The dependency is very common in our country. One of the most frequent treatment occasions that I meet in my practice, – emotional dependence. It occurs when a person is suddenly alone and realizes that he can not stand it. Or when the separation happened long ago, but the calm did not come. Or when a person is immersed in depression, which is explained by the fact that in his life too much heat deficit, relationships, his life emotionally poor.
Why is it that people can not live without any relationship? The fact is that to be a feeling of warmth and intimacy – a primordial human need. A child develops in the womb of a feeling of warmth and tenderness, he could hear the beating of a mother’s heart, she feels the warmth of her womb. The heat – it is a condition of life, and the need for it remains unconscious sensory memory forever. And we believe it is a normal, healthy, correct. But here lies the danger of addiction. If a person has accumulated a large deficit of heat, and somewhere there is a ray, heat source, then the person can be difficult to break away from this source, he reaches for it with his whole being, forgetting everything.
IN NO EVENT is a dependence?
On the dependence we say that when a person can no longer accept the free solutions, it will ill (A. Langley). Man can not be personal, can not be correlated with its depth – it relates to the subject of addiction, his life begins to obey a certain action to it to achieve the desired object.
In the case of emotional dependency object is a person, a relationship. Dependent feels alive, feels good feelings only in the presence of its object, it becomes a life for good, only if he lives it with the object of their addiction. At the same time the value of the other person is exaggerated, fixed dependent on the relationship with him, his condition is defined as the relationship he had with this man, how much attention he received. There is jealousy, suffering, depending if the object is not completely belong to him, there is a desire to always be in contact with the desired, there is no satiety, wants to communicate more and more.
Everything is an increasing need in a relationship is accompanied by an increasing lack of confidence in itself. If attention is distracted by an object depending on someone else, the person perceives this as a reluctance to communicate with him, because he is not interested and is not good. Dependent people with further and further away from him. His condition is dependent on something located outside, on what he can not control and guarantee yourself. This increases the tension and fear and excessive loads relationship expectations.
AS THERE emotional dependency?
As described by A. Langley, dependence occurs when a person experiences a “hunger for life” when he did not have relations with them, when a man does not live authentically, when his life was accompanied by a lack or loss of meaning. The disadvantage of living values of a person tries to make up for the relationship.
In my work I often see a combination of depression and addiction. It occurs when a person with chronic deficit sense of “I like it”, dissatisfaction with their lives, feelings of dissatisfaction and a lack of faith in ourselves there is someone who gives you this feeling at least in some form, type, quantity. But it still does not fill enough to experience life fully, and then to dependence joins depression.
People who develop an emotional relationship to feel a longing for the good life. As a rule, the relationship to them-it is super-value, they are sensitive to the respect of others, often have the feeling sometimes that they do not like to underestimate, without notice. Internal uncertainty is manifested in the fact that man is hard to believe that it is for someone important, valuable and interesting, it is constantly gnawing doubt about it. Parting for such people is very painful, they quickly become attached to the people, the place. Such a person can come to vacation, to spend a month with new acquaintances, and then depressed by parting with pleasant and warm people.
WHAT personality traits typical for addiction?
Firstly, it is impossible to withstand unpleasant. Secondly, the difficulty in limiting his desires, to realize that not all the desires that arise in humans, must be implemented. In the third place, the desire to shift responsibility for their condition to others. Finally, it is a low self-worth, children’s idea of the perfect world and the undeveloped relationship with yourself. Thus, we see the infantile personality traits: a life for a man is good only when there is only good when all desires are fulfilled, when all love him.
Why someone has not generated high self-worth? Self-value was originally built on the fact that we get it from another. But when it is given most often in the form of marks for good behavior and is taken when a person has done something wrong (and in childhood is often the case), it begins to form a dependence on the opinions of others and by the rules and regulations created by others, leading man all farther and farther away from himself. As a result, it does not create this internal soil, which enables a stay to any situation.
