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Expectant mothers are advised not to worry, but, paradoxically, pregnancy often becomes one of the most disturbing periods in a woman’s life. Fear is a very, very much. Are investigated with the most common ones, along with Oksana Brezhnev , perinatal psychologist, a specialist of the Center of traditional midwifery.

Oksana Brezhnev

Fear №1: «I have something ill – perhaps this is the end.”

Pregnant begin very carefully monitor their condition. Any sickness, any pain – somewhere stab, shot, pulled – cause almost panic. Is it worth to reduce the anxiety or is, on the contrary, correctly – so carefully monitor your condition? Where is the line between hypochondria and care about their own body?

There must be a happy medium. It does not pay attention to what happens to the body properly. But, of course, run to the doctor for each “creaking” in the body – also the wrong strategy: this alarm borders on the neurotic state. We all sometimes things hurt, and pregnant – is no exception. Well, when a woman on your own feelings can track level, what really needs attention and comments of experts.

In general, the greater the fear peculiar to the first trimester. The woman understands and feels that her life is now came another period. And he begins to worry more. This is quite natural. Usually when a woman becomes pregnant, the first thing she goes to the doctor, it is registered and engaged in the medical aspect of your health: hands over analyzes,

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makes ultrasound.

But often we forget that a woman is changing not only physiological, but also psychological. If a woman sees physiological changes (increases stomach, breast changes), the psychological changes, mood changes under the influence of hormones, a woman “feel” can not.

How to reduce anxiety? It all depends on the woman. Someone quite logical explanation: “With me there is a change, and I understand that it’s okay, it’s only natural.” There are women, which is not enough, and more than that, their is not calm. In this case, well, if possible, to call for help to the future Pope. A woman needs more attention, care, custody, and the man – just the kind of person who can provide it all. Therefore, if he would give her a chance to talk, kiss, pat, it will be very useful.

Can help breathing techniques, relaxation exercises, if a woman is suitable. Well take a warm bath with essential oils, listen to music. The main objective in this case – to relax, because the alarm – this tension.

Fear №2: «I’m fat and horrible.”

Another fear is associated with appearance. Women fear that podurneyut that they could not get back into shape, will not be able to wear your favorite things will not like her husband. Better tune in to something to accept these changes during pregnancy or to console themselves with the fact that this is a temporary condition, and then everything will return to normal and it is better to endure 9 months?

For the fear associated with the appearance, usually lies more. If a woman desires pregnancy, if its dominant – the future baby, then it is unlikely there will be the idea that the body is something wrong. She, on the contrary, would like that it is rounded, because weight gain – it is physiologically normal process. If the woman has the idea that it is somehow wrong looks, then at this point it is worth to try to switch to the thoughts of the baby, and that these changes are provided by nature for the growth and development of the baby. After all, pregnancy is impossible without it.

Therefore, women are the problem here – not to pay attention to what is happening to her body, and then, why it is needed and to adopt these changes. Switch on the child. For him it is important that the body is.

And use more positive language. Change: “I have recovered and will not fit in your jeans” to “Now I have to update your wardrobe!”

And of course, I again appeal to husbands. We strongly recommend that future popes say what a beautiful wife and her tummy colors. Only it should be sincere. It is important to contact a pair of spouses to be honest with themselves and each other.

Fear №3: «My child will be born with abnormalities.”

During pregnancy, many people afraid of screenings, especially in view of the large number of articles with alarming statistics. Should a woman to read them to realistically assess the situation and possible complications or better not to get involved in the medical literature, intended for professionals? How to stop being afraid and do not live on the US to US?

The less information, so we are afraid. If I get an explanation of anything, it makes me feel better. Imagine a dark room. Light off, I do not know what it is, I’m scared to go into it. As soon as I find out that it has a bed and a wardrobe, and where they are, then it becomes clear to me, how it moved, so as not to break his forehead. The information appeared, less anxiety, less fear. But this information should be dosed and tested. That is, read everything not worth it. Read is the fact that, for example, recommend your doctor that you trust. And this is not usually the medical literature, and information about what changes are taking place with a pregnant woman.

