This is a terrible and heavy text. If you are pregnant – it is better not to read. I hope that my career will no longer be such. Long did not dare to publish it. But I come to the conclusion that still need to publish. Firstly, the text opens up an important topic is exhausted if the human brain by the presence of a full-fledged entity. Secondly, and this is very important for each of us: modern hospitals should be changed. Behind their walls are created unimaginable suffering. And it’s not just in hospitals. And the fact that these sufferings are hidden behind the walls, and most people do not have them any idea. A must have. And reports task – to make the reader to put someone else’s moccasins, to be in someone else’s skin. To wean him to judge. Teach him sympathy and tact. Wean him to write on the forums “samaduravinovata”. Women’s Hospital – a world which does not have a representation of men and women without children. Women’s tears hidden it there and not see the rest of the world. But each of us can give up in this hell.

Names of patients changed due to the possible identification of their stories and to preserve patient confidentiality

If there is a paradise on earth branch, it is post-natal ward. If ever there were a branch of hell, it is – the Department of Gynecology.

Ian groans in pain, standing on all fours on a hospital bed. Her head bent over the opened package from the supermarket, which her husband quickly pulled out of cabinets, tumbled to the floor what was in it.

– I’m going to be sick! – Jan moans and writhes in the next bout.

Jan gives birth. She was trembling with fever, her pale face, sweat on his forehead and opened his mouth. Exhausted eyes looking off into the void. It rocks on all fours on the diaper, which should fall out of her dying 23-week child. Down she does not want to watch. Her husband startled, almost reflexively stroked her back.

Jan gives birth in the House for six. She gives birth to her husband, not because this hospital humane, but because it stimulated generations were on visiting hours. The chamber can now enter anyone. Her husband does not even have shoe covers – he just sits there in street clothes. For those visitors to put on shoe covers, no one was watching.

Ian groans and asks anesthesia.

– Vkoly her spazmalgon – A team of doctors.

Nearby, in the next bed is another patient: it is also a 22-week belly, but her baby is safe. She’s a risk of miscarriage, but she brings – its “prokapali” and already discharged, recommending not keen on washing floors. This girl sees and hears everything that goes with Jana.

She brings an excerpt.

Ian, just moving away from pain, says goodbye:

– Forget everything you’ve seen here. Are you all going to be different!

In another way it could have been Yana. The first screening at 11 weeks was good, but as it turned out, the doctor conceded serious pathology development. Jan did not yet know. From 20 weeks, she felt the baby moving in her stomach, enjoying the pregnancy. And two weeks later there was a second screening, which said that the child is not a part of the brain. And what if she brings it alive, he would not live more than three hours. And she had one last chance to finish all this torment for him and for myself, because abortion is permitted in this case up to 23 weeks.

– What are you sitting there for doctors in consultation, skip this pathology development can not be! It had to abort before 12 weeks! – Said Jan geneticist in the perinatal center.

It was the most terrible hours of her life. And she made her choice – kill him now. In the perinatal center advised the hospital, because here in the department of gynecology able to gently soften the cervix using laminaria sticks – natural seaweed.

Only cervix Jana so hard to keep the kids that she did not have one stick and one day. I had to repeat this “softening”. And how disappointing: other cervical healthy children do not hold, and they have to sew to doterpet before delivery, like its neighbor, Olga. And her neck so tightly clutched in the pregnancy, though she loved this child (freak like to call him Ian) and wanted to keep all the forces.


Twenty-four hours ago I was taken to the Department of Gynecology N-th Moscow hospital with bleeding and abdominal pain. A month ago, I gave birth to a healthy baby. On ultrasound found the remains of membranes, and now I had to “clean” from the beginning and save endometritis. House was an infant.

The first two hours in the hospital, I reflexively went to swing back and forth as if rocking a baby. When I finally fell asleep, I imagined crying. A hiss of the refrigerator in the room through the nap I perceived as escaping from the stove porridge, which urgently needs to be rescued.

