Being a child or another leader?

And maybe nothing at all to prohibit? Arrange a family commune where everyone is equal? Unfortunately no. Farewell to Utopia. Being a parent who does not prohibit or controls – is not an option. In our complex world, it is equivalent to leaving the child without protection.

Though like in appearance – what could be more beautiful than the “parent one”! You call my mother by name, it does not and agrees with all of nothing – you are the most happy baby! According Petranovskoy, things are not so simple. This liberal approach was born in the second half of the XX century as a reaction to the pre-war authoritarian model of the family where the child has not received any warmth and understanding. But it turned out that children raised “parents-friends”, anxiety and insecurity.

“The child will be equally scary and bad with both parents infantile, helpless, and the harsh, is not sensitive to the needs of the child.”

The family should be a hierarchy, and how to understand a parent has been – it has to be paramount. It is normal – and the main thing that a parent must also realize that this is normal. Otherwise, there are the inevitable aggressive breakdowns:

“If a parent does not feel right to ban, if it is not in a dominant responsible role, it must, in order to prevent,” raskochegarit “angry: I did not just forbid you, but because you’re bad, you’re to blame. “You only have to watch cartoons forever! You really strayed from the hands! Are not you ashamed to be capriciousa big boy! “And all that sort of thing. And immediately the ban ceases to be protecting and caring behavior, it is perceived by the child as an attack, causing resentment. “

That is, the “parent one” is not able to easily feel comfortable in a situation of conflict – and conflict inevitably turns into a battle of “friends” in the sandbox.

Children’s tantrums: regret or “not to succumb to manipulation”?

Many believe that children scandals, because they are too pampered attention. And so in any case it is impossible to indulge them. Nothing of the sort, just the opposite – says Petranovskaya. Tantrum – a way to somehow attract the attention of busy parents forever.

“If the child is not confident in his adulthood, his affection, it will seek to confirm the connection, strive to preserve and strengthen it at all costs.”

Therefore, the main prevention hysterics – to love, hug, to wear on your hands, praise. In general, do everything that the child did not have to resort to extreme methods to attract attention. The hysterical child – a child nedolyublennosti and not spoiled.

In many traditional cultures of all babies spend the first year of life clinging to the mother, she is holding a child in her arms, or is tied at the back. Feed, not looking up from his affairs, sleeping with the baby, too. If it were to “pamper, train ‘fears were true, their children would have almost to adulthood insist that they wear. However, observations suggest exactly the opposite: these kids are much more self-sufficient and independent in two years than their urban peers. They tend not to whine, moan, constantly tugging mother and “hang” on it, they are full of joyful curiosity and did not look like “spoiled.” And the children of modern cities, which is very afraid of “train to the hands”, or whose mothers could not be insatiable demand attention adult with them, capricious, harassed parents of his eternal discontent and stickiness. “

The child is fighting for the attention of their parents – and, therefore, whining, capricious, bullies and even sick. And all because he feels “attachment hunger.” And if it does not meet, it will get worse and worse. Affection – an organic, instinctive need of the child. Do not satisfy it, so as not to spoil, – it’s like a hungry child not to give to eat, because it asks too loudly!

“According to this principle formed a stable moody, dependent behavior: if the child often feels that the adult is not up to him, he can not relax, all the time he needs to be alert, check the strength of the bond. Parents are tired, irritated, surrounding them assure that the child is “too spoiled”, they begin to be strict, “do not go on about”and the case is even worse because he is frightened more and more desperately struggling. A vicious circle, in which all the miserable and unhappy. “

In short, you want to grow rebellious, nervous and embittered child? No problem. Just not “indulge” him.

“The readiness of the child is determined not to listen to lecturing and teaching, not punishment and prizes, and the quality of attachment.”

Praise or be stricter?

And here we come to the main theme of the book – “affection in a child’s life.” Petranovskaya sure that the main purpose of your relationship with the child – not “education”, not “learning”, namely the formation of attachment. That is, to put it simply, your goal – to build a trusting relationship with the child. And although it would seem, to love my mother for the child of course, but in this unnatural world, as always, it’s complicated. And parents sometimes manage their “education” is completely trample the attachment in the child’s soul.

