The work of parents is not a magic wand or universal formulas. Most often we use the password “right”, the formula “follow your instincts” in conjunction with a feverish reading about parenting texts. And this approach actually best. However, there are certain problems associated with the society in which we live, and these problems one way or another faced by all parents. Serbian psychologist and children’s author Nevena Lovrinchevich gathered the most common ones and offered tips that can help you recognize them and decide whether the result was her book “The Parent Trap.”
But one of the traps, which can get into today’s parents, and recommendation, how to avoid it.
“Okay, I’ll … I is not difficult.”
Options for how we use this phrase:
I’m not hard to six times a day to wash the dishes, while the children are watching TV.
I’m not hard to cook donuts at 11 pm, because the family wanted something sweet.
I was three years it is easy to walk in the same shoes to buy a child a second pair of (expensive) shoes for this autumn.
I’m not hard to always have wings and neck when the chicken for lunch. Donate for children is always difficult.
What is our goal? We want the child was well, we want to protect him from trouble. We want the child to live better than we were.
Example of life. Sister Liliana and Dragan (15 and 16) look like the image of a fashion magazine. Their expensive clothes places a heavy burden on the family budget (father – a modest clerk, and his mother – a housewife, seamstress earns at home). The modest appearance and lifestyle of parents is very different from the lives of their children.
As things stand in reality
The desire to make the lives of our children are better than our own, and the pleasure that we feel, giving the child something that will make him happy, understood and characterized almost all parents. Shining faces, hugs and kisses, which we are showered with children when we give them heartily touted cell phone or sneakers, which they dreamed, sometimes delight us more than our child. And certainly we rejoice far more than doing something for yourself. How can happiness feel we and the baby turn into some kind of trap?
Very simple. If you are given a mobile phone for your child half, a third or a quarter of your salary, the fact remains – such a purchase, you can not (or rather, should not have to) afford. Buying too expensive gifts, to some extent, and buys baby sympathy: as if we get the ransom for what supposedly should be (more attention, better quality of life, etc.). We feel that by purchasing expensive gifts baby will feel good to be confident. Whether we achieve this goal? Hardly. If this were so, self-confidence and happiness of any person would be in direct proportion to the number of expensive goods, which the person can afford. But often we see that a person who has much in material terms, is not happy and confident, and those who can not afford the latest model of sneakers or a mobile phone gives the impression of a confident and happy with my human life.
However, any family in which there are teenagers, we know how hard it is to resist their entreaties to buy very expensive things. In addition, hard for us to admit to ourselves that there is something (especially if it is so important for our children), which is too expensive for us, because we are thus positioning ourselves as not sufficiently effective or successful person. Purchases contribute significantly to the following thoughts: “Since I was worn out, even though my children will,” or “there is no sacrifice too great for the baby.”
In addition to concrete efforts, such as payment of credit or limit yourself to something that you really need, you still stuck in the promotion of false values, and this one (not) day very adversely can affect your child. Self-confidence, self-confidence, inner satisfaction with their lives – the quality that your child or teen will learn only if you will receive from your attention, love and intimacy. It is very important to show your child the real family and social values – that is, to live and behave in accordance with these values. All this, of course, does not mean that the child should be left without a mobile phone or sneakers. But buy the model you can afford!
Sometimes, besides the fact that we buy very expensive things, we try to please the children, taking care of all the household chores. Returning to work after lunch and dinner (which we also prepare and) we vacuum cleaner, wash the dishes and iron, and our offspring lying in front of the TV or playing with toys.
What does this mean? So we are giving to understand that parents do not have their own needs, they do not need to rest – with a book, a walk or watch a good movie … and in general to do whatever it was for himself. It turns out that the priority number one, two and ten – to please the children. If we are to treat yourself as a doormat, it is not surprising that we are about to wipe their feet and others, including adult family members.
Another area is too active inclusion of parents – school obligations. According to the stories of parents of schoolchildren often can understand that they go back to school. How many times? And it depends on how many children they have! They sit for hours with their children, even those who have not in primary school, and even students. Engaged, check homework, evaluate the wall newspaper, paint a work for drawing lessons. If the material is complicated, without hesitation offer (and pay for) a child private lessons. In addition to all the responsibilities that parents and so carry on the family (containing, feed, dress), they have assumed more and more (and rather big!) The obligation that to them has nothing to do – go to school again!
Of course, you do not throw a first-grader to fend for themselves, leaving him alone to deal with school matters – how it is and how it can. He and you can help. But we must make efforts to ensure that the child has learned to learn, point it at the effective work and getting good skills of independent work.
It is a gradual process that requires time, but you should always remember the goal – the child has learned the most effective and independently carry out their duties. If your help is that you pull it through the school years and more to delve into his duties, then the child will be passive and will strongly depend on you.
If you buy your child expensive things, and imagine a few months (or years) and can not buy what you need, if there are no children of their responsibilities in the home if the home is rarely try to do something nice for you (and you it do regularly), if your child’s school responsibilities in the same or even more your responsibilities – so you are trapped.
The child becomes a spoiled, lazy, complacent, self-centered, he’s not happy, if he is deprived of something fun or postponed, he bad skills, he is a dependent, passive and irresponsible.
The child may appear such problems: poor performance in school, lack of healthy ambition, emotional and social immaturity, later – the difficulty in creating a stable emotional connections, unsatisfactory, inadequate, immature relationships in marriage or relationships, self-centeredness, the difficulty, if necessary, to take responsibility (in case of failure is always to blame and should be responsible for it by someone else: a teacher, you, partner, boss, child, colleague).
Out of the trap
Do not take the school duties of your school-age child. His homework – it, not yours. Let the child to take care of the control and verification of knowledge. Do not offer to help him Tutoring – Private Lessons may be the solution only if the child can identify it and say that it was not clear to him. Private lessons should not become a tool that you encourage your child to learn.
You need to know how things were going in the child at school, but remember that it is a child goes to school, and not you. It is not necessary all the time to offer help or to do homework instead. Praise all independent steps. Better to let the child will get four or three for what he did than five for the fact that what he helped you too actively (or even made of it).
Do not buy too expensive gifts. Remember that the most important thing is not for sale. Expensive things do not guarantee your child a sense of confidence, joy and security. Teach your child a real human and life values, in the first place – by example.
Assign chores to all family members. Since childhood, gradually more and more involved in the child’s household duties. If you do everything yourself, in addition to being overtired, and give you more to understand what your needs and desires, you can not ignore. And it is not helpful to you or your child. Forget all the talk about the victims. Most often, they are both sad results.
Recall our example. There is not need complex philosophical constructs to understand the problem. Parents would have to spend money in accordance with their capabilities, and from time to time to buy something to himself. It is necessary to focus on the development of labor skills Ljiljana and Dragan. They will better understand the value of money, if they perform any work on weekends or on vacation, but also, do earn pocket money. Of course, this bad habit had deep roots in the past years, and the resistance will have a significant, much more than it would be when the girls were four or five years, but it’s worth it.
Remember the proverb: “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish – he will eat for a lifetime. “