The word “sublimation” has become so jaded that even in a strange way to write about this phenomenon. The masses of the people, it is perhaps that laughter and associated with the unfortunate people who suffer from sexual dissatisfaction. Periodically, someone asks how to sublimate sexual energy when it is not possible to realize “this straight right now” acceptable manner.

I want to bring this concept to another level, and introduce you to the thoughts of the French philosopher and psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan. He wonderfully complements Freud, representing the sublimation of a sign of a mature personality and sexuality, this term if linked, strongly indirectly.

And now attention, watch your hands. Do you think that when the young man with pale eyes embarrassed writes poetry and hangs himself on the wall in the social network, trying to cope with the attraction to the beauty of the house in front of Lena, he sublimates? No, that would be too easy. Still, the young poet is useful to us to describe the difference between the work of a healthy person and work of an immature personality.

The collapse of infantile illusions

Let’s start from a distance, with the infant pores. When a baby comes into the world, he does not know how it works, in his mind no words, ideas and constructs, there are no characters and relationships, his feelings are neither conscious nor even sleep. He – a white sheet, feeling at the muscular level, something which has no name and explanation.

But the kid begins to notice that if he brings something uncomfortable, it’s worth it to note that, immediately miraculously all eliminated, and he was back in blissful languor. He was wet, and then do a diaper change. He was hungry, and then by itself materialize food. The kid is in a state of divinity and magic feels like a whole world of infinite, all-powerful and great, he does not feel its boundaries.

Then, after a while, when my mother mastered motherhood and becomes not so alarming, ceases to run headlong to the children of the first cry, the baby is facing the first feeling that something is going wrong. It seems it is the same as before, and the medium kind of hostile. He experiences the infant helplessness bordering on aggression. His omnipotence is threatened, he was afraid, he is captured by destructive feelings.

Of course, these illusions are born from the fact that the baby is very vulnerable and helpless, and the mother does after birth to about 3 years mentally “wears” the child. While formed his physiological systems, it was inside the mother physically. During the development of the mind, he needs a prolonged psychic pregnancy, where the mother takes on the function of the psyche baby as well as at the time it provides its development of the body.

Eventually, when the child begins to grow and mentally, he becomes ready to gradually pick up my mother’s mental functions. It was then that the kid understands that in the world there is another, but first the other does not want to sink in another, it should remain a part of their own child, that is identical, and this must be assigned to, and absorbed. And the other – my mother. Baby tries to make his mother wish belonged entirely to him. He wants to capture all the thoughts, feelings and emotions, ideas, decisions and actions of mothers, for her to become a center to regain the status of the all-powerful, and back to return to the primitive paradise, where there are no worries and stress.

Fortunately, this infantile fantasy can not be implemented, because it contradicts the reality, and when confronted with this fact, through the stress, through the experience of helplessness, through anger, and with the support of the child begins to develop the mother to share myself and my mother, their needs and the needs of others and eventually resigns himself to the fact that the world is so hard.

So I draw your attention to a key point. The kid wants mom had no other desire than to satisfy the desires of the child’s needs. And in the process of development of the baby psyche this stage natural. But it so happens that my mother could not support him during this period. For different reasons. Ill, he was taken to hospital, suffered postpartum depression, was forced to plow in a direct or figuratively. The kid got hurt, which was not compensated for, that is the part of the mother or significant adult has not received a resource that would help to survive the trauma immediately. Thus, in an unconscious baby was born a bunch of “conduct meaningful close – the pain,” which he was unable to share, and carried with them into adulthood.

“Be my sense”

And here, it grows and becomes the most young men of the above verses, and at some point realizes that the mother is not so interesting, much more beautiful Lena. And he wants to possess her and her desire to take over already, be it the meaning of life and satisfy their needs through it. Please note, we are not talking about sexual attraction. It is – only part of our history, not basic, but very clear. So it needs may be different, but the main thing is that it is the woman for the man stands conductor in many spheres of life, where he alone can not cope.

At the heart of love, based on the health needs of the other is the desire of development. Sometimes the opposite need, we often call it codependent. It occurs if the phase separation with an imaginary omnipotence has not been passed, and the other is needed to preserve the internal illusions. So now we know that a woman living with an alcoholic and saving it from all sorts of troubles, not strong. Her weakness is that she is afraid of his own weakness and looking for a partner, where you can realize your omnipotence.

Immediately, I note that the traditional understanding of femininity as a hateful infantile “silly” – also does not force the other side needs to merge and grow. Only the manipulation of “the object of affection,” that is, a grown man, is from the same fantasy that you can behave like a good girl and get my mother and dad’s attention.

It is not difficult to guess that both scenarios are identical – saving helpless partner almighty partner. This family system can live almost indefinitely.

If separation from the parent did not happen

But back to our hero, with the position that we are talking about sublimation. What options are possible relationship with a partner? I think you may have guessed. If phase separation from a parent is passed, if the hero is conscious of itself and other private individual, he no longer dreams that need to be somehow to love it.

That love will not find on the stove, if you do not know how to do something that would interest another. He understands that it is not necessary to change itself, it is not necessary to change the other, it is necessary to create a third thing, around which both will be interesting.

