The three most common spheres of family life where there are conflicts – it’s money, child rearing, and sex life. Today I want to talk about the material side, that is, how is distributed and spent the family budget.
The total “pot” or a different account?
Variations there huge set. Someone puts all the money into the general “pot”, one has two separate personal accounts, some combination of these two strategies. In the event of a total budget of some families there who they “charge”, in the other, both spouses have equal and free access to it. In families with a separate budget of some spouses exactly to the penny know the state of the accounts both have passwords and access to online banking for its second half; while others do not devote to each other in the area of personal finance and keep the wife away from their accounts.
Spend the money all the family in different ways. There are families where the spouses agree on almost all spending (up to buy new tights for his wife and shampoo for my husband), there are those who discuss only major purchase (then there’s the question arises: what specific family is “a major purchase”), and there are families where spouses are accurate and do not know about all the available assets of the partner. In some pairs all expenses are structured and divided into groups (rent, food, clothing, entertainment); while in others, everything happens spontaneously: the money is there, and a lot of them, the empty purses, and all sit on a “starvation diet.”
Seeing such a variety of options, often ask: “What about right.” And somehow, my friends, as long as both spouses sharing their family budget arranged. If two of the people in a marriage suitable option, when his wife sitting at home with children, full control of finance, literally giving her husband the money under the settlement and tracking all of its operations on the accounts of the bank – so great! Or if both spouses convenient that everyone has their own expense, their individual savings for personal purposes, all expenses are divided exactly in half, and none of them claim to full information on the financial situation of the partner, it is to tell them: happy for you, be happy! Or the circumstances are such that the wife earns money, and the husband stays home with the kids and watching the economy and their role in them joy – too anything criminal.
When a conflict
But, alas, not in all families, there is complete harmony in a thin and delicate issue of budget allocation. A striking example – Lena and Volodya. They are already married 1.5 years, the overall budget is not present, all major expenses (apartment rental, vacation, buying furniture, etc.), they are divided in half, the other expenses occur spontaneously when they are together, pays Volodya, when Lena is one, then It pays accordingly itself. It seems to be logical, but the situation is complicated by the fact that Lena almost always goes to the grocery store itself and pay for them, too, from her purse. And Vova likes meat, fresh vegetables, quality cheeses and sausages (which, as you know, comes at a price at current prices for the products). At the same time, together they recently where little walk because Volodya gets tired at work, and on weekends he likes to rest, lying on the couch watching TV.
As a result, Lena arises and intensifies a sense of injustice: the husband earns more, spends less, but still comes all ready in the evening, and entertain it will not lead (yes, a question of money, if he gets an edge, is rarely the only problem area in family). For Volodya, in turn, the situation looks completely different: he is happy that Lena took care of the housework themselves (because he believes it is a straight woman’s duty), and he puts the maximum amount of funds, as plans to take a mortgage in the coming year ( that, in his reasons, is its direct duty). That’s why he was genuinely perplexed when Lena begins to “quibble” to him because of the trifling expenses, in that it includes and entertainment.
Why am I? In addition, you need to talk. Ask questions, listen to voice their opinions, give feedback. Through this dialogue, you will be able to agree on what the organization of the family budget and expenditure will be useful is for your couple in particular the situation.
It is important to remember that how you distribute the family budget may change during life, with a change in life circumstances. Example: both husband and wife work in the family, they have a common budget and separate accounts for each; but his wife was pregnant and was about to leave in the decree. It’s time to discuss what will change when the wife will no longer get their regular salary. Someone agrees to pay a special “maternal” salaries, which a woman can spend on themselves, not reporting to her husband, someone provides a wife full access to his personal card and the bank, one of the husband gives his wife the money only on the small needs , ensuring that it is fully home and everything you need during a joint shopping trips.
Another situation: the wife is going to get out of the decree. There needs to be discussed, too, will change. Will it pay to spend solely on yourself and the satisfaction of their desires, or her salary will be sent to the general “pot” for sharing. Again, there is no right option, if both spouses is satisfied (satisfied, not in words, but by inner feelings that manifested outwardly not always).
Not only money
Another important issue for discussion in the family – is admissible or not their parents’ help. If permissible, in what amount, and how to treat it? If not valid, then how to tell family if they offer? If parents help with money, the extent to which they can intervene in the affairs of the family? This is probably one of the main issues, since money rarely come alone. For example, as spouses treat mom, who helped them to buy an apartment, it has got its own set of keys and does not consider it shameful to come when she pleases? Or how can we dictate the grandparents as they communicate with her grandson, if they have, in fact, contain?
In other words, in addition to communication difficulties over finance has another trick: the money issue rarely comes down to the money exclusively Practice shows him lie, and other important aspects of family life, such as:
control (who has money and who decides how to spend it, and in fact the real power)
justice and equality (I bring the family more money, and what you make?)
trust (if I can not do it afford, can I count on you to help me meet my needs?)
love, care and support (when you spend money on me / delishsya me money, you show that I’m the road).
These implications are important for the family. After all, if the money in the family represent control and confidence in, the woman may be afraid of the decree, and a man – to change jobs, which no longer brings no pleasure. In such a family can be a strong urge to fight with each other and the competition. Love and harmony in this pair is difficult to achieve, because it is not satisfied with one of the most important requirements in the relationship – the need for security.
If the same amount of money for a woman – it is a way to show and feel the care and love, and the husband stands up for a clear division in half of all costs and believes the purchase of flowers a waste of money, it would be greatly upset woman. If it does not find a way to explain their position and will save up resentment and anger, the risk to give up on family life.
If a question of money – it is a question of justice and equality, it is extremely important to discuss what each spouse brings into the relationship than money: it’s housework and child-rearing and care of the food and leisure, and the decision of the tax, medical and legal issues etc. Often, one spouse says that if he brings home the money, the other, who allegedly “not doing anything” should perform all other duties. What in this case will feel that, on the one labeled as and moved the lion’s share of responsibility, and whether these feelings help strengthen the family? The answer is obvious.
In summary, I note that the financial health of the family (from a psychological point of view) is characterized not by any specific strategies budget organization, and the ability to share the topic of money and relationship satisfaction, discuss difficult questions and flexibly change the strategy depending on external conditions. Be happy and live in prosperity (let me remind you that wealth – is that it is enough).