I do not even planned this pregnancy.

Everything happened by chance. I remember the mixture of terror and happiness that I experienced, looking for a positive test. This was my first pregnancy, I was 25 years old, I and my then-boyfriend were completely unprepared for the children – but we still were happy.

The next day I ran to the gynecologist – and she frowned and told me: tone of the uterus, the threat of miscarriage. Bed rest, djufaston, papaverine.

I was very disciplined pregnant. I took sick, honestly I lay at home and to take all prescribed medications.

But it did not help.

One morning I woke up, went to the toilet – and discovered the laundry bright red blood stain.

It was the 12th week of my pregnancy, and we have already come up with names for boys and for girls.

I called an ambulance. Two tired women who arrived an hour later, told me to get ready.

The ambulance unbearable shaking and smelled gasoline. I spent the next hour in the waiting room, leaning against the dirty green wall. After inspection (rough and hurt) I was taken to the ward, where there were still pregnant 7, all also with the threat of miscarriage.

Injections, pills, bed rest. I talk to the kid and ask him to stay. I’m ready for this to whatever you want. I am ready to lay at least all of the remaining 6 months. Even in the hospital, where one toilet for the whole floor.

But it does not help.

The next night, after lights out, I get up to go to the toilet. And I feel that my legs something flowing. It flows heavily. And more. I’m in a panic at the door Koloch ordinatorskoj. I reluctantly opened, I beg to call a doctor. I am waiting in the hallway. Crying.

The doctor comes, young, tired. Silently examines me.

Then he picks up the phone and calls someone. “Abortion in the course, prepare operating.”

And while I howl “Noooo,” she fills the paper.

Comes nurse takes me by the arm and begins to coo: “There is nothing now to clean, all will be well. Young, will give birth again. And how do anesthesia – normal or lighter? After the usual hard, will head ache. And if lighter, it is necessary to pay. Ten thousand. How no? And eight? And eight are not present? Well then, I’m sorry, but bear in mind that it will be bad. ”

I and so very, very, very bad. I do not want to make it worse. And I call her boyfriend and ask him to bring the money.

After scraping I come to myself on his bed with ice on his stomach. Very painful. On the morning of the girls in the House complain that I was taken at night and piled up on the bed like a sack of potatoes. Noise woke them.

They shun me like a leper. Perhaps afraid that miscarriage is contagious. One, the most brisk, telling someone on the phone: “If this happened to me, I would have immediately condemned all! And I would not cry in the corner! ”

Three days later, I prescribe. Govovorit Doctor: “Do not worry, according to statistics, 20% of pregnancies end well. This is better than to give birth to a monster. ”

I think intently why? What did I do wrong? Maybe it was because I drank alcohol when still did not know about the pregnancy? Maybe because of the air travel (I flew on a mission at a very early period)? Maybe because of my thoughts that I was not ready for children? Maybe it was necessary to make trouble with doctors as the girl of my chamber? I am guilty, I am guilty, I am guilty Circle.

I did not talk to anyone about it. All shrug bear a still young though. And then the familiar women begin to talk: me too, it was. A colleague recognized that she had three miscarriages – and still no children. Another says that the lost child in the 20th week, since 25 years have passed – and over the years has not been a single day when she had not thought about his lost child.

Horrible, painful history – and much more than I expected. And while no one talks about it. All pretend that nothing had happened. No one is saying that it is – a loss. This, painful loss. Even if there was your baby and 12 weeks.

9 years have passed since my miscarriage. But still, if I pass that hospital, I compressed the heart.

From the Editor. If you have a similar tragedy occurred, and you do not have anyone to share, or if you could at least in part to cope with the pain experienced, and you want to encourage other women – email us your story editors. In the near future we will publish an interview with a psychologist about the experience of perinatal loss as a result of losing a child.