Often, shortly after the birth of a child young mother decided to go to work. Someone pushes this difficult financial situation in the family, someone can not imagine my life without your favorite things. Whatever the reason, most mothers feel guilty for being paid the child a lot less attention than might. His thoughts on the subject shares Galia Nigmetzhanova , children, psychology, leading specialist Psychological family support center “Contact”.
Guilt working mom: is there any reason?Galia, is considered to be in our society, that is a good mother – one that is fully committed to the child. Working mothers often feel a sense of guilt and a feeling that they are “bad mother.” What really maternal care necessary for the child to grow and develop it fully?
If we are talking about a newborn baby, he, of course, need a constant daily care. A child is born the most helpless creature of all living beings in the world. Alone it can survive only under one condition: if there is a adult who provides care and care for this child.
What is meant by leaving? Firstly, the satisfaction of his physical needs: adult child feeding provides, creates heat around him, watching a sufficient amount of sleep and wakefulness.
But not only. We are dealing with a man, but a man always needs
and attitudes. Man can not exist without some system of relations with others, and it is laid from the very first day. First, the other – a close adult. Close we call it because it is for a child in a constant domain, recognizes a child’s needs and responds to them.
I am sure mom has to be whether it close adult?
No highly desirable, but not required. This close adult can be a grandmother, father or nanny. It is important for a child to an adult, this was a regular one and the same. Why is it important?
The child is extremely imperfect language of their needs messages. Initially it’s just crying, crying and at first this is an undifferentiated form, ie, it is the same. Then, weeping form differentiated, and a close, who is caring for a small child begins to understand how to react. Crying one way – so he is very hungry. Cries differently – so bored, I want someone close. Or tummy ache. Usually close adult who is in good contact with the child within a short time after his birth, is able to fairly accurately determine the baby’s crying for what he needed at this point.
In other words, in the child and adult interaction develops individual system of signs, which is their original language of communication: baby supplies various signals to communicate their needs, and an adult responds to these needs. Therefore, it is important that the adult was a constant.
They can be grown close to two or three persons, eg mother, father and grandmother?
Yes, it may be two, and three adults. The main condition: they have to be in constant contact with the child and have to be very sensitive to their needs.
What else is important for a child in addition to the sensitivity on the part of close adult? To an adult associated with him not as a subject – even if the most valuable object, requiring care and concern – and as a person that deserves attention and respect. It is necessary not just to make the child some useful everyday manipulation and act the way we act together in the adult world. For example, if we want to get out of the bus windows, we ask the person in front, “Tell me, please, I can pass you by? Thank you”. We do not operate without warning, pushing the other as a disturbing thing to us.
Adults intuitively communicate with a child from the first day as follows: “Yes, my good, I hear you cry. Do you want to eat – now I will feed you. ” As an adult says something about him the child, about yourself, about the world, and received it the interaction. Therefore, the presence of a child near any close adult capable of doing it – it’s very significant.
Finally, it is important for a young child to an adult caregiver close look at the world positively. Child should believe that this world is beautiful, it really is worth living, he had to learn to trust this world. An adult who cares for a child, must take care of their internal state, because the baby is very good it feels very receptive to it.
In other words, a close adult should not be depressed?
It should not be depressed, which, incidentally, is often the case with young mothers. Sleepless nights, routine actions day – many times a day to feed, perepelenat, bathe, lulled to give any drugs, so as not to hurt the tummy – it’s all very exhausting mother. And it is very important for the child. For him, every day – a whole life, because in infancy and childhood time is completely different.
If the mother is not a lot to be with the child, it is depressing, even it would be nice if next to the child turned out to be another adult who is enthusiastic, positive look at the world, the appearance of a child in this world, everything that happens and reports it to the child.
And what if my mother still became depressed?
My opinion: best mom for some time to move and give up his place to someone else, someone who enjoys life, weather, life circumstances, and – most importantly – is sincerely pleased the child whenever he wakes up. These are things that are significant from the first months of life. If mom is exhausted birth or care of other children, the transfer of certain functions it was the other person would be really good and even helpful for the child. And, of course, my mother to take care of yourself, do not expect that everything will go by itself. Depression, apathy, loss of vital interests are sounding the alarm: it is necessary to seriously pursue, perhaps – to treat.
Up to what age the child’s mother to go to work is not desirable?
first four months of a child’s life are critical. Typically, to four months the child begins to respond to a close adult in a special way, very adult pleasant – bright reaction revival at his approach, a delay look on his face. On the baby’s face does not appear initial reflex, but a real smile. A child learns his adult. This means that this contact has developed between them. Now the child can communicate their needs to the adults not only in mourning – their language of communication develops. I think this time is very important, and it is better to devote to the child.
