Half of the works of world literature about this: “Fathers and Sons”, “Taras Bulba”, “Hamlet, Prince of Denmark”, “The Miserly Knight”. Not to mention the basis of bases – the myth of Oedipus. All these texts – the dramatic conflict between father and son. And this is one of the most common problems which go to a consultation with a child psychologist.
While the child is small, he lives under the wing of the mother and father much trouble does not deliver. “King” – because life is subordinated to the whole family and is unique only fulfill his desires, his mode of the day, his mood. He is currently head of the family. But even in the midst of the so-called oedipal phase of development of the baby is a tender smile rather than an explosion of rage from his parents. Well, in the worst case – a grimace of irritation. This is when the mother around him indulge his father feels rejected and humiliated.
At the reception, family complaints about the behavior of the four-year son does not listen, insolent, no it is not cope with two nannies have resigned, and yet still only the beginning of the year. Plus there are episodes of nocturnal enuresis and encopresis even (pooping in his pants). After about half an hour the conversation turns out that the boy is sleeping in the parental bed, and still breastfeeds at night. Pope is greatly do not like, but it does not have the right to vote. Mom insists that since “all the more convenient.” Sexual life of parents is absent from the beginning of pregnancy, rather rarely happens “on the road”.
What can I say? Boy won the pope, took his place beside his mother, began to reign in the marital bed. He does not bring happiness, it is overexcited, is lagging behind in speech and mental development, both childish and “smart beyond his years.” I see his autistic traits, and is seriously concerned about the condition of the child. But my mother says that the baby is not ready to move further in a separate room. It seems that the situation is worse than at first glance.
Normally, the boy must survive the defeat of his father ( “this is my wife, and you look for yourself your own, when you grow up”), put up with it and turn toward peers. In this scenario of 5-6-year-old man he knows that he is loved, but give it a border guard from his own destructive impulses.
If the boy defeats the Pope, even symbolically, for example, the father leaves the house or dies, and the boy is at the mother – “my little peasant”, it causes severe blow to the mental well-being of the child. Oedipus is generally completed suicide, and before that blinded himself for that unknowingly became the husband of his mother and accidentally killed his father.
After the busy period of crisis occurs preschool pretty quiet phase that analysts called latent (ie, “hidden from external observation”), which lasts for the entire junior school until puberty. And the only thing that could overshadow the serene happiness of the family – is a divergence of views on how to be a boy, man. Conflict can go through the “father – son” and “father – mother”. Consider the example of his well-known to all of you.
His father – a powerful, brutal, real alpha male. It is easy to imagine him at the head of a large company or even a real gang. He’s not old, he was about forty, the most flourishing. Instil sons, he is not very engaged and boys are enrolled in a private school is closed, the wife keeps house and is afraid to tell him a word across.
The sons are very different. Senior, Ostap, as befits a first-born, and his eldest son, seeks to imitate his father, worshiping him, there is not even the shadow of teenage rebellion. He unquestioningly and unthinkingly comply with any requirements of older, no matter how absurd they may be. It is his father, his desires are not allowed. It is symptomatic that he was not carried away and do not care about women. Ostap did not seem to wake up to the adult male of life, he was “a good son” without becoming “a good husband.” Separation does not start (and did not happen, he die before).
Well, you find somebody in his entourage? The heir to the business, a boy who goes to the gym with my dad in the movie goes on vacation with my parents, all parties and revelry prefers adults talk in the kitchen. It is said about him: “We have excellent relations with the child!” Yeah, but how. Only a little child something almost eighteen years! And where his girlfriend (at least one)? And where hair color salmon mad? Where at least a crazy rap headphones? Nope. Psychologically, it all the same 7-9 years when the parents seem to be the most beautiful, most interesting and worthy people in this world. Most of it is frightening the thought that they would ever die, and it will remain one. Therefore, he prefers not to grow, to remain always a toddler – and then they will stay forever young.
Returning to Ostap, we note that the “old” Bulba fully endorses the ways grew Ostap. Still, my father, he is not a competitor, and always will cover the back, in the battle can be relied upon, betrayed. Such fathers are not worried about personal development, dreams and needs son. It is only a tool, a means to achieve their goals. I know a few of these boys, whose fathers consistently prepared his “Padawan”, it is not even concealed, “You have to finish this faculty to help me in the research.” Even one girl I know who received the same medical, because “I also must provide the parents in their old age!”. What parents super profitable business, and the salary of the district doctor and myself do not feed, the girl somehow missed. Like the fact that she can not stand people, blood and wake up early in the morning. Probably will go to the pathologists.
