This article began with the parsing of files in the computer. I went over and came across the draft instructions for the one-year old infant care. There I was with jokes and rhymes describing her husband what to do with the child during my absence – to make sure that my daughter is not splashing in the toilet, did not fight with the cat did not eat mashed hands … read – and almost burst into tears. I have been divorced for almost a decade, and she decided to leave her husband without any significant reason to break off relations.
Yes, the years of loneliness have helped to grow up, learn to earn, be responsible for yourself and loved ones, to make decisions. I traveled a lot, has released several books, published articles tonne. My daughter traveled to festivals, spent the night in the woods, swimming in the Volga, walked on foot floor-Crimea.
But I’m not the father, put them on a horse, taught a fire and put up a tent, fly a kite, and fencing. I sat on their performances and exhibitions planned birthdays and puffing, dragged into the house of a Christmas tree. Father never read them books and taught to think, did not protect them, and did not visit the hospital. Yes, it is fair to pay child support and communicate with their children whenever possible … but it was not there. And all the time of our marriage, he was a good father.
Rada of his happiness, I thought – what will happen to our children, why I’m throwing in the trash that can be repaired, rebuild anew. If I had known in his 30, that won to 40 – about the different languages of love and support different ways of how to negotiate, how to work with their partner’s injuries and trauma – may be the family survived. Or at least I would not give up without a fight.
The reasons for divorce – not significant individually. Two nedolyublennosti not ready for adult family life. Two kids, same age, a bad life, conflicts with the kinsfolk, the lack of implementation in the profession. And most importantly – the inability to hear another person’s feelings and needs, doubts and resentment. I was selfish, capricious, I thought that if I want it, so we want it. I am trying hard to be a good wife, cooked three-course meals, carefully perform the conjugal duty, saving themselves and did not know how to conduct budget. I was cold and lonely in a marriage, bored and scared. Rather, my husband felt the same way. But the silence – talk about feelings we did not know how. Divorce seemed to be the simplest solution …
History has no subjunctive mood. Perhaps the marriage was doomed from the beginning. Or we would have turned to the couple, who live “for the children” and silently hating each other. Or, as the years have learned to listen, to become wiser, more tolerant, would give more love children, and each other. Or … I have enough of my daughters grow up without a father. And I did not think about them, saying to her husband, “I want to leave.”
This rarely think, going to divorce. For many women it seems that after leaving her husband “would understand their mistakes”, “fix”, will spend more time with the kids, meekly obey the rules and regulations on the way to the nursery, generously pay child support and understand all of the needs of the former family.
Who would argue, there are fathers who provide ex-wives, perfectly communicate with children of, do not skimp on travel, gifts and payment of bills. But, according to statistics, more likely, it will happen more. You try to survive from the shared home, to leave without saving, hang on you the total loan or mortgage. Alimony will penny, irregular or even disappear altogether. With the baby daddy will be spending a couple of days a month, zakarmlivaya its hamburgers, zadarivaya junk, and even meet new girls. Often, the meeting will end in tears, nightmares and endless answers to the question “why daddy does not live with us.” It is possible that, for grandparents, for relatives and friends of the father the children will also become “former”.
Yes, there are situations where a divorce – the best possible option, the lesser evil.
The husband – an alcoholic, a drug addict, ludoman spender. He is a psychopath, hit and hit home. Vadinho and libertine, suffers sexual deviations, started a second family. He insists on the termination of pregnancy requires to get rid of a “special” child. Apostate, he left the sect, intends to leave the country, and you do not want. Or you failed to pass together through terrible trials – death of a child or family member, serious illness children or a spouse, poverty or war … Anything can happen.
Before the revolution, the church thought so:
“A legitimate reason for the termination of a marriage Council recognized a falling away from Orthodoxy, adultery and unnatural vices, inability to marital cohabitation, leprosy or syphilis, missing, the awarding of a spouse to the punishment which is connected with deprivation of all property rights, violence to life or health spouses or children snokhachestvo, procurement, benefit from the indecencies spouse, join one of the parties in the new marriage, an incurable severe mental illness and malevolent abandonment of one spouse to the other. ”
Modern Orthodoxy added to the list of alcoholism, drug addiction, HIV, abortion without the consent of her husband and the husband’s claim to have an abortion.
I asked my friends, somehow survived the divorce in their lives, what they think, and that’s what they told me.