Modern society offers women two images, and they both have a profound effect on her. The first image – a loving and caring mother, a second image – a professional in their field. If, for example, a woman has only the education of the child and the household, she often feels that other its ability to be implemented, and if it is a lot of work, she has a sense of guilt and a feeling that she is missing the best years of the life of her child, contact with him. Is there a way out of this vicious circle?
Let’s go back to the image of the good mother. What mom is good enough for your child? Every woman has their own idea of the ideal. But the ideal – the ideal and the fact that it is unattainable. In a place to stop and say to yourself: “I’m a good enough mother. Not perfect, but good enough “?
A good mother, first – is optimistic mother. She has the strength and resources to enjoy life and enjoy the appearance of a child in it.
Secondly, this is my mother, sensitive to the needs of the child. She has a good contact with the child, she clearly understands their needs and responds to them, not “overloading” the interaction with the child their own ideas about what “must”, “should” in excess.
A simple analogy. We do not live together with our friends under one roof. But occasionally meeting and talking, being in good contact, listening, staring at his friend, without any prejudice, with full confidence in the fact that our friend says we begin to understand the needs of our friend, right? One other very important to hear something about us, it is for this contact, and occurs occasionally something neat commenting. Another friend is important to speak out, and he does it with a threshold and without stopping. Third important friend to complain, the fourth should be literally remove ticks some important things by reading them in the subtle movements of facial expressions: “But look, I can see that you feel well. Maybe you did something hurts? Tell me about it”.
The same with the child. Languages spoken by a particular adult and the individual child is unique. But in order to be sensitive to the child, not necessarily to be around and talk with him around the clock. It is important to be sensitive to those times when you are dealing with it when it happens, and that this communication was a regular, periodic.
The child is very important reliable adult, feeling that he could count on him. In order to be reliable, it is necessary to have this resource, right? If I exhausted myself, I’m unreliable. And we must be responsible to care for the child.
How do you think it is possible to implement it in a situation where my mother spends at work all day?
Yes, if the mother spends time with the child on a regular basis, at regular intervals, and at the same time at this moment she is sensitive, reliable and bears full responsibility for the child. In other words, it focuses on the child, rather than distributing it between child work and other chores. If a mother with one hand working on the computer, and the other holds the baby while talking on the phone, then whether it can at this point be sufficiently responsible for the child? Or visibly she plays with the baby, and her thoughts in …
As the mother can develop a sensitivity that, if it feels the lack of it?
The goal is to first of all learn to listen to the other, not to say the most, do not try to sell something of their own through another. First, scrutinize, listen to the other.
Here is an example. Do you have a good friend, you are with her for some time did not communicate, lived its full life: to sort things out with her husband, preparing for the birth of a child, etc. So, you’re dating a girlfriend. What are you doing? To begin with – to listen to her, trying to understand what was happening to her. Otherwise, it may be, I will begin happily chirp about their child, and suddenly it turns out that my friend during this time there was a failed pregnancy. After all, can this happen? So first – listen.
In the same way, when mom comes home from work, her task – literally in front of the house, where she was waiting for a child to do everything in order to mentally remove office suit and put on the house dress in which she feeds the child. Tune into a child. Mentally say to him. “Now, I – for you”
That is, if the mother is not around the clock near the baby, it will not lead to psychological trauma with him, he will be an adult for a long time to heal with the help of a therapist?
If the child is surrounded by a responsive and responsible care, nothing will be catastrophic, with whatever frequency mom with him or talked. And the second point: everything will be fine, if the mother regularly communicating with the child, will not impose his own, and will listen to him. You know how it happens? I came, I saw, as a child does something, it is hung on a certain label and begin immediately to alter it.
It might look something like this. Mom comes home, and the child with a babysitter with pleasure at this moment is eating porridge (or sausage). Both talk, laugh, have a feeling that there is something good. Included mom, she was tired, irritated. It is insulting that the atmosphere in the house is not created it. And my mother is strictly a child begins to utter: “Why are you shoving his hands into a mess / Why did you eat this crap, like sausages?” Of course, my mother utters is not only and not so much the child and the babysitter. Here jealousy. And my mother did not know, and that was in the house before. Perhaps the nurse read a story about a child how Mishka porridge cooked, and they decided to treat yourself to a porridge. Or the nurse with the child in the cartoon seen as a puppy stole sausages with master’s table. Mom objectively right: she insists on rules. “There is only cutlery”, “Sausages may not be included in the diet of children.” And my mom was wrong: first slow down, enter the atmosphere at home, listen to how the matter. Then we can enter fully into her maternal role: set the rules, to be the most important for the child’s person. It is better to first look at what makes a child, at a distance, calmly and impartially
What appears insensitive to the child?
Insensitivity manifested when the mother, for example, read in a book that a child in this age to do so-and-so, and immediately began to implement it, without taking into account the context, the status and the nature of the child. Or when, feeling guilty for his absence, my mother decided to make up for it, spoiling the child and zadarivaya toys. Mom can not leave the whole day in the office and work remotely at home or do not work, but do not be sensitive.