When “othodnyak” from the baby was a little, I begin to look around. The ward six beds. Girls discuss patients:

– …She is 17 years old. Abortion, says, do come! We have half the country can not, and it is an abortion!

Anya, the blonde 20 years, returned after shots and pulled the panties to proudly demonstrate the “battle wounds”. Both blue buttocks.

– She said to me: “Now be antibiotic – patience, it hurts.” I went down pants, she looks – and says: “Well, not for me to tell you” – laughs Anna.

Her neighbor, redheaded minx, takes the mobile and takes her ass:

– Lay out on Youtube, yes? – Laughing blonde

– Of course! – Jokes red.

Blonde goes to the fridge and puts his pants cabbage leaves – say, helps with bruises.

We go to dinner. One of the neighbors, redheaded minx, presented by Jana. And immediately I began fanatically salt all hospital food from a large package of salt, which she always carries with him. I did not know that she was pregnant, she was quite small for such a period, the stomach, barely visible from under the robe.

In the dining room a woman came in costume zebra – even with a tail and ears. As if it was brought to the hospital straight from a children’s holiday.

– Look! Zveropolis! – Laughs Ian.

– You’re a fool, be quiet, she will hear! – Kept her friend laugh.

Redhead always let scabrous jokes. But inside it is already doing its job kelp. A child who only live for about a day, moving inside. Yang then tell you that when “the process has begun,” and began in the womb spasms every time he fluttered like a butterfly.


– I appendages chill, – says Anya. – Well, I pulled and pulled – not paying attention. And then a sharp pain went. They brought me and pierced right “to live” – any liquid accumulated there. I yell: pull out of me all you stuck in me! Then I had a painful shock – I was vomiting and a temperature of 39 degrees. I say girls, take me to smoke. Drove. I smoke. Immediately and the temperature was asleep, and the nausea passed.

I take out my breast pump and start to express milk. From the eye immediately hail the tears roll. I turn away. If the milk comes and the child is not applied to the chest, the body sends a signal of feeding mother about the possible death of the baby, and I experience this hormonal explosion of uncontrolled tears. While the mind and realize that a child is all right.

– Why are you crying? – Asked a neighbor, a woman of 35, Margaret.

– Milk is, and the baby is not pokormiiit – I roar.

– We have your problem – sigh Margarita. And calling on the phone: “Mom, take to wash my clothes. They are all in blood. ”

– What happened to you? – I asked her.

– I had a miscarriage last night. 13 weeks.


I lead a viewing right in the operating room. I go there in the clothes, which is not sterile, and next to me “clean” the sleeping girls. Head thrown back on his side in the oxygen masks, feet stretched out to the side, out of which drips into a bucket krovischa. From sight sickened me. Inspection chair right next to them.

After inspecting me decide to scrape too. Give out a hospital gown, told to shoot cowards and wait for consultation anesthesiologist on a bench in the hallway.

In the operating room and dressed, mind you, no panties, I’m sitting in the same place, where visitors sit in dirty pants and put your bags. On sanitation are not taken care of. Near the smoky corridor and the door of the operating room, which is always open here and there. Through a doorway can be seen spread on the gynecological chair women.

In the corridor zhutchayshy draft. Near Department of therapy, go to some kind of tuberculous men with criminal shaven skulls. One wanders into our department, if the girl is looking for love. His T-shirt says “Here I just rights.” Hospital staff its hard pack off, but he “walks” and he is right. “Walk at home!” – Grumbling nurse.

On a bench in the corridor, I expect about an hour, having thoroughly frozen. I ask to bring me out of the room and covered with a blanket, first leg, and then, when the cold is already freezing ears, covering the head and fall asleep suddenly: lack of sleep affects month.

– What is that? – Wakes me indignant voice of someone from the medical staff.

– I’m waiting for surgery and frozen.

– And what is there a wait? Go wait in the chamber!

I crawled into the room, take a cup of boiling water and go.

– Wait until the floor is dry! – Duty orders on the table. I have no time to wait, and when she turns away, I dart over boiling water.