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If a woman knows what’s going on with her body as the baby develops, the degree of anxiety will decrease. But it is important to protect yourself from unnecessary information. If a woman is worrying and trying on each situation, then it is better not to read the forums and communities for pregnant women. Internet resources have to choose proven where experts write articles. Very good to visit all sorts of courses for pregnant women, which are the same women with similar issues, where there is an opportunity to plunge into the appropriate atmosphere and direct your attention to something that will provide security and comfort.

Fear №4: «Childbirth – is hell”

Many women spend the entire pregnancy in fear of the upcoming birth. Imagine the sea of blood and bones of the mountain, reading stories about childbirth, as it was hurt, etc. Women who have given birth, are afraid to go through the pain again. Can you cope with that fear?

In our culture, there is a setting that childbirth – it hurts. What we have heard about childbirth? “Yes, you still give birth!”, “Why are you crying? How did you give birth, you will be, if it makes you sick? “. Many have heard the like. When it comes time to give birth, all these settings can occur. There is a possibility that they are stronger than anyone, in fact, and will be more anxiety.

It is very important, as the woman adjusts itself. After all the pain – it is the body signal. You can call it pain, but you can use other positively painted words – “intense feelings”, “strong physical experience.” Imagine that you hurt yourself. How do you feel? Do you feel pain – and it’s your body’s voice. The body says, “Did you hurt your finger, and it is necessary to do something – to treat, bandage.” If you do not, then what will happen? You can even bleed. Example exaggerated, but it shows that if we did not feel pain, we would not know how to deal with your body. And so the symptom of pain in childbirth – is a signal that something is happening in the body. When a woman feels contractions, so is labor. Every fight – a step towards your baby to you. Quest is not an enemy, and the assistant. If you are aware of this prior to delivery, then at birth will be easier. If every fight will be perceived as the enemy, as it were, a signal the body – not to give birth.

It is important to change its attitude towards childbirth: it is not “the horror, the horror” and a normal physiological process. If a woman’s body could become pregnant and bear a child, so he could have it and! Nature provides everything, otherwise there can not be.

But we must remember that the birth – this effort, it is work. If a woman goes into labor with the attitude that everything will be easy – it is also dangerous, because it is false expectations. If she thinks that everything will happen by itself, for instant magic wand, when she realizes that she will work, it may not be enough ready to leave.

In addition, a woman may be afraid that will not cope, or that things do not go according to her script. But it must be understood that there is no script in childbirth. It is a process. Everyone goes through it in their own way, and even the next generations in the same women will also be some other.

Often when women plan births, they think that the birth – it is the final stretch, the apogee of all that has happened since the conception. In fact, with all sorts just to begin. Baby was born, and will have all the fun. Therefore, labor should be seen as one of the stages of love with your child.

As for stories about childbirth in the forums, it is necessary to bear in mind that they often write those who had a negative experience. It’s like a holiday if you are well rested, whether you wish to sit down and write on the site of this hotel, which was amazing? Maybe it will, but rather one in ten would do it. And if you do not like it, then most likely, you come home and the first thing will paint as they were disgusting. Same with childbirth. Women write, do not go to the hospital, do not go to this doctor. Or maybe it was not in the hospital or a doctor. Information from the forums is very questionable in this regard. I would highly recommend to women to attend training courses for childbirth, where you get a really valuable advice. Also, these courses show breathing techniques, postures, are taught how to help yourself during labor.

Fear №5: «I would be a bad mother”

During pregnancy, many women worry that they can not become good mothers, as both society and women themselves to impose this role is very demanding. It starts often still at the stage of selection of things for the future of the child, when my mother tries to find the perfect crib mattress with a perfect, ideal toys, developing from birth …

It’s no secret that the ideal does not exist. Ideal does not exist in motherhood, or in fashion, nothing else. We are committed to the ideal, but where is he? Who said that it is so necessary? The British pediatrician and psychologist Donald Woods Winnicott have a good concept of “devoted mother” a good enough mother. We can not be perfect, we are all human, and we all commit mistakes, and experience different emotions.

