It is not about robbers and swindlers. Your good friends, family members, employees sometimes do something that you feel cheated, circled around her finger, left out in the cold. You understand that you are cheated, if expressed in everyday language. And scientifically it is called “you are the victim of manipulation.”
The worst thing that you have got absolutely voluntarily, no you did not extort money, a knife at her throat did not hold, even apparently, and not very much persuaded. But something you said (or you’ve heard), that you have abandoned all of your important and necessary things and rushed to fulfill the desire of another person. And, it seems, is not the first time. Let us look for a hook under the bait?
How I would say old Carnegie, when you go fishing – is placed on the hook worm. Personally, do you love strawberries and cream. But the fish love worms, so take a shovel and go digging.
Each person has weaknesses. Not in the sense of “what can be blackmailed,” and in a sense – to which he is caught. In pity on guilt on the omnipotence on giperotvetstvennost finally. In recognition, fame, adulation. (For details, see the fable “The Crow and the Fox”.) In the long conversation your weaknesses are clearly visible and audible.
Consider a specific example. The text is well known to all of you: “Pamazhite people dobryya, we ourselves are not local, eighteen families live at the station, with the kids!”.
Make allowances for the wind – not a beggar in the subway, and an unknown voice on the phone:
– Hello, I gave your phone Masha (Masha – your close relative or friend), she said that to you, you can ask for help, you are very sympathetic person.
And then follows the story of appalling living conditions ( “sleep with a child all on one couch”), that the child was not in what to wear and nothing to feed that Sinister-in-law finds fault and does not allow to use its dressing room … And in Moscow they have no one else knows , only Mary often told what you are kind and sensitive man.
In the next fifteen minutes, you find that rush through the traffic jams and the blizzard to help the poor, miserable “maiden in distress.” Odezhek lucky bag on freezing baby, something for young mothers, some food, which managed to scrape out of the refrigerator. Note: You no nothing asked for! Make this place a bookmark and move on.
Upon arrival at the point of disaster you may well find a blossoming woman with a chubby baby in her arms, in a beautifully furnished studio (yes, the room is only one, true, but the meters in it no less than fifty), quite similar to the picture that you have drawn in my head – gaunt, thin girl with a tear-stained face and scrofulous a baby in a basket. But the job is done: you are rushed, a lot of things navezli, rushed to wash dishes and prepare food. Yes, several times repeated, that you can access in a difficult moment.
What happened to you? Why did you drop everything, perhaps, their children and household and raced to the other end of the city, as if stung? Because the right words were spoken with the correct intonation. For each person, these words will be his. Total them one thing: in your own personal experience must be a situation similar to the charged. Experience hungry lone seat with an infant. Or family violence. Or “all money and documents stolen at the station, as the home to get – I’ll never know.” Someone is conducted on a straight flattery: “I know you all will manage, I believe in the wisdom of your” someone important to feel needed. It is understood that the legs grow out of childhood, and if you mom taught that approves and accepts you just as you help her, you will be caught on, not discerning the calls for help. Just because you have in mind is this connection: “I help (saving) – I’m good, I like.”
The manipulative praise is different from the sincere expressions of admiration? First of all, the fact that in one case the other person says about himself ( “I’m so grateful to you, thank you very much”), and in another – about you. “You are the greatest, the best, the kindest of our salvation, hope and support.” Do not let shorter.
At this point, you pounced invisible mask, the role of the mask. You have already called, designated as Superman, Ilya Muromets – the invincible hero, the Great Mother. On the way you put maybe someone else might you do not quite typical. But, most of all, from time to time you see yourself in this role, otherwise the mask stuck to you, she fell off. And the role requires. You draw a red nose and mouth from ear to ear – be kind, cheerful audience. Wearing a suit of armor and a sword stuck in the hands of – forward to the Dragon fight. And onlookers already stocked with plastic bags with seeds and took seats in the front row.
If the handler sees that you hesitate, not too fast breaks on a horse with astonishment looked at the tools, it starts inflating the image: “I always tell everybody how you saved me! What deed you have done! It was unbelievable! “But in fact it is only a favor to the pump or transmitted to the conductor parcel.
Remember, there was such an old movie-musical “Monsieur Perrishona Journey”? With beautiful Tabakov, Marina Zudina, Tatyana Vasilyeva, Igor Sklyarov. The story sprang up around matchmaking hero Sklyar (Armand) and another young man (Daniel) to the young daughter of a wealthy Monsieur Perrishona. Simple-minded Daniel accidentally saves the life Perrishonu, while the wily manipulator Arman adjusts the situation so that Perrishon (as if) makes it. Then we see how the inflated image Perrishona – great saver: press, photos, interviews, invited the orchestra Perrishonu awarded (fake) medal … And – the trick is done, naive coach house is ready to give his daughter’s hand to the one who praises.