– I told you to wait! – She barks. – They go here and drink tea, can not wait for dinner!

– I do not boiling water for tea. I need to scald a breast pump to express milk baby before surgery. Sorry, I can not wait.

Duty on the table relented and pointed to the boiling water.

Transfer the milk to her husband, I do not have time, so I say: “Come into the room and take away from the refrigerator itself.” Her husband runs smoothly and the department, and to the House, despite the fact that it was not visiting hours. “The guard was not” – he says.

I fall asleep on the gynecological chair, reeled on his feet some rags in the form of boots. But with warm cloths, and it is good.


When I woke up with ice on his stomach, Ian was already lying under challenging dropper. The ward was quiet. The girls were talking in whispers.

– What happened? – I asked.

– Jana giving birth – Marguerite lowered her eyes.

When the process has begun, it went back and forth a few hours, in a frenzy, from bed to bed. He came to her husband, and they went to “fatten fight” in the corridor. There, she was crying, moaning and bent.

– How much it will last? – I asked Jan intern.

– No one can tell you. This is a natural process. Few hours.

Entering the room, they asked permission.

– Of course, it is possible, do you think I’m going to send you out into the corridor to give birth? – Indignant I feel second-class carriage. From me flows krovischa I periodically take off the diapers on the floor and exposes the fact that I now have on the bed. And yet – to express milk. All it sees a stranger – a man, but we can not do anything. I turn away from them – they are from me.

And then everyone who can walk, called on the injections. And began to fashion parade: from each chamber, who cheerfully and who along the wall, crawling Girls Generation Y with paisley patterns on ethnic trousers, silk robes, sexual shorts, bare pricked fifth point, and from the office out already as old nag , holding their sides and groaning. Usually, all humor. But today, all sitting in the cold and silent horror. It moans of our chamber are heard on all the department.

– Who’s that screaming?

– We have in the House of the girl gives birth.


– And what is her life, then?

– 23 weeks.

Again silence: all all understand, and looked down. Someone asked indignantly:

– And why not in the hospital?

– Because in the hospital screaming children. But she did not cry! – Margarita explained. – Do you think, what is it going to be?

– And we what? – I ask the question hangs in the air.

– Next, said the same! – I think the third time yells nurse from the treatment room. Someone finally got up and went into the office.

When I come back after the injection, Ian pushes her husband to the door:

– Get out! Go away, and it is now climb!

Husband leaves.

Three minutes later Ian begins to groan and suddenly shouts:

– He climbs! Climbs !!! Call all !!!

I run out into the corridor. Nowhere I do not see any doctors or nurses. Then I cry all the department:

– In the fortieth ward child climbs !!!

Ran. They ran out of their doors. The doctor on duty chic at me:

– Why are you yelling at all the branch !!! Get out of here! Not climbs! A born!

I roar. Born – what is the word found. As if he was destined to live. And I did not have time to look up words.

I’m running somewhere around the corner, where there is a TV set, and sit on the couch general. Below me the bloody diaper underlayer. I’m after the operation, I am dizzy. But back to the ward I still can not. Here he sits and watches TV Margherita mechanically. We hear the door slam behind us. Then Ian tells what happened:

– Watch will be? – I asked the doctor.

– No! – Jan shouted. She closed her underbelly diapers and looked up, only to be accidentally not see “even a finger, or the end of life will not forget!”.

– Girl – the doctor said.


Our house was empty because Jan was taken “to clean.” We’re going back.

– Girl, where to change underwear? – Comes the nurse. We point out Janina bed.

– How long is he threw out, huh? – Indifferent interested orderly and carries wet diapers.

Bring Jan in half an hour. And lay on the same bed.

– Thank God, it was all over. As long as I give birth?

– Five hours, – I say. – For you prayed the entire corridor.

There comes a doctor to examine her.

– Water drink less – tells the doctor. – And what you have here – shows on the chest – are balls. Pregnancy has ended – means it is necessary for someone to feed. So ask relatives to bring a bra to make room.


