Continue begun in previous articles talk about dancing. The author of “Matron” Daria Mendeleev spoke with the candidate of psychological sciences Olga Sinitsyna how social dances (and, in particular, salsa) can help improve the relationship with yourself and others.

ME YOU not fun: who is guilty?

A visit to the psychologist slowly become popular and even fashionable. But that’s what I sometimes watch bias in the stories her friends and acquaintances complaints psychologists. “Clean” all – childhood trauma, parenting mistakes, their own motivation. And it is necessary to deal with the ability to communicate with others.

The desire to understand why you uncomfortable that you do not like urgent situation – quite rightly. But there are details. A person who sees the cause of all ills exclusively in itself, wrong.

There is a concept of “locus of control”; it is external and internal. When an internal locus of control people the cause of all that was happening to him, sees in himself; with external – exactly the opposite. And it’s – two fundamentally different positions that divide humanity about half.

Since I am not only the psychologist but also a dancer, I was important in this is this: Dance – really one of the best therapies, at least, the interaction with other people, with the world in general and with a too . Because, in contrast to the complex mental constructs and philosophy, dance give a person the experience of direct interaction with the body, with a partner, the experience in the body of what and how you’re doing. And more valuable that this story is very difficult to block the frontal lobes ( laughs ).

If in our normal course of business that things go the way you want, you can always come up with an explanation or justification – some mental construct that does not conflict with your inner picture of the world. With bodily practices to do it harder. Because the feeling that you uncomfortable in the same place with different partners, with all turns, and you – no, very difficult to discard.

Well, simply: everything blame.

Certainly, but it works only to a certain point. And after some time all the same comes the understanding that there are other reasons. If I have exactly the same place with different people get the same nonsense, probably, all the same, I’m doing something wrong.

And yet, it happens quite often: “I have already made a heroic effort and went to the dance, but do not dance with me, I sadly, I do not entertain, and me uncomfortable.” How, then, will things develop?

Well, I must say that the person asking, “I do not owe” malouspeshen not only in dancing. In all other areas of life such a request would hardly justified.

In dances such a request corrected quickly enough – or you stand against the wall for life. Either it is not getting better – and then throwing people dancing, but just as he throws, and any other area where waits for the bustle around him.

But exactly the opposite happens and a clinical case: “I’m doing wrong!”

Yes, it’s a different gradation of the same scale. And here really helps normal development of skills of reflection. That is to say, “if I feel uncomfortable, and advance sure that all the problems in me where it leads me?” Yes, in general, to anything.

With a good scenario, then begins honing his skills. But the position of “I’m to blame for everything in advance” to hone skills is not that much. Because demand in the world is so different and contradictory that it is impossible to redraw themselves completely at all. And at some point comes the understanding: it is necessary to increase the skills, but would have been nice to stay a while.

Healthy position – is to understand that you are in your life are responsible for a great deal. Including for being able to communicate, to be interesting and enjoyable partner, but (substantial amendment!) Not all around, and for those who are interested in you and enjoyable. For something to grow their skills. But at the same time realize that others may be a bit wrong – or badly wrong. Or claim that what they do not understand much.

This, for example, the situation with beginning partners. Sometimes, they even not really learned how to interact, but it is already lecturing partners: “Your hands are not so shoulders are not so, and in general – how do you go?” Position unproductive entirely, because – as you yourself something you know how it is right thing to do? And, if you know how – if you can show? Otherwise, this is the position: “I am all in white and now I will teach you all live, without being an expert.”

Pass it quickly in the initial group of Ethics in general is moving by leaps and bounds. But it comes not to all. However, characters that do not change, fortunately, a little; tantsorskaya party in this respect is much more healthy than “average in the hospital.” Perhaps it is because all understand that we came here to dance, povzaimodeystvovat with other people. For this purpose it is necessary to be interested in others and especially not outweigh other people of their demands, expectations and disappointments.

It is clear that no one is perfect, all learn together. If you learn together and at the same time pleasing each other – you will succeed. If everything is reduced to the mutual claims – do not get anything, and yet no one learns.

Whether spontaneous dance as therapy possible? Usually, our citizens are difficult to perceive psychologists. Firstly, it is not clear who he is, and secondly, it has to have to walk, and, thirdly, in the process it creates quite a great deal of discomfort. And then – you just dance and psychological work is …

Dance as a spontaneous therapy – a wonderful thing that is shown to all. Because, of course, life will become better and more fun. At the same time, not all problems are solved dance. There are still a part of the challenges that need to go to a specialized physician and decide with him.

