… The voice on the telephone rang with barely repressed tears: “You know, he spends the night at home. Come after midnight: “I’m tired, my child,” look in the nursery, looks like the kids are asleep, and he falls. And all the washing, ironing, shopping – it’s all on me. And I’m still a young woman, I want to live. Why Kate helps her husband, but my home as a non-native? ”
Oh, how I would like to answer my interlocutor … But, seized with resentment, she would hardly listen to me. However, why “would”? We have repeatedly tried to talk to her about her troubles and sorrows, but every time Alenka understood that I do not try it in unison on all peel scold her almost did not come home Vasya, snorkel with anger flew on the lever, and she Alena a few days later I sulked because of the fact that no one had understood.
Alenka, honey, let me try to write you a letter? What if you did ever read it?
My friend, I remember well, how do you look in the church accompanied families came to the service “in full” – mom, dad and a number of brood dressed up “chickens.” And, hunched, whispering softly, “Well, why our dad with us does not go?”. But let’s try to speculate a little bit together.
We often think that all the decorum and splendidly in other families – up to the temple, with the Chalice, together home … But who knows what lies behind this facade, which raged there their passions and scandals? A bad thing – on the wrong family to admire and sigh – I too so want. Yes, to her husband with you to the temple – of the temple I went to want? And if the load it will be as unyielding boring as Natasha’s husband? If he’s as stubborn as a donkey, or explosive nitroglycerin worse? If it is their children luptsuet to bloody bruises, and his wife to the husband puts bows Olga – this also you want? Do not envy you them better, you own family, her husband, with him and build your own unique relationship.
I remember how you dreamed of a fairytale wedding magic, that then everything will go like clockwork. Did it ever occur to why, as a rule, fairy tale weddings come to an end ? Yes, because then begins the everyday life with its grievances, neponyatki, selfishness, and the husband and wife, constant attempts to mother-in-law to send a new family life in a way that seems to them best.
Telling my mother all the minute details of your life with Vasya, if you thought that you are doing? You you let your mother in your life, let it be judged a man who for you – the head, whether you like it or not. Her husband – the head of the family as Christ – the Church, so what right does a third person to interfere in your life, and even to evaluate and show the way? You have your own life and mothers in her to do nothing more, as it is sad for them sounds.
If you need advice – yes, mothers have the right to advise something, especially if you are asking for help. But without a request to hand out advice and guidance, to evaluate, and even say “I disappointed me your husband / wife” – it is no mother no right does not matter. Remember, you are no longer the baby, in all dependent on such a great and all-powerful mother, you should not blindly follow everything she says. You and your spouse your way, general, and does not necessarily coincide with the way that your mother is.
And who prevents you to sit in the evening and talk with your husband? Just patiently, gently, without your eternal offended tone. My friend, if you really me, the person, in general, a stranger, so uncomfortable when I hear claims that you syplesh against him if I want as soon as possible to get up and leave, then what is he – the man whom you yourself chose as her husband? He was in fact nowhere to go, he is forced to spend the night with you under the same roof, listening to your endless nagging, complaints and notes how he should live.
Listen, what are you talking to him. “Why do you react to this situation so badly? You should not behave this way, because I also react very differently. ” Did it ever occur to you that you thus to her husband, saying, “Do not be yourself. I do not want you to be who you are. ” So, you refuse him the right to exist. And then you want to, he sought home to you and to the children?
About the husband you ever thought – what is it you have in your house? And if you are not partly to blame for the fact that he wants to run aimlessly? Who’s stopping you to take care of other people, the help that you offer complete strangers, but love you and your kids children? “I want all of it done, and you do not need me.” And why? Why are you rejecting us? What we have done wrong to you? Why do you refuse from our love, we reject?
“I want to!” But there are many but your very different desires in the world … Did it ever occur to you that every person in my life God sends us? And every meeting is not just that it is for something needed, you sometimes, and sometimes completely different people?
In his mad pride and blindness, you reject dozens of outstretched hand of friendship to you, shoulder the burden unbearable, and then MCIT, fiercely and uncompromisingly, her husband …
Did it ever occur to you that he – not a psychic, that he can not read your mind and desire to solve? Something that is obvious and natural for you, can be completely incomprehensible to him? What you first need to learn to just translate it to your language, and vice versa?
I know you now vskineshsya, as usual: “What, I should now like to spell it all a little? No way! “. Well, kid, it’s your business. But only if you really want peace and vzaimponimaniya in the family, you want to have your children had a father, a real, adult responsible man, then expound will, and praise him for every little lead him to know that for you (this is for you!) it is important, and expensive, and that you are incredibly appreciate any sign of attention.
And in general, what do you think she married a spoiled boy, accustomed to constant maternal adoration, and in the house the finger did not hit on the finger? Really I am hoping that your wedding will be the magical event that will change magically deep infantile nabalovannogo family prince? As for you people abandon what it lovingly nurtured good quarter of a century, or even more?