Andrew, the younger, and obviously, my mother’s son, escaped from the hands of his father. He is more free, flexible, secretive. Father him uncomfortable, he frowned contemptuously, when looking at a more gentle Andria. The school teaches that Andrew traitor. But whom he has betrayed? Only a gang of his father. It was not a war against the invaders of the motherland, one bandit gang raided a nearby peaceful city with intent to rob. All. Andriy betrayed the interests of the family. (Can you hear the beautiful music of “The Godfather” Can you imagine Taras Bulba by Marlon Brando I -? Easily It is the same old story..) Speaking very technical terms, Andrew embarked on the path of individuation, on that and put his head . Criminal mafia family does not need independent sons, he becomes a threat to the chapter of the clan. And I must die.
Quite often, the conflict between father and son is set to “low” monetary grounds. Low – is compared to “high”, ideological, ideological platform where representatives of different generations faced foreheads on the concept of the origin of the universe, relations between the sexes (conceptually, not in the sense of “What is this unknown girl came out in the morning from your room ?!” ), political views.
There comes a moment in the life of every family when grown little child begins to demand money. Just like that, without credit, receipts and bills. “I want the latest model of the iPhone, is the newest tablet and five thousand nalom weekly to drive the girl in the cafe.” And most importantly, still leads the arguments, such as “all the parents in the class almost on their pockets bucks to shove, one I have here – as an orphan rootless”.
This music is played around age thirteen and up to that beautiful moment when a son leaves his parents’ home. Usually mother and son spared his bills podpihivaet Tishkov, especially if it does not work and leads a household. But his father and breadwinner at some points in this alignment becomes throat. Because it is one thing – a wife and children, and quite another – to sponsor a hefty guy, which can plow.
It requires an explanation of the biology course. The thing is that all, absolutely all higher animals have an innate program of care of posterity. But it applies only to babies before puberty. Once the teenager starts to smell like the female / male ratio changes to it, it is no longer a child. Venter drives calf / cub / cub, not letting him drop to milk shores, snaps and can hit hard, forcing the young to search for their own food. Of adult males and say nothing. Young (assume) the wolf – a direct source of threats to the leader, a constant competitor is breathing in the back. While he is subject to the leader – he has the right to hunt with a pack, but if he finds the obstinate character, it expelled and he goes looking for his flock.
That’s the most important thing. While the boy obeys, not rude, he expresses his whole appearance a subordinate position, the father refers to him as a cub, and no problem. But when a teenager begins to demand, roughly speaking, an adult right ( “How much I want, in as much and I will come, and you did not decree!”), And the responsibilities of taking a child, in-leader father’s hair on the back of his neck stand on end and teeth bad Scala. Unless, of course, he is the leader, and not “the pants in the house.”
Albert of tragedy Pushkin wanted to about the same. Access to the father’s treasures, to adequately dress (fashionable outfit), go to the court (to drive friends to the cafe), a thoroughbred horse (normal wheelbarrow). Taking the responsibility for the estate, to deal with the vassals, to pay debts and taxes – a thank you, not knightly the matter and not romantic. So I have something even sympathize with the poor fellow Baron, disappointed in his son.
TIME TO NEGOTIATE
Today’s parents have a hard time. By law, we have to keep our children or to adulthood, or prior to graduation (if studying full-time and full-time). But the size of the content is not specified anywhere that generates endless conflicts. Someone refers to the experience of ancestors, “I have nothing …” Then the fork: “So let the children in no need” – or “And because nothing grew, became a man.” Someone uses the situation according to the manipulation of children: he who pays the piper calls the tune.
I think it is wise to enter those fathers who find strength in the first to admit that this “young ram” their terrible annoying, secondly, that they did still love, and thirdly, it is necessary to discuss and agree. Sometimes, if the irritation it is very large, as a truce appears the mother, but the father must necessarily participate in the preparation of the agreement, otherwise he will feel that he lit and used.
Everyone will be calmer, if the amount of the monthly allowance will be delivered, and even better – recorded in writing, the duties of the adult child also painted, the expectations voiced by both contracting parties. For example, the parents of the student have the right to demand a certain level of delivery sessions. For example, without triples. And if the whole semester walked and then crawled on his belly under the falling barrier – welcome to the adult world, with the installation of “a stamped – so burst.” A lot of that can be adjusted people who pay for the life of the unemployed.
There is another aspect to the subject of conflict between fathers and sons, about which I shall say. Rarely, but it happens that the boy was very rude, it becomes quite unmanageable, breaks from the coils in all areas: in the school problems, and with all the friends quarreled, and behaves strange. If you think that his behavior goes beyond the usual adolescent quirks – it’s time to child neuropsychiatrist. In 15-16 years there are the first manifestations of schizophrenia. It is important not to miss this moment. But everything else – in the normal range, read the classics.