Sasha jumped high and fell …. Backwards. A healthy man, an athlete, and mothers wailed, clutching his leg. Ankle swelling of quickly. Both teams huddled silently over him. I thought about how absurd and events take place quickly, that long break plans. Inside me painfully familiar compressed spring …
Nature People are conceived in such a way that they can feel the other. Their experiences, pain, mood. There are different theories with such settings. I like the idea of mirror neurons, which we can directly perceive another. Our brain can be activated the same areas of the brain. Listen to yourself, the next time you see someone close to danger. For example, it is on the edge of the roof or crossing the road, looking at smart phone. What you feel – the result of mirror neurons.
It’s fine! We can sympathize with people, to protect them and help. And at the same time, here lies the big trap.
That mother, hissing at his aching three year old daughter – “Come on, people watching!”. But the Pope, who returned to the school assembly, pesochit son that something is not satisfied with the teacher. Or a woman who survived a break of important relationships, repeat the chorus: “You’re still young, you will find yourself a hundred times better. Go better developed! “.
They sincerely believe that educate, support, comfort … But it does not help. I have such “compassionate” evoke a strong desire to send away.
Have you heard the expression “I feel your pain, as his”? For some reason it is considered that so deeply empathize – humanely and properly. I believe that it is absolutely bad.
Imagine a deep pit with stakes, in which a man fell. He was there to hurt, lonely and scared. And suddenly it misses a very good man who jumps out of sympathy for him in the pit: he naparyvaetsya on stakes and starts moaning that he is also bad. This is called “empathy.” Sometimes this even begins to require sympathetic to her the same attention and comfort! That girl begs her mother to buy her a kitten. Mom does not just prohibit, and says: “How can you even think about it! I have the same allergies – you thought about my mother? “. Like, you’re left without a kitten, not just to be happy to accept the ban, but also feel sorry for poor frail mother! ..
Why is this happening? Why do those who need support, so often have to cope not only yourself, but also to reassure others?
The answer is simple. We can not feel other people’s feelings – only their own. Yes, there is an external reason for which we are involved. But this – their own experiences. And the empathetic, sensitive, gentle man, the greater the induced feelings. This happens automatically. If nothing can be done very quickly run out of their hand. Remember how the burn, doctors, psychologists, and volunteers. Remember, as a cartoon bunny handing out all the apples? That something like this, but there is no guarantee that you will bring back chestnuts, mushrooms, carrots and cabbage.
There are three ways to get away from it.
To reduce the intensity of your feelings, you can call someone else’s problem irrelevant. “Before marriage, heal!” “Well, think of an injection – pricked and went,” “And the people in Africa are dying of hunger!”, “All is well!” It calms. Talking. And to help sort no longer needs special.
You can simply move away from the traumatic situation. Turn away. Disconnect. “Go into the other room – will come when you will calm down,” “I will not talk to you until you apologize,” “No one will be friends with so selfish.” It is emotionally or physically separates from the other person. About the support, of course, it does not go.
Remember, it’s not your problem. This homeless have nowhere to return, and your home a delicious dinner and pleasant conversation. This is your child’s leg hurts, and you will go tomorrow at your favorite health club. It offended his wife to the head, and you get along well with colleagues. When confronted with other people’s problems: children’s complaints, requests for help or when working with clients, I often say to myself, “this is not my pain.” So I reduce my experiences and can give more power to another person.
Here, I’ll take a break. I say things that may seem evil, cruel and foresee outrage.
For myself, I would say that, paradoxically, only rational egoism keeps me away from the suffering and do not fall apart. Lets not “jump into the pit,” and to listen, to learn how I can help. Bring, metaphorically speaking, the ladder, water and warm clothes. Down there, I only exacerbate the situation – to pull out will have to have two.
And I very much hope that when I’m in my “hole”, next there will be people who will remain at the top, and not run away. And you want to have such friends, partners and children!
When Sasha made novocaine blockade, he lost consciousness. Helped only ammonia. Next to a few people. Someone had gone sideways, muttering “own fault – it was not necessary so to jump”, some prefer to ignore and pretend that nothing happened, someone decided to help another … ligament rupture – a year without sports. When I think about it, the spring is compressed again …