The classic situation is faced, probably every parent: the child two or three years screams with all his might, stomping feet, beats his head against the wall, lying on the floor in hysterics, fights, Bites. Yelling at him and do not want to spank, and persuasion do not work. For information on how parents behave in a similar situation, we talked with Galiya Nigmetzhanovoy , children, psychology, leading psychologist Psychological family support center “Contact”.

Children hysteria: how to respond to parentsGalia, that is behind the children’s tantrums, what is their reason?

Firstly, it is worth noting that hysteria – is a phenomenon characteristic of the child in the age of 2-3 years. I would say that this age and tantrums go hand in hand. Why? Because the child after two years already independent and autonomous. It is easy and fast moves, he is very active in cognitive terms, it appears their interests. But while he is still not very well developed it, he can not express himself quite well. Although, of course, compared with what it was before, the parents think that between them and the child has a real, wonderful dialogue.

Another objective factor is the extension of the child’s waking time: just some kids in 2 years have two daytime sleep. The child may spend a lot of time in various activities, but it is still not mature nervous system: agitation always goes ahead braking capabilities.

In other words, the child at this age excitable, it has no mechanisms in the nervous system, in time to slow down. Excitation at it very quickly becomes as physiologists say, generalized, that is, captures the whole child. And when all the excitement seizes the child, it is almost impossible to talk, it is impossible to persuade him to something, distract him with something, take away from somewhere, etc.

How, then, do the parents?

First and foremost, I would like to say to all parents: prevention is much better already happened fact tantrums. The urgent recommendation: watch your child . Watch, knowing that his nervous system is unable to cope with the load, and it can very quickly come to the excitement.

Take for example, the most common situation. Mom and baby walked, played, walked around the street, like all was well. At the end of the walk mother wants to go with your child to the store for a carton of milk and bread. A child at this time is already showing some signs of fatigue: at the end of your stay in the sandbox or on the playground, he with someone fell out, broke a spatula cakes that have enthusiastically built. That is, some signs of hyperarousal already visible. My mother does not notice them and takes the baby from the site just because there is a child, according to her ideas, behave badly.

And he behaves badly just from fatigue?

Exactly. Mom takes the child simply because he thinks that he was tired of sandbox. They go to the store, and the store begins: “I want it, want it, give it to me right now, immediately.” And then it happens hysterical.

Prevention also needs to be carried out at the precise moment when the child already was not very comfortable on the playground when he was shown in all the ways that he was tired or hungry, or thirsty, or rubbed his neck, or sweaty feet. With him something going on, and he shows his behavior. While he made mud pies with enthusiasm and joy, everything was ok. Once it is in response to the mother’s sentence: “But let’s do one more thing this Kulichik” distracted, running or robs someone machine or something else, he already shows his trouble.

Rob someone typewriter – it can also be a sign of fatigue?

Including. Especially if this is usually not … Parents often say: “Usually it does not, and suddenly did.” Then it is a signal, and we must act as follows: it is not necessary to offer the child a new activity, it is not necessary to offer him have to go with their feet. It should rather go home and there to understand what was going on. Maybe offer him some water home can be, offer to go to the toilet, maybe change pants – mother knows best.

That is, any mother, in principle, be able to recognize these signals, which are sent to the child?

Of course. And it’s not in the sensitivity, and not to think that it’s all – just like that. I would say that there are very important, not sensitive, and confidence in the child. In addition, everything that makes a child, he actually makes sincere. If he has started some kind of aggression, some excitement, trust it. Trust what you see, without any of their own ideas and hypotheses. And take action based on the needs of the child rather than their own needs, if you need a better second time to go out for a carton of milk. After all, a carton of milk – a mother’s need.

Sometimes we meet in books and magazines this advice to parents: if your child hysteria, need to embrace it and say the words his feelings: “I know that you are bad now, you’re tired (you’re angry, you’re hurt), I know what you mean …”. What do you think about it?

Indeed, today is given a lot of advice on how to mirror the child’s feelings, to talk to him about what he’s going through. But to talk about their feelings, or the child is not always appropriate. In acute situations, explanations-explanations in general are not a child heard.