In Russia this problem, according to Petranovskoy, is very serious. Our mothers and grandmothers were brought up in the atmosphere, which can not be spoiled, “a cry developed lightweight” and carry on “posture worsened child ‘hands. We do a “territory with a deficit of positive attention to the children.” First Russian women simply stopped their horses at full gallop, and then put out of the hut, but in the end they still drove to the factories for the complete “liberation.” You understand: with the child around the neck or in a burning house or a factory. So in our country, “strong and independent” motherly love and tenderness – it is almost terra incognita. It is necessary to learn from the experts.

For example, learn to “positive mirroring” and “containment.”

“Positive mirroring” – all these “Uchi-way!”, “How to eat well”, “well done which, he drank!”, “You are my best!”. And also: “What is this? And, baby … What a beautiful zaaaaayka! “- In response to the chaotic interweaving of pencil lines. In short, continuous baby talk and indulging in the understanding of women born in the Soviet Union – that is why we are so surprised, getting into the country, where the children admired by all passers-by, that is, where there is no shortage of positive attention to children, as in Russia.

If the child is a child lacks positive mirroring, if only constantly evaluate ( “Troyak ?! And that you, an excellent pupil, shame!”) – From the child grows depressed and insecure adult who depends on other people’s opinions, because that in due time have not received confirmation from the mother love. That puts every step in Instagram searching likes – read, “in anticipation of a positive mirroring.” To someone, finally, it appreciated and loved, just as a child did not do parents.

So when a child something happened, and he runs to you for comfort, – it is not necessary to “educate” in the spirit “well, here again, your own fault, yazhegovorila” – just hug him, pity and reassurance. Even if he lied – he probably did it to please mom, hug him, explain your feelings, talk to him. Do not be afraid to “spoil”: so we can help your child cope with stress – this is called “containment” or return to the “mental womb.” Thus, we show that explore the world and make mistakes – it’s normal and nothing to worry about, because it should not be an immediate punishment for the error, and the mother continues to love us. This behavior forms of parental love that same “secret support”, which is taken out in the title of the book. And we have hard life for those who have no such support.

“It seems to us that those who seasoned adversity from childhood, will be better able to deal with them later. This is not true. Studies show that better cope with the difficulties of those who have had a happy childhood and a happy family. Their psyche has a margin of safety, to stress it retains the ability to be flexible and resourceful, they seek help and are able to console themselves. “

By the way, that man “is not emotional,” and do not understand women – is, according to Petranovskoy, social skill. I have long suspected this, but here, at last, found a scientific explanation. Just their childhood is not “to contain”: in response to their grief they were told: “Do not roar like a girl!”. They had not been comforted – and they do not learn to comfort. And then learn by just reading books. However, like many of the young mother, who as a child, too, is not very spoiled sympathy.

Understanding the role of “positive mirroring” in a child’s development, we can appreciate how important it is psychological, the emotional state of the mother during this time. Her illness, fatigue, conflicts with her husband, fear of the future can lead to the fact that caring for the baby she can, and positively otzerkalivatno. Therefore, the best thing they can do for the baby of the family members, loved onesto help his mother to be relaxed, calm, happy, and be carried out in communion with the child more time. It is better not to sit instead with your child and take care of itself: free from household chores, tasty feed, a massage, a bath filled with fragrant. When my mother she feels good, she will communicate with the child naturally and with pleasure. 

To achieve results, or let it go?

Kindergarten and school Petranovskaya sees as a necessary evil. She believes that we should not overestimate their role in socialization, or even in training. The most important skills a child receives when communicating within the family. Razvivashki in kindergarten – also nothing compared to my mother’s attention. In secondary school learn nothing is impossible, because there are dull and constant stress (not because if after the control, and even more so after graduation all “knowledge” as quickly erode from the head?) If so, you give the child to public school, you need to help him through this period, referring to the irony and skepticism to all these two, and parent meetings. At least not to feed the relationship with their child “Moloch compulsory education”, says Petranovskaya.

It is not surprising that the child is not in school – school simply does not meet the child’s educational needs. Do not be surprised and “bad company”, where the teenager is looking for teachers of life, because “adults put into his hand a stone instead of bread compulsory education of the training” . In addition, if the child was under the bad influence, it means, is that you do not have influence on it – and he is looking for understanding, intimacy and acceptance on the side.

So what do you do to still raise a child smart, successful, well-socialized man?

