One of the difficulties through which often has to take place in the period of the divorce or the break in relations, – the painful feeling of guilt. And it occurs not only when you initiate the gap, thus causing pain to another person and destroying his hopes. Often the fault appears and when you – “aggrieved” party, that is, the one who left. The head start to creep into pestilential thoughts in the spirit of “What did I do wrong?” “Maybe it’s my fault?” “Maybe I was not sufficiently attentive / attractive / interesting?”. Or vice versa – “too caring / Custodian / attentive.” Let’s be honest: it is often the wood in the fire throws society, the environment and the “former”.

Misleading wine

James Hollis, in his book “Mental Waters” writes that the guilt is of three kinds: a real wine , false guilt and existential guilt . The first type – is our knowledge of the relevant reality is that we were wrong to have committed an offense, harmed. This wine, accompanied by repentance, leads us to spiritual transformation and personal growth. The third type – it is something as elusive global, as well as any existential question. This feeling of guilt in front of, for example, the planet – for the harm caused to her humanity, for his human nature (as a division belonging to all ills, who created mankind throughout history), for the starving, for environmental disaster and the destruction of seals . This is akin to the realization of “original sin” (and, perhaps, is its atheistic analogue).

And, as mentioned above, this is the second type – the false wine. Its source is always outside the real and current situation. This match is something from the past – from the situation where we are forced to be ashamed of yourself, feel guilty for some bad circumstances.

Unfortunately, the situation for the emergence of a false sense of guilt in our child’s life abound. And it is not always the reason for that word. Sometimes it is enough to see how to treat you. For example, a little girl is very strained relationship with his father. He frowns at her attempts to engage him in a game or conversation, regularly throws angry phrases in the spirit of “Leave me alone,” “I’m tired!”. And at some point, just give her to understand that her “stupidity” of his annoying and distract from the important things. What pattern is formed at this point in the minds of little girls? I do not like, because … Dad – indifferent egoist? Because he married my mother only because of her pregnancy, and her daughter serves as a perpetual reminder of this? Because he does not know how to express your love? No. A small child is not yet able to assess critically their parents. That will come later, but for now he was sure that if he did not love him that something is wrong!

The father – the first male in any woman’s life, just as a mother – the first woman in any man’s life. The pattern of “if I do not like, then, to me that something is not right”, usually takes its roots from here. And parents neglect their abandoned and accidentally phrases his unwittingly perpetuate. Especially when you give us examples of other children – more obedient, more accurate, more talented. The following installation is formed in the child’s head: “If I could I keep myself at a party as quietly as Tanya, and if I had a beautiful handwriting like Lena, my dad would have loved me.” And if there is no one who would have denied these speculations, someone whose love and unconditional acceptance could compensate for injury, it is fixed.

The little girl grows up and falls in love. At first, everything is going well, and she is absolutely happy – head in the clouds, and, like any woman in love, looking at her beloved through rose-colored glasses. And then … the boy is throwing it – he liked another girl, or just passed the love, or something else. Tormented his own guilt, he is at the moment (especially if it’s the first relationship) has really knows how to present his girlfriend. And, not having yet neither the courage nor the wisdom, is trying to shift responsibility to the girl. Explain that it is not suitable, because too nervous, smart enough, or just some … not so. The explanation is actually unimportant. It is important that it is once again secures the injury: “I’m not that.”

Guilty Without Guilt

Frankly speaking, our society also tends to blame if not a woman, I immediately appeal to its responsibility. A friend of mine, survived a break, during which her man behaved very ugly (left suddenly, without any explanation), the very next day, I heard a comment from friend: “Natasha, and maybe you should have the character to hold back ?!” . I mean, the first explanation for the reasons for the collapse of the relationship, which poses a colleague – it has some disadvantages very Natalia, not her partner. And this, given that they do not know the first month, and colleague is well aware that Natasha – not hysterical.

Very often in such moments, a woman who needs support receives instead reproachful gasps and sympathy rather strange form of “poor, probably to you that something is wrong … Maybe you need to go to a psychologist and understand why you you push men ?! “. And it’s not that the board is wrongful: maybe there really are schemes and patterns that interfere with a woman to establish privacy. Or maybe not! Maybe she was just unlucky! So, to say such things to the peak of emotion, when a woman is already knocked out of the rut – it means to give it a disservice – feed her feelings of guilt and worthlessness.