My friend, it is necessary to educate the husband, no less than the child. And the fairy-tale prince from heaven we do not fall. As long as your husband next to you will not feel yourself really advocate, responsible for everything that happens in the house, and so he will run from problems, disappearing at work, the extra lessons, in short, where his love and appreciate.
Yes, Alenka, want to charge her husband – to work at first, did a good job. So he ceased to be afraid to come home to not expect daily pilezhki and complaints to see that he pleased and the house – it’s really warm, cozy, safe home. And the wife of the difficulties will understand and support, not uderet taxi to the mother – to deal with, say, as you know yourself.
You’re going through, why would he need that much time to deal with other people’s children, when his full house. Did you ever think that marriage is not only necessary to receive, but also to give? Yes, you give – love, support, recognition. And if this is your husband just does not get you, you will look on the side of the compensation, which he sorely lacking.
Have you got used to the fact that everything always worn with you – and my mother and father and husband first. Well you do not know how to love myself, do not know how to give and support. But to teach another person only by example. Do you want to get something from her husband – first learn to love him the way he needs to give him a feeling of relevance and the importance of home.
If you want, I’ll call you one your little secret? You’re like most of us, the naive romantic little girls, secretly dream of that husband guessed your wishes, he rushed to offer help even before you asked about it directly, right?
Let us remember how to build your last conversation. “I need a doctor” – you say, deep down hoping that her husband immediately offer to sit with the children. But your husband a logic of its own, and the considerations to be taken into account very, very different. You need his involvement in the situation, because it is a sign of his love and care for you, right? He immediately recalled that this time – working, that in order to let you go to the doctor, he needs to take time off from work, change your business schedule, create a nuisance for a number of related people. But, by the way, it is this work and all the feeds you …
So from the point of view of man’s logic the simplest and best solution would be to offer you ask for help mom or neighbor, the women do not work, and no obligation is not related. That predlaget you the perfect husband with a male point of view the solution, which does not suffer from the source of your well-being and create discomfort for the minimum number of people. You know, in my opinion, this is not the worst option, especially because her husband did not withdrew, did not give up the conversation, simply offered a solution, in accordance with its own logic, not yours ..
But I’m quite sure that if you openly say, Vasya, that in any situation you need her husband’s help and only his, because in this particular situation, it is absolutely indispensable that you need his strength, experience, reliability, I’m sure he will be only too happy to help you without the involvement of outsiders.
And yet, I can tell you a little secret? Men love to hear about how we love them, it is true-true. They are our affectionate and sweet words are essential. I assure you, a sincere smile, joy, words of love is much more truly attract your husband to the house than any reproaches, grievances and complaints.
Yes, all of us one way or another with this encounter. Our in-law themselves in the life of a little of that good kind, sons tried to create a better life and raised us to the joy of a whole generation of infantile boys who are not ready to take responsibility for the family and children. And we do it better? We do exactly the same infantile girls frantically waiting for their husbands really parental care and relief from problems and difficulties.
Well, what good will happen if two doshkolenka roaring start in the sandbox scoops peel each other’s heads, figuring out who is the worse, and who owes what to whom?
No, friend, this is something we do not fit, trust me … get out of the pit, where you Vasya so quickly broke down, only one way – to take responsibility for themselves. For you – the responsibility for the fact that life is linked with the name of the person, going on about the feelings and never for a moment lost in thought before the wedding, and how it will be a husband and father. But you did not think about it, right? So why is now blame him that he was “not so”, even if you are currently in a shoe shop where you choose a serious and responsible than the father to his children.
You are before the wedding with her husband the future of the children say? As their family responsibilities are distributed – I see? What’s he doing at home or does not – know? Or think about this indecent before the wedding? Worthless terrestrial primitive thoughts cloud the air romantic fantasy? And who told you that my husband must fit into the stereotype of the ideal model, that you came up with yourself? He’s not a doll, not Pinocchio, which can be planed, plasticine man is not easily change shape. He – man, formed long before I met you, something certainly very inflexible (however, as you yourself).
You must understand one simple thing – he did not have to answer your views about it. It is – in itself. And you alone. And began to live together, gradually adjusting to each other, lapping and zashlifovyvaya its roughness, you’re just starting to build that same one flesh, that “the common man”, when one by one, you will feel its incompleteness, and only together, side by side, to feel that here finally you are united, strong, and filled with the very fullness.
But there is no lapping without pain, you know? And it is necessary to be patient and you. What about you? Slightly pinched you – and right in the cry “I do not want to endure! I do not care how others suffer! I want to live easy, pain-free, stress-free. ”
And it does not happen without pain, very, very not happen, believe me. Pain is tempered soul, to clean from all their deposits and debris. You would be better than to blame her husband, thought a little – what do you this situation is given? What you should learn what to fix – in the first place in yourself? You’re here on other people refuse, and why? It’s pride can be, you know? And vanity: “I can do everything myself,” and contempt for other people. Many, many nasties can hide under our obidki. Well you know yourself better than anyone else. Think only fair, right?