I repeat once again. What happens to the baby? He has something to overload (information, emotions, impressions), it already with something not cope. And in that moment my mother begins to give him – let’s call a spade a spade – a lot of incomprehensible words. And mom says about his feelings: “I was offended”, “I see you …”, and so on. I believe that to talk to him at this moment such words – a kind of child abuse.

This situation is reminiscent of the cartoon about Cheburashka “I see Gene, you’re tired. Let me take your bags, and you take me. ” About how it looks for the child. Mom says, “I see that you are hurt and upset,” and all this on you own ponesesh.

How can there be an alternative to the behavior of mothers?

The child can be in different states. There is an absolute well-being area: you are out for a walk, came to the site, I saw a child sandbox, other children have experienced joy. Here in this moment, you can designate the child’s senses. For example, if he did not get some Kulichik, tell him: “Baby, I see you it’s frustrating.” Talk about what you want at this point.

Further may appear the first symptoms of the approaching alarm. And at this moment already it is necessary to offer the child some measures to withdraw it from the situation. “You know, baby, come to me to handle, we’re a lot of things done, let us go around, look at all, but in my hands”. And during that time to collect all sovochki and molds.

But where there is already in full flashing alarm lamp, you need to forget about the pronunciation of the senses and collect tins three times faster. And the home run, if we do not want to open a tantrum.

There you have tantrums of children for the purpose of manipulation by adults?

There are, but in a different age. Manipulation as the desire to put pressure on the other, to execute something really fixed for me in the behavioral repertoire of the child since about 3 years later. The three-year child is definitely capable of those manipulative actions, if repeated all the time the same situation. The child begins hysterical mother in confusion, and it is ready to absolutely everything, if only it stopped. And this pattern of behavior is fixed in such a way that when I just ask my mother about it, it does not work. If I begin to stamp their feet, screaming and sobbing, it works.

That is, the problem again is that parents do not see the time that the child about something signals?

Yes. In principle, the sources tantrums same. No hysteria does not occur for no reason, no reason at all. We missed something.

Parents can really missing something, and it does not matter. Even when you have calmed down a little, the child has calmed down, scroll in mind the situation: what was for 7-10 minutes before? Not earlier. Moms often tend to explain hysteria by some factors that have been long before her: the child woke up this morning not in the mood, bad went to the bathroom, etc. Maybe, and this is also important, but it’s really important that was to him a few minutes before a tantrum. You can restore these early warning signals.

And if the mother even retroactively accustom themselves to see that it was for 7-10 minutes before, she begins to understand exactly which signals gives her child. Not all children begin to tear down kulichiki – there are children who, on the contrary, begin to what is called a “hover”: sitting child with sovochkom in hand, gaze, adults can not hear. It depends on the temperament. But this is also a signal. For different signals of different children.
And if the tantrum has begun?

This is a different situation. If the tantrum still started, there are a few simple rules that can help.

Rule number one – is to get out of the place where the situation is tense. It works well. Look at what is usually intuitively makes the man, if he had a fight with someone at work, or yell at him? It is as fast as possible out of this place, and he did not want to go back there. That is, it is not necessary to deal with the child in a place where there was a hysterical, it is better to make at least five to ten steps to the side.

Rule number two is also quite simple: you have to remove all possible viewers. And here is not so much the child “works on the audience” as my mother. Mom uncomfortable, inconvenient, annoying, it begins to take some action and make it as it is not peculiar. When the audience she seemed to lose itself. And it is very important for the child at this time based on his real mother. And that’s what a child reads instantly: the voice volume, intonation, phrases, hands and so on. Remove the audience! When my mother is herself, she will focus on yourself and the baby, feeling his back and head, that someone was looking at her judgmental eyes and wags her finger accusingly. It is very important.

Finally, rule number three : if possible no words for clarification and explanation. When a child is entered in the “red zone”, not to the words. Provide tactile contact.

Just a hug?