A woman should think about what she wants to be perfect? It raises their self-esteem, trying to conform to the status or she wants the baby was happy and lived a happy childhood? Children need a little bit. When communication has been established, then watching the baby, you can always understand what he likes, what is interesting. And to offer. Giving him the opportunity of their own development, so that he could be interested in the outside world to his area of games was not only my mother provided. Now you and he lays out blocks, draw, and then something else. Do not decide for it all. Allow the child and to find something to do. He’ll be fine! Believe it!

When we talk about the choice of strollers, cribs, here we return to the same dominant mothers. Why did I give birth? To put it in the most beautiful carriage? Or for some other reason? Women often worry that do not have time to finish the repairs, the stroller to buy, something else did not have time. Here, the answer is simple. the first few months after birth is not important for your baby. He does not care whether you have cleaned the floor, washed dishes you have, whether you have time to cook dinner for her husband. He was the main thing that my mother at the right time it took to handle, kissing, he got the desired contact, got warm, it just fed, changed diapers, he dryly, comfortably.

U-grudnichka baby in the first months of life only a few requirements: to be fed, be clean, be healthy (no pain) to be in a comfortable atmosphere (it was warm). And the fifth time, which sometimes do not realize – emotional contact. He must miss the closeness with his mother. Mom seems that in 2 months the baby does not understand, and can not devote sufficient attention to this, but he does not understand you verbally, and emotionally very aware he feels you, and it’s important to him. So that the child needs you, not cool stroller. And everything else will be like, so buy buy, you do not have time to time – do not worry.

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Fear №6: «Stress will affect the child ‘

As mothers anxiety affects the baby? No wonder that advise pregnant women not to worry. And often added to the fears of women still fear and stress harm the baby.

What is anxiety? This emotional stress. If there is emotional stress, physical stress that is likely to come too. Where you have a weak spot, and come back. How emotional state affects the psyche of the child? If mom is constantly anxious, the child, of course, feel it, because he is with his mother one body. And if a woman even realizes that it is happening at this moment, the baby in the tummy is not the explanation, it just feels anxiety. To say that it is good, we can not.

What can a mother? Talk with your baby. It is desirable that this conversation was loud. Share, for what reason she was worried. It has a therapeutic effect: the woman herself to calm down, because I will speak my problem, and the baby, too, to relax.

There are unpleasant situations: a woman quarrel with her husband, quarreling with concierge, still something to upset her. After all, a pregnant woman can easily upset. How does this affect the child? Yes, the child experiences the same feelings again, because you have with him a body, but you’re not a robot, you’re the same person. You can not 9 months did not experience feelings of irritation, anger, aggression. If this happens, just tell your child what happened. Reassure him, say I love you, the world is safe, but anything may happen and this also. When a child comes into this world, sooner or later he will meet with negative feelings. The experience of these feelings at the stage of fetal development – a kind of stage of preparation. But, of course, it is important that negative emotions were much less than positive. And if you’re faced with negativity, then calm yourself, calm your baby, go to the beloved husband, let him hug and kiss.

Fear №7: «My husband left me”

We are not the first time talking about the crucial role of the husband. One of the main fears – coming changes in family life. What can be done to preserve cordial relations in the family in a situation where a life so radically changed?

The first thing I want to point out – women misconceptions about what sex life in pregnancy is terminated. In fact, an intimate relationship does not end there, if this is not medically necessary, if you doctor has forbidden it for some reason – and this is usually temporary. Sometimes it happens in men fear more than women – are afraid that sex somehow hurt the baby. But this man should provide more information about what it does not affect the baby. All safe, nature provided, although, of course, the sex life during pregnancy varies, tummy will dictate certain conditions.

There is another misconception that if a man went to his wife’s labor, between them lost sexual contact. Nothing is lost if both partners are aware of the reasons why they are in a partnership delivery. Ask yourself the question: why do you need it in childbirth: you want to support, or “let’s see how I suffer?” If the second option, it is not necessary. You will play the role of martyr, and to give birth who will?