But as a man starts dancing otherwise interact with society – becomes more socially daring, socially relaxed, more aware and curious myself to myself – a desire to allow that still hurt to live, it comes to him much easier. And all these difficulties with professional perception is significantly mitigated.

More dancing leads to the fact that a person becomes more inquisitive, willing to apply yourself in those areas where he had previously not applied themselves. He begins to want a lot of different.

Because one of the signs of a healthy person – curiosity. Unfortunately, in adults, it is generally strongly reduced. That is, “do not go”, “be quiet”, “live quietly” – all the repressed impulses of curiosity. And when the man returns to its natural state, curiosity level rises.


And if we have developed a couple who have found who can not cook, and where the toothbrush is? And here they come to dance …

It is a question of agreements. For example, in life, in word or in deed, they have agreed to do in a given situation, who is responsible for what. For some items may not agree, but that does not prevent them greatly. And dancing here may be different. Because, apart from the fact that dancing – a great therapist, they are also stunning diagnostician.

When a couple gets established in a couple of dance, it can suddenly find that remained neprogovorennymi very important things. For example, about mutual trust, about mutual responsibility. About the preferred roles – who is, and who being. Who trusts who do not trust. To what degree of contact is necessary – for example, one needs it tight, and another fairly easy.

The current couple, who lived for many years, can not say such things?

Easily. They agreed, who mainly makes money, pays the bills, is engaged in farming and children. The rest somehow occasionally slips and proskripyvaet, and to agree on the words that are not always possible. Even when they try to reach the physician, for a discussion usually turns into a showdown, “and you said to me once.”

And in a couple, when you stand on its balance sheet, constantly to build contact, all becomes clear at the body level. How do you feel the partner, ready to pin how tight contact you comfortable. And then – if you are able to stay on his feet himself, or you need a permanent partner as a backup.

This position may be different from the one before the pair declared in words?

Of course! If all the people in the first place, had developed the skills of reflection, and, secondly, a good and honest (which is important) communicate with each other, we would not have been a divorce or the rubble of families with 20-30 years experience .

It would seem that people have lived for many years, give birth to children, and then the family – PPase! – And falling apart. Why? It turns out that for some basic things they did not agree. While it is eclipsed by some urgent cases, it could be long enough to ignore. And then you realize: and confidence is somehow less than we would like, and mutual control is much less …

That is, until I had to pay off the loan for an apartment, to raise a child and watch her grandmother, a pair of once held? And then they have some free time – and found that they did not agree on basic things?

Yes, and for this, by the way, it is not necessary to come to the dance. As you know, we have breaks every second or third marriage. Just suddenly it turns out that in the daily chores did not happen that confidential contact, which is necessary to pair became a couple, and not with living human beings.

A pair – it’s still the level of contact and interaction that is necessary to live together. Many couples do not live it.

And what you need to live it? In Antarctica in the near future all over the world, natural disasters, too, not all will lay. Dancing can be such an experience?

Of course, it is social dancing most successfully cope with this function. They can interact differently than in everyday household life, and communicate on a different level. And you learn it is easier than reading a huge amount of books – simply because the body is to experience faster and easier.

And then a very well-developed skill helps reflection. Standard situation: you get up in a couple – and you uncomfortable. It is important not to be able to slide into self-blame and blame the partner, but just to understand what is wrong. That is, that uncomfortable, no one’s fault, this situation does not imply a notorious accusations himself or another. It must be easy to understand and fix. And if a man understands himself, and he does not panic not meet too high expectations or his partner, he calmly says, “You know, I’m uncomfortable here.”

For example, I have now returned to the tango. And there are partners who need to feeling completely weightless, and those who on the contrary, should be given more weight. And you have a few minutes to regroup, but you are guided safely, that a person needs, and you can add or subtract.


Now I thought in my life, even when one partner and the couple’s constant, there are situations when well, not mine you now with their problems and with his view. Comes in handy if dancing experience to feel the changing of circumstances and of human feelings?

Of course. Why do I say that dancing – very thing is therapeutic. When you body feel that people are all different.

In dance there is no right or wrong, but simply someone higher up, someone less, someone is in the same way, someone – in the other, and that’s fine. Then you realize that all of these people you vzaimodeystvuesh, and you enjoy it. And, of course, it affects the way you vzaimodeystvuesh with people in the rest of life.

Dancing – it’s all perfect metaphor for life itself: what you have learned in life – is used in the dances, learned to dance – is applied in life.

