“My mother – best friends”. “We have always been very close and friendly relationship with their parents.” “Perhaps the only mom understands me.” Is this not happiness? But that’s why people who pronounce these words in my office, as a rule, are in a deep depression, they are completely de-energized, they do not have the strength to live? And they are concerned about the relationship with the children – their own. They think that they are wrong.
“The world is like on the color ING IF YOU CLOSE TO A FRIEND!”
When I was 12, my mother often cried, complained to me of his father. I was very sympathetic to her, sorry, tried a little more help around the house. I began to be rude to his father – because he makes my mother is sick. And then she has a lover. I’m such a word did not know, my mother explained that it was her boyfriend, but the pope does not like male friends, so we need to keep a secret, do not tell the Pope about the calls. But I had to pass my mother “secret messages” from each other. That was flattering, I am proud of my mother’s trust anyone, never told anyone. This was something special intimacy: here we are, two friends, whispering about boys. Mom began to take me with him for a walk – and never before.
Then my mother decided to get away from her father. It was very hard and difficult, and Dad was just on the verge of suicide. And I was rushing between them covered the mother tried to comfort the father.
This adult woman for many years, is being treated for depression. She had an awkward relationship with men, she does not trust anyone. And it is not able to defend themselves, to express anger, to defend their interests. Overall, the picture looks like a unprocessed trauma. But who hurt this girl? After all, my mother with her well-drawn, love, do not hurt, was friends with her.
Well, when a child says mom is my best friend, she can tell you everything, everything, she always listens, prompts comfort. Smart Mom also explain what was happening to him, call vague and incomprehensible storm in my heart what some clever words, of hormonal swings tell. Destructive, when my mother makes the child a container for itself: it will ship (often – in her) their secrets, sorrows and ailments. Divide the problems, including sexual.
The past many years ago in another family’s father talks to her teenage daughter: she tells about their difficulties with his new wife, committed in a secret relationship with his mistress, weeping and complaining. What feels the girl? With its nearly raped. She does not want to know about the amorous adventures of her father, she did not need such frankness. This violates its internal borders. She says that she would have wanted to tell his father about yourself, it would be desirable that he listened to her, gave advice, support. Instead, she had to comfort him, sympathize with adult periodically to forgive his “shoals” and enter the position. That is for him to do the work that normally make good parents for their children.
Devastating is a violation of the hierarchy. In fact, devoting daughter into the details of their relationships with other women, a parent makes their child accomplice. Including – sex partner. That is, we see the most natural incest. Let psychological.
In my head there is a confusion of roles in a child: he is a child who will grow up and will lead your family, partner or their parents?
“A HUSBAND WHO ARE WE?”
Family – is a system design. She has a border, laws and regulations, known role. The task of parents – to feed, protect, educate, set the notorious rule. Problem children – listen to, to grow, to continue to race, butting with their ancestors and move on. What happens if the system is turned on its head?
If a parent opens up the soul of the child, he thereby pulls the child out of “children” and puts the subsystem to the subsystem “adult partners are equal.” The relations between the two sexual partners, which are the parents in a family, there is a third party – a child. His early injected into adult life, his intimacy broken at heart turmoil and chaos.
In fact it can be considered incest and violence.
Ironically, the “less than” destructive when a parent asked a child not to talk about stashes, purchases on credit. Again, under the banner “We’re friends, and they can have their own little secrets.” That’s why you do not tell Dad how much cost these boots, do not upset him. And you do not tell my mother that I bumped a traffic cop and gave him all the money, because it was screwy.
Money – it is a symbol of power in the family, maturity, and if the child is awarded this symbol ahead of time, before the accumulated its own experience, it is at least strange. The essence remains the same: the child moves from childhood to adult roles that confuses its internal configuration and prevents the rise.
GENERATION “Pepsi” and the hippies
Let’s look at the idea of friendship with the children through the lens of generations.
Those who are now 50 – 60 years – the post-war children. What was their relationship with their parents? In most cases – no. Parents worked day and night, many did not have fathers, was brought up school and community organizations. It is difficult today to imagine it, but the mother was forced to go to work in a month after the baby is born, which gave the nursery or five days. The most that neither is a heavy trauma of early deprivation, almost no attachment, a duty and obligation.
This generation – the future of the sixties – and have remained teenagers: creative, talented pioneers. Very few people were really close, trusting relationship with their parents. They saw to it that the son did not go on a bad path, that the daughter is not “brought to hem” more are simply not enough. None of what child psychology was not out of the question, pressured authority, pressed and punished.
Then the representatives of that generation decided that with their children, they will be treated quite differently. They will all take them with you, led to campaigns and exhibitions, like struggled, will always be there and never leave. Never. Even if the kids will fight with his hands and feet and shouting: “Let me go, that hurts!”
And most importantly – they are friends with the children. Participate in their get-togethers, told to call “you” and the name, never close the door to my room (and the child forbid), they want to be aware of everything that happens to a child. This, of course, very pleased when the child is 5 years old – 7. But when a teenager is not able to be alone when mom or dad come in without knocking his room when …
When it breaks through the boundaries and continually violated. And rebel can not – because “we’re friends, we do love you so.” It is very difficult to defend themselves when on the contrary are not enemies, but friends.
Remember, in the first part of “Harry Potter” Dumbledore awards at the end of Harry, Ron, Hermione’s courage, intelligence, resourcefulness and loyalty. And then it gives a decisive 10 points Neville Longbottom: “We know how much courage it takes to confront the enemy. But even more courage is necessary to argue with one another. ”
We see a similar situation, and Europe and America: after a generation of hippies, with their idea of universal brotherhood, “sex-drugs-rock-n-roll”, “Down with the laws, long live free love”, there was a generation of yuppies: sanctimonious, exaggerated lawful , giperotvetstvennoe.
The family performs many important functions, and security – the first of them. But if in the pre- and post-war generations of security required in the first place physical (protection against enemies, to save from starvation, to protect against attacks), then the “grandchildren of war” to the fore the safety of psychological: to defend the borders of his personality, not to allow themselves break mentally.
A friendship – is the lack of boundaries between people. This “you and I are one”, “we have all things in common”, no secrets, no secrets from each other.
Only the adult and child are on different levels. And the mystery, cry at night near her friend pulls together or diluted with an equal people. A child – not equal.
Apparently, the real damage is applied to the mystery. A magical, warm feeling of intimacy and trust cause joint exercises parent with a child anything: fish, sew dolls, hiking. Even the joint doing manicure not hurt.
What does? The inclusion of a child in sexual life of the parents. Even in the form of sleep a total bed, because otherwise my mother scared and cold. And when the Pope introduces children to each of his new companion – it somehow shows the children a part of their intimate life.
Children have the right not to know that they are not directly concerned. It is not necessary to impose them information about how proceeds of the adult life. Friendship – a relationship of equals.