Sometimes you hear from clients: “You child psychologist? Give me a certificate that the child will be with me better than my husband / wife. ”
I can not give such a statement. And no one can. Children need both parents, it is a truism. Still, every month my phone is ringing or chirping mail: “Confirm that I am – better.” What ‘ex-husband does not see the children, “that” I can take them home to my mother “(father’s request) or” abroad to her new husband “(aria mother).
What if this child feels like his heart is torn – the impression that no one is interested. It is more important to prove their case.
WHAT CHILD FEELS
Let’s start with the fact that in our culture totally accepted that children took part in the discussion of their changed lives. Typically, a child with a fait accompli, and God forbid that parents have the courage and wisdom to inform children at least to some civilized manner: “You know, dear, you probably noticed that we quarrel a lot lately. We decided that we should live separately, so you’ll stay with my mom (or dad) in my room and in my house, and my father (mother) will live elsewhere. And it will come to you … “.
Despite the fact that the child psychologists have written just kilometers texts about how to divorce, in practice, we see only two scenarios.
The first scenario
Six months in the house increases the voltage, Dad comes home all later, my mother cries at night in the kitchen, children get sick, because do not understand anything and worry. One day Mom takes the kids and leaves for the weekend to her mother or to her friend, and when it returned home, Dad’s things anymore. On the question of children all answered evasively, the phone does not suit Dad.
A few weeks later Dad appears, pronounce the phrase about the “live separately”, and children are encouraged to silently accept a fait accompli: parents separated. You can change the “Daddy” to “mother” – the essence does not change.
Sharp, bright, sometimes armed conflict between the parents, altercation, mutual accusations, insults. If there are “other woman” – this too loudly discussed with all the friends, neighbors and relatives. If the reason for the differences is some other, then it is also known to all who have ears and eyes (a social network for what?). When, finally, the decision of the junction, it brings relief, children are not so much worried, but still quite traumatized.
In “peaceful” divorce usually we see in children syndrome “often ill child” – the endless SARS, snot-cough, very often – otitis, sometimes with skin problems. “Loud” divorce is accompanied by gastritis, ear infections and sore throats. When life comes to normal, the child can produce strange bouts of vomiting, for example, after visiting his father. Or he would have a headache every time my mother talking on the phone, discussing the deceased spouse.
The main problem is that the child is now trying to solve: how to remain faithful and dad and mom? Typically, the parent with whom the child is, by default, as it were “more right”, he often sees himself as a victim of the treacherous wife. And waiting for the child’s support and understanding. Waiting for the child will be on his side, will take him right. And the judge, the other, poor.
Even a very intelligent, well-mannered and humane people can not help to make a child “a wise and fair” judge. They gazed into the face, looking for signs that the baby is satisfied and happy, meticulously questioned him after his return “from behind the front line”: “And what did you do? And where you were? And than you Dad fed? Were you alone or with your aunt? ”
And it’s still a decent layout. In fact, very few people can resist the temptation to open the eyes to the child of the true face of the second parent. It is not thinking about the fact that each person identifies himself as “the son / daughter of so and so and So and so.” And if the child learns that his father – a monster, a goat and a freak, and his mother – a fool, slut or a fat cow, how he identifies himself?
When the divorce has already taken place and passion pouleglis, it turns out that the parents separated, not only because one of them happened to a large and bright feeling. What there is a whole bunch of disagreements on key issues, the main one being – how to raise a child.
WHOSE BUD IN THE FOREST?
Life baby consists of many small and specific actions: sleep, feeding, walking, occupation, education, and entertainment. And usually the order and the choice of the default action implements and controls mom. Well, so it happened, even from infancy. A father’s function for the time – follow these guidelines. And while the couple lives in love and harmony, there are no problems. Or almost none.
At the time of divorce suddenly it turns out that the Pope has here where the stately festivities in the park, but in fact he would like to (ideally) do not go anywhere, and at the very least – take the child to the playground with animators, and to sit with a cup of coffee outside.
All of this speaks loudly and with expression, sometimes even in the presence of a child. Who stands between father and mother, bewildered, frightened, stunned, not understanding what is happening and how to be.
In addition, in the heat of polemic one or the other parent loudly ask: “Well, tell me what do you like more – to ride with dad on the map or with her mother on horses?” Yes, he does not care. And as good and bad that way. If a whole day is devoted only to him, if he is waiting for these meetings if was adjusted have a certain harmony, fit any layout, as long as it was consistent and clear.
But my mother did not like this circuit. The most common complaint of divorced moms: I’m here with him install discipline, forced to do homework, bathe, I took away the plate and drive to sleep. And Dad had a solid holiday and vacation!
It’s a shame, who argues. A woman can feel trapped, she linked the parental commitment is much stronger than a man who thought in this situation as “free”, while his wife is “thrown”. In a lonely man suddenly found many advantages, ranging from leisure time and ending with free money. Especially important for the (relatively speaking) left hand to prove to themselves and others that it is – right. In the. It is better to take care of children, it is closer to them, nights not sleeping and not a piece eats. Especially since it’s almost true.
Even if no words are not pronounced, the stress associated with releasing the child to the other parent, hanging in the air, and the children of his great catch. In fact, not only possible traumatic way can be: children spend the weekend with his father and mother at this time resting and are engaged. Then she can with a light heart to bless them for fun and do not think that it is then it will have to rake the consequences.
“He took them into the woods on the barbecue, and they returned without the jacket, because the son leaned against the brazier and the jacket was burned.
Every time they come back from his grandmother, their stomachs hurt and the head because she feeds them very bold and sweet.
I am a hundred times to say that it is not necessary to carry his son into an entertainment center, he gets sick every time after that. And who takes sick? ”
All the claims – about one and the same: the other parent violates the rules set by the first. Sometimes surreptitiously, sometimes openly. One way or another, but it sounds the theme of power. The child of these games is very bad. Abandon coveted entertainment no strength, and agreeing to the proposal “a little bit to break the rules,” he becomes an accomplice of the crime. Very kid did not even understand what it is drawn, but feels hostility between parents and suffering.
The basic rule of conduct of any war: to remove civilians from the battlefield. In other words, the spouses can as much as necessary to fight each other, but without dragging the children into their adult disassembly.
Yes, this is not the binomial theorem, but let’s be honest: when you make expressive eyes, meeting ugvazdannogo ice cream baby after a walk with Dad – what is this? This is a signal to him: “My mother is dissatisfied, we had great fun with my dad.”
One of the best tips on this subject gave me the psychoanalyst Maria Timofeeva. Many years ago, I just went crazy from anxiety, sending two children with ex-husband at sea, she told me: “Kate, he’s their father. Do you think he really wants to harm them? “And I once breathed and relaxed. He really their father. And once you have chosen this man as her husband, and found in it a lot of advantages. And this woman had once seemed to you the best candidate for the role of the mother of your future children. From what is now injured and want to take revenge, for children it is not easier.
Try to let go and bless the children have fun traveling with the former spouse. You will feel better yourself.