A typical situation: the wife led the dance better half, who came into the room with the person, “What will that slavery – all the same.” And then they dance only together. Than it is fraught?

First, a couple of coaches trying to gently dissolve to give them the experience of dance and with other partners. Because dancing only with each other, people impoverish themselves.

There is nothing complicated to learn to interact with one person and more to anticipate its movements – in this there is no real contact. Social dances are good by the fact that they improvised – here it is impossible to memorize a bunch of finished and then apply it. You constantly have to feel, to understand what is going on, react to it and give feedback to the partner. This is generally a very useful skill in life.

If the pair is constantly dancing only with each other, they learn a single interaction model, and it is – not very strong model. They move in a rut, in a stereotyped movement – especially the dance there will not be.

Well, a couple of permanent pilfered. The couple begin to look like their halves – oh, horror! – Dancing with someone else …

What’s the horror? In the life of each of us on a daily basis communicates a lot of people – at work, in transport, in the street, men, women, children … Is this test?

Perhaps because the dances we perceived as something extraordinary and somewhat intimate.

And much pity that they are perceived. Because, if we had the majority of the people dancing, live it would be somehow more joyful, kind and cheerful.

To some extent the dance – it’s really more intimate interaction (if we compare it with business negotiations, for example). And there is a sense of intimacy, precisely because it is – physical interaction.

For example, if in your body during the examination the doctor touches it – more intimate contact than the conversation with the conductor in the bus. Therefore, by the way, and there is an effect of love on doctors when there is some indication of allowable contacts, and then to you someone touches, once there is an interest in this man. That is, the touch – is the transition to a new level of intimacy.

But 96% of our population exhausted by notions of dance phrase Bernard Shaw about the “vertical expression of horizontal desire” … Why so?

This is, of course, there is a grain of truth, because the dance – it is a legitimate way to get closer to the man than in the usual formal communication. In addition, if a little step aside, for many centuries, dance has been a significant part of the culture of courtship. Up to the fact that in certain epochs it was the only way to touch the chosen one wedding at least for the elbow.

And that is the fact that it gives the experience of such cooperation, the dance is beautiful. Because before you choose a permanent partner (or even after), you have the possibility something else to learn in interaction and contact.

If we are talking exclusively about the dance and familiarity with your body and look at the above average disco, we did a little something interesting and see. It will be simple and the same type of motion, usually alone. Either the “ballad”, which also does not involve much contact, except for the possibility of “stand up in his arms.” This is very little to offer in terms of knowing the other. It teaches nothing and does not help. Because there is no contact.

That is, the contact occurs where there is maintenance. And along with it there are balance problems, the ability to stand on their feet, trust …

And just dance skill, feeling and understanding of the body, even the ability to move. Which is characteristic, inherent in all children in general, but with age, the accumulation of problems and clamps, unfortunately, lost.

That is, dance – it is also a way to get back to the natural body, which by default have children – when there is no physical fears, no clips, no exaggerated expectations and requirements.

Children do much better than adults are learning to ski, scooters and bicycles … They just take and learn. In adults, this process is slow and sometimes dramatic – there are several reasons.

They have the experience of teenage BDD – when the body grows uncontrollably upwards and outwards, and the teenager does not know what to do with it. If a person goes out of this state with certain injuries, then they are stored. Sometimes an unsuccessful experience of interaction with their parents when they are vaccinated child all sorts of limitations: “You’re a long” or “You need to lose weight …”. It may be the lack of experience of sports in general and the different problems of adolescence and childhood, which are reflected in the body of muscle shells …

Dancing helps remove it, though, and the effect is not guaranteed. Because if we look at the different groups of dancers – beginning, continuing, – then the situation may be different, too. Someone successfully keeps the clips simply learns not to move in three ways, and ten. Someone comes with little clips and has successfully promoted in training. All differently.

All depends strongly on the human ability to listen to themselves and ready to move along this path, which, in particular, can be very uncomfortable. A person can crack and fracture view of themselves, and may not coincide with reality. For example, you have a whole life itself thought-shirt guy, and suddenly – oh, horror! – You do not take your partner!

That is, it is a different experience yourself?

Other itself. The experience of reconstruction and development in itself that has been lost or just never realized. Replenishment itself to its resource state.

We can lie in many things fantastic, a lot of people that a just do not know. It can be revealed in a variety of situations, especially in dance. Because dancing – it’s an experience of interaction, which can not be fooled.