First of all, just love it. This will allow the child to grow up happy, satisfied, open – and as a result, success in life.


“Empathy and reflectionimportant components of emotional and social intelligence, and they determine the quality of life is much more than academic achievement.”

According to psychologists, a child has an organic need to “own” adult. Why not work a utopian idea to withdraw children from the family and bring them some institution harmoniously and correctly. Here we are the people – the owners. We need to learn to love certain people and learn to love yourself, feeling that we too love and accept. This experience of love – the base. And that is exactly what must first develop a child’s parent. All other razvivashki – secondary.

“Today, many” educational methods “turned into brands with a fairly aggressive marketing policy, parents strongly told that you need to invest in a child now, and it will be too late, and he will be deprived of the finest prospects, his career is ruined, it will only have a lifetime to vegetate among outsiders. To avoid this from happening to your childpromptly buy this book, this technique pay these classes. “

That is, you understand, right? No one will teach you to give the child love, because it is – free. Your love is free – in the sense that it will not give money to producers of plastic “children’s happiness.” But your love is very dear child. This is exactly the case when clearly shows that peace is more important than material wealth far. Better to buy clothes at second-hand, and to spend more time with the child than to disappear at work to buy him all the coolest and “make the baby happy.” The most valuable thing you can give – it’s your time, attention and love.

“The child refugees who were left without a stake, and the yard, visited by shelling and experienced lack of food, live in a camp for displaced people, not knowing what happened to them will happen next, it may be serenely happy if parents are with him and do not lose their presence of mind. Conversely, a child living in an expensive rich house, with the best material conditions, which is in total safety, can not be quite well-being, because the pope business and the mistress, and at home he almost never happens, my mother depressed, and had already once I tried to drink a package of sleeping pills, and a toddler engaged constantly changing nannies and maids. And it was he, and not his own age from refugee families has every chance of a neurosis, enuresis, atopic dermatitis and other severe consequences of prolonged stress ” .

So that no elite tutors and expensive clubs will not be able to give the child that can give mom.

Do not “educational methods”, and the relationship with the parents give their children the best start in life.

Moreover, the abundance of “developing techniques” gives a good chance to raise a child spiritually rich, but mentally ill. That is very poorly socialized. For some reason I immediately remembered the story of the young genius, who, as adults, do not become adult geniuses – they become dull social phobia, unable to communicate normally with people.

Petranovskaya, by the way, and says that love is not only important for the development of emotional intelligence, but also for the development of rational intelligence. You can not normally learn, if you do not like. That abandoned children lagging behind in development, often blamed on poor genetics and “mothers-alcoholics.” But it is not in the genes: these children simply nobody likes. Stress blocks their ability to learn. Once in a loving family, most of them quickly get rid of “diagnosis” (read – the stigma) and become quite the smartest children.

For home children the same principle: the more you yelling at your child for bad do the math, the less he understands the math. Because all of his strength goes out to fight stress.

If you are struggling to “develop” the child, not letting him play safely – his intelligence is not developed, and braked. And in general, according to Petranovskoy, “the best thing we can do for the development of their children at a tender agenot to interfere with them to play.”

If so, you certainly want to develop a child’s interest in something, it will only help your example, which he gladly followed. Do not be surprised that a child can not read, if he had never seen you with a book.

If you need the results of the child, that he was sure to “faster, higher, stronger” – get ready for the fact that he grew up demotivated, heartless, and nervous, because he was not allowed to be yourself, do not take him and his needs were not interested. Despite the fact that the “here and now” you wonder-child who can brag to your friends.

Some of the children even come to the conclusion that” engaged “this is the only possible pastime with their parents. The rest of the parents are not interested, just to explain, develop, train. I want to get my mother at least for half an hour a daydepicting interest in studies. Then my mother said that “her child always enjoys, and even the asking.” Still would. Mom wantand not fall in love. At the tender age of the child are usually not able to resist, he will try to please their parents. And at the same time to learn that you yourself, your desires, your needs are not important, important is the result, achievement, success, place in the competition. ” 

As you can see, to be a loving mother is not so simple. Really loving, not outstanding Jesuit maxim in the spirit of: “Am I torturing you, because well, sooo much and you want only the best!”. You remember how you felt when you child is saying? In general – do not be so.

In a nutshell, the recipe Petranovskoy – less lecturing and more hugs. And the rest will follow.