We talked with a clinical psychologist and psychoanalytical therapist Elena Kadyrova about why men less than women who are interested to enter into marriage, that in modern society causes them to objectify potential brides, choosing a woman as the chosen store multivarku or vacuum cleaner, and how to change this situation for the better for both sides
The question of priorities
– Can we say that men are not fewer women interested in marriage and family life, to build a harmonious relationship?
– Of course, we can say so – on the basis of universal ideas about what is good for man. It naturally follows “tree house, son.” But we are also well aware that this statement contradicts the actual experience. It is difficult to imagine that a man is suggested: “Let’s now we will discuss what we men do not why we have the problems arise in families?”.
The man most likely would want to talk about how to get acquainted with a woman about the sexual aspect of the relationship. And to a man, as a priority bothered by how he build a relationship that had a good family life, – such a request is unlikely. If this is not a psychologist or a therapist’s office, where a man, if it comes, is often a subject of poor emotional and / or physical well-being, loss of self-confidence, sexual dysfunction in the area, fear, heartache, sadness and a sense of loss of meaning. It was only in the process, we will inevitably go to the awareness of serious dissatisfaction in relationships, even if formally this seems to be all right – clever, beautiful wife, son … Excellent
– But the frequent publications authored by men on what to do if a woman to man was good. Or that it has not left – which in principle is the same.
– Yes, I agree – the man thinks that if it already has managed to marry, then let him at the same time will be at least good. Men and women differ not only biologically and psychologically, but also the values and priorities.
– And the fact that such issues are given mostly women, said that the family relationship – mostly women value more precisely, the priority?
– For a man, the more important is the value of self-realization in the society, the answers to the questions “Who am I in this world?”, “What I have achieved?”. This is the theme of identity, including in terms of social status. Relationships for men are a significant component, but the auxiliary framing something paramount, that is him. At least men so often think. So whether it’s actually – about this we will talk now.
“Freedom for parrots!”
– Why, then, men marry? Because there are “really”?
– In recent years, men themselves are increasingly defined precisely with this issue. Because if you talk pragmatically, if you approach the role of the partner is functional in terms of satisfaction of the biological needs of regular sex and creating emotionally comfortable conditions of existence, it is now all this has been made possible to meet, without getting married, and it sets out long-term relationship with commitments.
Here, for example, today in facebook read like a man boasts that he bought multivarku, he cooked soup and writes that “the woman is running out of tools to make us dependent.” Better not say – “Freedom for parrots!”
Well, because, really, if the partner – it’s just a function object, a set of tools, then get married in these times is really no reason given “maintenance problems” of the object. Tools do not have to buy one set – you can collect a set of multi-vendor, when there is such a choice, and enough money to change the details of the extent of wear.
This view of the other person and their need for a relationship indicates the psychological immaturity of personality. Because the human mind does not obey the laws of arithmetic, where the whole is equal to the mechanical sum of its parts. This is not a constructor, which folds and unfolds, and complex self-developing system.
In mature deep relationship appears something that is not impossible to imagine when you see only the objects to satisfy their needs in all sorts of other people.
This mom’s fault
– So, it turns out that married men need to deny psychologically immature, infantile?
– I did not want to use that word, it sounds insulting, but I may say so in this case. Here, the “rules” fear of addiction. With great certainty we can assert that manifests itself as problems associated with stranded excessively traumatic experience experience depending on the mother at the stage of infancy. And appropriate fixation on the next stage – about the age of two to three years when there is a way out of this total dependence and move towards greater independence when gradually increase the skills of self-service.
A child with a negative experience in every way according to exaggerate the degree of its independence, to seek complete autonomy, in principle, impossible to deny that still needs a mother. And as full autonomy is illusory, it is one – mentally change the status of the one in whom need it, lower it to the level of the instrument or facility usage, specializing in meeting the specific needs.
Full version of such a “specialization” in adult life men – an appeal to the prostitutes services. Many men who are psychologically stuck in this story, at this object with respect to a woman married under the pressure of society, taking care of his wife as a service, in exchange for which it is necessary to pull the strap of a breadwinner.
Here it should be noted that the consumer attitude toward the partner is not peculiar only to men but also to women, too. Not less.
The major difference here is that the girl, taking into account the specifics of the upcoming motherhood, initially adjusted to the to comfortably settle in depending, partner imposing pile of obligation, and the boy seeks by all means to avoid dependence. As a result, he played roles in a common scenario.
For people stuck in this phase of its development, it remains inaccessible to realize that the other person – it is really the universe, knowing that in direct contact with the pressing challenges of reality, we know ourselves, we give and we receive a great gift – love, develop as a person.
Men are less likely than women are willing to consider family life, long-term relationships, fatherhood as a space for the development of women in this inherently more prone. And when such a quite mature woman meets her interesting man who seemed to correspond to these ideas, it comes up against the fact that his intentions are very different, he sees only its own development is the relationship – in a career in the public or directly with intellectual activity. And it’s really sad. Because this affects not only women but also men themselves, only they do not realize it, simply imagining what deprived – perhaps that feeling empty, meaningless loss, and even physical ailments … And just as “rare the bird flies to the middle of the Dnieper, “a rare man comes to a therapist to understand yourself.
