until retirement – depending on how much is enough audacity, imagination and money. And the patience of his wife.

As soon as the situation reaches boiling point, and on the horizon looms a divorce, a man rushes to his wife and repeats the mantra: “I can not live without you.” He really can not live. Without the mother. But this has little to do with the love that a grown man can give to another person. This is a classic version of the relations in marriage and, unfortunately, very common, when a man has a wife and mother and lover to be “adult”.


Can a man change the style of relations in a pair with all their predisposition to a certain type of behavior?

Style may change, but to change the script needs a serious deep work on its realization. Without this, there is a high probability that the relationship again slipped onto the “old track”, including relations with the new spouse in the new marriage. Psychotherapy – this is the most effective way to self-knowledge and the changes start.

Interviewed by Anna Arkusha