On the last day of summer, I became a mother. On this day in custody I was given a conclusion about the possibility of being a foster parent and talked about further actions.
My motherhood did not begin with the love of man, pregnancy, feeling a little heart under his first cry, or in the hospital, and to walk in the children’s home warm August day a few years ago. I went there to calm his pain, to feel their necessity, and even run away from yourself, from yourself this, irregular, non-ideal, nedolyublennosti – a world where you are very, very necessary. Yes, I understand it now all such non-constructive motivation for volunteering, and then it was encouraged in my environment. I wanted to run away from him and came to the orphanage.
When I went for a walk with the older group (kids 3 years), then I hit a run plump girl with slanting eyes and laughed loudly. It was our first meeting with Lisa. Frankly, I then wanted to become a mother three or four girls at once, that I had such an inner hole. Well, I have it just will not work.
After the girls in the group grew, they began to distribute to the children’s home. Lisa had to send in another city, she had a disability – Down’s syndrome, but then I found out that she was in the city, in a boarding school for children with disabilities. I called a few friends of parishioners, and we began to visit the orphanage. Going back was very hard. Especially my favorite has changed: at first the girl did not look focused, drooled, cropped head was sore. But I continued to communicate with her. I saw clearly in this abandoned, unloved, ugly little baby herself. And just I wanted to give myself one more chance. Gradually, Lisa has changed, it has become a trusted me with such alacrity to explore the world that began to appear in my thoughts. They matured, matured, and I realized that I need to change something in their lives.
I decided to change the hateful, gloomy room, which was filmed on the other housing. This move – as the first step in starting my conscious life – I was given a very hard time. Lord, seeing my doubts and fears, he sent me an unforgettable trip to a favorite city on the Neva. The first time I flew in an airplane for the first time walked on such sites, which could not have dreamed. Then the solution came naturally go in custody. There I was sent to school foster parents, where there were a lot of psychological training. They helped me understand that it is not necessary to become a mother when you’re lost and do not know who you are, and in the period of self-knowledge. I was looking for, but I felt that I would find myself, and this helped me Lizaveta.
I began to communicate with the parents of children with Down syndrome, with children themselves and teens, I became interested in social projects aimed at the destruction of stereotypes in society in relation to the special people, and I decided to organize such a project itself. It feels like it’s mine! At the same time I was preparing the documents in custody. The exhibition, which was organized on my initiative, had a resonance in the city, I got, I felt happy, I liked to be inspired and co-organizer of this to be done.
After a couple of months, I was denied custody. It faced a long struggle for the right to become a mother a special child. Somehow, it seemed to me that it was Lisa came to this world in order to change the laws, regulations, decisions, and I lost sight of the fact that it has changed me in the first place. After refusing for several days I could not breathe, I do not know what to do, how to live … Remember, as in the Gospel, when Christ was buried, the apostles went fishing … Maybe because it also did not know how to go on living?
I began to work on the hated work, communicate, avoiding the question, “What to do next?”, And suddenly I was born incredible as it seemed to me the project. I decided to dedicate it to our fight with Lisa. I was looking for like-minded people, inspired, saying that everyone – a masterpiece of God, and one day … there was my way out of a seemingly hopeless situation. The Lord answered my trust in Him.
My project was highly appreciated at the international children’s festival, where I flew with three teenagers with Down syndrome – project participants. Yes, I had a special friend, who shared with me the dreams for the future, and I knew they were true. Probably, this is the sense of his destiny.
Then there was the usual scheme of collecting documents for guardianship. I’m not afraid. I knew I was doing the right thing. I was no longer afraid of the little girl, who fled from his life, from the senses, from the truth, and even love. And all this has taught me, my brave, bizarre, cheerful daughter.
We still have a lot of difficulties, no I can not guarantee an easy life, but what is happiness – the ability to love and to know its purpose.