From a letter to the editor: I’m scared to get married: I see there are so many families that after 20-30 years of marriage, a man suddenly goes away from his wife for another woman. I’m afraid that I can not survive, if that happens to me, and therefore do not want to invest in a relationship …
Is there life after the divorce?Commented Svetlana Krivtsov , existential analyst, assistant professor of psychology, personality psychology faculty of Moscow State University. MV University, director of the Institute of existential-analytical psychology and psychotherapy:
Indeed, it happens that from the good women gone. How can you survive? Here we are back to the way life works.
receive for it is something good. But there is no guarantee “good later” does not happen. Maybe people will get it – and then it will be a gift, incredible luck, and maybe not.
This property of life – the inability to buy a warranty – means that yes, everything can happen anything. For example, after 20 years of marriage, my husband may decide to divorce. And then in 45 years, my good life suddenly makes a sharp turn. And there will be anguish and tears, but then when I naplachus, I gradually begin to realize that open to something new. And that fate gave me a kind of gift – the opportunity to live another life. And then start something new. Then, 20 years later, when I have to be 65, I would say: “Do you know how well developed, that we then parted. If this had not happened, I would not have met her second husband, and would not have lived two lives instead of one, so different and so happy. ”
But, of course, I describe a favorable option. It happens the other way, when a man can not get out of this – for example, if it is long lived with a distorted picture of the world. I thought: “If I was a good girl, so I put this and that.” To think so is characteristic for the seven-year child. But an adult is different in that it can correlate their ideas and reality.
But the reality is that, again, there are no guarantees. In such conditions we live in this world. It’s hard to comprehend and take thing first we refuse even to think and realized that we are very gradually. And so people at least should not blame themselves for the fact that his life is not flowing the way he planned. Planning something – this, of course, important, but human responsibility is not to his plans certainly embodied. The responsibility is to openly celebrate the fact that you did not plan to hear these new circumstances and responsibility to respond to them, that is, to postpone their well prostroennye plans to find meaning in what is, rather than what should it would be. Respect reality. Do not argue with reality. And to begin to learn to understand it well. And then, and redo – but it’s the next step, without first nonproductive.
Let’s go back to the situation stated in the question. Yes, my husband went to the young woman. And I 45. Or 65. And a woman asks a question: who needs me at this age? But, thank God, now and for women 45 and 65 years, a lot of opportunities to try to start again. Read at least the book “Age of Happiness”, it describes the great examples of how to live an interesting and eventful life after 50.
But all this will only be the case if the woman does not fall into a depression, not sopetsya of grief and suffering, if she could somehow have forgiveness. And, ultimately, this is determined by how well the woman until her divorce to cope with the daily tasks that apply to her life. What am I worth? What do they want from me? Can I do this without betraying themselves?
Growing and occurs as a result of solving the daily tasks of life, big and small. When a woman is so happy with her life, when she had behind him a large number of successfully resolved the problems of life, conflicts in which she and her remains, and especially no one hated, then left without a husband in 45 or 65 years, it does not sopetsya not It goes into severe depression. She will suffer, suffer, and then wipe his eyes begin to look around and ask ourselves: what is my situation in life right now? And thank God, that the divorce is not ended oncology, as it often happens. And tell me: thank God, because my husband was never warm enough man, he taught me the most to meet their needs – and so I have a circle of friends and girlfriends. I have my hobbies and interests. What I love the fact that I have for many years lived without a husband, as many things that are dear to me, did not interest him. And thank God that I still had my adult children, who are so warm in my life. And it’s not so little.
The possibility is always there, and any crisis points to something new. Any crisis puts before me a choice: either I begin to die when life, or I, like a phoenix, reborn to something completely new. And then as a bonus I get another life that I have to live.
But it is difficult to him who all his life trying to be good, was not satisfied, and his dissatisfaction with the accumulated counter spinning. Now I’m someone for must for so many years that I pushes his own life and their aspirations and did not do what I needed the most. Then the counter is already a large amount of money. And the husband, instead of starting to pay off, suddenly left without paying.
Perhaps even worse, when the counter is ticking against children. Then we will of course send children living with severe problems. After all, no one owes nothing to. Only man himself must. But if a person loves someone, he is still in some way he devotes his life to doing something for the sake of it – but that’s because it is dear to him, and valuable.