This does not mean you have to constantly fanatically something to look out for the child, no. But it is, as they say, “slow down” at the first step, not to judge immediately. Peer, listen. The child – a full member of communication, it is also something that we reported about their needs.
Take a simple situation, for example, feeding the baby. There is still a lot of debate about how to feed the child – by the hour or a free schedule. The truth, as always, in the middle. For a child is very important a certain rhythm, it is necessary to try to adhere to. But you can follow it very strictly and wake the child every 2-3 hours to feed. But the baby sleeps is not just something happening to him. Maybe it’s better to wait that he woke up? And sometimes, the baby does not sleep, and just quietly lying in bed, examines their arms and legs, and shows no desire to eat. Probably do not need to force-feed him then … It is better to simply watch and wait for the first signs of the apparent hunger.
What prevents the manifestation of mother sensitivity?
Man loses some ability to sensitivity when it is overloaded himself. He begins to close, then he is not able to tune in to another. That is, the mother must pay from time to time look at yourself: Do I have something not overloaded? This may be an excessive number of cases, and sad thoughts. Very often the mother overrides that happens in her relationship with her husband, and it takes her an opportunity to be responsive to the child.
Therefore it is necessary to solve these issues. Leave the baby with the grandmother or nanny, to spend a romantic evening with my husband – it’s even better for the child than if the woman, knowing that she had some trouble in the relationship with her husband, they move away and lose each other with frenzy continued to deal with a toddler . Her tension, irritation, sooner or later will result in the child. Children will feel mom mood.
If a woman has had a conflict at work, do not go to the angry, irritable condition to the child. It is better to sit quietly and say to myself, “You know, you’re at work today has experienced a very stressful, you was hurt and offended.” To stay with him through it, put himself in order – and only then go to the child.
Why do mothers have a sense of guilt?
Guilt – it is a very broad topic, within which many different nuances. This was always a sense of something worthwhile. There are situations when the child is very welcome, and my mother runs to work with a sense of guilt, but the feeling is in fact that she really did not want to become a mother.
In addition, there are prejudices that we bring from our childhood, from parental family, the opinion of the social environment, which we somehow hurts and wounds. For example, a woman says: “You know, I saw my friend after giving birth at home and settled completely changed, becoming uninteresting or as a woman, not as a person. I do not want to be so. ” And then it turns out that, say, the father of the woman once started an affair on the side, or left the family at the very moment when his mother with his head plunged into the education of children.
Or very often women say, “I will never do as my mother at the time, which gave me two months of age in the nursery or in the age of three for the entire summer sent to a country clock kindergarten, without the right to visit his parents. I’ve never will do with their children. ” But we all carry within us some qualities and traits of their parents. Suddenly we accidentally find themselves in, painfully that we always stay in the narrow world of family life and childcare. The child begins to irritate us badly – or becomes a testing ground for our experiments. We find that the project under the name “just to raise a child,” we are very narrow and cramped, and the project is “to teach a child to speak in a foreign language” – not narrow, not too small, and begin to implement it.
Therefore: look at yourself, look indifferently on their feelings and thoughts, try to take them, communicate with them – then the guilt would be possible to work. While honestly do not look at the situation, not be able to resolve it, and the stronger the external signals in the form of feelings of guilt because of the care work, resentment, despair, dejected by the fact that the house has settled. All this foam, at which it is clear what is happening inside. And however much we filmed the foam, it will be appear. Then we have to understand, and there, inside, takes place. Find out this and say: “So that is what it is! And it is neither good nor bad, it’s a reality, and it’s mine. ” Then it is possible with this something to do.
It turns out that guilt can be, even in a sense, constructive, because of something important signals?
Yes it is. And where we can on this our sense of calm look, there comes awareness, and there will be a meaningful choice between working or staying at home. “Yes, this is my free, informed, intelligent choices. This is the choice that makes my life better, really good. And this is my life, a neighbor it can be completely different. ” And then with that comes some joy.
Interviewed by Anastasia Hramuticheva
Individual consultation Gaul Nigmetzhanovoy you can get by writing her a letter by e-mail: [email protected]
Expert Gaul themes for individual consultation :
1) Children. Their development. Difficult behavior. Endowments. Very active and very quiet children. Problems in children’s communities. Difficulties in learning. Interests. Hobbies: electronic gadgets. Communication networks. Lies. Dreaming. How to understand the true inclinations of the child.
2) Parents and children. Interaction, communication. How to build, how to remove adult supervision and not to worry that the child will cope. Trust between parents and children.
3) Family with retention system in the child’s focus. Brothers and sisters. Grandmothers and grandfathers. Mom and dad.
4) Are you an adult couple. Difficulties in marriage.