The most difficult thing in a relationship – to maintain goodwill with respect to your spouse when you are upset by some of his words or actions. But it is in these moments it is important to show kindness. The research of Dr. Gottman, a renowned expert on Family Relations shows that couples who behave gently, better able to cope with them in times of conflict, and conflict does not harm their relationship. In fact, these are the moments when you can predict the pair will break or not, with more than 90 percent accuracy.
In one of his interview, Dr. Julie Gottman says that “if we are friendly, it does not mean that we do not express your anger – it means that we choose a way to express it. You can shoot lightning at his partner. Or you can explain why you are in pain or what you are offended. ” This is the path of benevolence.
Give yourself a vow goodwill
Keep kindness is important not only in the heat of the dispute – in a relationship you should always be careful and considerate.
When we enter into a serious relationship, most of us are doing some kind of statement – let’s call it a promise or vow – that will support a loved one and take care of it. We also make a promise that we will try to show their best side in the hope of a happy future.
Thus, if we refuse to be good, and it is detrimental to our spouses, and for us, because we thus negates all our desire for mutual growth and greater proximity.
Relationship – a joint effort of two people who work consciously and with enthusiasm for a common goal. Despite the difficulties of everyday life, each spouse is responsible for his actions. So far the pair have shared growth, nothing prevents the partners also developed and individually – as it should be, in order for everyone to be “the best version of himself” for her husband.
Kindness begets kindness
How can we cultivate the habit of goodwill in the relationship? Here are 3 excellent tips that you can follow right now, regardless of when they will begin to follow your spouse.
Think about the good
Our sense of self is inextricably linked with the ideas that prevail in our minds. If you remember well, thinking of his wife, it will be easier to talk kindly with them and do things, full of love. To goodwill become a habit, you need to monitor not only the actions but also thoughts.
Remind yourself of all those nice things that your spouse is doing every day. For example, he brought the garbage to help you, or come early from work to have dinner with you. Even if it is a trifle, let you make a habit of good to notice and remember how good you were at that time. Tell that to your wife. Noticing it, you save as described Dr. Gottman, a positive attitude in your relationships. This sense of well-being in the family, which stems from the good thoughts and good deeds.
Take responsibility for your feelings before you throw them at her husband. While anger and frustration – legitimate emotions, do not rush to share them. A closer look at these feelings, you may find that you actually experienced disappointment or sadness about the situation. Perhaps, on reflection, you will find that in fact feel abandoned or that some issues were not taken into account your wishes. If you can more accurately determine your feelings, it will help you bring them to your spouse favorably and softer.
You may think that it would be more correct to express their thoughts spouse directly, without softening anything, but keep in mind that after you have once hurt him, it will be more difficult to show you compassion and understanding. Try to understand their feelings with a therapist or on your own. Try to keep a diary or journal, describing their day and their feelings. Pronunciation of his feelings on paper can often help sort and organize thoughts.
Let hope to win
Believe in your relationship. Even if you will have constant arguments with spouse, focus on your friendship. I often see couples who want to first “solve the problem”, and then to organize joint dinners, walks and interesting to spend time together. But it is impossible to solve the problems with those with whom you do not want to cooperate.
I often advise couples to do together some activities to enjoy with your love – despite their complaints! It is much easier to discuss the problem with his best friend than an enemy. You may have to make some efforts, for example, highlight the week a special day for the meeting, but the proximity and close relationship with each other – a habit, and habits should be practiced regularly and consciously. Try to turn off the usual track of life “home-work” and become a friend of your husband.
For example, in the morning Pour the milk into his oatmeal, or offer to walk the dog. Look along the film, which he had long wanted to see, or just send a message (no order or list) about your joint plans for the evening.
Compassion helps to be heard
In the end, good will help you to express your feelings so hard that your spouse has been able to hear them. Even if you are angry, but you want to be heard, you still have to be friendly. If you have already prepared the ground for your spouse opened to you, it probably will understand your feelings of confusion and respond with compassion. Through the kindness of your needs will be taken into account.
Be kind and gentle – it’s a conscious choice. We smile and stick to the door to strangers – just friendly, we can behave towards their favorite, regardless of how many months or years we have been together.
The more we try, the easier it will be to see your loved one through the eyes of love. The more we practice kindness, the easier it is to remember every time that her husband – a man who lives his unique and inimitable life with us. We will be easier to smile and stretch out an olive branch to the world a man who fights with us and not against us.