Released last week, the story of a woman that has experienced miscarriage, she narrated in the first person, we promised to take comment on the loss of a psychologist. His thoughts and experiences divided Oksana Brezhnev , perinatal psychologist, specialist of the Center of traditional midwifery.
In our society, to talk about abortion is not accepted. One reason is that people do not know how to do it, do not understand how to support a woman in this situation. Most often relatives are ready to give support, but do not know how. This subject is very painful, and many think that talking about it might hurt a woman. Hence arise in such conversations awkward pauses and absurd phrase.
In fact, the desire to avoid this conversation with a woman – a mistake. After all, a woman is experiencing a loss. It does not matter, just a few weeks, or if the pregnancy period lasted was already big enough. In any case, she had felt the child already knew about the pregnancy. In order to live a truly otgorevat this loss, a woman needs to talk about it. She needs to express emotions, you need to make that happen, she feels what is happening to her.
A common phrase is “do not worry, give birth to another, you’re young, it happens every second” – in this case a clear contraindication, because it does not allow a woman to live situation. As if her pain is not accepted, discount, are not serious. But this is the life of her child’s broken now, even
for a few weeks. Therefore, this form of support is not effective.
In psychology, there is a special line of work with family systems, which are always taken into account, whether in the nature of the loss, loss, miscarriage, abortion and so on. If a person has died – died in the war or something else happened to him, we still allot him “his” place in this system. And the child who lost his life even in the perinatal period, is also part of this system and in their impact on the life of a person. So dismiss this episode should not be at least more so. Anyone, including the unborn child – it’s part of the family system. And it must be recognized.
How to cope with this loss?
I would recommend to work with the psychologist as an important component for living this loss. Unfortunately, not all of our loved ones and family are able to maintain, and there is a risk that a woman because of careless words and actions of inept close only closes stronger and will survive, only inside.
To really help and support a woman in such a situation, first, give her a chance to speak, to cry. Let it even refuses to believe it now and do not want to accept what happened. The main thing – let him speak about it. Listen to her, take her to this mountain, hug, if appropriate.
The special role of the husband – because it is also a loss for him. It is important to talk to each other on this subject, to share their feelings and experiences, to support each other. That is, the husband in this situation should not be unyielding wall. For him, it is also important to share their feelings and talk about it, after all, is also the loss and pain for him.
Once a woman is aware that the situation has already occurred, favors, cry and express all your emotions, you can talk to her on the subject “what would this kid could wish it.” It is important to help the woman see that her life goes on no matter what.
A useful and will also be the farewell ritual with a child. She can do it herself, with her husband, or someone from the family. It can be anything: plant a tree, write a letter, draw a picture, in which she can express all your feelings and thoughts of the baby (to ask for forgiveness, forgive, thank, say about his love). The main thing that it was a ritual farewell to the woman. Believing women brings great relief to the prayer of God.
If a woman is fully living a similar situation, that is, has the opportunity to live their emotions, to share them, to feel the support of loved ones, then soon she naturally be able to take what happened to her as a learning experience, “release” the kid and continue to live without guilt and gravity on a heart.
And after some time consciously to approach the next pregnancy and expectation have another of their baby.
Prepared by Alain Khmilevskaya