The ward was ordinary life, and yet somehow stiffly, as if everything conspired to take what happened as a natural and necessary. But something inside me says that it is not natural, it’s scary. It seems to be all right: she decided to end the torment defective, and the patient is not capable of human being life. And still there is no escape from the feeling that there was a murder. I’m holding back the sobs, recalling her baby and how in love he pressed me, but now I weep for the child Ioannina. The soul sat words to her doctors: “If you are his denunciations, he will live his 3 o’clock”. 3:00 love, that he never would get! Or … three o’clock meal? But even as he suffered! I so want to have this child was the 3 hours in the hands of a loving mother, and he was not allowed … not given! whether the right had ?! But I never ask this question Yana. I understand that I know not everything, and that she may have thought about it many times and took the decision not to one. And I believe that its solution – a reasonable and correct. And maybe, in her place, I decided to be exactly the same, but … how sad.

23 weeks she loved her child, stroking her stomach. And suddenly, at one point, I had to force myself to start hating him. What changed? There was knowledge. Eve ate the apple. But does this complete knowledge? What if, by looking 70 years in the life, it is bitterly finds that only these 23 weeks and were only given her the happiness of motherhood? And everything that she would regret – is that they are not extended to forty. A number of the some, the number of Christ – 40 weeks along. Let a freak. But happiness is sometimes ugly.

And if … if he had lived not 3:00? If the doctors were wrong? How many terrible “if” lies on a bed Janina. And that would be a denunciation she did give birth, and she would in a normal hospital? We would have given it the 3 hours of love? have dragged the bundle in the intensive care unit and with all … Howl did not weep, beg do not ask! Like this!

In the evening, Ian asks me about “real labor”: as they last, and how to breathe and push. I know that before the birth of her was another attempt, but it ended in miscarriage. She hurried back that barely sustained for six months. Exactly six months later and were again two strips of …

– If you will be even childbirth – you breathe in the heavy battles as the train, that’s so … – I demonstrate, but it rezanulo first word:

– What do you mean “if?” – Jan zyrkaet very angry at me. – Of course there are!


Duty on the table, he saw me, he puts me a double portion of meat, double and three cookie serving ladle squash caviar, “Eat, eat more!”.

We come back from dinner and Jana points:

– Do you see those chambers, on which is written “post-operative”? These rooms, with toilet and shower in the two boxes. Above the crib is still such a handle to be lifted, if painful. I recognize they are paid. Three thousand rubles a day.

– Ian, I was in the hospital three times in the fourth, gave birth twice and once in the pathology department. So, there are all chamber for free, – I say.

– We are all after the operation must be conducted in such chambers. We should not be here, – says Yana. – Well, we, but the girl who carries with him a bloody glove, just to be there.

– Ian, you should also be there. You should not have to give birth in the House for six people in the same bed in which you live.

I still would like to add that it should have the right to bury their child, and more – that it could come to a priest or a psychologist and talk alone, if there is “alone” in Russian hospitals, where everyone goes crying to the bathroom, and there lockers do not lock.


In place of the patient’s written out bring new girl – Uliana. Juliana is going through the same “hospital despair syndrome” that all of us at first: the first two hours spent on crying (or deterrence) and calls on the phone. When she moved away, we learn that she had 5 weeks of pregnancy, “went daub, and stomach ache.” Safely birth to begin to calm Ulyana, that things are not so terrible that they, too, so it was, and they knew it was nothing – denunciations, drank utrozhestanchik. We hope Ulyana appears. When the doctor arrives, it needs to know the results of analysis on the hCG – this analysis should show whether the pregnancy develops. He was taken to the emergency room.

Margarita is preparing for discharge. She collects things, calling to her brought clean clothes – the top in her blood. Orders by phone cake. We excitedly recommend her girlfriends, who are doing the best cake with mastic.

The Chamber goes resident. Margaret thinks intern brought extract.

But first to the residents flies Juliana:

– How’s my analysis on HCG?

– Your what?

– Analysis on the HCG?