Well, that’s how it goes – a child after all and can be pulled out. But, at least, to hold the arm. The child should physically feel the presence of close adult. Physically, not words. The child is already very excited. When a person is very excited, he needs live physical boundaries, which do not give it more sway. And it’s not exactly the word. Therefore, as far as possible to embrace, to take over the shoulders, the handles, down one level, just look him in the eyes. It is not to explain anything, anything not persuaded by any means to get as close as possible a solid, tactile contact – and all leave the conflict zone.

And only then, when we put out a tantrum and the child has calmed down, to understand what happened. It is not necessary at the peak of excitement child to arrange his disciplinary showdowns, tell him what he is bad and how badly behaved. In this case it will behave even worse. Please extinguish the tantrum, and then we understand. But before still unrolling 7 minutes ago, to understand what is really necessary to tell the child. For example, if it turns out that the child something took away from another child or bashed him about it and we’ll talk. Do not say: “How do you behaved! What do you afford! “. Better to say, “You know, you did hurt Pete. And if it happens again, you know I’m going to protect Petya, though you are my child. I will stand on the side of the one who hurt, and you will condemn. ”

Can we say that child hysteria does not momentary, but a global cause, for example, the older child is jealous of the just born baby?

The peculiarity of a young child that if something gets into his field of vision, and it is attractive to him, everything else at this moment becomes the background, goes by the wayside. Inability to cope with this desire, if it is not realized – that is the real reason for hysteria.

If we talk about jealousy, it is evident not only in hysterics. Jealousy manifests itself in a variety of reactions, including: some regression of behavior; clinging behavior when a child begins to demand to him all the time someone was there, that is, does not stand alone; aggression; sleep disturbance and appetite. Hysteria, as such, is not a specific sign of jealousy.

If the child had not been hysteria, and now they have appeared, or more of them, then go back to step number 1: the child of something we asked, for example, the attention to him, expressed some request. We missed these moments once, twice, three times. On the fourth child has already entered the “turbulence” zone. That is, the effect is the same mechanism that we are missing something in his behavior.

Maybe he brought to show his picture, but this time it was necessary to feed or wash the youngest child, and my mother did not appreciate the creativity of the senior. The next time the child, seeing his picture did not pay attention, can do something else, for example, require immediate feed him. If mom says this: “Do not you see what I’m doing? Wait a minute, “then the third time a child missing, for example, soiled diaper and smears on the floor of its contents. It begins the scandal. But even when the child is the first time brought the drawing, you could just avoid it.

If parents carefully monitor such moments, it turns out that the child is no tantrums?

It is unlikely that there are ideal parents. Parents, too, enough sleep, they can also be a bad mood, they can get up on the wrong foot. Tantrums in children occur. There is no family, where they would not know what a hysterical child. The question is, how we act in a situation of hysteria that we are taking, so it does not become a stable pattern of behavior.

What if there are no forces do not yell at the child when he tantrum?

Same. Before my mother shouted at the child, she told herself already knows exactly what her life is running out. It is important to sensitively treat his condition. Even if the mother seems that right now it is imperative to show the child’s doctor before vaccination, right now disassemble the cabinet and pat underwear from two sides. We must ask ourselves a simple question: what would happen if I do not? What happens if I instead go to bed? Tired Mom really quickly stops a control.

Another point. Very often mothers, to look good in the eyes of their environment, to show their best side, do not dare to delegate part of its parent task to someone else. And we ought to … You know, the child will grow up and will not remember ironed on both sides of clothes, he will not have to remember the order in the closet, and a screaming mother, he will be remembered.

And my mom she will remember crying myself …

Exactly! Tired mother, who every day yelling at the child begins to engage in self-flagellation. It is eating away inside, and begins a vicious circle: mom mood worsens, the child is capricious and feels even more strongly. As a result, my mother even more it cries.

The way out of this vicious circle can be a part of the delegation of their parent Affairs husband, grandmother or nanny. Or the rejection of those things that are not a priority at present. Thus, while my mother is released, and there is a feeling of satisfaction – and a guarantee of an attentive and careful attitude to the child, building a relationship with him of love and trust. And then the problem of children’s tantrums will not be so acute.

Interviewed by Anastasia Hramuticheva