Why emotional dependence occurs in some people, while others do not? Probably, this children’s infantile part of the personality is a way to meet the thirsty. On the one hand, such a person stored heat sensitivity and desire, and proximity on the other hand, the immature person finds ways to achieve this, so that a stay, be in equilibrium with each other and the world, responsible for their own condition.
Stories from life
I will give some examples from my practice ( all names have been changed ).
Marina, 28 years old . For two years in a relationship with a married man who is much older than her, was a friend of her father. Her boyfriend formally lived with his wife and was not going to interrupt the relations in the family, she does not want children together. He says he loves her, care, attentive to her. She is going through with him a good feeling, but seeing no prospects, occasionally he wants to leave, because she wants a family and children.
From family history:
She grew up in a family where there was a cold, functional mother. The girl never asked what it is important to know what she feels and thinks. There was very little physical contact. To some degree heat gave her father, who had been kind to her. But he was completely under the influence of the power of his wife and in all obey her, gave her daughter the warmth and understanding, but as soon as his wife thought it unnecessary, immediately retreated. The girl did not find in it support, but ran to his father, because he was the only source of heat.
It addressed so that she could not bear to part with her man, but did it several times, and again returned. She understands that very little gets into the relationship, she wants more intimacy and warmth. But she can not leave, because without it, it would be even worse, she feels lonely and afraid of it. “I understand that this is not enough, but, as was once with my father, I ran to him, and now I get some crumbs, but can not live without them.”
When it comes to conduct an internal dialogue to try myself to give more intimacy and warmth, Marina says that perceives it as something that the world until it has no business. She does not want to help herself, waiting for the world of good, warmth, support and acceptance. If it is something she has to do, so no one wants to and will not help her ever. The world is perceived as unfair and cold. Marina big deficit proximity, self-worth, there is no relationship with him. Due to the fact that she received from her father warmly, it is not closed by the senses completely, but remained in the great famine.
Maksim, 42 years old, married with two children . Very sensitive. Considered the most important in the life of a great relationship, companionship, intimacy. It helps to all who turn to him, suffers due to a lack of close relations.
Wife with a pronounced histrionic personality disorder, trying to control it in all its manifestations, in addition to the work: with whom he is friends like to spend time. She believed that no one but the family should not interest him, including his own parents and friends. In her opinion, the leisure time he should only be with her, he should not have their own interests and hobbies. Maxim vengeance resists, but it came to nothing lead, and he gives up. At the same time he does so, his wife thinks is right, she’s sweet and kind to him, he is good with it.
Maxim used to doing what he likes secretly, because he did not stand scandals, which he rolls his wife, when he does something on his own. He suffers from the fact that not living the life that I would like to, but even to think about the separation does not want, says he loves her, and that when she was with him, it is very valuable to him.
From family history:
The parents loved him, in a family relationship with people regarded as the most important value, it was brought up with the installation of “first by helping others, even to the detriment of themselves.” The family often tells the story of how his great-grandfather gave his food to other people during the famine. They are very proud of them. Maxim lived on this plant, considering that to live correctly, putting himself in the last place.
As a result, it is dependent on the relationship man unsure of himself, but has a great intellect and knowledge, is a good professional, he appreciates the guidance and often encouraged. By occupation he sometimes goes on business trips, where it is possible to live a little as it wants. “I – as a runaway teenager who escaped to freedom,” – says Maxim about these days.
But Max does not feel right to you to do something for yourself. He had no relations with a low self-worth, the value of the relationship turned into a super-value.
Marina, 35 years old . If her praise, it blooms, filled with energy and confidence. If you hear about yourself something bad, then cries and feels nothing. Feel insecure, she does not think that is any value, can not forget the young man who spoke to her in social networks, and then stopped.
“I like iron filings attracted to a magnet to any good to themselves and can not come unstuck. And for that I do, people hate, “- she said to me. Marina never had a relationship with young people.