Residents looking paper.

– And we have not assigned.

– It is not prescribed ?! After all, this is the most important analysis! How am I going to find out whether the pregnancy develops?

– Come on, we’ll do it tomorrow – promises resident, turns and calls the name Marguerite:

– So, who do we have K? In the US the remains of the ovum. We will do the re-curettage. Do not eat, drink.

– I … I ate the cake. Today is my birthday! – Margarita sits on the bed and starts to cry. Residents leaving.

Margarita runs out into the hallway with a mobile phone. She calls and cries, he’s not coming.

Girls sympathetically outraged:

– How did they nedochistili?

– It happens. They do it blindly, – says the well-read Ian. It has internet, she knows all about scraping and now all we have often advised, as a connoisseur. – Now I’ll tell you how it happens. Take … curette.


Ulyanina relatives raised kipezh and call to all authorities, demanding to take the test for hCG. We called even in the ministry. The department is not silent telephone, Ulyana comes to the doctor and requires reassure relatives or to get out to another hospital.

Juliana calls mom, crying and asks him to leave her alone, because in another hospital to go it does not have power. Although, according to my mother, she was already there, and found a place to “negotiate”.

– And I was again brought to the hospital, I do not know … – he whispers Juliana and tells his story. She has a son, whom she gave birth in the maternity ward at the hospital. Deliveries were heavy, the child was in intensive care, but it is “broken.” Midwife sews her and says: “In general, in any other hospital this charge.”

– How to charge? Sew up? – I resent.

– Well yes. I said, “Are you implying that I ever thank you? I repay! “. I sewed it disgusting me and says: “Well, the second will give birth – you pereshyut”.

– Then hear a lot – do not want to give birth, – concludes Ian.


After cleaning, bring Margarita. She smiles and murmurs through the slumber:

– I dreamed of a cat … a lot of cats … Maybe is bred again.

In the evening, celebrating her birthday.

The second marriage. 8 years of trying to get pregnant, several unsuccessful IVF. And suddenly it turns out the child itself, in 33 years.

Blonde girl 4 years, Polinochka, runs to her mother. She passes on all shots, not noticing that some of the women stick out of the tube, from which pours blood in the tied adhesive rubber glove. She rushes into the room and asks:

– Mom, this is your office?

– Why did you do it here dragged – I shake my head.

– At the bottom there was no guard. And leave it still do not have anyone, – says Margarita. For a girl enters grandmother.

– Honey, this is called the “house.” We’re sick.

– What hurts you?

– I have tummy aches.

– Mom, it’s me you drew! Happy Birthday!

Pauline presents mother figure, the grandmother takes to wash the bloody things, and they go home.

The second pregnancy Margarita also turned itself, without IVF. But here it ended in miscarriage.

– I do not know, girls, I would venture to try again …

I’m listening, through which passed the Margarita, and I understand that I have answered this question “no”. Bleeding, she came to the hospital with these fights – yes, at 13 weeks, it’s like childbirth. Its net “to live”, without anesthesia, holding the leg, so it does not hit doctors. Engaged in her doctor on duty, because it was Sunday, I cleaned somehow. And nedochistil. After she had a painful shock, and temperature. And she says:

– Up to forty years, I will try.


– Abortion, I somehow did, girl. Medical. And whether the Chinese tablets suck, or something else … Since then sick in the female part. That one hospital or the other …

Marv, a woman oriental appearance, held here the second day. In Marwa “something stabbed,” but on analyzes and ultrasound is now okay. She is keenly interested in our history and to the very nobody comes and she goes to the hospital in street shoes on bare feet and a government lab coat.

Marwah – a typical representative of gynecology patients, whose pains are, as they say, “out of my head.” I had seen quite a few. They call on the phone and swear or do not call at all, they are not happy in the marriage, they conflict with children and supervisors. And sooner or later the body signals that we can not live anymore. It was at this time “something pricks.” Lie down and get their share of shots, antispasmodics (not to easy life seemed), they come back home, to the unloved husband, children to adults, on the hated job. But back to the heap of gossip about hospital life. Engorged stranger grief, savoring it with my friends for tea, they are able to experience its easier.