I remember how I myself once wrote in the comments: “If 34 is not yet married, you do not need to sit on dating sites, and to treat the head!”. And then I just walked away from a pretty painful break-up and a lot of discussing it with the psychologist … These words are like a punch in the stomach, especially if the woman and so tormented by the question: what is wrong with me?

I’ve seen a lot of these women, who are torn between psychologists, dating sites and training, because they are trying to understand and solve – what’s wrong with them? And often it turns out that there are no “insurmountable injuries” and “blame”. It takes a year or two, meet the person. But before that thoroughly torture including guilt.

And here we come to another important question – what is the meaning of the emerging sense of guilt?

“If you do not have Aunt …”, or why we appreciate the sense of guilt?

As I wrote above, there is a false sense of guilt, as a rule, on the basis of some sort of childhood trauma. But why is it back, and why people are so hard to keep him? Why is it so difficult to eradicate it, even if everything will insist that “it’s not you?” Even if the former spouse is wise, and also says that “you are beautiful, no doubt.” The mechanism of saving belief in our minds rather complicated. But it is almost always tied to some secondary benefits that accrue to our mind the preservation of this installation.

For example, the “fault” can be a sort of defense mechanism. She guards the mind from feelings of meaninglessness – one of the worst existential fears.

If the break in relations there is no obvious reason, if you just have a partner “have been feeling”, then in fact it is much worse than the explanation of the “cause in me.” Because it instantly puts us face to face with the emptiness of the universe to which we do not support, and there is no sense – other than that we come up with themselves. Very scary to find that we do not control all of his life. In another especially human life. Yes, our actions affect him and the relationship. But no matter how perfect we may be, he may have to stop loving. And leave. And to make it very ugly and cruel. For example, because he has changed and ceased to be a sensitive and sensitive young man, you know. Or because he has always been a callous egoist, but you did not want to notice. Or maybe he did not like you, and lived by inertia. Or maybe … there may be many explanations, and they do not like us, because they show our helplessness in the face in order to maintain the happiness of a lifetime. It’s very, very scary.

We are out to find the magic tool, method, opportunity, which will insure us from such falls. We believe that if you do it right, we get out of life “five” in the form of happiness forever. And if not, then we do something wrong. Or you have chosen the wrong method.

That’s why I do not like the positive psychology and books like “The Secret”. Because they inspire the idea of the omnipotence of man and the “correct” thinking, convinced that you are able to manage your life at 100%. Yes, with reservations, but these reservations often escape from the consciousness of people, and there is only “I can, if the mood right!”.

– What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? – I have seen many women confused and exhausted person who asked this question. And they have a very long time do not want to believe that there may be “all wrong”, because in fact it throws them into even deeper despair. At least at first.

– I do not understand now, why strive for some relationships if all at any time may be an illusion ?! Why do I need something, if it could end so suddenly? I thought it was a real relationship, true feelings, but it was …

In these cases, I always remember the wonderful phrase of the philosopher Bertrand Russell: “Happiness does not cease to be happiness, when it briefly and thought, and love does not lose its value due to the fact that the transient.” Yes, you can not always reassure yourself that phrase, but because the way it is.

Very often disappointing results in the depreciation. Like, what is now venturing something new if it might end the same way. Yes, probably, it will end. And, perhaps not. To these questions no one – neither a psychologist nor a confessor – not give an answer. But own answer gives the old song, “If you do not have Aunt …”. Yes, if you have no relationship, you can not be afraid of loss and new pain. If the relationship is – that you always risk. Even if at some point you feel that it is “the thing now.” People change, relationships transformed after us. This is the cycle of life, where we can not predict the next round.

Many people cling to a sense of guilt in an attempt to maintain control over this if you do not, then over the future. They believe that the guilt will help them make “work on the bugs.” Like, if I now how to follow Understand the situation and find what to blame, then the next time will not repeat this mistake.

But often in these situations is a feeling of guilt on the other pole of the healthy reflection. Any analysis of the situation requires an adequate and unbiased opinion. Absorption in the sense of guilt and its associated emotions can hardly be called the “impartial state” when we can fully assess their actions and those of a partner. If we gnaw self-blame, we are biased, bribed a juror.

Again, this does not mean that it is not necessary to analyze their actions, go to a psychologist to deal with patterns of behavior that may occur from time time in the relationship. But, as I wrote above, all this presupposes a sober, balanced state, where you can evaluate adequately and their behavior and actions of his partner. In this sense, the faster you will be able to free himself from the suffocating sense of guilt, so will be able to effectively carry out “work on the bugs.”