Actually, I’m a big supporter of the partnership delivery. But if they are good when both paired ready. If both understand what it is and what their role – a woman gives birth, and the man supports and helps. No problem to a couple at birth had up to the end together. Men Women are most needed in the battles. In the second stage, in the bearing-down period, helping the midwife. Here, help and support men are not so significant. Wants – let remains, holding the handle is at the head. And, of course, it’s great when the baby has already been born, and next to my mother, and father.

If the couple has decided to go into partnership birth, man is also highly recommended to visit the training courses for childbirth, to know what to expect.

As for how not to lose the contact with the man in the postpartum period – a common question of couples. It is very important the position of the man and his involvement in what is happening.

Here we come back to awareness. Women need support and assistance, it gives a man. He, too, is included in the child’s life, interested in helping. Maybe he was not so immersed in the topic of feeding, diapers and diaper, as a mom, but he understands what’s going on with your child. Men should remember that the first time after the birth mother with a toddler learning to communicate is already in outer space, but not in the stomach, and this takes time, and support for women.

And after the birth, the woman is not “gone” on the baby in three years, and the man did not live his life, it makes sense to spend time together. For example, six months old, you can be away for a couple of hours together in a movie, leaving the child with her grandmother. And it will be only your walk. You can go to drink tea in a nearby cafe. When you were alone, you are talking about yourself and what is happening to you, what you want to share. Remember how you went on vacation. Plan something enjoyable for both of you.

Sometimes, when the baby is born (and even at the stage of pregnancy), the couple begins to call each other “mom” and “dad”. There is nothing unnatural when you do it in the presence of a child. But if you went to the movies, and your husband, buying tickets, asks, “Mommy, on a number, we will sit down” – here is already thinking about the consequences. When you are alone with each other, remember that you are not just mom and dad, but also love each other man and woman.

But this, of course, is not about to run out on a date right after the hospital. Everything has its time.

Fear №8: «Goodbye, career ‘

Often a woman is afraid that after the birth of a child have to put an end to a career in the realization. Many are afraid of the lack of freedom, when a woman ceases to belong to himself, can not dispose of his time.

To prepare for this change, I still recommend that when you are planning a pregnancy, but not when you have a baby. Awareness of the woman that her life will change, it is very important. If we understand what is waiting for me, which I do, then parenthood will be much more aware.

And the man and the woman must understand that for some time the woman will not be able, for example, to contribute financially to the family, because it will be with the child at home the first one and a half to three years, and be ready for this. For those women who worry that will not disregard their job (career), can be explained as follows: the child is now for you is important if you want your main “business project” (forgive me, kids!). You are a woman, and you are all his activity are pointing in that direction.

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Awareness training for parenthood lies in the fact that you are already at the stage of pregnancy are communicating with the child and lay something in it. Then, when the baby is born, you introduce him to this world. And how you do it and do there (or their careers do), will depend on how your child will go further in life. Of course, human life depends not only on the mom and dad, but their role is very great, especially in childhood. Therefore it is very important to be included in the process of development of the baby during the first years of his life. Remember that time will come, and your role in the child’s life will decrease a little, it will be required the following stages of socialization (eg, kindergarten), and then you quietly go to your favorite work.

A child is separated from his mother from birth (physiological section). Task mother – not to keep, but to help (as in childbirth), when the time comes. When you need your child – be there. And when you hear the first “I myself” – so he give him a chance to try. If you will hear and listen to their crumbs, and at the right time he will not interfere with the show itself, then in its infancy and not bury it, and get back to work on time.

And finally …

Summing up, I want to note that if you can not deal with some of these fears yourself, you can always seek help from a specialist – psychotherapist or perinatal psychologist who will help you to deal with their causes and reduce their impact on your physical and psychological condition in such an important period of his life – a child waiting time. Happy motherhood!

Interview Alain Khmilevskaya

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