“I am blinded him from what was”
– There is an opinion that only men are prone to family life, and others do not. Is it so?
– Yes, of course, some have more men have tendency to this, others – less. But it is not a biological predisposition. The relations in parent family, with his mother and father, are crucial for the formation of both women and men. And then, as a child was brought up, he saw, as a result, forms his attitude to marriage, family, life, and his male role in all this. This is the most basi
– Can a woman to influence what will be the relationship, if it has got a certain type of man?
– Got ?! It sounds as if she was going to the fair with a home purchase. Something like this in there in this approach. But seriously, there is nothing casual here – the choice of partner is happening at a deep unconscious level as a kind of chemical process caused by children’s scenario of relations in the family, and therefore further relations will develop according to this scenario. If the script was heavy pathological, the partner will be chosen so unconsciously, to make it fit for this role, and thus with a certain quality.
– Well, scenic model to work, the people met. How a woman can change something in a man, to make the relationship more harmonious? It is believed that a woman should “educate” his man.
– Trying to influence a partner or relationship, if they are constructed on the basis of pathological – is an attempt to go as it were, in spite of the script, but in fact to play by his rules, ie set unrealistic goals and get in the end the inevitable defeat. The only way to really influence the relationship – is to work with them to realize their scenario, thus leaving them. And in this new position will be a new vision of themselves and current relationships, and the role of partner. whether the partner can also change? if he is able to develop? The big question. Often – no, often – is “an actor of one role.” The new life “is the script” or he leaves without finding a place for himself, either disappear feelings for him, for changing the chemistry that has been caused by the script. But it happens and vice versa, a woman may discover in your partner something new and valuable, which was not noticed before, and felt something taken for granted.
Also, I think the question itself of the opportunity to influence, educate implies some kind of manipulation of women, even the best of intentions. The woman immediately, as if unwittingly, exhausts itself in the role of a “good mom” who gathered to raise a man. As a son? For whom? For myself? For children, she also identifies with them? And here we find under the guise of this “good mom” – a little girl who was busily gathered to play with dolls.
Men do not have to scare
Men really pushes just here the idea that they want to do better “for their own good.” As if under the sauce they really want to make pragmatic use and serve yourself. And they are in their own right.
In general, women’s fear of manipulation of men strongly disturbs. The man, who seek to use women, especially fears that it will also be used. And it is not unreasonable. These are two sides of the coin. There is a vicious circle: fear does not go to another level of relations – all stuck to the subject of the use, real-world experience confirms this fear, and trust becomes impossible.
If we return to the question of how to help – to help the man a woman could in communication. We need to learn to understand each other and talk.
For example, to learn not to criticize, but to talk about their feelings. Even if the parent family the ability to communicate are not vaccinated, this is not a deep pathology – this can be compensated, it can be learned.
– So, the popular wisdom that the man – the head, and the woman – neck, falls into the field of communications, construction and form relationships?
– This wisdom is more related to the topic of the harmonious distribution and perception of male and female roles in the relationship. You can in fact understand this saying, so that the neck turns the head – and then we see here again the idea of manipulation when one seemed to use for other purposes. And you can think of and so that the neck – is the link between the head (brain) and the rest of the body.
A woman can really direct the attention of the man on some aspects of social life, to motivate the activity, set goals, not competing with a man in the role, which is determined by the head. The key point here is that these people have, in principle, the same or very similar ideas about their own path of development, then there is harmony in the pair, synergy and complementarity. These roles – head, neck – not to be understood literally, but rather talk about male and female beginning, which is in each of us in different proportsiyah.Garmoniya specific relationship is always individual.
“Trust – the main thing that happens between people”
– A good family man – what is it and where does?
– If we talk about a predictable form, of course, is when a man has a good experience in the parental home, suitable passage of the key factors of development, formed when the acceptance of their male identity and a positive attitude to women. When we see that the relationship with the mother filled with love and respect and at the same time sufficiently autonomous. When the children’s memories of his father, an experience with him as a son awakens a desire to go through this experience in the relationship with their children, as something that brings pleasure and fills life with meaning and creativity. When the idea of the family itself, paternity is positive.
Harmonious relations are impossible without trust. And trust – so fragile category, which is laid in the early experience of relationship – with the unconditional love of a mother, a sense of security of the relationship, where if there is pain, it is tolerated by virtue of compassion, empathy, which broadcasts mother-child. Thus formed unconscious installation to trust that love is possible, it is not terrible, the pain of these relations tolerable, but the joy is immeasurable. And to satisfy the need of another man – fun. After all, trust – the main thing that happens between people.
The way that it makes sense to go
– Many women suffer from the fact that her husband all interests – outside the family, he spends all his free time in the company of men friends, who for him is more important than anything else.
– Alas, as often happens. This can be traced, and the influence of culture, too. Yes, there are men who are not capable of spiritual and emotional intimacy with a woman. And in marriage a man is distant from his wife, but a real affection from him, for example, arise to a close friend. And well-behaved feel he will be in the men’s communities.