Belovy Altynay Paul, 40 and 42 years old, happy parents with many children:
“A family makes sense to save, if it still somehow exists, if you have something to fix. And if there is even the appearance, not to mention love, why try to revive something decaying? My first marriage, fortunately, covered, Pashkin long first marriage went to pieces and ended with a scandalous divorce, and now twenty years old this year we will celebrate. At one time, a very temporary patrol went in our favor. During these twenty years there was everyone. Sometimes it makes sense to live quite separately, to see how the one without the other. We have a three-month separation great help. The family we have kept what is infinitely glad even now. LORD gave another daughter. If you have something to keep, why not try it, and if nothing, then why force yourself. ”
Marina, 41 years old, and Sergei, 47 years old, divorced:
Marina: “With her first husband we met in ’92. He was 24, 18. I separated, lived together for five years and giving birth to a child. Since then, happy … divorced. The family did not. Firstly, our outlook on life – what is good and what is bad, duty, freedom – all different. He was an adventurer, I am a conservative. He was an early bird, I’m a night owl. I am a homebody, he was a tramp. Opposites attract, but one attraction does not go away when you want to build something. I wanted peace and comfort, but these words sounded like a death sentence for him. You can learn a lot when there is a common path. And when there is, why suffer in vain? We stayed friends. Husband of Sergei useless, but he’s a great companion, caring dad and a better companion in the adventures do not find. ”
Sergei: “I do not regret that I was married to his first wife. As I do not regret that he was married twice. Marinka gave me a wonderful kid who grew up in is now twenty macho. The child, of course, brought a lot of trouble, but the joy and excitement in my life has brought a lot more. My wife is not well suited to each other, but who thinks about it in 20-25 when at Spring Street, and on the calendar of great, funny, shebutnoy 90th? We lived fun, but we did not “according to the ordinance.” Divorce has given me a lot. From the hated and hating supruzhnitsa make a great companion for me, a good professional and a good wife for quite sane person. I have a good relationship with the second Marinkin her husband and daughter from a new marriage. ”
In my environment there is a variety of pairs. Those who are divorced peacefully and happy in your new marriage, maintaining a friendship with “former”. Those who are divorced loudly, with buckets of mud, and the child has lost contact with one of the parents. Those who are divorced, plus or minus safely, but it is a positional war for child support and how to communicate with children. Those who are not divorced, his wife forgave grave sins and love sealed with family ties. Those who are not divorced, and gave birth to children for years regretted that did not leave until everything was easy. Those who are not divorced and lives in a neighbor, without interfering with personal life spouse. Those who have been raised by getting rid of a spouse, living in body, but the soul maimed by alcohol, drugs or the insatiable rage. Those who are divorced and over the years can not heal the wound.
Commented Sergei Bayteryakov, counselor:
“Psychologists, including myself, mostly, humanists and seek to preserve marriage as a marriage or a serious relationship – an important part of a person’s identity. The trauma of divorce is often comparable to or even greater injury on bereavement due to the death. Choosing a break in relations, you choose the death of some part of yourself. So divorce is more like a surgical operation, it should be done when there is no further possibility to treat a relationship or when the poison of gangrene already poisons everything. There is a clear indicator that the divorce should start to think – when you step by step, it is becoming less and less. ”
There is no single rule for all families. This is your life, your marriage and your future.
I’m just asking you.
Before you say “I want a divorce”, make sure to do everything possible to save the marriage. What is not tired of poverty, illness, or decree with cranky kids, not the result of a stupid quarrel, momentary discontent trifling offense. You really are not able to forgive an error, misconduct, false, fleeting affair, occasional angry words, fit of anger, and a cause for resentment really is and not coined mother-in-law or a jealous girlfriend.
Can you imagine, what a divorce will turn your children and loved ones, think about the future. Desperate to find a common language to hear and understand the person with whom vowed to pass life. Tried all means to reach an agreement, spoke with the confessor, consulted with a psychologist, tried to disperse and break apart. No matter what does or does not make her husband – it is important that you do everything in your power.
Commented priest Dionysius Kostomarov:
“How painful and important is the theme of the family, I know from the practice of ministry a priest. In the last six years in my calendar, there is almost no one Sunday when to me not complained about the difficulties of family life. And what?
I realized one thing: there are no universal answers and the same family. Anyone who promises to solve your problems for you – a charlatan. And at best deluded and often deliberately deceive.
The only advice that I can give to anyone in the first place because it is constantly repeating to himself: “Be ready to change yourself, if you want to change things around.” Why is that? Due to the fact that adults do not tend to listen even to the most correct words, if they do not want to hear them. Even asking for advice, most of us want confirmation of already formed intentions and decisions.
Presumptuous and naive to think that to form the correct image of the family in his head, a husband or wife, it will automatically match the reality. Well, if the spouses are willing to discuss the problem of intra-family relations calmly, with respect to each other and to the right conclusions from the discussions. But this is rare. And what is the end of the family?
No, not the end. The conflict is always two sides, and if one of them deaf, you can always try to change yourself. Perhaps it would be that we have forgotten the language that spoke to each other when it seemed that we understand their half at a glance. ”
Conjugal love undergoes ups and downs, weakens and becomes stronger, fueled by care and respect, understanding and support, sincere prayer. Before we go to the next heat, make sure that the home-fire, not a single embers …
Or try to fan the flames of the last remaining sparks. Miracles sometimes happen, you might wake up with my husband a beautiful spring morning and remember how to love each other!
And love – today, now.