An indicator that you are going to use and the trap will be your sense of embarrassment and even shame in response to praise. Usually, when the praise is deserved, but enthusiasm is adequate, we feel pleasure, warmth, joy. Glee even. Excessive praise is akin to the marinade: like oil and, like and smells nice, but then you will have a little to eat.
Again. As soon as the start of speech such as “are you, and-so, and most!” – Cheerleaders. How is it that you are so lauded? Do you really accomplished a feat for the good of humanity? Or is it a smokescreen to divert your attention from the essence?
My gratitude will not have boundaries
Remember, we did zakladochku in the beginning? Note manipulators rarely about anything asked. Because the request – is an open interaction, it does not have any leverage to blackmail the second floor. “I ask you to go to the store after work. Will you do me a favor? Dear Peter Ivanovich, the parents’ committee of the second “A” kindly asks you to pay for the purchase of textbooks for your son. ” Everything is transparent and understandable.
Another thing – the manipulation. You like to ask for, and in fact carefully hand fed to a realization that, except you, no one will not help, not rescue. “My mother in law, for example, have never nothing requests. Nevertheless, we have to almost all the output to go somewhere, and there is something to do, for “it is necessary”. Who’s supposed to, why, why? God knows. But – without a hitch. She sits down on the porch, looks around and says, something like: “It would be necessary to change the fence, this completely rotted. And we need to iron, so as not to paint. ” And – ready case, a man takes a bite out of the family budget amount sickly and puts her fence. She, because of her cottage this and we have not been there. A “thank you,” she says, because she did not ask, so he decided! ”
Here’s another trap: it is necessary. Impersonal proposal, the actor is not. But for some reason, the husband of my client was raised that all the “must” relate directly to it. And in a situation with which I started an article about a poor single mother, too, has nothing asked, just character-Rescuer included habitual their scheme: “once a person is bad, I have to help him.” But since there is no direct requests, no and thanksgiving, and the completion and satisfaction.
It is possible that this complainant were not needed diapers, and, for example, a certain amount of money in cash, and the nurse for half a day, so she can go have fun. But she can not ask and complain – can. After the visit, “Chip and Dale” are all disappointed – Rescuer himself, and one who helped.
Help – this is a light control side
What can and should be done in a situation where you feel the smell of fried? First, mark up and take notice, “beacons” manipulation: appearing irritated and uncomfortable at the moment when you begin to praise. That’s right put in the head reminders “I trap”. Your real friends would never say in person “I pray thee”, is a flagrant violation of the borders.
Second, once you’ve noticed it, you say to yourself: “Stop!” No one will not run, not enough for a purse to give away the last begins to come up with ways to get rid of the troubles. First, be clear about what the problem is, and can run something will not be needed. Oddly enough (unless you ran into a professional swindler, and it comes to interacting with friends and relatives), and any of your participation is required. More than anything, people need attention. And sympathy. And in our culture is not developed, not accepted, forgotten. It is easier to give the grandmother money than the millionth time to listen to her lamentations. Simply give a fancy device girlfriend who is sitting with sick children for the third month, than to let her go to the hairdresser.
But the action rarely bring satisfaction, while feelings remain unnamed and unclaimed. We were driving our own anxiety. For example, I regularly come across to help “the poor lonely mums”, because she was with such a (three hundred years ago) and I would really like someone to help me. But all these poor girls – I do not, and they want something different, not the same. And while they chat about it will say, I can not do anything for them.
The moral: or wait, or just ask: “How do you help” and does exactly what is asked. The answer is most sincere gratitude and your sense of intimacy.
Elena Rekunova, counselor :
Sometimes we are asked to, and not just talk about how bad they are asked so that we somehow begin to feel guilty. And reluctantly, to the detriment of their interests do what was asked of us. What’s happening? Simply we are being manipulated.
As the easiest to manage a man? By projecting his feelings of guilt or fear. How to protect yourself from this? Learn to pick up these two feelings at the time of manipulation. Think of a really terrible story. It can be two or three. Somewhere in the body arise unpleasant sensation. Remember it. Just remember, when you were really very guilty, a couple of cases, too. For a different feel. Also remember. Hooray! We are armed!
If you have something to offer, something is asked, pushing, and you caught the familiar feeling – arm in front of you. And we politely tell him: “Ah, unfortunately, that today there is no free minute (dime free money), I just wanted to ask you …” Very soon asylum elaborated conditioned reflexes – nothing to catch me!