Infantile young man would assume that if he learned gallantly open the door to earn money for a restaurant and a fur coat, I grew a fashionable beard, bought expensive phone, he can already lay claim to success. Maybe yes, the girls with the same level of requests. But all these phones and their beards were not the result of personal informed choice. He has not gone through some sort of tragedy, has not solved some internal conflict to make this behavior is coming from the inside, not just instruction, for which promised that all the girls will be yours.

Fantasy of the adult child lies in the fact that the desire of the other is still possible to capture and merge with it finally in unison codependency, to control another, to become the meaning of life of another. And when that desire will be captured, you can do nothing else, and complacent. All the same, he’s my, she still mine. He to me is not going anywhere.

The clinical manifestations, for example, people simply do not see the difference between their wants and desires of the other. It can be committed violent actions against any innocent women. Because the abuser truly believes that if he wants his wish at the same time, and if a woman suddenly starts to fight, scream, resist, he does not understand and can sincerely treat it as “oh, fills his worth.”

But between the desire of another adult and his own is a big difference. It can not be obtained through manipulation, and more mature than the other is, the less he will resist these manipulations. Yes, you can drag into another relationship, threatening to commit suicide, or, on the contrary, playing the ideal partner, but such a relationship will fail as soon as the show up the real motives.

Oh, how many stories told around. When men are being drawn into relationships through pregnancy, but they still go, ungrateful. When seduce, fattened, trying to be for the time being comfortable when the load with presents or gifts women cling to the hook of guilt, shame, or play in a lifeguard. But the relationship is not, because the other is still perceived as a part of his own psyche, which can capture and assign.

When the child grew older

Another thing, when our youth, by a happy coincidence, grown up and left as a child the idea that there is such a wonderful fusion, there is such a significant other, which will satisfy all his desires. And found that for a mature sense of mutual need to work and be of interest to a specific person, rather than all around. He poskromnel and realized that he was normal, and the people around him will not be the natural mother. And it does not sleep and can not see, to be made happy only one staying close to its bright image.

What if you want something, you have to ask for it, but be prepared that you may refuse. What’s between you and it there is a distance, and it should be gradually reduced, if she agrees. And for this it is necessary to do things. Not to win, it is not a trophy. And to show their interest and to verify whether the two agree to go further. Suddenly it turns out that, although the young man wanted to discuss with the chosen Gumilyov and Brodsky, babe Lena and names such does not know, and dearer to her Bilan and Polina Gagarina. And then interest in her poostynet. And maybe even switch to a familiar social networks on the Marina. She was not blond and fitness does not go, but cute smiles and read Hegel.

And our boy starts to get accustomed to the marina, the poems she write to the event invite, while respecting decent distance, until you are sure that it is also in love. And his feelings gradually got stronger – about Lena and does not want to remember. And she, for example, too. For instance, she meets with a fitness instructor Vasya, and everyone is happy.

And there is a very important point. Marina invested forces and their development time, engaged in interesting for her deeds, shape their identity, and not only on the stove lay and spread out shrill selfie (although selfie also can be freeze if they are not empty, for the likes, and behind them It is a person’s identity, his true I). And our hero is in no hurry to take possession of it, and watched, giving her the opportunity to make choices, to feel sympathy for him, to bind. They both knew how to wait and not rush to approach and absorb each other.

For example, they may both want to become parents, examining themselves as spouses. And it will also be an act of creativity – the birth of the child and mother learning new roles and father. In this choice is sometimes difficult, too, in some places do not understand, but if everything happens in time, have the power and resources to discuss, solve problems (which are always present in my life) and continue on the path of life.

Sublimation – to seek, not seeking

Returning to the theme of sublimation. Sublimation – is a rejection of his desire, which in itself makes you want more. In other words, you do not satisfy your desire in regard to another literally, and start up the energy of the fact that this other very tempted against you. For example, if our boy simply wrote poetry, being in spite of the fact that the world is not perfect, and the girls do not hang him, or that the guys do not want to be friends with him, it is not sublimation. But when he began to write such talented things that girls really want to become acquainted with it, that the guys wanted to have a beer with him on Friday and talk about life, then this is the sublimation.
For a person with psychological trauma it is difficult to implement it fully. If he refuses to desire, “for ever”, through depreciation or denial of needs (Lena – dumb blonde, she did not is not very much and wanted me to such hobnob, and indeed all women – fools fall in love only idiots and these alpha males are only allowed to love). Or “sticky”, seeking and seeking implementation of their demands.

It is important also to achieve, not achieving. To stay a little bit in the “deprivation” state, leaving the value of the ideas of his desire.

Thus, we are talking about some of the creative process, when people do not express their needs out loud like crazy, waiting for their impending meeting, and when making some choices to be interesting – and not in order to merge with another, and to develop with others seeing differences, not waiting for mandatory reciprocity, not expecting to meet domestic needs through external.

I personally like most about this description. And it is directly related to growing up and the simple thought of that before you create a really strong and healthy relationship, it is important first to be alone and learn to be happy with yourself. How to do it right? And here except you nobody knows themselves. This is a huge injustice, but this is the challenge that makes people happy, and adults.