From family history:
Marina grew up in a military family. Father strict knows, as we all should live, sets the bar high in front of children. A daughter is constantly compared with others, assessing Marina is not in its favor. Everything she does, says nonsense, unworthy of attention. At the same time loves a daughter, she does not deny anything, periodically tells her that she is beautiful and intelligent.
How can I help the dependent person? He needs to build relationships with them, build the inner core, which allows you to stay in balance and not lose yourself, focusing on someone outside.
The fact is that no one knows a person better than himself. In this fast life, high speeds, each person can only grasp the part of the other, and not the fact that we are talking about a real person, not their own ideas about it. Who but the man himself, can see all the facets of his personality, to feel him, to understand his motivation? In order not to be offended because of the fact that you have not seen for real, it is important to learn how to be friends with them, to see themselves through the eyes of the good, keep yourself and give yourself the closeness, empathy, acceptance.
We all need others, but it is important not to depend on this. How can you resist external depreciation from significant others? Create an internal opponent, which may reflect the depreciation of the external internal view of yourself. And it will be a friendly look at yourself, who wants to understand rather than condemn.
But for many people it is not clear what it means to “seek to himself as a best friend.” Communication with them is not perceived as something important and necessary, and attempts to conduct an internal dialogue are unsuccessful: the dialogue turns dry, functional, unfeeling. This is a typical problem for these people. They have no sense of the importance of development of relations with them, and they can not appeal to him not to the level of cognitions, and feelings of measurement. As a rule, they are waiting for this from the other. Deficiency of heat received from the other, gives rise to a sense of injustice and the high expectations of the world.
It is important to understand that the formation of a good relationship with yourself – it’s a long process, and it is inevitably associated with human maturing, adult outlook on life values, a sense of the world as the host and benevolent. An immature person wants to receive from the other, but not to work. Growing occurs when a person becomes responsible for your mood and state of mind and not shift this responsibility onto others. But this turn of others to yourself is the most indebted dependent on other people.
From what steps is the process?
Survive and take the injustice of the world, to go along with it. Say to yourself, “I wish I did not have the love and warmth during childhood”, “It is a pity that the world will not always give me as much heat as you want,” and then go through it as a loss, grieve, mourn and accept it.
Take the world in its reality: to see it not illusory, like a fairy tale, but in a way it is. To see and acknowledge that it has and injustice, pain and suffering – and that while there are many good and valuable. The fact that the world is experiencing unpleasant things, does not mean that the world is unkind to me. He’s just such imperfect.
Jump from the desire to receive a pleasant warmth and intimacy from someone to the fact that you give it himself. Of course, incomparably more pleasant to receive from someone warm as a gift, without internal efforts. The thought “now I have to do it for himself,” may not be very fun. In this moment there is something repulsive and delimited, as if the world lightly dismisses you, and it is experienced as cold. And it really is to some extent true. But this is the most important moment of growing up: to realize that the time comes when it is time to let go of his hand and mom or dad to go further.
It is possible, I am sad about it, still see and advantages that finds freedom when you can not be alone and to feel the warmth and closeness of being alone. It is not always from other people, you can get what you need and at a time when you want it. Unlike himself, who is always there.
And this process, this turn to him becomes the basis for forming a bottom in the bottomless barrel of dependence. It is difficult to say when the bottom finally becomes strong, but at some point it happens – and there is support person.
The more a person is engaged in his own inner need for love and intimacy, the more likely it is that once it becomes a habit, a natural state. Yes, perhaps, the first attempt will be broken when over and over again will want to leave it as it is and again cling to power dependence or roll back into the depression, but if you do not give up, sooner or later, people will feel the support and the inner core. Seeing that the interior tenderness for yourself can be very comforting and effective. So there is growing up. So a person begins to walk the road of maturity and independence.
In conclusion, I want to wish all of us to be a little addicted in a good way – from the life of the people close to us, by itself, its implementation and the desire to make this world better and kinder.