And why do you think that the only way to organize your business – the most correct? What lies behind this? Indeed sober analysis – or the desire to command, to boss, lack of respect for the opinion of her husband?
Yes, I am very well aware of how hard for you. My children grew up in the early nineties and without grandparents, without ever lost in the mission of the Pope. And in my hands was a dying mother, and empty shops with cards in the 91-m, and crazy turns, when a baby food had to be recorded in the “tail” with five in the morning and then be from eight to noon, with a sidecar and sweaty screaming child.
And diapers did not exist, and health problems in children – above the roof. And the resentment I had nemeryannom – and her husband, and his fate, and relatives are not willing to help. Everything was … only one point come to understand that if I do I will continue to be angry and offended, then none of our family will not work. The respite has helped – when I got to the second pregnancy to the hospital for safekeeping. That’s where I was, quite the secular young mother, began to think about what they are doing and how their claims only to scare away her husband. We are a lot while talking, and in the letters and meetings. And when I returned home from the hospital, started really slowly, step by step, to build his real family is quite different, not the parent patterns and book stereotypes and seeking its way, albeit sometimes not very similar to the way of others, but our , own way of family.
And most importantly in this way was – remember that first and foremost we wish each other good. Not a favorite, and – the other, to the satellite, which we are consciously chosen you for a lifetime. And yet – take responsibility. Responsibility for everything that happens in life, for how we build it.
Alenka, I know you now most want as has happened many times, I argue that all the work again, I lay on the shoulders of women, and a man like as absolutely nothing to do. And what girlfriend? If our mother in law have failed to educate the sons of men responsible adults, to help them grow can only ourselves.
You must understand, I did not Vasya your excuses. I understand that he has gone, it is easier for the path of least resistance so. But he loves you, loves children, not only knows how to be an adult. So help him, support, do not leave unnoticed any attempt to be a man and the head of the family.
And it offers you the solution, and you’re immediately swept aside. Well, where is the man’s role? Let him take the decision, do not pull the blanket over himself. And you yourself hold it in infantilism, and still want him out of this state he escaped and established himself a grown man. It does not happen, the girl. As long as you have not humbled their pride until they give her husband a man really feel himself, he never grows up.
So here, Baby … Let’s start with you with the most simple. Look around – near the same number of people who help you only joy. Yes, and you give them a great service, between us, find yourself, giving an opportunity to serve one’s neighbor.
Well, who is sick of the fact that the children get accustomed to walking is the grandmother that she offered you help? Or if you skooperiruetes with other moms and will in turn “graze” your malyshatnik?
Any half an hour – an hour, is released in this way – it’s a gift for you the most. Let’s look, and your home as organized? Of course, the clothes ironed, crisp bed linen – it’s all fine and nice. But, hand on heart, and it is terrible if undershirts and t-shirts at your malyshni will neglazhennymi if bedding is also some time be without iron?
Believe me, no one has died, dined twice in a row the same. I’ll tell you a secret, I do all my life patties fry again for the whole week – well, I’m sorry for killing too much time in life, I’m better than my husband and I shall communicate at this time.
Spending a little bit, translate the spirit … Look at you such a charming smile, why are you hiding it from the world? From the mask of universal sorrow? Well, remember something your and only your common favorite. After all, you have also been so many wonderful together, right?
You know how to present your husband smile, your joy from the fact that he came home? Well, I try just once just delighted with the fact that here – it is a home that does not happen any trouble with him. Here it is here with you, and all you need nothing more than …
And you talk to her husband at the end of it all … Just really talk, without your endless “you must” and “I want.” Remember, it’s your husband, beloved father of your children. Does he not deserve a shred of respect? Try to explain what you need his help, why him. And try still to listen, and suddenly his objections have any sense, and your ideas about how things should be done, not only correct?
What wrong with that kid will walk out on the balcony? Between you and me, it even has its own advantages – the higher above the ground, the less fumes. Just try to security was all right, okay? And other things, too, because you can find out what is urgently needed, and that may in fact suffer a bit to a more peaceful time.
In general, try to discern what her husband is not always and not at all wrong, it’s just a different logic, but if you think about it in his proposals usually have a fair rational.
In general, you’re clever, I’m sure you will do it. Just now, you’re tired strongly, that you perceive all this black. And in fact, you’re so happy – and you have a wonderful husband and wonderful kids! And your house will soon be warm and cozy, I’m quite sure. And in a house her husband will want all the running, you’ll see! Be happy!
Author: Tatyana Fedorova, Letters to a Friend. Male – a boy, a man – child?