In life, as we know, there are no guarantees, and there is everyone. For example, in a family of divorce can happen to a child, causing the woman becomes a single mother. Included with the new status is usually a whole heap of social stereotypes, most of which have long been outdated. If we accept the truth of the past, they shape us false expectations and attitudes, making it difficult to live a full life. Psychologist Katherine Demin talks about the most common myths floating around lonely mom image.
1) “I will never marry.”
Marriage is both frightens and beckons after a traumatic relationship with the father of the child (and they certainly have been traumatic, otherwise why would you not live happily together?). On the one hand, a woman with a child in need of support, care and an elementary food, which can provide good and caring husband. On the other hand, after breaking up you may be disappointed, cautious, overgrown with thorns or poisonous needles pyrophoric. You have the right. Once again step on the same rake? Where is the guarantee that the new lover will not behave as foolishly as the previous one?
No guarantees of course not. If you are knocked down select the program settings, if you take control and violence for their care, or, on the contrary, do you want to control everything and everyone, if you have a fairly heavy childhood experiences – well, then, perhaps, it is safer not to enter into any close relationships, and to sympathetically-inconsiderate friends prepare lean sorrowful face and say with a sigh, “well, who wants to get married, I’m a” makeweight “”. And all at once a knowing nod and no longer climb.
But if you spend even a little time and money on psychotherapy, you will understand something new about yourself and your previous relationship, to see how and why did you choose this person and build with him this model of relations … maybe your next experience will be much more inspiring. Not necessarily it will create a new safe and loving family, but certainly it will be a step forward and upward.
And men (I mean normal men, not overgrown teenagers who are still jealous of my mother to the younger brother and at the same time the pope) in the long run no matter how many and whose children to nurture when they are interested in a woman, and the family . In its surroundings, I see a lot of examples where men grow not only their children, but also to foster, sometimes even on several previous marriages. Because it is the children, they need to grow. At least six, even eight hands. Fine. Hence my attitude to the next myth.
2) ” On the dates as soon as man finds out that I have a child, he immediately runs away.”
That’s the glory of God. Well, what did you learn that it is infantile idiot before were depending on him, already pregnant with his child. Why do you need a relationship with a bath selfish? If the person wants to live with you in order to spend time together, care for each other (and not only of yourself, your favorite), to protect and support you, but only to satisfy some of his (and only his!) Needs – passing him the wind in the sails! You do not have too much time and mental space to serve the whims of capricious boy that you do not have a son.
3) “In the coming years I will be fully engaged in child, so I will not have time for personal life.”
My personal experience and the experience of numerous girlfriends says exactly the opposite: children – absolutely not a problem of privacy. In fact, nothing hindrance personal life if you like to spend time with interesting people of either sex, a little more carefully plan their studies, spend less time in social networks and – most importantly – involve the head, that is, figure out what you would like from life, and to do this and not something else.
Not to mention the fact that children older than six months, did not need a mother tortured around the clock. I do not mean a situation where the mother is forced to return to work full-time to support themselves, the child, pay rent housing and credit for the car. And then, I suppose, if she has the strength of all this carousel, and she with long-life drearily. I’m talking about the moral aspects of constraints, such as “I have to replace the child of both parents, since I was not able to keep his father” and the like is very dangerous reasoning. There should not. No, not my fault. Yes, you have the right to be happy, although it did not work the first time. Even if the third time did not work out – still have the right to a normal adult relationship with a man.
4) “I do not have a right to sick / tired / losing their jobs.”
This is true, but it is a nightmare in general all parents. Even Deeply married, having a great and loving family, I am still with some horror discover the signs of impending illness or age-related changes: what will happen to my children?
Besides, I was not always happy in the relationship: insanely difficult five years, when I was alone with two kids, greatly undermined my confidence in the world, to people and to yourself. One of the worst memories – as I lay on the floor almost unconscious and moaning trying to attract the attention of the older, six-year old daughter, so she knocked on the neighbors. And now, when life was adjusted, I say, make friends with the neighbors! Look around and find a suitable person: it can be a very elderly couple in your entryway, such as mothers in a similar situation, teenagers who have no one to talk to. All of them – your safety net, your support in a moment of despair, a sudden helping hand stretched out of nowhere.
Young and some very shiny vegetable seller from the shop, which is suddenly informed buying up apartments. Not for the sake of flirting, but because at home he has a wife and child – “let her also someone to help.”
Very old Auntie from the second floor, the former Russian teacher, offers sit or walk with the children – “just like that, not for the money, because it is boring to sit around.”
Ally in the sandbox, and who are willing to walk in the queue, and bring food when you have a fever, because “we’re in the same boat.”
Then, when you start to smile again, and men agree to do a second attempt, the boat may diverge in different directions. You will no longer need each other so – so smile at the meeting, stop for a moment to talk to the transition at a traffic light. But now they are very important and necessary, these random companions on the difficult route. Appreciate them and remember that you are not alone.
5) Yet all the time it seems that everyone is looking at me or pity or condemn . Or both, and both.
“When my husband said that he was leaving because he was tired and did not want a second child (and I was half term), in-law said,” do not go away from the well-wives. ” And all the neighbors, those that are older and married counterparts in words to me were sympathetic and condemned “this monster”, but the back of his head, I caught them “understand” views, pursed lips and rocking his head crushed, “not hold the guy. ‘”
In fact, this is a way to rise above someone else’s misfortune, spit three times over his shoulder to me this can not happen, because I do everything correctly . Magical thinking in its purest form: if I do not step on the cracks in the black asphalt, mom will never die. Vain attempt to speak fate.
And even attempt to move away from someone else’s misfortune, do not get dirty, because there is such a crazy idea that we should not deal with “problem” people, they say, their karma thin, broken. Yeah, of course, it is not necessary, as long as you do not prishparilo themselves.
So do not mind when you know (or think you), that you regret and condemn. This is not about you, but about them. Few people can remain calm and reasonable close to disaster, not to mention the fact that the right to exercise empathy, not sympathy. Viewed this brilliant cartoon? Look necessarily.
What am I, a lonely mother, I want to hear from others?
Firstly, no. It is not necessary to comment in any way, to maintain, to comfort. Thus, you (surrounding) are giving me to understand that I have a problem. And it may not be. This is my decision – to have a child one or renounce destroying my relationship with his father, or indeed a tragic twist of fate. I do not need your sympathy, better sit with the child in the evening, so that I can go for a massage, read a book or just be a little bit.
Secondly, I want to invite me for a visit to the family home, as before. And that is the impression that I contagious or threaten your family happiness. I do not want other people’s husbands! And I’m not going to be hung up on your precious Sergei, and cope with the problems itself. But sometimes you need to stay in adults.
Third, oddly enough, I want to meet men. With free, unmarried, family-oriented peers. I know they exist. So if you have a good, hard-working, adult friends – Meet us! Maybe a house and a child – this is just what you need to work a little zaturkanny, not very loving man party. And I just have it all: the house, the child, and I myself, who want to have someone to lean on. Though I say all that to deal with.