– I am a girl, and I want more children. I am 39 years old – says Marwa. – I asked permission from the children. And they say, “Mom, in any case.” I have two: one 20, the other 11.

– And they somehow cares?

– How … how are afraid that the nurse will make.

Children in the hospital did not come to her mother.

In the evening, the ward nurse comes and tells us to hide valuables and do not leave the mobile on the bedside table. One of the nurses was robbed. We left a purse and 50 rubles.

– Well, we’re not extreme to ward corridor – sums up Jan. – I’ve heard in extreme steal regularly.


At five in the morning Juliana returned from the bathroom in tears. She was bent over, holding his stomach.

– What? – Margaret asked.

– All – marked Uliana. – Clots gone. This is the end.

She has a few hours lying on the bed, curled snail, because it is very sore stomach. She brings pain relievers candles. Comes doctor.

– Well how are you?

– I do not know – whispers Uliana.

– See that scary?

– Yes.

The doctor looks at the panties.

– The kids, then you have others?

Ulyana nods and sobs.

– Stomach cramping pain?

– Yes.

– Do not eat, drink.

Ulyana hiding under a blanket. She is so small and the bed is so big that it seems as if under a blanket curled puny teenager.

Soon it lead to the examination on a gynecological chair. Then she will tell you that Dr. Miriam saw the remains of the embryo already expander – a device that stretches the vagina for inspection. And makes Illyana: “This is the remains, look!”. – “I will not watch,” – whispered Uliana. – “No, you look!” – Mariam insisted.

– And what do you want, they’re cynical, it is their professional, – says Alain.

– Yes, they were killed in the morning and in the afternoon rescue.

Happy Ulyanina “cleansing” will all be put off: “Let’s wait for the result of the HCG.”

– They decided to make fun of me! – The girl was crying.

Came analysis. Even after the fact, he showed that pregnancy does not develop. Juliana could not worry about that sleepless night of hope, if she knew about this yesterday. Ulyana lead to “cleansing”.

My sheet with night slightly stained with blood, I ask to give me fresh linen.

– A little bit does not count – barks nurse. – We do not have a sheet.


Ian is eating all the time. She ate already loaf of sausage, a loaf of bread and a packet of sausages. Now I began for apples. Only the longer their salts, as before.

She needs to jaw all the time worked. In psychology, this is called “displacement activity”. It helps to experience uncontrollable stress.

Bring after brushing our grandmother, neighbor. She removed polyps. She recovered, but still rocking, and her hands, overwhelmed with rolling on the bed. Skid diaper thus falls to the floor. Nurse by all the laws of sterility must bring her fresh. But it raises from the floor and to spread the same grandmother.

Bring and Ulyana.

– Stuffy here with you, girl, – said the cleaning lady. – I’ll open the window.

– Hive you will not sell? Uljan! – Dozyvaetsya Jan.

Juliana does not hear her. She sits on the bed, huddled, and swinging back and forth.

– And what she is going through, – says Ian cold when we were alone. – Just think, in the fifth week! It is better in the fifth than like me!

It seems to me that her cynicism – psychological defense.


We bring the extract. Usually, all rejoice when they bring. But not in the gynecology department.

Ian read her statement aloud to the indifferent coldness:

“He was born a child weighing 500 gram female with severe developmental disabilities. The diameter of the head 6, see … “.

– It is necessary, with a look! – As if savoring Marwah.

– But with the weight saving is now – for some reason, Margarita says.

– He gasped, – coldly clarifies Jana. Her eyes were impenetrable.

Following his statement reads Margarita, and eyes begin to roll hail tears.

“Aborted fetuses weighing 30 grams, the male sex.”

– Boy, I had. – She pauses and repeats several times. – Boy.

A few minutes later, she was silent, then some almost hysterical cries a whisper:

– Why would they have written ?! I wish I did not know who he is.